Week 16 Preview
Chris Doesn’t Like Being Touched
GAME OF THE WEEK
Happy Little Elves (6-4-0-3) at Sky Fighters (7-5-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
Game Notes: With only a point separating first from fourth in the Hackett Division standings, tensions will be high in Saturday’s clash between the Happy Little Elves and Sky Fighters. Although the Elves have performed decently this season and are still in a good position to win the division, co-captain Rich Glanzer believes the team is still playing well below its potential. The Elves currently boast the most goals on the season, but they have also allowed the most. Thus, after months of in-depth analysis, film study, and computer simulations, Glanzer has concluded, “I’ve determined that it’s our team defense that has been the problem…So I’ve created what I am calling, ‘The Elves Team Defense Initiative!!'” To help the league understand this complex project, Glanzer has provided this primitive sketch of his plan. He adds, “From now on, I’ve instructed all Elves to play better defensively, and stop giving up scoring chances. I’ve also instructed our goalie not to let the puck in as much.” After viewing Glanzer’s diagram, Sky Fighters captain Dan Hopper seemed unconcerned about this initiative. Hopper commented, “According to the sketch, it seems like the Elves want to have six players on the court. Last I checked, that was still illegal in BTSH.” Hopper also wanted to remind the league of the “Sky Fighters Defensive Initiative,” which is simply Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka playing defense for 50 minutes.
Keys To The Game:
1. While Glanzer’s artistic skills are limited, his coaching abilities should not be underrated. When these teams last met in Week 19 of the 2009 season, Glanzer called a late timeout with the score tied. During this break, he diagrammed the game-winning play, which not only clinched the Elves victory, but also preserved his place in the Survivor Pool.
2. Since the media uncovered Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka’s secret play for the Sky Fighters in 2008, a curse has befallen each of his teammates in the diagram. Four separate incidents have caused Samantha Lee, Amy Lott, Chris “Big Sexy” Shumaker, and James Townsend-Butterworth to leave the team, leaving Cejka as the only player who is still on the team. Thus, it may be only a matter of time before the Czech superstar is forced to leave for one reason or another.
3. With the Elves’ talented, yet sluggish, defender Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri expected to miss this week’s game due to a broomball tournament, it will be up to the hobbled Glanzer to bring down the average speed of the team.
Eli’s Pick: Sky Fighters. Dan Hopper’s strategy actually works.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves. Maybe the refs won’t notice the extra player.
Watchability: 4 Barnacles. With the Dark Rainbows facing a very hot LBS, Inc., the winner of this game could be the division leader at the end of the day.
LBS, Inc. (6-6-0-1) at Dark Rainbows (7-4-0-2)
Written by John Meyer (Dark Rainbows)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: LBS, Inc. leads 7-5-1
Game Notes: John is competing in a Boggle tournament in Akron, Ohio. Preview coming soon…
Unicorns (4-8) at Filthy Gorgeous (8-4-0-1)
Written by Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson (Corlears Hookers)
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Filthy Gorgeous leads 3-1-1
Game Notes: Dustin is performing a staged reading of Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. Preview coming soon…
Denim Demons (12-1) at Butchers (4-5-0-4)
Written by Ben Bloom (Butchers)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: Because of Ken’s rant at the DC meeting last week, I thought I would talk about LBS, Inc. My favorite LBS, Inc. moment was the [Mexican] Standoff Beach Day, where we decided to not show up for the game versus LBS, Inc. If there was ever a team that I would do this to again it’s the Demons. But since we enjoy playing hockey, I guess we’ll show up. Another good LBS, Inc. memory is when Standoff wore white, forcing LBS, Inc. to break out “alt” jerseys. As the home team, the Butchers will be wearing our Maroon jerseys. We also will proceed to yell at each other during the game and be total assholes to each other, because playing ball hockey is fun!
Ben’s Pick: LBS, Inc.
