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2012 Season Preview – Skyfighters

Tuesday, March 20th, 2012

Color: Sky Blue
Year Founded: 2007 (current version), 2002 (original version)
2011 Regular Season Finish: 8-5-2-2 (4th, Hackett Division; 10th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to What the Puck in Round of 16
Conference: Tagliarino
Division: Brown

Team Song:“Saturday Night’s Allright for Fightin’ (HNIC version)” -Nickelback (ugh)

Roster

James Stein (Goalie)
Tim Burke (Backup Goalie)
Alice DuBois

Carley Demchuk

Lindsey Dinsmore

Ruth Grossman
Samantha Lee
Sarah Larson

Trace Della Torre
Bob Weyersberg
Dan Hopper
David Ritter
Greg Cohan
Greg Hartzberg

Greg Infanti
Ivo Mocek
Lada Majkus
Mark Bloom
Martin Cejka
Robert Kucera
Stefan Danicich
Hockey historians will remember that in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s the Montreal Canadiens were able to secure a series of championships thanks to GM Sam Pollock’s control of the developmental leagues and ruthless pursuit of other teams draft picks. After being blown out in the round of 16 last year, Skyfighter’s Captain Dan “Chopper” Hopper is pursuing a similar strategy, scouring other leagues for young talent who can revive the Blue Brawlers failing fortunes.
So far his only notable move has been the signing of Street Hockey Tsar and former Fresh Kills/Riots agitator Bob Weyersberg to a tryout contract. Bob W. knows what he has to do on the court and swears he’s looking forward to playing Marty McSorley to Hopper’s aspiring Gretzkys. As he wryly noted, “When you’ve written the rule book you know where all the loopholes are.” In addition, to his ability to torture refs with his ability to quote chapter and verse, Weyersberg’s contacts with Rangers and Moffo management should prove useful as Hopper restocks his playoff squad. It’s a canny move from the wily Captain who is definitely playing the long game when it comes to roster additions.
Of course, the heart of this team remains the Budvar loving, Russian hating trio of  Martin Cejka, Robert Kucera, and Stefan Danicich. Thanks to them this team is more Czech than a fish in the bathtub at Christmastime. In order to secure their commitment to the team, Hopper had to make a number of concessions, including agreeing to grow his hair in to an approximation of Jaromir Jagr’s mullet circa 1991 and getting Lindsay Dinmore to officially change her last name to Stastny. Hopper did know where to draw the line though. The threesome’s suggestion of shots of Slivovice after every goal they score and playing of the Moravian state anthem before each game were soundly rejected. A shame really. “Moravska Hymna” is a beautiful piece of music.
Still, Hopper’s ability to get all three of the “Czechmates” signed paid almost immediate dividends in the off season. Not only did he tie up the steady stream of young players being coached by Martin and Rob, he also got Stefan to agree to take goalie James Stein on a pilgrimage to Pardubice. The Luongo loving Stein spent the summer mucking out stables on Dominik Hasek’s pig farm, learning the secret of clutch goaltending and making surprisingly tasty sausage. The mentor-student relationship was progressing nicely until Stein mentioned that he would be playing street hockey rather than ice hockey. At that point, Hasek experienced flashbacks to his own violence filled street hockey days and proceeded to burn down the entire complex in a fit of murderous rage. The locals claimed they could smell frying bacon for weeks and when Stein returned to North America he could only mouth the words “The horror, the horror.” Hopper was forced to sign backup Tim Burke in case Stein displayed any lasting psychological trauma from the experience and teammates are forbidden from eating pork scratchings in his presence.
Of course, the real strength of this team is it’s female players. While opponents focus on “the Big Three” and the possibility of an all Greg forward line, students of the game realize that Samantha Lee scored the only goal for the Fighters in their playoff loss. Alice DuBois regularly lights the lamp and Trace Della Torre has an Italian name so we’ll assume that she’s at least as good as Alice(at least they can yell “forza azzurri” together). And Sarah “the Other” Larson is a force to be reckoned with.
If the Skyfighter’s female players are a consistent presence and Hopper starts working the phones, then this will be a team that can compete even on Czech national holidays. But if the team disintegrates in to nationalistic camps or Weyersberg becomes the notorious discipline problem he’s been in the past, then Hopper may have his work cut out for him. Their ultimate goal has to be to create team chemistry at least a week or two before they start playing playoff games. Otherwise, their season could be over by St. Wenceslas’ Day.
Entity They Most Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)
Entity: Chicago Blackhawks

