btsh.org

Color: Gray/Black
Year Founded: 2006
2010 Regular Season Finish: 8-6-2-2 (2nd, MacNeil Division; 13th overall)
2010 Playoff Result: Lost to Poutine Machine in Round of 16
Conference: Kazin
Division: Glanzer
Team Song: Particle Man – They Might Be Giants

Roster

Derek T. (C)
Eli Kazin
Zach Norris
Andy Pratt
Mike Smith
Brad Schmidt
Justin Perras
Adam Langer
Laura MacNeil
Lilly Preston
Ali Corsi
Amy Anderla
Sheena Otto
Joe Boshko (G)
Minkus (G)
Liz Hirsch
Sarah Coombs
Mike Geraci
Cherie Stewart

Mathematics were started in fit of altruism by some of the most influential thinkers BTSH has ever seen. Led by Nobel Prize for Physics candidate Sharif Corinaldi, influential designers Andy Pratt and Sarah Coombs and Canada’s most intellectual American Laura MacNeil, the group swore to use their advanced knowledge of Chemistry, Quantum Mechanics,Neuroscience and Genetics to build a hockey team that could not only win championships but also develop a Unified Field Theory. Sporting special aerodynamic uniforms and advanced carbonfiber equipment, they were the Classical ideal of “Mens sana in corpore sano” personified.

Alas, their hockey utopia was not to be. Coombs and Pratt’s side project of creating a genetically perfect human being soon took over their focus, resulting in the birth of Donovan “Neo” Pratt, a child who has been prophesied to bring a new Golden Age to the planet and a string of PBR cups to the team. Realizing the child would be vulnerable to Herod-like attacks from haters like Larry Zimmer and Coach, Coombs elected to give up her own hockey career to ensure the infant’s safety. Andy Pratt would only return to the game after he created a sophisticated monitoring device (disguised as a hockey helmet) which allowed him to track his wife and child’s movements at all times. While the headgear has functioned perfectly, it’s divided Pratt’s laserlike focus, resulting in only low double digit scoring in recent seasons. Meanwhile, Corinaldi accepted a position at the Xerox PARC research labs working on combining nanotechnology and athletic protection. His goal of creating a men’s cup that actually washes itself has remained elusive but Corinaldi assures us that he is close to a breakthrough. Abandoned by her fellow intelligentsia, MacNeil returned to advanced study. With nowhere else to turn she handed the reins of the team to the far less academically oriented Derek “Lazer” Tagliarino and Eli “Blazer” Kazin.

Without the MacArthur Grants that funded the team previously, Tagliariano and Kazin were forced to take the reins of BTSH media (in a covert effort to recruit attention seeking players). As a result, the Mathematics have become the league’s biggest glory hounds, saying and doing anything to attract attention. Tagliarino’s many fake feuds are the most notorious part of this mix but Minkus’ sex tape, Mike Smith’s numerous attempts to date a Kardashian sister, and Ali Corsi’s short lived marriage to Nicolas Cage are all examples of a team that would rather see their names on page six than on a scoresheet.

Despite these huge character flaws, Mathematics actually play some pretty good hockey. A distracted Andy Pratt is still one of the most dangerous players on the court. MacNeil and Corsi are determined battlers who always win the battles in the corners. And Brad Schmidt represents a potent alternative offensive threat to Pratt, frustrating opposing defenses and scoring goals in bunches. Even Kazin and Tagliarino are not to be underestimated. Their relentless self promotion often obscures the fact that Eli is a solid two way player who can plug himself in to just about any position. And “Lazer” has scored some crucial goals for his team over the last couple of seasons. With consecutive second place finishes, this could be the year that Math finally take their division, ideally positioning themselves for the playoff debut of the aforementioned Donovan Pratt (who’s already shooting at an eight grade level).

With Kazin and Tagliarino no longer providing easy access to the media this team may go one of two ways. A newly focused Math may rediscover the purity of purpose they enjoyed during the intellectual golden days of the Corinaldi reign. Or they may begin a downward spiral into drugs and alcohol as they desperately try to attract the attention of TMZ and Perez Hilton, now that the ORG has refused to cover their shenanigans.

Either way, we’re definitely not embracing Tagliarano’s new team cheer “Do the Math!”

Keep it classy, guys and gals. Keep it classy.

Entity That They Resemble (according to Rich Glanzer)

Entity: Bert and Ernie.

 

This entry was posted on Monday, March 19th, 2012 at 12:00 pm and is filed under 2012 Team Previews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.