btsh.org

Color: Royal Blue
Year Founded: 2002
2011 Regular Season Finish: 11-4-2 (1st, Hackett Division; 3rd overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Beat What the Puck to Win Championship
Conference: Tagliarino
Division: Bratta
Team Song: Fresh – Kool & the Gang

by ORG Editor Emeritus Eli Kazin

When Fresh Kills won the 2008 BTSH championship, “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser, a former team captain and longtime league member, decided to retire as a champion.  So when captain Dave Sokolyansky alerted the media to an off-season press conference regarding a major personnel announcement, much of the speculation centered on whether former team captain and longtime league member, Kevin “The Planet” Foster, would execute a move similar to Lesser.  However, the assembled media were stunned when Scott Lee appeared on the dais with Sokolyansky to announce his retirement as a full-time BTSH player.

For those who may have missed it, the full text of Lee’s brief statement read as follows: I am truly sorry to my legion of fans, but after two thrilling but strenuous seasons in BTSH, I am no longer a full-time player.  My passion for a weekly recreational league has waned substantially since I first joined BTSH back in 2010.  Now that I have my degree from university and I am starting my professional career, I have decided to prioritize my activities.  Regretfully, another full season with Fresh Kills is just not in the cards.  Once again, I am truly sorry.

Despite the loss of Lee, Fresh Kills is well positioned to once again sit amongst the league’s premier teams.  Foster, who scored the game-winning goal in the 2011 championship game against What The Puck, is returning, and despite his overwhelmingly sensitive nature, he is focused on winning another championship.  It is rumored that Foster also came back for another season in order to reclaim the title of “Hardest Shot in BTSH” from current champion David Kenneth Fraser (Denim Demons) at the league’s annual Skills Competition.  Sokolyansky has also quietly built a deep rotation of female players, including Alice Bertoni, the only league member to win two championships in the past three seasons, and Ashley Singer, who in her rookie season put forth a playoff performance reminiscent of Esa Tikkanen, with goals in both the quarterfinals and semifinals.

Another reason for optimism from the Fresh Kills camp this season is the highly anticipated return of Justin “The Boss” Ross, a 2010 All-Rookie selection, from a lower-body injury.  Ross led the team with 12 goals in 2010, and was on his way to repeating this feat in 2011 with five goals through seven games.  However, during a Week 9 contest versus the Sky Fighters, an unbalanced Lee lost his footing and crashed into an unsuspecting Ross on the sideline, ending Ross’ season prematurely.  Sokolyansky was quick to praise Ross, noting, “Getting Justin back this year will really improve our offense.  His presence was greatly missed during the second half of the regular season and the playoffs.”  Nick Hobbs, Ross’ linemate, agreed with his captain’s sentiments, adding, “My assists dropped dramatically without Justin on my wing.”

Of course, Fresh Kills would not be anywhere without its last line of defense, goaltender Patrick Barch.  While his 2010 All-Rookie season was a tough act to follow, Barch put forth an even better performance in 2011, finishing fourth in the league with a 1.60 goals against average.  In the playoffs, Barch stepped up his game even more, allowing just five goals in four games.

Last year, Sokolyansky’s deep squad surprised the skeptics, and every straw poll voter except for Sky Fighters goalie James Stein, by winning the extremely competitive Hackett Division.  A third consecutive division title is certainly within reach for the defending champions, but Sokolyansky and company have their sights set on a bigger goal, as another championship would be the team’s third in five seasons, and certainly begin talk of a dynasty.