Sorry to get all American in this entity, but what the hell? After winning it all in 2009, being eliminated in a silly shootout in the semi’s of 2010 (Yes count me on the side of shootouts suck) the Sky Fighters came into 2011 trying to stake their claim as BTSH’s best franchise. But sadly, much like the post Cup winning Blackhawks, and Stella, the Sky Fighters have yet to find their groove again.
But that’s the thing, even at their worst they still won more games than they lost. Expect a rise in the standings and a playoff run from these guys. It would surprise me if they didn’t make the semi’s. Because as much as it kills me to say, outside of Tim Brown, not sure there’s a better goalie in the league than James Stein. (All you Craig fans come down. He’s still very good but his best days are behind him, just like the ball will be the next time I face Craig)
Sad Fact: I will miss the Martin diagram that Derek and Elly used to put up.

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2012 Season Preview – Mathematics

Monday, March 19th, 2012

Color: Gray/Black
Year Founded: 2006
2010 Regular Season Finish: 8-6-2-2 (2nd, MacNeil Division; 13th overall)
2010 Playoff Result: Lost to Poutine Machine in Round of 16
Conference: Kazin
Division: Glanzer
Team Song: Particle Man – They Might Be Giants

Roster

Derek T. (C)
Eli Kazin
Zach Norris
Andy Pratt
Mike Smith
Brad Schmidt
Justin Perras
Adam Langer
Laura MacNeil
Lilly Preston
Ali Corsi
Amy Anderla
Sheena Otto
Joe Boshko (G)
Minkus (G)
Liz Hirsch
Sarah Coombs
Mike Geraci
Cherie Stewart

Mathematics were started in fit of altruism by some of the most influential thinkers BTSH has ever seen. Led by Nobel Prize for Physics candidate Sharif Corinaldi, influential designers Andy Pratt and Sarah Coombs and Canada’s most intellectual American Laura MacNeil, the group swore to use their advanced knowledge of Chemistry, Quantum Mechanics,Neuroscience and Genetics to build a hockey team that could not only win championships but also develop a Unified Field Theory. Sporting special aerodynamic uniforms and advanced carbonfiber equipment, they were the Classical ideal of “Mens sana in corpore sano” personified.

Alas, their hockey utopia was not to be. Coombs and Pratt’s side project of creating a genetically perfect human being soon took over their focus, resulting in the birth of Donovan “Neo” Pratt, a child who has been prophesied to bring a new Golden Age to the planet and a string of PBR cups to the team. Realizing the child would be vulnerable to Herod-like attacks from haters like Larry Zimmer and Coach, Coombs elected to give up her own hockey career to ensure the infant’s safety. Andy Pratt would only return to the game after he created a sophisticated monitoring device (disguised as a hockey helmet) which allowed him to track his wife and child’s movements at all times. While the headgear has functioned perfectly, it’s divided Pratt’s laserlike focus, resulting in only low double digit scoring in recent seasons. Meanwhile, Corinaldi accepted a position at the Xerox PARC research labs working on combining nanotechnology and athletic protection. His goal of creating a men’s cup that actually washes itself has remained elusive but Corinaldi assures us that he is close to a breakthrough. Abandoned by her fellow intelligentsia, MacNeil returned to advanced study. With nowhere else to turn she handed the reins of the team to the far less academically oriented Derek “Lazer” Tagliarino and Eli “Blazer” Kazin.

