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GAME OF THE WEEK

Tompkins Square Riots (2-1-0) at Butchers (2-1-0)

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Notes

Two of the league’s newest franchises meet up in this week’s featured game. The Riots are the early surprise of the season. Amy Jones’new dictatorial management style has resulted in near perfect attendance from the Riots’  talented but often absent offensive threats and the results have paid significant dividends. The Riots are off to a 3-0 start and no team has really tested them so far. That will change this week as they go up against a Butchers squad that features near perfect attendance as well (due in large part to the brutal reprisals that Captain Rachel Greene doles out for anyone who misses a game. Randy Locklair is still recovering from what he calls “A Mossad Necktie”). Jones has claimed that Greene is a mentor and her personal hero. Will this be thee week that the student becomes the master?

Keys To The Game:
1. Riots superstar Patrick Blohme has vowed to drink a shot of aquavit for every save Henrik Lundquist makes on Saturday afternoon. If the Rangers continue their trademark “turtle” defense , expect a severely hungover winger on Sunday.

2. Ben Bloom’s haircut. It’s not only fashionable, the Butchers leading scorer also claims it’s aerodynamic. “I get an extra 5 miles an hour with this thing,” claims the Meatpackers version of Martin St. Louis. If Bloom can convince his teammates to follow his lead the Riots will have a hard time matching their speed

3. Can Riots defenseman Scott Townsend overcome his injury fears? Townsend has had bad luck the past year, dealing with concussions and shoulder injuries. But fear of further damaging his fragile frame led to him being manhandled by Megatouch’s female players two weeks ago. Can he get his confidence back/He’ll need too. If Georgine Paulin smells any blood in the water it will be a long day for the veteran blueliner.

Patrick’s Pick: I’m a Riots believer. The new look team can score in bunches and make life rough for Butchers goalie Eric Ramirez. Ultimately, that firepower is going to be just too much for the talented Butchers d-corps. Look for Riots to win this one 3-2.

Watchability: 4 Cleavers

Filthy Gorgeous at La Famiglia

Game Preview by Poutine Beat Reporter Rich Glanzer or as he prefers …” Written Heroically by former Tuques reporter Rich Glanzer”

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: As expected, the Tuques are finding their niche in the top conference and a tough matchup like this will come around on a regular basis. Filthy has to be feeling great about themselves. They dominated the Happy Little Elves and should have won the game 12-1 instead of 4-1, but the backup goalie for the Elves proved worthy of his 2010 Elfie, for Elves best goalie. By this reporters count, they had approximately 46 shots on goal.

The The Tuques wont have too much open space against the tight Filthy team defense concept, and I expect a 3-1 victory for the boys and girls in blue.

Lbs. Inc at Happy Little Elves

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: is this a hockey game or an ’80s summer movie? The Lbs. are good looking, privileged and sport a perfect record coming in to this one. Meanwhile Jenna’s band of lovable losers are still struggling to find their first win. What’s it going to take for this band of underdogs to defeat the mighty Lbs. machine? Getting goalie Shaun “Khabibulin” DeLacey to end his contract holdout would be a good start.(Newsflash Shaun. No matter how badly Bryz played in the Penguins series, you’re still not getting a call up). Also recruiting a scary punk rocker or a sexy foreign exchange student for your team could help. It always seemed to work for John Cusack.

GutRot at Poutine Machine

Game Preview by La Famiglia BeatReporter Bill Tucker

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Two teams on the rise, one in cholesterol from the fatty food stuffs of their moniker and the other in BAC, meet this Sunday in a Kazin conference tilt.  Poutine Machine has been settling in nicely in their new Larsen Division home, thanks to solid team play and sound defense.  While goals have been hard to come by for the Canadian Cheese Curds, putting four on the Sky Fighters proves the squad is starting to hit their offensive stride.  On the other side of the court sits Gut Rot, a gaggle of malcontents that have played better than league pundits predicted in the preseason.  With their rallying cry of, “19^th Place Or Bust, Bitches” shaking the stools of Ace Bar, Gut Rot looks to continue making noise in the Glanzer Division.  Look for a close contest featuring two hungry and well rested teams.*

*After a pair of strenuous Week 3 games for both Gut Rot and Poutine, sources say team captains Peaches and Patrick “The ORG” Larsen held a secret meeting in the back room of Parkside Lounge.  Details are sketchy but sources claim a crystal ball, an Ouija board and three live chickens were smuggled into the bar.  When questioned about this alleged meeting, Peaches mumbled something about “Rain Fears” and disappeared into the 2 AM mist.  League disciplinarian Creamy considered launching an occult investigation but due to the prohibitive cost of PKE meters, decided against filing a formal charge.