Entity They Most Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)

Entity: Elly Manning. Truth be told, this was the easiest one. 2008 was my first season and everyone told me the Hookers were going to win, so when Fresh Kills won, I thought it was a fluke. They made it to the semi’s in 2009, surprising me, but I knew WTP would kill them. In 2010 I nearly jumped for joy when I found out I was playing them in the QF’s. See, much like the debate with Elly Manning, I did not think Fresh Kills were elite. But after the first period where we dominated and were only up 1-0, I knew we were in trouble. FK scored two goals and deLacey was standing on his head when the great Eric DiPieri used our timeout without my permission to stop the bleeding. It worked, the play evened out but we were down by a goal and out of timeouts. Luckily, Kevin Foster miraculously called a timeout with a minute left for some un-Godly reason and we set up a play, tied the game and won in OT. After the game I realized, man was I wrong about these guys. They are legit.

Despite repeated requests to Jason Eitel, Joshua Sadlier-Brown and former Captain Peter Prutka we received no roster from the Hookers.

Was it a media blackout? Were they withdrawing from BTSH to ensure continued Bullmoose dominance in the Moffo league? Relocating the franchise in a Baltimore Colts style middle of the night getaway?

No one seemed to have the answers until we received this document from an anonymous source:

Well that explains everything.

Good luck with your legal troubles, Hookers. We hope you get everything worked out before the start of the BTSH season.

Entity They Most Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)

Entity: USFL

Color: Red
Year Founded: 2002
2011 Regular Season Finish: 10-6-0-1 (2nd, Rubens Division; 8th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to What the Puck in quarterfinals
Conference: Tagliarino
Division: Rubens

Team Song: “Tubular Bells” – Mike Oldfield

Roster

What is it about teams named after denizens of the Netherworld?

Consider the New Jersey Devils. They have a world class (if aging) goaltender, a talented offensive pair in Ilya Kovalchuk and Zach Parise, solid management from Lou Lamoriello, and they always perform well in the regular season. But when the playoffs roll around they always come up a bit short.

Now think about their BTSH counterparts, the Denim Demons. They have a BTSH Hall of Fame (though aging rapidly) goalie in Aaron “Coach” Pagdon, the talented offensive pair of Mike “Not James’ Brother” Perriera and Jeff “Kamen, Saw, Conquered” Kamen, solid Management from Adam “Pee Wee” Rubens and they always perform well in the regular season. But like their NHL brethren, the Demons always seem to find themselves on the wrong side of a playoff result.

It’s enough to make you think that worshipping at the altar of Satan is a bad thing.

To be fair, it’s never been poor team play that’s beat the Demons. It’s always been the little things. A bounce here, a missed pass there, Sharif Corinaldi chanting “the Power of Christ compels you” (wait, that was his cheer for Trevor aka Jesus of the Dark Rainbows during their finals match against the Hookers. It’s got nothing to do with the Demons but may still be the greatest moment in BTSH history). But as the team has matured, Pee Wee definitely felt that there was something missing. And a combination of off season retirements and roster changes have led to a significant revamp of Hell’s hockey players for 2012.

In the words of their Captain, “No more, Mr. Nice Guy!”.

Ok, I totally made up that quote but a look at the Demons roster shows that this is one serious team. Gone are more lighthearted players like Jim “Dandy” Dandenault and Danny “The P is for Polite” Polinsky. In their place are Sareb “What Whistle?” Lalrib and Sandy “Bat Out of Hell” Batista, two players that give other teams nightmares (and sometimes those nightmares even have something to do with hockey). And Lena Moy-Borgen and Zack Tinkelman are so intense they’ve made other players cry just by looking at them.

There’s no doubt that the 2012 Demons are badass. But team chemistry remains the intangible X-Factor. Will Pee Wee and his lovable band of devil worshippers finally come together and get over the post-season hump. Other teams have tried the “hardcore” strategy before without ultimate success (e.g. the Corlears Hookers who’s strategy of not celebrating goals has given them a lot of success but also turned them in to the ’90s Buffalo Bills of BTSH). And 18 weeks is a long time to go without smiling.

The Demons combination of skill, athleticism and ritual goat sacrifice makes them a formidable foe for any team in the league. So stock up on holy water, crucifixes and any player with Christian symbolism in their name, Captains (we’ve already received a lot of trade offers for Brodie St. John). Hell’s a comin’ and you better be ready.