Without the MacArthur Grants that funded the team previously, Tagliariano and Kazin were forced to take the reins of BTSH media (in a covert effort to recruit attention seeking players). As a result, the Mathematics have become the league’s biggest glory hounds, saying and doing anything to attract attention. Tagliarino’s many fake feuds are the most notorious part of this mix but Minkus’ sex tape, Mike Smith’s numerous attempts to date a Kardashian sister, and Ali Corsi’s short lived marriage to Nicolas Cage are all examples of a team that would rather see their names on page six than on a scoresheet.

Despite these huge character flaws, Mathematics actually play some pretty good hockey. A distracted Andy Pratt is still one of the most dangerous players on the court. MacNeil and Corsi are determined battlers who always win the battles in the corners. And Brad Schmidt represents a potent alternative offensive threat to Pratt, frustrating opposing defenses and scoring goals in bunches. Even Kazin and Tagliarino are not to be underestimated. Their relentless self promotion often obscures the fact that Eli is a solid two way player who can plug himself in to just about any position. And “Lazer” has scored some crucial goals for his team over the last couple of seasons. With consecutive second place finishes, this could be the year that Math finally take their division, ideally positioning themselves for the playoff debut of the aforementioned Donovan Pratt (who’s already shooting at an eight grade level).

With Kazin and Tagliarino no longer providing easy access to the media this team may go one of two ways. A newly focused Math may rediscover the purity of purpose they enjoyed during the intellectual golden days of the Corinaldi reign. Or they may begin a downward spiral into drugs and alcohol as they desperately try to attract the attention of TMZ and Perez Hilton, now that the ORG has refused to cover their shenanigans.

Either way, we’re definitely not embracing Tagliarano’s new team cheer “Do the Math!”

Keep it classy, guys and gals. Keep it classy.

Entity That They Resemble (according to Rich Glanzer)

Entity: Bert and Ernie.

While Bert and Ernie seem to live a lovable, generous life together, behind closed doors the two were some of the biggest creeps this world knows. Derek and Elly are no different. The pair often “role play” where Derek is Bert and Elly is Ernie. Here is a video of the two. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNxgLciIQYE
Last season, the pair awarded themselves “Best Duo” stealing glory away from myself and Matt Workman. But will Math as a whole steal glory from the rest of BTSH? Not right away, but Derek T. is building something nice. Lilly and Ali makes up for a great 1-2 in girls, Joe is the most underrated goalie in the league, and Andy Pratt is a top 10 player. They need to scower the free agent market and pick up a couple of elite players. If they do that, they can be the surprise of the league. If not, then they will have success in their division, but not much come playoff time.
Fun Fact: Derek T. always gets the Q,J,Z, and X along with at least one of the blank tiles and 3 of the S’ in words with friends. True story.
Fun Fact 2: Elly wishes you a happy birthday!
Not so fun fact: Mike Smith is on their team. 

 

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2012 Season Preview – Not the Unicorns

Sunday, March 18th, 2012

Color: Yellow?
Year Founded: 2012
2011 Regular Season Finish: NA
2011 Playoff Result: NA
Conference: Kazin
Division: Larsen
Team Song: “Beautiful Stranger” – Madonna