Corlears Hookers at Fresh Kills

by Fresh Kills beat correspondent Eli Kazin

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: While the season is still in its early stages, it is pretty clear that Fresh Kills is not suffering from any championship hangover.  The defending champions did lose a championship game rematch with What The Puck in the first week of the season, but have responded with convincing wins against Filthy Gorgeous and the Dark Rainbows.  The task in front of Fresh Kills this week is a little more daunting, though, as the team draws the Bratta Division leading Corlears Hookers.  The Hookers are one of just three teams to start this season with wins in all three games, and goaltender Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson has been extremely consistent, allowing just one goal in each of the three wins.  This divisional matchup should be low scoring, given the past history when these teams meet and the presence of two of the league’s top goalies in Olson and Fresh Kills’ Patrick Barch.  Of course, should Olson accept Dustin Byfuglien’s offer to go boating on the lake this Sunday and should Barch spend too much time hanging out with teammate Nick Hobbs on Saturday night, then all bets are off.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Far more interesting than seeing all these alpha males battle for league superiority is the reffing debut of Filthy Gorgeous’ James Perriera. Fifty (almost) uninterrupted minutes of James running around in shorts and a plunging V neck? Bring some popcorn, ladies. This is the game for you. 

SkyFighters at What the Puck

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: The SkyFighters are an enigma. They looked great in the first half of their last game against Poutine Machine, spring out to a four goal lead. But then they gave up four unanswered goals, resulting in an unlikely tie. They can’t expect to generate the same offense againt the ex-Rehabs who are coming off of an emotional loss to the current Rehabs. Now that Dan Hopper has stopped watching Penguins games he may remember what defense looks like and ask his team to play some. Meanwhile, Larry Zimmer is still fuming about the fact that the ORG didn’t use Mr. Met on our “rain fears/game cancellation” post last week. Expect him to channel this anger in to a standout performance against the Czech Nationals.

Mega Touch at Gouging Anklebiters

by ORG Reporter at Large Monica Russo

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Who are the Anklebiters? Who are any of us, really? The GAB, a team that has looked virtually the same for the last 74 years, has gone through a massive overhaul this season–a shot in the arm to up ratings, if you will. Kind of like when That’s So Raven joined The Cosby Show (or when Poochie joined The Simpsons). Where I’m going with this is here: unlike The Cosby Show and The Simpsons, this overhaul has made them pretty formidable. The Mega Touch, starring Julie “The Girl Who Gets Her Salsa From New York City” Katz,* is going to have to really bring it if they don’t want to get auf’d. Both teams should come into this game refreshed and relieved, especially after they got to avoid two pretty major games last week.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Corlears Hookers (1-0-0) at La Famiglia(1-0-0)

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Notes:So many good matchups this week that it’s a tough pick but this is the one that all the Tim Brown and Bratta division captains will be watching. La Famiglia were the Cinderella story of last year but exited the playoffs early. A win over Rehabs last week has many thinking that they may be picking up right where they left off. But they’re still unproven against top tier talent. Perennial powerhouses the Hookers have put their legal woes behind them but they looked a lot like the Montreal Canadiens in their first game i.e. they struggled to score and needed a shootout to power by Glanzer’s Green Goblins. Not promising when you consider that La Famiglia had one of the stingiest defenses in the league last year. It’s early days yet but this may be a game may help a lot of people figure out if the Italian Stallions are for real and whether the 2012 Hookers are a Sam Pollock franchise or a Pierre Gauthier team.

Keys To The Game:
1. Can the Olson twins find their scoring touch? They’ll need too for the Hookers to get a result.
2. It’s Palm Sunday. Will La Famiglia’s religious heritage mean that the team will be too busy Tebowing to deliver their trademark, impenetrable defense.
3. It’s an election year. Will local politicians be able to resist the appeal of prostitution and organized crime? This game may come down to which team has a bigger war chest for payoffs to corrupt lawmakers and (if he’s reffing) Chris “Cosa Nostra” Di Motta.

Patrick’s Pick: I’m a believer. I think the Family takes this one in a tightly contested, defensive match.
Watchability: 4.0 RICO violations

Mathematics at Butchers

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Almost as inappropriate as last week’s “Do the Math” cheer, this week Derek Tagliarino has been telling his team that all he can think about is “Beating the Meat”. Yeah, I can’t get the image out of my head either. Still, Math managed to score four goals against the Megas last week. And Butcher’s team co-captain Rachel Greene is away touring Southeast Asia for “talent”. Without her firm hand at the tiller, will the Butchers slack off enough for Math to steal a result? Probably not, now that I’ve written about the possibility of them doing just that. Sorry, Lazer.