Entity They Most Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)

Entity: Black jerseys

Color: Yellow/Red
Year Founded: 2002
2011 Regular Season Finish: 13-1-1-2(1st, Donohue Division; 1st overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Happy Little Elves in round of 16
Conference: Tagliarino
Division: Brown
Team Song: “O Surdato Nammurato” – Italian Traditional

By ORG Special Correspondent Bill Tucker

When the ORG went to their hockey writer bullpen and asked us to write a season preview, I immediately claimed La Famiglia.  What better team to write about than last year’s Cinderella story.  Leading the league in both points (29) and wins (13), the team shocked the world with their regular season dominance.   Backed by the league’s second best offense and third best defense, Dave Ladanyi’s squad left the Larsen division in shambles, coasting to a first round matchup with the Happy Little Elves.  Unfortunately for The Family, the glass slipper fell off as the soon as the tournament started, as they fell to the Elves in a thrilling yet heartbreaking 3-2 loss.  With their playoff dreams dashed, fans of the team wondered if the team was ready to take the next step or if they were merely playoff pretenders.

Not content with being one hit wonders, the former Tuques come into the 2012 campaign largely intact.  Thanks to a settlement awarded to Alfred Liu in a copyright infringement lawsuit against the Famous Famiglia restaurant chain, the team was able to re-sign both Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and 2011 scoring champion Denis Miciletto.  Sources say the players were compensated with all you can eat helpings of bologna alfredo in lieu of cash.  To compliment their fearsome offense, La Famiglia also boasts one of the league’s best two way players in Haanwa Chau.  Fresh off of a fourth place finish representing the US of A in the 2011 Women’s Ball Hockey World Championship, Haanwa gained some valuable experience to compliment an already well rounded Famiglia squad.  Add to the mix the always reliable goaltending of Kevin Au, and the team looks poised to make another run at a high seeded playoff berth.

But not everything is sunny in this fairytale of blacktop and hockey balls.  With great success, comes great responsibility as the team finds themselves not only in a new division, but in an entirely new conference.  13 of the 18 games on the team’s schedule are against conference opponents, many of which are unfamiliar to The Yellow and Red.  In response to this new challenge, the team has taken some brash moves to prepare themselves for this higher level of competition.   Pete Wilson has spent his off season working on his “Stare of Intimidation”, Andrea Grande-Capone has been sharpening her defensive skills fighting wolverines in the Swiss Alps and BTSH mainstay Ant Ventolieri has been retrofitting an old Delorian with a flux capacitor.  Will La Famiglia be searching out a power source capable of the 1.21 gigawatts required to take them back to last year?  The golden days of beating up on the George McFly’s of the league may be over but the chance to steel themselves against better competition promises to make them even more dangerous when they make it to the big dance.  Provided they can keep their glass slippers on, of course.

Here are three early season games that just may give us the answer to that all important question.  As for the question itself, I completely forgot it due a booze induced blackout that may or may not have happened after the Free Agent Scrimmage.   Allegedly.

April 1st – Corlears Hookers @ La Famiglia – While Famiglia’s opening game against the Rehabs will be the team’s first battle in the Brown division, this contest serves as an early test of conference readiness.  If they can hang with the Hookers, they can hang with anybody.

April 22^th – La Famiglia @ Gut Rot – The first of three Hockey Night at Tompkins appearances for La Famiglia, this game promises to be a good one, if only for the drunken antics that will ensue at Doc Holiday’s prior to the contest. Look for some wild shenanigans in this early season matchup.

May 6^th – Happy Little Elves @ La Familgia – After a crushing playoff defeat at the hands of Glanzer’s Great Gazoos, The Family will be looking to get some mafia style revenge in this Week 6 grudge match.

Entity They Most Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)

Entity: 2012-13 NY Rangers