2007 PLAY OFF PREVIEW!
THE WICKED AWESOME PLAY OFF PREVIEW!!!
By Eli Kazin and Derek Tagliarino
(aka The Ambiguously Straight Duo)
As promised, here are capsules for each playoff match-up this Sunday. If you want to voice your own opinion, please email us at themajordeegan [at] yahoo [dot] com and/or derektag [at] gmail [dot] com, and remember to keep it pithy. No bloviating, because that’s our job.
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(15) Mexican Standoff vs. (18) Sky Fighters
Synopsis: Neither of these two teams had a clear cut starting goalie this season. Mexican Standoff played almost everyone on their roster in goal, while the Sky Fighters used nearly every other BTSH goalie at one point or another. These two teams allowed the most and second most goals this season, so a high scoring game is expected. For the Sky Fighters, their strategy will center around getting Martin the ball and for J.R. Spiegel’s open fly to distract the Standoff players (thanks, Mulva). For Standoff, the strategy will involve copious amounts of alcohol.
* 2007 Result: Week 11 – Mexican Standoff 9, Sky Fighters 0
* Eli’s Pick: Sky Fighters. The coin came up heads.
* Derek’s Pick: Mexican Standoff holds Martin to a paltry three goals and wins a tight one, 4-3.
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(16) Gouging Anklebiters vs. (17) Cobra Kai
Synopsis: The Gouging Anklebiters have never lost to Cobra Kai, winning their three previous meetings by a combined score of 17-1. The normally stoic Charles DeFranco of the Gouging Anklebiters had the following to say about the Cobra Kai roster: “Greg stinks, Ara reeks, Laurie’s garbage, Ray sucks, Dave can’t play, Morgan smells, Rick is too afraid to show up, Rem is weak, Shannon checks people, Jonathan is clingy, Brian looks like Tim Olson, Mariko plays like a girl, Alexander plays like a girl, Peter is ugly, Mary is non-descript, Jerome is short, Enayet works in retail, Stephen has leprosy, Mike has no spirit, Christina is from New Jersey, Leah also smells, Lucas is always injured, and Stefanie does not get down on the low ones.â€
* 2007 Result: Week 11 – Gouging Anklebiters 5, Cobra Kai 0
* Eli’s Pick: Gouging Anklebiters. This is not a good matchup for Cobra Kai at all.
* Derek’s Pick: Chuck backs up his rant and leads the ‘Biters to a resounding victory.
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(1) Corlears Hookers vs. Gouging Anklebiters/Cobra Kai
Synopsis: Despite an impressive performance this season, there has recently been dissension among the ranks of the Corlears Hookers. Star forward Brendan ‘Dutch’ Kearney, much to the dismay of his teammates, has received all of the accolades of the fans, the media, and the ladies. Gavin ‘Dutch’s Brother’ Kearney lamented, “All of those goals he scored? I set him up with gorgeous pinpoint passes…but, does he thank me? Nooooo!†Albert ‘Al’ Huang added, “His head has just gotten too big. He is not a team player anymore.†Whether the winner of the Gouging Anklebiters/Cobra Kai game can capitalize on this inner turmoil remains to be seen.
* 2007 Result: Week 1 – Corlears Hookers 3, Gouging Anklebiters 2; Week 7 – Corlears Hookers 6, Cobra Kai 0
* Eli’s Pick: Corlears Hookers. The ‘Biters have the potential for the upset, though.
* Derek’s Pick: Dutch Fever continues and the Hookers cruise to a win.
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(2) Unicorns vs. Mexican Standoff/Sky Fighters
Synopsis: Despite missing Hector ‘$howT!m3′ Melendez for three games when he crashed through the metal fence and onto the FDR Drive, the Unicorns secured the second seed on the final weekend of the regular season. With a solid defense in front of him, Craig ‘Ug’ Lacombe finished the season tied for fewest goals allowed, while the offense was led by the fleet trio of Chris Eng, $howT!m3, and Alex ‘Villano VI’ Zabala. Of course, Dale from the Sky Fighters won the arm wrestling contest, so take that, Ted!
* 2007 Result: Week 14 – Unicorns 7, Mexican Standoff 4; Week 9 – Unicorns 5, Sky Fighters 1
* Eli’s Pick: Unicorns. They were upset in the first round last year, but that’s not going to happen again.
* Derek’s Pick: Ug plays another stellar game for the Unicorns, then forces everyone to hear about it at the Johnson’s later on.