Watchability: Twelve-teen
Gut Rot (4-7-0-2) at Poutine Machine (4-7-0-1)
Written by Dan “D.O.” Owens (Filthy Gorgeous)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Poutine Machine leads 1-0
Game Notes: Just one standings-point and possession of the MacNeil Division basement separate Gut Rot and Poutine Machine when they clash this Saturday in their last regular season matchup of the 2010 season. While both teams are keen at the opportunity to snap multi-game losing streaks, fans worry that non-gameplay related circumstances will factor into the result. Gut Rot team doctors are expected to closely monitor vital signs, as players face the adversity of operating for the first time this season without the conditioning of consecutive, unfettered drinking nights prior to the start of the game. Meanwhile, Poutine Machine continues to battle off-ice scrutiny, as Captain Patrick “Sven” Larsen will undoubtedly face enduring criticism from Francophone members of the media for coaching players in English during a timeout in Machine’s 2-1 OT loss to Mega Touch on August 8. A regulation loss eliminates Poutine Machine from MacNeil Division Championship contention.
Dan’s Pick: Year of the Pitcher pervades to the black top: Gut Rot by 1 and someone throws a no-hitter.
Watchability: 3.5 out of 5 Generous Expansion Team Stars
Fresh Kills (8-4-0-1) at Mega Touch (4-8-1)
Written by Christopher DiMotta (Gut Rot)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Fresh Kills leads 7-2
Game Notes: Two teams with inverted win/loss records square off on the blacktop looking to secure very different goals. The first place Fresh Kills of the Donohue Division boast an 8-4-0-1 record and are poised to keep their annual semifinal appearance intact. Although many feared that preseason departures of some veteran players would hinder their efforts, they have managed to maintain their winning form. Their opponent, Mega Touch of the MacNeil Division, is currently 4-8-1 and is hoping to breakaway from a standings quagmire. With all 5 MacNeil Division teams tightly packed together, a win would be a huge lift and improve Touch’s playoff seeding at the end of the season.
Christopher’s Pick: Although a quick game of Mega Touch “Puck Shots” had me pulling for the underdog, it doesn’t look good for the guys in gray. Their best hope for a win may be a lackadaisical Fresh Kills effort (who get caught looking past them on the schedule) combined with a miscalculated pre-game beer prep by the Fresh Kills goalie. In the end, the brothers Soko expose their opponents’ -20 goal differential and come away with the win.
Watchability: 2 ½ Puck Shots
Tompkins Square Riots (6-6-1) at Cobra Kai (7-6)
Written by Abby “Tayne” Meisterman (Denim Demons)
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
Game Notes: Boasting similar records within their respective divisions, conference mates TSP Riots and Cobra Kai are meeting for the first time in BTSH history. This is, of course, due to the fact that the Riots are still a fledgling team. But their roster isn’t full of newbies and this is what should give the Dojo pause. Old-timers like Amy Jones, B.R. Royla, Scott Townsend, and Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg joined the Riots in an effort to return to the easy-going, beer-swilling sensibility of the early years of BTSH. In stark contrast, the Dojo contains members Will Kuhns, known for his hot-headed approach to everything, Rem “Canadian Strongman” Garavito, and Mark Talercio. We all know what happens when hot meets cool: luke-warm water.
Abby’s Pick: OT-SO Draw — these teams are on rather even footing.
Watchability: 2.5 Mirmen (the plural of Mirman, obviously)
HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (National Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Corlears Hookers (9-3) at Rehabs (7-5-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 4-1
Game Notes: With only 3 games left in the regular season (barring some kind of bullshit make-up game trickeration by the BTSH ruling junta), the race is on for playoff positioning. The top 12 teams in the league get a bye into the round of 16, leaving the remaining 8 teams to scrap it out for 4 spots in the Big Dance. The Hookers control their own playoff seeding fate, with 18 points looking like a lock to give them a high position, and a win this week would lock up second place in the Rubens Division. The Rehabs are in a Hackett Division second-place 3-way with the Skyfighters and Elves, and could really use a W this week. Otherwise, they might find themselves having to scrap for a win on October 3 with the other have-nots while the league’s upper crust goes on a warmup bender.
