btsh.org

#12 Sky Fighters at #5 La Famiglia
12:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

La Famiglia vs. Skyfighters was the opening game of the 2013 BTSH season; for one of the two teams, it will also be its close. But there’s more to this matter than just a clichéd lede. Due to a combination of scheduling snafu and league-wide apathy, La Famiglia and Skyfighters have played each other every single week this year. Predicting the outcome should thus be a trivial statistical matter, except it’s too much trouble to find the old scores (they seem to just stop after May 5th and I can’t figure out how to find the old box scores on the new website). Thus, as we so often do within the fences of Tompkins Square, we must turn to the occult.

Placing myself in the center of a flaming pentagram, I was able to summon Cthulhu (pictured below) by languidly twerking while reciting America’s Pledge of Allegiance in the mystical language of Q*bert. 

There was a noise like the frenzied bleating of a thousand sheep crashing into a wall of old televisions, and then Cthulhu, lord of the underworld, materialized before me in a burst of pink confetti. (Lovecraftian demon-gods are pretty responsive in October.) Cthulhu provided this consultation: “Nyarlathotep dagon miciletto fhtagn fherry stepha’loco hopper wgah’nagl mezzafonte mgl’hey, tius s’snrub, sh’a’fi’q, largo al factotum della città jamestein hufnagel rammstein liu, yada yada yada, omega mu.” And then he sprawled onto the couch, as silent as stone, to munch my Doritos and watch old reruns of Quincy.

But howforth wouldst I, Clavicle, decrypt this enigmatic blurt? For weeks I labored in the bowels of the Strand Bookstore, consulting every book written by Satan’s infernal hand, from the Necronomicon to Goodnight Moon. Alas, I found no answers. Trapped by the abysmal depths of my ignorance and the darkness of gloaming, I subsisted only on silverfish… At wit’s end I inhaled all my cyanoacrylates, and the truth at last revealed itself to me: Cthulhu was just Rich Glanzer with an octopus stuck to his face–  muffled, perhaps, but making as much sense as usual.

But from whence, I pondered, this tentacular cephalopod? The mollusk. The mollusk… dot dot dot…

Ay! The answer was as plain as the octopus on Glanzer’s face. A strong showing from both teams, but Famiglia wins it by two.

– Dr. By’n. Clav’cle, PhD, LAX, SFO, and BLT

#11 Gremlins at #6 Corlears Hookers
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

Damn you clavicle! I was going to use Cthulu in my Gremlins writeup.

Of course, the thing about Gremlins (like Cthulu and Unicorns) is you have to believe in them for them to have any power over you. And that’s the key to this game … belief. The Goblins have to believe that they have the league’s best goalie in Jamie B. They have to believe that they can find the scoring touch they’ve had in the last couple of games. And the have to believe the return of Luke Berg will be the X Factor that powers them to playoff success. Perhaps they can even incite the crowd. Expect Ryan to stop the game with 5 minutes left, turn to the sidelines and ask “Do you believe in Gremlins?”

For the Hookers, the game plan is simple. Show up. We’re not just talking physically either (although it would certainly help if they had a full bench for once). Talent wise, there isn’t a team in the league that can match the Hookers (sorry Fresh Kills but it’s true). But they get beat in the playoffs by teams with better squad cohesiveness (the aforementioned KIlls) or teams that just want it more (cue Rich Glanzer 10 minute soliloquy about the Elves victory. I think it was in 1994 or something).  If Dustin can get his team to bring their hearts and minds to Tompkins on a consistent basis for the next four weeks, the Hookers may finally bring home that elusive PBR cup.

#14 What The Puck at #3 Mathematics
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Rich “Thin Line Between Love and Hate” Glanzer

Fresh KillsTim Brown wants to be the best goalie but knows as long as Romeo is in the league, he can never be #1. So as Commissioner, Tim has told Romeo that the next time he loses, he has to retire. That’s a lot of pressure on #30.

 #15 Mega Touch at #2 LBS, Inc.
3:30 pm, Tompkins Square East

Talk about teams that want it more. Mega blew by Poutine Machine last week due largely to passion and hustle. They scored four on Tim Brown even with Adriano “GOALLLLL” Bratta being held off the scoresheet. They’ll need to bring it again in full force this week. Not only are the LBs. the defending champs and the #2 seed, they’ve also finally got something emotional at stake in this game as well. First, there are rumors that Ken “the Alpha Male” Poulin may come out of retirement for this match. if he does, expect Karsten’s joy to be matched only by his goal production. Second, this is Seth’s last game with LBs (apparently John Tortorella has invited him to go after the Canucks starting goalie job. James Stein is reportedly heartbroken). Expect Sam, Sascha and the rest of the D to step up their game and try as they try to send Seth off with a clean sheet. If Mega can pull off another victory, this will officially be the biggest upset of the season 9so far).

Special note to the color blind: Lbs. are in white, Mega are in grey. This is your game!