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(3) Dark Rainbows vs. (14) Mighty Squirrels
Synopsis: How many Dark Rainbows can you name? It’s one, right…Jesus, everyone gets that one. There are actually twenty other players on their roster, but the Mighty Squirrels are too drunk to notice. The Squirrels have mastered the art of losing close games, and also boast the best cheerleader in the league, Jason ‘Cheek’ Cheek (like this: points to cheek). When reached for comment on the Dark Rainbows’ chances this weekend, Andrea ‘Vegetable Lasagna’ Schloeder shrewdly replied, “Please.â€
* 2007 Result: Week 14 – Dark Rainbows 2, Mighty Squirrels 0
* Eli’s Pick: Dark Rainbows. They flew under the radar, and that’s how they like it.
* Derek’s Pick: The Squirrels manage to keep Scrappy as far away from the goal as possible, but still lose.
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(4) What the Puck vs. (13) Tuques
Synopsis: CHONNNNNNNNNN-GO! CHONNNNNNNNNN-GO! CHONNNNNNNNNN-GO! Cue laughter from Rod. Larry looks on in silence. Just another day for What The Puck as they look to repeat as BTSH champions. Oh, and the Tuques have Minkus, so they have that going for them.
* 2007 Result: Week 2 – What The Puck 5, Tuques 1
* Eli’s Pick: What The Puck. Too much offense, too many Canadians.
* Derek’s Pick: Rod plays out of his mind but loses the shutout with 2 minutes to go. WTP takes it, 5-1.
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(5) Denim Demons vs. (12) Bad Touch
Synopsis: These teams were two of the most improved during the 2007 season. The Denim Demons are led by the iron-fisted captaining of Adam ‘The Legend Killer’ Rubens and the comedic antics of ‘Hacksaw’ Jim Dandeneau, although the scoring trio of Micael Holmström, Zack Tinkelman, and Jeff Kamen contributed to their success as well. The Bad Touch is led by Coop, the meanest gunslinger in the West. Like Billy the Kid and Jesse James, Coop and his posse of Bad Touchers have stolen several victories from unsuspecting citizens. Can The Legend Killer corral these bandits?
* 2007 Result: Week 14 – Denim Demons 5, Bad Touch 1
* Eli’s Pick: Bad Touch. They wear their alternate red jerseys and totally confuse the Demons.
* Derek’s Pick: Demons. This pick saddens me.
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(6) Pork Fried Rice vs. (11) Mathematics
Synopsis: These two teams finished first and second in the 2006 regular season standings, but attendance issues, old age, and marital bliss contributed to both teams suffering down seasons. Pork Fried Rice, when all their players show up, are one of the most dangerous teams in the league. However, captain Ant ‘Father Time’ Ventolieri is day-to-day with a strained white beard. For the Mathematics, Andy and Sarah Pratt return from their honeymoon, much to the delight of backup goaltender Derek Tagliarino, who trembles in fear at urban street rapper Brian ‘Grandmaster B’ Barrett’s shot.
* 2007 Result: Week 4 – Mathematics 5, Pork Fried Rice 0
* Bob W.’s Pick: PFR shows up with three guys and one gal, ties the game with a minute in regulation and wins in a shoot out.
* Schuie’s Pick: PFR-3 MATH-2.
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(7) Fresh Kills vs. (10) LBS
Synopsis: After losing seven of their first ten games, LBS rebounded with a five game winning streak that included wins against What The Puck and the Denim Demons. They are led by Ken ‘The Alpha Male’ Poulin, who finished the season with 102 goals, breaking the previous record of 97, which was set by Ellery ‘The Nature Boy’ Gillette of the Denim Demons during the 2003 season. However, all records from that season are in the name of Gillette, who just so happened to be in charge of league statistics. Fresh Kills intends to counter Poulin with the defensive prowess of Jeff Lesser, although his turbo mode will only be available for one shift during the game, so choose wisely.
* 2007 Result: Week 17 – Fresh Kills 3, LBS 2 (OT)
* Eli’s Pick: Fresh Kills. They beat LBS last week, so the assumption is that they will do it again.
* Derek’s Pick: LBS. The Alpha Male sets a playoff record with 10 goals (beating out Ellery from 2003).
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(8) Rehabs vs. (9) Filthy Gorgeous
Synopsis: The Rehabs are another team that underachieved this season, as their chronic attendance problems shockingly reappeared each week. Despite these issues, the Rehabs still boast one of the top duos in the league in ‘Con Ed’ Lau and Jon Feldman. Although they lost some of their key players from 2006 to the two new teams, Filthy Gorgeous managed to finish in ninth place for the second straight season. They feature one of the best solo acts in the league in Paul ‘Ashy Larry’ Vernon, who has vowed to bring his team “from ashy to classy.â€
* 2007 Result: Week 17 – Rehabs 2, Filthy Gorgeous 1
* Eli’s Pick: Rehabs. This low seed can make a run at the championship.
* Derek’s Pick: The Con Ed/Feldman line lights it up, sending Filthy back to the projects.
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