Vegas Line: Hookers by 1.5
Jesse the Greek says: Rehabs have more to play for this week. Take the points.
Watchability: 4.5 cans of Billy Beer
HOCKEY NIGHT IN TOMPKINS (Regional Telecast)
Written by Hockey Night in Tompkins Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Mathematics (6-5-0-2) at What The Puck (7-5)
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 5-1
Game Notes: Arguably the hottest team in the league right now (other than the Demons…yawn), the Mathematics have won 5 straight and are now in first place in the MacNeil Division. Say what? Once-mighty What the Puck, meanwhile, has lost their last 5 and find themselves adrift on the sea of mediocrity. They still have a shot at one of the top 3 spots in the Rubens Division, but need to win and get some help.
Vegas Line: Pick-em
Jesse the Greek says: Ride the hot hand. Mathematics.
Watchability: 4 corn dogs
BTSH Fantasy Pool
(Total points in parentheses)
(10) John Meyer* (DR): Michelle Doucet (WTP), Gavin Kearney (CH), Mike Pereira (DD)
(10) James Stein (Sky): Mike Pereira (DD), Karsten Pichon (LBS), Jo-Ann Provencher (PM)
(9) Rich Glanzer (HLE): Gavin Kearney (CH), Courtney McBride (HLE), Larry Zimmer (WTP)
(8) Eli Kazin (Math): Denis Miciletto (LF), James Pereira (FG), Noelle Safar (CH)
(8) Dan “D.O.” Owens (FG): Caroline Currie (FG), Mike Pereira (DD), Justin Ross (FK)
(7) Derek Tagliarino (Math): Caroline Currie (FG), Gavin Kearney (CH), Scott (GR)
(6) Eric Devlin (MT): Patrik Blohmé (TSR), Julie Katz (MT), Sunny Mehra (FG)
(6) Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney (CH): Trevor Beauclair (HLE), Caroline Currie (FG), Brendan Kearney (CH)
(6) Patrick “Sven” Larsen (PM): Haanwa Chau (GR), Alex Doucette (Reh), James Pereira (FG)
(5) Monica Russo (FG): Gavin Kearney (CH), Dana Kravis (FG), Zack Tinkelman (DD)
(4) Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens (DD): Mike Pereira (DD), Karsten Pichon (LBS), Jo-Ann Provencher (PM)
(3) “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick (HLE): Trevor Beauclair (HLE), Caroline Currie (FG), Zack Tinkelman (DD)
*John wanted to note the following in conjunction with his picks:
I want a shout out for integrity. I know I’m facing Karsten and Ken. I know everyone trying to catch me is going to take one of them. I’ve taken one of them myself, every week. I know that they are both tied for 2nd in the league with 14 goals each. But I am not picking either one of them. Because I could “help my own cause” in fantasy if we were to get down early in our game.
Tags: 2010 season, Happy Little Elves, Sky Fighters, Weekly Previews
Ben Bloom is such a sweetheart! I can’t tell you how much I look forward to seeing his pleasant and fair face each week. There is no one in the league that I adore (from afar) more.
Fuck!! I meant to put Ellery as the ref bc I know he cant count.
Hey HockeyRich: My old pal Ellery is counting again just fine now that the Redskins are picked by ESPN to secure a Wild Card. He can count to 9, the number of wins his team is expected to get. Oh, and by the way, Rich, watch your language in your posts– it doesn’t bother me– but I’m told the league is really cracking down on what we used to call terms of artful expression.
Sorry Mr. Tink, didn’t mean to offend. And yeah, a lot of credit has been given to me for the Elves new Defensive Initiative, but really its just Ellery refs all our games.
Rich’s drawing of me is uncannily lifelike. I seem to have the puck, but where’s the opposing goal? I just see Megadeath crying in the corner … and is that Rob Blandi with the pom-poms?
Smart move benching Kehoe.