Roster

Ryan Mills – Captain

Mark McAdam

Dr. Cathy Cho
Rod Sherwood
Luke Berg
Iannis Tourkalis
Caitlin Ervin
John Walker
Jon Rick
Charlie Mackenzie
Jamie B
Athena Curry
Amber Ross
Alison Shilling
Sudeep Banarjee
Chad Pitman
While Unicorns may be only the purest white this new team is the season’s real dark horse. What do you do when your Captain, goalie and top scorer succumb to the charms of a roguish leperchaun and leave the team? What do you do when wearing a Golden Girls shirt just doesn’t take away your crippling emotional pain? What do you do when things stop being mythological horselike creatures and start getting real?
If you’re Ryan Mills and the rest of the core of one of BTSH’s founding franchises you pick yourself up and rise like a Phoenix from the ashes.
Ryan doesn’t see it as a completely new team though. “We’re taking a Hollyood approach to this,” he explained. “Don’t think of it as a rebuilding so much as a reimagining. It’s like we’re starting the series over with some hot young actors and a fresh take on the franchise.”  It’s a nice idea but the jury is still out on whether this will be Star Trek or Star Wars: Episode 1 (sorry, we know the old Unicorns were more Lord of the Rings than LucasArts but we couldn’t come up with an appropriate analogy). Will Ryan and co. rise to new heights or has the magic left along with the Unicorns name. Heck, are they even still eligible for the Fairytale Cup?
Who knows?
It looks like everything is going to be a gametime decision with this team.
We can tell you that John Rick and Charlie Mackenzie had some nice chemistry together in the past. Ageless wonders Mark Macadam and Caitlin Ervin can still bring it when needed. And Iannis Tourkalis was heavily scouted by the KHL before agreeing to another year with the new BTSH franchise.
But there are still more questions than answers.
Will Dr. Cathy Cho live up to the high standards set by fellow highly educated BTSHers Dr. Alfred Liu and Dr. Jean Hebert?
Is Chad Pitman a real guy or the “phony” from JD Salinger’s timeless classic Catcher in the Rye?
What does the “B” in Jamie B stand for (Our guess? “Booyaa”)?
Does this team have a goalie?
Does this team have a name?
In one week all these questions will be answered. Until then “Not the Unicorns” remain a mystery wrapped inside of an enigma, the BTSH equivalent of “Lost”.
Maybe Glanzer can figure out what’s going on …
Entity they Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)
Entity: $howt!m3
Y’all remember $howt!m3 right? The former Unicorn, Rehab, Mathlete and current Dark Rainbow is very reminiscent to the Uni’s. $how left the Rehabs for a better life at Math, and then realized there is nothing worse in life than playing with Mike Smith (Hippie) every week.
The Uni’s were once a prestigious franchise, had a loyal captain in Coco, a great goalie in Craig and Joe P. A highly talented yet oft-injured forward/defensemen that once told Courtney, “my pinkie looks a little bruised. It feels fine, but it looks bruised.”
 $howt!m3 eventually regretted leaving the Rehabs and Math. A forced retirement is never any fun. League Commissioner Adriano Bratta who has said publicly that his legacy is tied to the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup has ruled that they are no longer eligible, since they are not actually Unicorns anymore. Much like $how…the Uni’s will regret the name change, and the loss of three excellent players.  My prediction….they will rival the Happy Little Elves, circa 2008.

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2012 Season Preview – Cobra Kai

Saturday, March 17th, 2012

Color: Camouflage/White
Year Founded: 2006
2011 Regular Season Finish: 6-7-1-3 (4th, Donohue Division; 15th overall)
2010 Playoff Result: Lost to Gouging Anklebiters in Opening Round
Conference: Kazin
Division: Larsen
Team Song: Ballad of the Green Berets

Roster

Greg Altman
Jerry Chavez
David Cicirelli
Morgan Doninger
Miriam  El Rassi
Rem Garavito
Anita Khar
Will Kuhns
Peter Lang
JJ Murphy
Becky Pear
Meredith Sladek
Mark Talercio
Christina Verigan
Fay Wells
Kristen Wise

The ORG has to be honest with you. We hate these guys. After all the grief they’ve caused Duke, Snake Eyes, Scarlett, and the rest of the Joes over the years, we just can’t forgive them. And it’s our strong belief that BTSH should not let known terrorists play in our league.

What’s that?

We’re thinking of COBRA not Cobra Kai?

Oh. Well now we know. And knowing is half the battle.

It’s easy to understand our confusion though, isn’t it? The camouflage uniforms, the paramilitary style organization, the strange cheers. The Dojo definitely approaches  things a litlle differently than other teams in the league.

Now that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Cobra Kai’s mixture of hockey skill and psychological intimidation have transformed them from Ski’s lovable band of losers to a disciplined machine. When battle ready and properly supplied these jarheads can compete with anyone. And Platoon Leader Greg Altman has shown an ability to think outside the box, disregarding traditional BTSH thinking to embrace unorthodox strategies like recruiting real athletes (I’m looking at you Will Kuhns and you Kristen Wise). So what’s up with the relatively low regular season finish and the disappointing opening round loss to Donohue’s team of slackers and draft dodgers?

