2012 Season Preview: Gouging Anklebiters
Color: Electric Blue & Yellow (Leap Day colors!)
Year Founded: 2001
2011 Regular Season Finish: 5-12-0 (4th, Hackett Division; 18th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Corlears Hookers in Round of 16
Conference: Kazin
Division: Glanzer
Team Song: “Wonderful Tonight” – Eric Clapton
Roster
Amy Barrett (A)
Courtney Butler
Zoya Craig
Charles DeFranco
Alex Derhohannesian (AA)
Phil Donohue (C)
Nick Gardella
Jen Harlan
Craig LaCombe (G)
Nicole Lanctot
Sarah Moore
Caroline Morrisey-Bickerton
Alex Owen
Zack Papper
Joe Polowczuk
Peter Prohaska
Mike Ross
Annika
Zach Weiner (A)
LOVE.
It’s what the 2012 Anklebiters are all about.
Now, the.Org hears your derisive laughter and snide comments:
“Yes, the Anklebiters LOVE beer.”
“Phil Donohue sure LOVEs the Johnsons.”
“When I think of the face of LOVE, it’s Jeremy Schumacher.”
Mock all you will. But while you were spending your off-season working on conditioning and stickhandling, the Hockey Hounds employed a different strategy. They all got hitched (or at least engaged, often to each other. Phil & Amy, Zack & Jen, moustache Zach, Pete. The trend became so popular even Anklebiter alumni were getting in on the act (congrats Guvs & Sascha). All that conjugal bliss is just a by product of the newfound maturity of what is now a veteran GAB lineup.
Yes, the the team that once had “Hook up at the Johnsons” as the first page of their playbook has grown up and settled down (at least a little bit). And while we all might make fun of these former gadabouts, there’s no question that they’re one of the closest teams in BTSH. From bowling & broomball to holiday and house parties, the Anklebiters are constanly hanging out together. In short, they’re a family.
But team captain Phil Donohue has taught enough high school science classes to recognize the biggest threat to any tight family unit.
INBREEDING.
In an effort to keep hemophilia out of the Pooches’ bloodline (and maybe improve their record), Phil and co. opened the Anklebiters’ hearts to three refugees from the Fairy Tale Kingdom. Thanks to their warm hearts and seemingly endless roster spots, Craig LaCombe, Courtney Butler and Joe Polowczuk are now part of the Canine Crew.
That’s right, the three players who put the “Cor” in “Unicorns” are now Puck Puppies and as a result, GAB’s lineup looks radically different.
GAB’s former goalie, Mike O’Connor was one of the most underrated goalies in the league. But his inconsistent attendance often left Donahue and Co. struggling between the pipes. In BTSH, they have an industry vet and top 5 goaltender, the Dominik Hasek of BTSH netkeepers. Donohue’s Dogs are hoping that he’s more Red Wings era Dominator than Senators era Hasek but there’s no doubt, LlaCombe will be coming ready to play. Plus he just got married too so he fits in well with the Dogs paired up locker room.
CoCo is another skilled performer and steadying influence. She’s elusive on the court and should be able to fill a mentorship role for any of her teammates who are still uncomfortable in their newfound positions as responsible adults.
And Joe P. provides the first legitimate scoring threat for the Blue and Yellow since Eric DiPieri first got kicked out of a game for ref abuse.
Donohue may have already won GM of the year for picking up these players while keeping the rest of his lineup intact. GAB has always been an extremely capable foe but with these upgrades Phil may have turned his team from an “Any Given Sunday” franchise to a “Gunning for You This Sunday” juggernaut. If nothing else, there will be three more players who can finish off the extra shots at the bar.
So remember BTSHers, the next time Amy Barrett laughs in your face or Zack Weiner twirls his moustache at you, they’re not doing it with malice.
They’re doing it out of LOVE.
Don’t you just hate them already?
Entity They Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)
Tony Soprano can suck it. Johnny Dangerously was the best Mob Boss of all time. The GAB declared Fargin War on all of us by picking up Craig, Coco and Joe P. While I have nothing good to say about Craig except no good set of balls ever get past him, and nothing bad to say about Coco, I am mixed with Joe P. On one hand, he’s a great player and a really good teammate. But on the other hand, much like Johnny Dangerously’s notoriously sick mother, Joe lands on the injured report. A lot. When asked about Joe P., Jo-Ann Provencher says, ” Joe P. est plus doux que le papier hygiénique Charmin. Mec a toujours blessés. ”
Still … this Hidden Heel will bring a few more W’s to the GAB. As someone with an 0-3 career mark vs. the Anklebiters, I think this team just got a whole lot better. Both in the courts, and at the bar.
Fun fact: Caroline Morrisey-Bickerton has never beaten me at Skee*T*ball or scored a goal against me in broomball. True story.