Dark Rainbows at GutRot

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Which team wants it less? The two most laid back organizations in the league go head to head in an early Sunday match.We predict the game being called midway through the second half so that Gut Rot can go for Bloody Marys and the Rainbows can plant sunflowers. The only player remaining will be Ellery Gilette, continuously scoring on an empty net and celebrating each goal with a shot of Jack. Tragically, his stats will not be recorded as Peaches and Sean already agreed that the only symbols appearing on the game sheet should be hugs and kisses. Nice one, guys.

Gouging Anklebiters at What the Puck

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: The new look Anklebiters beat up on the Gremlins last week, scoring more goals in one game than they did in the first month of the season last year. But Anthony Romeo is out to prove that they’re not quite ready to run with the big dogs yet. God may love a terrier but WTP clearly think they’re best in show. The question to be answered is clearly “which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?”

Cobra Kai at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: The dojo dropped their home opener while the Riots put on a rare offensive display last week. But there are a lot of questions surrounding this week’s game. Will TSR be able to field a consistent lineup two weeks in a row? And has Cobra Kai Co-Captain Will Kuhns gotten over the emotional devastation of watching the USA lose to Canada in soccer last week? And who took Will Adams’ stick. Was it you Greg? Look for the answers (or at least a lot of confused faces) at this mid-afternoon matchup.

Gremlins at Poutine Machine

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Editorial integrity prevents us from writing about this one. So we’ll go with trivia instead. Did you all know Jo-Ann Provencher was French Canadian? Me neither.

Sky Fighters at Happy Little Elves

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Top tier teams, plenty of scoring capability on both sides, and solid goaltending from both sides. So what is the secret to winning this game? Rich Glanzer’s infamous vanity and love of non-existent championships. I suggest that Dan Hopper walk up to Rich before the game and tell him that he’s been awarded a Webby for his work on http://sadrichie.wordpress.com/. He’ll be so excited, he won’t stop talking for the rest of the match, distracting his teammates and ensuring a victory for the Czech National Squad.

Fresh Kills at Filthy Gorgeous

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Keys:After last week’s performance, Filthy Captain Monica Russo has decreed that no more than six players will be on the FG bench at any one time this year. It’s an interesting strategy but it should solve any player complaints about ice time. Meanwhile, Kills Captain Dave Sokol has taken a different tack, calling up 13 new players after last week’s loss to What the Puck. “It’s clearly time to start rebuilding.”, he told the ORG. Expect this to be a close one guys. 

Lbs. Inc at Rehabs

Location: Tompkins East 5:30 PM

Game Keys: While Sam and Brian battle it out for the title of “tallest man in BTSH who is not Ben Chadwick” their less vertically gifted comrades will be going at it tooth and nail. These are two cranky teams and being last to the bar isn’t going to improve their dispositions any. Look for the game that former Head of Officiating Jeremy Schumacher called “a referee’s worst nightmare” to be hard fought and bloody. No matter what the outcome, we can all count on one thing. Rehabs, suck.

MegaTouch at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins West 5:30 PM

Game Keys: The scandal rocked Demons take on the BTSH equivalent of choirboys in this week’s final matchup and for Rubens’ Raiders the timing couldn’t be better. The DEmons squad has all the talent needed to win games but still needs to work on their chemistry. For Mega the story is pretty much the opposite. They’ve got great chemistry and work hard but still need one or two more pure offensive talents to yield consistent results. If Adam can rally the troops, this one is the Demons to lose. Otherwise, the GCBs of Mega may be celebrating thier first win.

Like the Hookers, Gut Rot did not submit an official roster to the ORG. Unlike the Hookers, team captain Jeff “the most interesting ball hockey player in the world” Hendricks announced his intention not to. His guidance to the ORG was simple, “Write whatever you want but make us look tough.”

So Ladies & Gentlemen, since a picture is worth a thousand words, … we give you Gut Rot 2012.

Entity They Most Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)

Entity: Stalin

Last year, the Gut Rotters reffed a total of about 4 games through the first 15 weeks. It would go like this. 

By ORG Special Correspondent Abby Meisterman

Color: Navy Blue/Peach
Year Founded: 2006
2011 Regular Season Finish: 10-6-0-1 (3rd, Rubens Division; 8th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Denim Demons in Round of 16
Conference: Tagliarino
Division: Bratta
Team Song: Scissor Sisters – Filthy/Gorgeous

Roster:

monica russo (captain)

some guy named JJ

Color: Orange
Year Founded: 2001
2010 Regular Season Finish: 9-5-1-2 (3rd, Hackett Division; 7th overall)
2010 Playoff Result: Lost to Fresh Kills in Championship
Conference: Tagliarino
Division: Tim Brown
Team Song: Meet the Mets (New York Mets Fight Song)

By ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo

Before we start the WTP season preview, we here at the ORG would like to welcome me back for my first writeup of the year. Welcome!