btsh.org

Color: Electric Lime/Neon Green/that godawful color Filthy Gorgeous used to wear
Year Founded: 2008
2011 Regular Season Finish: 7-7-1-2 (3rd, Hackett Division; 8th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Fresh Kills in the Semi-Finals
Conference: Tagliarano
Division: Bratta
Team Song: “We Represent the Lollipop Guild”

2012 ROSTER

Rich Glanzer (C)

Ben Chadwick (C)

Jenna Cruff (C)

Chris Adrahtas (sub)
Trevor Beauclair
Melissa Budnick
Garrett “Ax” Carrino
Adela Heel Jr.
Shaun deLacy
Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri (sub)
Rob “Smash” Muggeo
Ryan Nakahara
Melanie Pessin
Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos
Shoshana Rudnick (sub)
Sarah “T-Bone” Torneten
Gil Valdez

(New Additions)
Rob Walsh
Luisa Mirarchi
Shannon Schneeman
Dan Brown
The Great Gazoo
Uncle NED

With both the Rainbows and the Unicorns going through major roster changes, you might think that the Elves would be the most drama-free of the three Fairy Tale Cup contenders. If so, you would be horribly, terribly wrong. This is a Rich Glanzer captained team, after all. And the man who is so competitive, he posts his WORDS WITH FRIENDS bingoes on Facebook isn’t going to let anyone grab the spotlight away from him.

Glanzer fought off an early challenge when team co-captain Ben “the Barbarian” Chadwick and Jerome “Almost Asian” Ramos temporarily defected to Poutine Machine’s ice hockey division. Worried that the taste of cheese curds and gravy might be more appealing to them than the Elves stable of Keebler treats, Glanzer doubled down. First he added co-captain to Jenna Cruff’s existing titles of “Team Sweetheart” and “Most “Likely to Report Her Own Captain to the Disciplinary Committee”. Then he made Chadwick and Ramos offers they couldn’t refuse, awarding them both multi-year contracts that would make Rick DiPietro blush. Industry analysts can’t say for sure if there will be a BTSH in 2042, but if there is, Ben and Jerome will still be wearing neon green.

With locker room leadership settled and threats of betrayal squelched, Rich then proceeded to his next 24/Jack Bauer-like management move: increasing the Elves fear and intimidation factor. Towards that end, he signed one of the league’s most feared players, Luisa “Gilly” Mirarchi, whose combination of skill, aggressiveness and utter unpredictability has led more than one player to pronounce “That girl’s crazy!”. For the icing on the cake he continues to hold the rights to Eric “Ogglethorpe” DiPierri, who may return from the Oklahoma leagues when least expected to give $h0wt!me a run for the money in terms of most teams ever played for in BTSH.

We’d add more about other new signings Rob Walsh, Shannon Schneeman and Dan Brown but to be honest, THE ORG isn’t really sure who these people are.

Instead, we’ll address the final two additions to the 2012 Elves roster. Adding fictional players may be a good tactic for defending the Fairy Tale Cup Championship, but we predict these signings will backfire on Glanzer. The Great Gazoo has the kind of personality that is poison in the locker room and Uncle Nedi’s well publicized battles with alcoholism may not be behind him yet.

Our predictions for HLE 2012?

1) Trevor and Gil will score.
2) Rich will comment a lot on the website (and this post).
3) Sarah, Melissa and Melanie will continue to wonder how they ended up on this team in the first place.

In other words, business as usual.

PS: Rich insisted that he receive credit for submitting his team roster first, even though Gouging Anklebiter’s captain Phil Donahue actually beat him to the punch. Make of that what you will.

Entity They Most Resemble (according to Rich Glanzer)

Jenna Cruff. I don’t need a celebrity to compare who the Elves resemble. Jenna is our new captain, and for all those teams that think, “Man, I’d like to get her to play on my team.” Suck it. Not happening. Jenna’s an Elf 4 Life. Now if anyone is interested in Gil….I’m entertaining offers.

This entry was posted on Friday, March 2nd, 2012 at 10:34 am and is filed under 2012 Team Previews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.