Season Preview: Happy Little Elves
This Is Why The Elves Can’t Have Nice Things
Color: Electric Lime
Year Founded: 2008
2010 Regular Season Finish: 8-5-0-3 (3rd, Hackett Division; 8th overall)
2010 Playoff Result: Defeated Corlears Hookers in championship game
Conference: Weyersberg
Division: Rubens
2010 Leading Scorer: Trevor Beauclair, 17 goals
Team Song: Zack Ryder’s theme music
Key Additions: None
Key Losses: None
The Happy Little Elves stunned BTSH in 2010 by winning the championship in only their third year of existence. After allowing the second most goals in the regular season, the Elves clamped down defensively in the playoffs, holding their opponents to an average of two goals per game. Brunette rookie Ryan Nakahara proved he is as clutch as captain Rich Glanzer claims he is with four goals in the playoffs, including two in the championship game.
However, Glanzer and the Happy Little Elves still view last season as a complete and utter failure, despite their other accomplishment of maintaining control of the Barnacle Bowl for another year. For the third consecutive season, they were unable to procure the one trophy they really want, the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup. Glanzer comments:
Once again, we got screwed. In 2009, all teams went 1-1, and we had the greatest goal differential. But it wasn’t good enough for Derek and Eli. And then in 2010, the Rainbows used an illegal goalie to beat us. But it wasn’t just an illegal goalie, it was Craig from the Unicorns!! And while some people will say we used an illegal goalie in Mike O’Connor during that same game, those people are jerks. A protest has been filed to League Do-Nothing Commissioner Adriano Bratta. And when he awards us that victory, we will be the 2010 Fairy Tale Cup champions. Of course, that will change the playoff seeding and the 2010 playoffs will have to be replayed, but nobody remembers who won that anyway. It’s all about the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup dammit!! And I guarantee you this, we have declared Fargin War on Derek and Eli, as well as Craig and Josh Wilson, and anyone else who screws us out of our destiny.
The Happy Little Elves will begin their quest for the Fairy Tale Cup against the Unicorns on June 12. They will face the Dark Rainbows, whom they have never beaten, on June 26. Both of these will be road games for the Elves.
Entity They Resemble, According to Rich Glanzer: Jack Bauer. Jack normally gets his way in the end, though not everyone, even on his own team at CTU thinks Jack’s ways are justified. Jack has tortured many a terrorist, and there are about 16 Little Elves that would be very happy if they could torture their game captain, Hockey Rich. The Elves have never finished over .500 and their record will probably be right around that this season. But come playoff time, Jack and the Elves are contenders.
Fast Fact: Ben Chadwick has discovered a way to make Rich Glanzer 50% louder.
ROSTER
Chris Adrahtas
Trevor Beauclair
Kristen Brodgessel
Melissa Budnick
Garrett “Ax” Carrino
“The Chairman” Ben Chadwick (C)
Jenna Cruff
Shaun deLacy
Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri
Rich Glanzer (A)
Rob “Smash” Muggeo
Ryan Nakahara
Melanie Pessin
Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos
Shoshana Rudnick
Sarah “T-Bone” Torneten
Gil Valdez
The Great Gazoo
Uncle NEDI
I notice there was no mention of the Goaltender’s Union (Local Chapter 33) formed by Elves goaltender Shaun deLacy. This is a disgrace. We are officially on strike. Scabs will be murdered and dismembered. Their blood will paint our creases and their bones will form our net frames and their skin our nets! I’ve been reading entirely too much Stephen King lately.
Wait, am I part of the Goaltender’s Union since I did win an Elfie for Best Elves Goalie??
No. For membership, you have to play 8 games in net. You also have to be able to do 5 minute wall-sit in goalie pads.
Not that anyone should really want credit for creating the goalie union, but Shaun had nothing to do with it. Peter Lang and $hoT!m3 were the co-founders in June 2010:
http://www.btsh.org/bruise/2010/06/16/week-8-news-and-notes-3/
I’m sick of all the whining. Go out and make a few saves and you’ll be mentioned. Rich is stressed out enough. He has already lost all of his hair. We need him to make it over the hill this year so we can rock our oldies line. Or G squared as I like to call it (Garrett, Gil and Glanzer). And also the NEDI ain’t your uncle, it is your father.
what.
“G squared”=G^2… you have three people.
so.
wouldn’t it be “G cubed”? as in G^3?
Yep your right. They don’t go past the second power in the north. Don’t hate.
Am I crazy, or did Glanzer say the Elves have never finished over .500, meanwhile their record was 8-5-0-3 last season?
Damn sunny side of TSP West.
1) I love that Trevor now is in the commenting loop.
2) I love that the Elves preview will have more comments than all the other 19 teams combined, especially if I don’t comment on them.
3) Ferry…we never have finished above .500. Those 3 things on the end??? Those are called overtime or shootout LOSSES! I felt like crap after each one of them.
4) I actually would have been in the failed goalie union if I had won the game against Poutine. I blame the ref ($howt!m3) who disallowed Ryan’s game winning goal.
Rich, our domination of the comment boards is the direct result of my Elves Literacy Program. We are head and shoulders above all other teams with nearly 80% literacy! Give a Hoot!
I love the pictures…but have a hard time understanding all the weird looking symbols that you human folk call “letters.”
Yet you readily, albeit poorly, utilize those symbols on a fairly regular basis. You are nothing if not a contradiction, Rich.
Shaun, you are one of the dumber people I know. No wonder Ben found you. You both have so much useless kernels of intelligence, with zero % street smarts.
You know what I’m doing to Kristen and Ryan, and yet you insult me publicly???
How very foolish.
Uh… What are you doing to Kristen and Ryan?
You’ll see…you’ll see. Shhhh it’s a secret.
And I have a feeling we will have two less players!!!!!!