Quite simply this team has a troop allocation problem. During key campaigns many of the forces most strategic assets have gone AWOL leading to undermanned campaigns and a lack of unit cohesion. No one doubts that Cobra Kai have the firepower to get things done. But the inconsistency of their squad make up from week to week renders them vulnerable to defeat by passionate local fighters who know the terrain (e.g. the aforementioned Anklebiters).

This year things could be different. Kuhns is stepping up to assume a command role and he and Altman are insisting that all team members shave their heads before the first game (a classic “Break ’em down and build them up strategy”). And goalie Peter Lang has threatened to shoot his own men if they don’t protect his perimeter (tip to CK players: do not take this threat lightly). Plus secret weapon Rem Garavito is still off the radar for many BTSH opponents. He can be lethal in the offensive zone.

If Garavito and Kuhns can play together consistently then the Kai make be able to execute their “Seal Team Six” strategy on a regular basis. If not, look for things to be more “Tropic Thunder” than “Desert Storm”.

Entity They Most Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)

Entity: A Teddy Bear

You see, what had happened was…actually I have no idea what happened. Cobra Kai should not be losing to last years version of the Anklebiters in the first round, yet it was no surprise to me as I picked the Anklebiters to win. Somewhere along the line the 2011 Cobra Kai’ers got a lil soft. Maybe it was in-fighting, maybe it was Peter Lang offering up his girlfriend if he could play for the Elves, maybe it was Sarib attempting to teach all the girls how to shoot, I’m really not sure, but I know team disarray when I sees it. And last season I saws it.
The good news is once harmony replaces disarray they should be ok. (calm down Lang, I’m not talking about the transgendered strippers you see at Rick’s Cabaret, they still both work there…from what I’m told by Trevor) I expect a rebound season from these guys. There’s just too much actual hockey talent to suck two years in a row. 
Fun Fact:*
I actually saw the very chill Will Kuhns get into a verbal altercation during Rachel Greene’s “charity” hockey tournament. He tripped Suvin by mistake and Suvin took a nasty spill and got upset. Or maybe it was the other way around? Not even sure if Suvin or Will were actually involved, but I thought I saw Rachel and Derek T. pocket a few hundy-sticks from the “charity” kitty. (I’m just bitter about Rachel stripping me of the championship, I never saw her steal anything. I’m just assuming. Derek I saw)*
Not-so-fun Fact:
Greg Altman is even crazier playing darts than he is at hockey. Avoid a match at all costs!
* 95% of these fun facts are actual lies. 100% of the Not-so-fun facts so far have been true

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2012 Season Preview – Megatouch

Friday, March 16th, 2012

Color: Grey
Year Founded: 2002
2011 Regular Season Finish: 6-9-1 (3rd, MacNeil Division; 16th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Mega Touch in Round of 16
Conference: Kazin
Division: Glanzer
Team Song: “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” – Bobby McFerrin

Roster

Alex Eben Meyer
Andy Robertson
Brett Oppedisano
Eric Devlin
Jane Cramer
Joe Lops
Katie Hasty
Mark Anderson
Michael Tuckman
Nadya Salcedo
Rabi Whitaker
Scott Rosenthal
Julie Katz
Jonathan Hanson
Danny Canarick
Kristen Echemendia
Harvey Jaswal
Jennifer Nedbalsky
Adriano Bratta

Several years back, Alex Eben Meyer had a spiritual revelation. He no longer wanted to be “Bad”, he wanted to be “Mega”. That epiphany led not only to one of the league’s strangest cheers but also to a new sense of inner peace for Meyer. A calmness and tranquility that would extend to many on his team.

Indeed, when one thinks of Mega the term that comes to mind is chill.

Joe Lops – chill
Jane Cramer – chill
Team co-captain Julie “the Cat” Katz – chill (as long as she has candy)
Adriano “Pax Romana” Bratta – the spokesperson for chill
Harvey Jaswal – the exception that proves the rule

While emulating Deepak Chopra may bring you an enlightened life it’s not going to win you many hockey games (that only happens in The Love Guru). That’s why MT ended the regular season only one spot above the previous year’s finish. Between being mistakenly asked to perform Jewish weddings Rabi Whitaker explained the team’s philosophy. “Standings are so ephemeral,” he opined. “We don’t seek a winning season, just balance with the lifeforce that flows through us all.”

