2012 Season Preview – Not the Unicorns
Color: Yellow?
Year Founded: 2012
2011 Regular Season Finish: NA
2011 Playoff Result: NA
Conference: Kazin
Division: Larsen
Team Song: “Beautiful Stranger” – Madonna
Roster
Ryan Mills – Captain
Mark McAdam
Dr. Cathy Cho
Rod Sherwood
Luke Berg
Iannis Tourkalis
Caitlin Ervin
John Walker
Jon Rick
Charlie Mackenzie
Jamie B
Athena Curry
Amber Ross
Alison Shilling
Sudeep Banarjee
Chad Pitman
While Unicorns may be only the purest white this new team is the season’s real dark horse. What do you do when your Captain, goalie and top scorer succumb to the charms of a roguish leperchaun and leave the team? What do you do when wearing a Golden Girls shirt just doesn’t take away your crippling emotional pain? What do you do when things stop being mythological horselike creatures and start getting real?
If you’re Ryan Mills and the rest of the core of one of BTSH’s founding franchises you pick yourself up and rise like a Phoenix from the ashes.
Ryan doesn’t see it as a completely new team though. “We’re taking a Hollyood approach to this,” he explained. “Don’t think of it as a rebuilding so much as a reimagining. It’s like we’re starting the series over with some hot young actors and a fresh take on the franchise.” It’s a nice idea but the jury is still out on whether this will be Star Trek or Star Wars: Episode 1 (sorry, we know the old Unicorns were more Lord of the Rings than LucasArts but we couldn’t come up with an appropriate analogy). Will Ryan and co. rise to new heights or has the magic left along with the Unicorns name. Heck, are they even still eligible for the Fairytale Cup?
Who knows?
It looks like everything is going to be a gametime decision with this team.
We can tell you that John Rick and Charlie Mackenzie had some nice chemistry together in the past. Ageless wonders Mark Macadam and Caitlin Ervin can still bring it when needed. And Iannis Tourkalis was heavily scouted by the KHL before agreeing to another year with the new BTSH franchise.
But there are still more questions than answers.
Will Dr. Cathy Cho live up to the high standards set by fellow highly educated BTSHers Dr. Alfred Liu and Dr. Jean Hebert?
Is Chad Pitman a real guy or the “phony” from JD Salinger’s timeless classic Catcher in the Rye?
What does the “B” in Jamie B stand for (Our guess? “Booyaa”)?
Does this team have a goalie?
Does this team have a name?
In one week all these questions will be answered. Until then “Not the Unicorns” remain a mystery wrapped inside of an enigma, the BTSH equivalent of “Lost”.
Maybe Glanzer can figure out what’s going on …
Entity they Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)
Entity: $howt!m3
Y’all remember $howt!m3 right? The former Unicorn, Rehab, Mathlete and current Dark Rainbow is very reminiscent to the Uni’s. $how left the Rehabs for a better life at Math, and then realized there is nothing worse in life than playing with Mike Smith (Hippie) every week.
The Uni’s were once a prestigious franchise, had a loyal captain in Coco, a great goalie in Craig and Joe P. A highly talented yet oft-injured forward/defensemen that once told Courtney, “my pinkie looks a little bruised. It feels fine, but it looks bruised.”
$howt!m3 eventually regretted leaving the Rehabs and Math. A forced retirement is never any fun. League Commissioner Adriano Bratta who has said publicly that his legacy is tied to the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup has ruled that they are no longer eligible, since they are not actually Unicorns anymore. Much like $how…the Uni’s will regret the name change, and the loss of three excellent players. My prediction….they will rival the Happy Little Elves, circa 2008.
Oh my God that picture is amazing.