2012 Season Preview – Megatouch
Color: Grey
Year Founded: 2002
2011 Regular Season Finish: 6-9-1 (3rd, MacNeil Division; 16th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Mega Touch in Round of 16
Conference: Kazin
Division: Glanzer
Team Song: “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” – Bobby McFerrin
Roster
Alex Eben Meyer
Andy Robertson
Brett Oppedisano
Eric Devlin
Jane Cramer
Joe Lops
Katie Hasty
Mark Anderson
Michael Tuckman
Nadya Salcedo
Rabi Whitaker
Scott Rosenthal
Julie Katz
Jonathan Hanson
Danny Canarick
Kristen Echemendia
Harvey Jaswal
Jennifer Nedbalsky
Adriano Bratta
Several years back, Alex Eben Meyer had a spiritual revelation. He no longer wanted to be “Bad”, he wanted to be “Mega”. That epiphany led not only to one of the league’s strangest cheers but also to a new sense of inner peace for Meyer. A calmness and tranquility that would extend to many on his team.
Indeed, when one thinks of Mega the term that comes to mind is chill.
Joe Lops – chill
Jane Cramer – chill
Team co-captain Julie “the Cat” Katz – chill (as long as she has candy)
Adriano “Pax Romana” Bratta – the spokesperson for chill
Harvey Jaswal – the exception that proves the rule
While emulating Deepak Chopra may bring you an enlightened life it’s not going to win you many hockey games (that only happens in The Love Guru). That’s why MT ended the regular season only one spot above the previous year’s finish. Between being mistakenly asked to perform Jewish weddings Rabi Whitaker explained the team’s philosophy. “Standings are so ephemeral,” he opined. “We don’t seek a winning season, just balance with the lifeforce that flows through us all.”
It all sounds good but the ORG is here to tell you it’s an elaborate scam designed to sell new age paperbacks and seven week self-help programs. Each member of MegaTouch is required to undergo “psychological testing” before joining the team and after acceptance a portion of their earnings are tithed. The recipient of these “team funds”? Twisted genius (and “co-captain”) Eric Devlin. Hiding behind his everyday guise as a mild-mannered toy designer, Devlin is secretly hatching a plan to recruit everyone in the league to the cult of MegaTouch and secure the coveted PBR can trophy for himself. He’s also covertly trained his Megatouch teammates to be ruthless when required.
Devlin’s long term strstegy was almost revealed when the Megas lost in a shootout in the playoffs to eventual champions Fresh Kills. But at the last minute Devlin decided that “the time is not yet right” and instructed his goalie to throw the game.
This year it’s a different story. Our source revealed that the MTs have decidedly different nicknames amongst their fellow teammates:
Joe Lops – known as “Lopper” for his desire to hack off opposing players limbs with his stick
Jane Cramer – her teammates call her “Creamer” referring to her propensity for throwing hip breaking checks
Team co-captain Julie Katz – earned the nickname “Katz’s Deli” for chewing up opposition defences like lunch meat
Adriano Bratta – “Big Brat” is known for his tantrums when no one passes him the ball
Harvey Jaswal – actually the nicest guy on the team
After two years of subtly dwelling near the bottom of the league in results, Devlin feels like he has lured us all in to a false sense of security. Look for 2012 to be the year when MegaTouch rips through the league and Devlin finally buys that Rolls-Royce that all cult leaders covet (rumor has it that Bratta has already promised him all our team fees plus the proceeds of Rachel Greene’s “charity tournament’).
Think we’re kidding? Trust us on this one. North American libel laws forbid us from posting it here but the ORG has seen video footage of the Touchers ritually burning photos of other BTSH teams on an altar while Devlin laughs maniacally and proclaims “All your balls belong to us.”
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Entity They Most Resemble According to Rich Glanzer
Entity: Jack and Diane
Last year Mega shocked the BTSH world by beating the Rehabs in a shootout. Then they took eventual champs Fresh Kills to a shootout, but the season ended when the ball hopped on Adriano Bratta on TSP’s rough surface. It has not been a great winter.
a decent write up that ends in a horrifying look into Glanzer’s hobby of BTSH slash fiction.
Sorry Glanzer, the likelihood of your scenario happening is slim to none. Did you not read the write up? Once you drink the Mega kool aid, you are in for life.
Come on Julie. We all know Rich doesn’t read stuff he writes. He doesn’t even listen to what he says.
Julie, when you are lying in a pool of your own blood, I will remind you that I told you so.
Hippie, I didn’t write the Math entity yet. I’d be careful if I were you.
FEAR THE BEARD!
Way to threaten women Rich Limbaugh.
Time to change that handle, Ug.
If a Glanzer rants on the internet and no one listens, does he cease to exist?
change the handle to what? another mythical flying creature that’s a dick: phoenis?
Craig, I’m not threatening Julie, Adriano did. I’m just reporting on it. Derek back me up.
Hippie, you responded, which means you listened. So your question is moot. Now if only you were mute…
ugh i just read this again. Rich’s little song is really bad. Why does this exist?