BTSH Plants Undercover Agents on Scene of Infamous Opening Party — Agents Report on Timeline of Events in “HiFi” Bar and Lounge
6:40pm: The sandwich falls on the floor during set up, and early volunteers picked it up while counting to 5 in hushed tones.
6:52pm: Cronauer picks a dark, tiny, curly hair out of his teeth and seems puzzled.
8:15pm: All teams are limiting their socializing to inter-team only, and a high-school-dance atmosphere builds as the bolder members cast furtive glances to other teams’ members.
At 8:47pm, the Fuzz discover tool-making.
9:39pm: Rich runs a hand through his eyebrows and hits on Liz again.
9:42pm: Liz gives Rich roughly 5 free drink tickets. That’s to say that the estimate is rough, not that she delivers them roughly. Witnesses report she handed them to him gently.
10:05pm: The Anklebiters storm the castle with a large walking sausage in tow. Also there were costumes.
FILE PHOTO
10:08pm: Walker politely picks up a cardigan which has fallen to floor from a barstool.
10:16pm: Non-BTSHers in the bar are confused and starting to make defensive movements towards their own genitals.
10:18pm: Players unite in a chant (which really materialized as a murmur) that sandwiches are for country club luncheons, and a party needs pizza. According to the majority of those interviewed, pizza pairs well with mistakes.
10:22pm: Anklebiter rookie, Chris, and weathered veteran, Caroline, team up to torture various individuals with a ceramic mug known as “Titty Cup.”
One does not simply “join” the Gouging Anklebiters
10:58pm: Joe P. approaches Rich and says “I just wanted to say, we didn’t poach Tim.” Surrounding witnesses concur that his heart was full, and eyes were clear. A third witness reports possibly seeing Joe’s fingers crossed behind his back, but couldn’t 100% be sure.
11:23pm: The rhythm gets Liam and he immediately fills his dance card with anyone within a 5 foot radius.
11:27pm: Sandwich, a proper noun due to anthropomorphism, appears to multiply and expand in a manner that alarms Danielle, and previous consumers of Sandwich.
I heard the sandwich say “orange juice.”
11:30pm: Sam introduces himself to Diana.
11:35pm: Tim Brown tosses his hair over his right shoulder in slow motion.
11:38pm Worky approaches a conversation between Rich and Alyssa. Worky asks Alyssa what team she plays for. She says Fuzz. He walks away slowly still facing them, and then turns around when at a safe distance. He does not specify a safe distance from what.
11:51pm: Hicks, in a plaid shirt which is questionably en vogue (unless it was meant to be ironic), talks about Fuzz defending their BTSH championship. “Defending a championship” typically requires the winning of a championship in the most recent season. When reached out to for comment, Hicks was unavailable.
At midnight, Sam flies Romy and Michelle away in his helicopter.
12:09am: Rachel G. makes an off-color comment to Glanzer, which he can not confirm nor deny was warranted. They (to date) are not speaking. However many of Rich’s sentences are starting with “ELI CAN YOU PLEASE TELL RACHEL THAT I SAID…” with Rachel present.
12:38pm: The photo booth inexplicably shakes for 4-5 minutes.
1:02am: Meredith sings “Let’s Stay Together” while slow-dancing Rachel, her eyes reportedly flickering with intensity.
Pepper-sprayed by the golden rays of morning, your intrepid correspondents drive their Camaros home with the jangy southern guitar of “Tuesday’s Gone” played nineteen times in a row.
Tags: 2017 opener party recap