It all sounds good but the ORG is here to tell you it’s an elaborate scam designed to sell new age paperbacks and seven week self-help programs. Each member of MegaTouch is required to undergo “psychological testing” before joining the team and after acceptance a portion of their earnings are tithed. The recipient of these “team funds”? Twisted genius (and “co-captain”) Eric Devlin. Hiding behind his everyday guise as a mild-mannered toy designer, Devlin is secretly hatching a plan to recruit everyone in the league to the cult of MegaTouch and secure the coveted PBR can trophy for himself. He’s also covertly trained his Megatouch teammates to be ruthless when required.

Devlin’s long term strstegy was almost revealed when the Megas lost in a shootout in the playoffs to eventual champions Fresh Kills. But at the last minute Devlin decided that “the time is not yet right” and instructed his goalie to throw the game.

This year it’s a different story. Our source revealed that the MTs have decidedly different nicknames amongst their fellow teammates:

Joe Lops – known as “Lopper” for his desire to hack off opposing players limbs with his stick
Jane Cramer – her teammates call her “Creamer” referring to her propensity for throwing hip breaking checks
Team co-captain Julie Katz – earned the nickname “Katz’s Deli” for chewing up opposition defences like lunch meat
Adriano Bratta – “Big Brat” is known for his tantrums when no one passes him the ball
Harvey Jaswal – actually the nicest guy on the team

After two years of subtly dwelling near the bottom of the league in results, Devlin feels like he has lured us all in to a false sense of security. Look for 2012 to be the year when MegaTouch rips through the league and Devlin finally buys that Rolls-Royce that all cult leaders covet (rumor has it that Bratta has already promised him all our team fees plus the proceeds of Rachel Greene’s “charity tournament’).

Think we’re kidding? Trust us on this one. North American libel laws forbid us from posting it here but the ORG has seen video footage of the Touchers ritually burning photos of other BTSH teams on an altar while Devlin laughs maniacally and proclaims “All your balls belong to us.”

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Entity They Most Resemble According to Rich Glanzer

Entity: Jack and Diane

Last year Mega shocked the BTSH world by beating the Rehabs in a shootout. Then they took eventual champs Fresh Kills to a shootout, but the season ended when the ball hopped on Adriano Bratta on TSP’s rough surface. It has not been a great winter.

Jack and Diane (Megatouch Version:
A little ditty, about Adriano and Julie. Two Mega Touch kids, playing hockey in the Lower East Side.
 Adriano was gonna grow up and be a BTSH staaaaar, Julie knew with a little luck Mega could go far.
Drinkin’ a PBR inside Ace Baaaar
Julie is sitting on Adzo’s lap telling him he would have scored that shootout goal against Fresh Kills if the Parks Dept. would have re-tarred.
Adriano gets pissed and says are you gonna blame meeeeeee?
I’m the Commissioner of this league and can do what I please.
Julie says Oh yeah?? Fresh Kills moved onnnn. Long after our thrill of sending the Rehabs gone.
Adriano sits back and collects his thoughts for a moment. Scratches Brian Ferry’s beard and is about to be mean.
Says, well you know Julie I can win you the PBR Cuuuup. 
Julie kisses him softly, offers him a contract and says, Baby, its time to re-up.
Adriano laughs in her face and hits her overhead with a chaaaaaiiir. Takes off his Mega Touch shirt and is wearing a Lime Green jersey.
Says screw this shit trashes the bar and goes on an uncontrollable hizzy.
Oh yeah, Adriano’s gonna be an Elllllf!! Now maybe someone will score a goal for the Elves other than myself.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
However if Adriano doesn’t hit Julie over the head with a chair, and decides to stay with Mega, they should continue on the success of last season, and be a very tough out in the playoffs. But what are the odds of my ditty not happening???

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