btsh.org

Color: Electric Burgundy & Blue
Year Founded: 2010
2011 Regular Season Finish: 9-7-1 (3rd, Donohue Division; 11th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to What the Puck in Semi-Finals
Conference: Kazin
Division: Larsen
Team Song: “Mr. Roboto” – Styx

Roster

Ben Bloom
Arthur Revechkis
Beth Bruder
Gary Cohen
Mike Mincieli
Rachel Greene
Jesse Kalb
Amanda Jenkins
Jeff Hawkins
Arnold Sanchez
Eric Ramirez
Randy Locklair
David Rogovic
Chris DiMotta
Ashley McMasters
Aynsley Kirshenbaum
Georgine Paulin
Ellen Marth

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result then the Butchers are insane. Their 2012 lineup looks a lot like their 2011 lineup. Sure Ben may have a few more tattoos and Rachel is now a Connecticut housewife (her lemon squares are delicious) but not much else has changed. So what would make us think that they wouldn’t do what they always do – break the hearts of Poutine Machine and then bomb out in the next round of the playoffs?

The answer is advanced technology.

The Butchers are now more machine than man and like the inevitable rise of the Terminators, they’re poised to crush the skulls of an unsuspecting BTSH beneath their robotic feet.

It starts with the return of Ashley “Trashley” McMasters, the rookie phenom who was so sorely missed by the Meat Puppets last year. As a show of her long term commitment to the team, Ashley has agreed to have at least one leg replaced with a bionic duplicate. She won’t tell us which one but if you hear a “clang” the next time your stick makes contact with her lower body, it’s not because you’re rocking a vintage ‘98 Gretzky Aluminum model. You’ve discovered her secret (and possibly the only means of defeating her).

Not to be outdone, teammate and aging George Clooney impersonator Chris DiMotta underwent his own surgical upgrade. Taking a page out of the X-Men movies, he has had his spine replaced with unbreakable adamantium, just like his hero, Wolverine. We can neither deny or confirm that he has been seen getting in to late night barfights on Avenue A after telling patrons, “I’m the best there is at what I do. And what I do is play hockey.”

Not all the Butchers have gone for the “Real Steel” approach though.

Arthur “Drago” Revechkis led a delegation that included Beth Bruder, Jeff Hawkins, Arnold Sanchez and Ellen Marth on an excursion to his Russian hometown, which is known only by it’s designation “Soviet Science City One”. There the group was subjected to a grueling regimen of steroids, radiation treatments and repeated viewings of Paul Henderson’s 1972 game winning goal. They returned to the States no longer able to feel pain, fear or any human emotion (except for desire for the aforementioned Rachel Greene lemon squares). It’s rumored that Russian President for Life Vladmir Putin  plans to use the same treatment on perennial underachiever Alex Ovechkin once it’s effectiveness has been proven in our sleepy little street hockey league.

The only Butcher who can be thought of as even remotely human (or as human as you can remain and still be a Corcoran VP) is league sweetheart Georgine Paulin. When asked how she thought the team might fare this year her response was “Are we in the same division? I don’t know, ok I guess. Isn’t this a question for Ben?”

The Org would probably say yes but we’re too scared to look in to Bloom’s soulless eyes.

So what are the keys to victory for any team looking to take down the Butchers? Hockey observers say shutting down perennial scoring machines Revechkis and Bloom, getting traffic in front of goalie Eric Ramirez and watching out for Hawk’s laser accurate shots on goal. But Org favorite Bill Nye gave us another answer “An electro-magnetic pulse should do the trick. Or really any sort of strong magnet.”

Smart Butchers opponents should probably employ a combination of both strategies.

And while you’re at it, throwing a few lemon squares on the court couldn’t hurt.

Entity They Resemble Most (according to Rich Glanzer)

Mark Sanchez:
The Jets third year QB has sure had his ups and downs. The first two years he barely made the playoffs, but then made two straight runs to the AFC Championship Game (or the semi-finals), but couldn’t quite make it to the Super Bowl.

Similarly, the Butchers aren’t the best regular season team, but come playoff time, they are one tough out. In 2010 they upset the Rehabs and Demons before losing to the Hookers and last season they again made the semi’s before losing to WTP.

Spoiler Alert, but I see the Sanchez similarities ending here. Sanchez had a miserable third year, and missed the playoffs. Word on the street is even though the Butcher’s are a little strapped financially, Rachel Greene has enough left over from last year’s “charity” tournament to dip into, to secure league payment and thus make the playoffs.

Expect an improved regular season from the Butchers. If you get to the semi-finals two years in a row, you’re good enough to win it all. While I don’t think that’s a likely scenario, it wouldn’t shock the bejesus out of me like it would if Elly got contact lenses.

Fun Fact: In Rachel Greene’s “charity” tournament, for some reason I was stripped of my championship, yet Suvin and Hidden Heel Joe P. weren’t (we were all on a different team at the start of the tournament, before switching to the winning team). An investigation is pending. Word on the street is Joe P. got to keep his title because Rachel was sympathetic because he hurt his pinkie.

Fun Fact 2: Ashley M. has never beaten me in a race, or at gmail chat, always losing to the arrow. <——————————–

This entry was posted on Friday, March 9th, 2012 at 12:00 pm and is filed under 2012 Team Previews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.