btsh.org

Color: Maroon
Year Founded: 2010
2011 Regular Season Finish: 4-12-0-1(Last in Donohue Division; 19th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Happy Little Elves in opening round
Conference: Kazin
Division: Glanzer
Team Song: “The Internationale”

If preppy puck chasers Lbs. are the 1% of BTSH then Riots are the unwashed guy in the drum circle who’s still camping out in Zuccotti Park.

The 2010 Riots were a fresh new idea, dedicated to changing the game and achieving some pretty remarkable success in their debut year. At the start of last season, the question on everyone’s mind was whether a team who’s whole management structure was based on anarchy could sustain that level of success.

Unfortunately the answer was no.

Their main issue was attendance as the team splintered in to a series of micro-revolutionary cells. Patrick Blohme split his time between New York and Sweden, working on an elaborate plot to overthrow the tyrannical rule of King Carl Gustav. Meanwhile, Craig “Rocket Launcher” Thompson kept trying to prove that he was “Down with NDP” by spearheading several unsuccessful attempts to unionize the team (props to anyone who gets that Canadian left wing politics reference). And Scott Townsend, Philippe Tremblay-Berberi and Alex Frenette decided to form their own Bloc Quebecois and have the Riots secede from the rest of the league. For “First Among Equals” Amy Jones it was a trying time.

Learning from past mistakes, Jones has formed a coalition government backed by enforcers Patty Fernandez and Jaclyn Lee. As a result the Riots now look a lot like Italian politics, incapable of any real accomplishments but able to field competitive sports teams.

While some may mock their civic travails, a cohesive Riots squad could be one of the pleasant surprises of the year. Blohme and Frenette can be game changers combining a great mixture of speed and scoring ability, Townsend and Thompson are wily veterans who can play offense and defense and goalie Dave Gil De Rubio won a league championship with Fresh Kills not too long ago. The Riots also have one of the league’s stronger rosters of female players including the often overlooked Michelle Bressler.

Can Jones hold her tenuous coalition together long enough to see some results on the court? The key may be getting some early season victories before players are distracted by the upcoming national election ( Shane DeBlasio has already expressed interest in running as the Rent is Too Damn High” candidate for the Lower East Side). With some early W’s under their belt the team could return to inaugral season form. Otherwise, it’s going to be another year of (metaphorical) firehoses and pepper spray for the Maroon Marauders.

Entity: Brownie

We all love brownies. Who doesn’t love the sweet, warm, chewy sensation? But we all hate Michael Brown, or better known as, “You’re doing a hell-of-a-job Brownie.” Of course that’s the famous line that then President George W. Bush told FEMA director Michael Brown during the Hurricane Katrina disaster. In 2010, the Riots were like a Chocolate God. They ran through the regular season with little problems, before losing in the playoffs to some team that I don’t remember. (Which is odd bc I typically remember such things, but I’m thinking Fresh Kills.) But last year they were the bad Brownie. The type that watches people beg for their lives on roofs, and instead of climbing to save them, mugs for the camera.
The Riots performed better at the end of last season, and I expect them to find a middle ground this season.

Fun Fact: Michelle Bressler is a fine ref, a good hockey player, and was one of my MVP’s of reffing last year. But she’s not that great at Words with Friends though as I’ve yet to lose to her. Not once! Never by 100 points of course either.

Color: White
Year Founded: 2002
2011 Regular Season Finish: 11-5-0-1(2nd, Hackett Division; 4th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Dark Rainbows in round of 16
Conference: Tagliarano
Division: Brown
Team Song: “Ice, Ice, Baby” – Vanilla Ice

Roster

Sascha Owen (captain)
Fernando Limonic
Karen Erickson
Alexandra Chenitz
Anne Grady
Angela Upton
Brian Barrett
Dustin Shutes
Erica Lee
Jason Bogdaneris
Karsten Pichon
Ken Poulin
Lawrence Goldstein
Samuel Anthony
Sasha Lehman
Seth Wachtell (goalie)
Tommy Capatosta

Like their younger counterparts, the Butchers and Poutine Machine, Lbs. are showing admirable roster stability this year. But unlike those other teams, the Lbs. are not a lovable crew of misfits coming together to create something bigger than themselves. On the contrary, they’re more exclusive than Skull & Bones.

If this were The Mighty Ducks 3 they would be the Varsity Squad. If this was a John Hughes film, they’d have the James Spader role. If this was Titanic they’d be Billy Zane.

Yes, you can judge a book by it’s cover when it comes to this team.

And what message does white polo shirts with currency symbols send to you?

They are the 1%.

That doesn’t mean they haven’t earned their success. Classic couple, Karsten Pichon and Ken Poulin, the Brandon Walsh and Steve Sanders of BTSH remain a potent scoring threat, Sam Anthony is still one of the league’s most underrated defensemen (PR tip – speaking more than 10 words in a game may help you get more attention, Sam), and Seth Wachtell has proven that you don’t need to have blonde hair and blue eyes to become a BTSH ladies favorite (take that, Dan Owens).

But seriously guys, it’s 2012. Obama is President. Would it kill you to add a little more diversity to the lineup? It’s not just the color of your uniforms that’s seriously white. This team is the hockey equivalent of wonder bread and mayo and having Ken Poulin swear at referees in his incomprehensible French-Canadian dialect won’t convince anyone that you’re not waspier than Mitt Romney at the Westminister Dog Show.

Times are changing and a growing populist movement in BTSH may force this team to change as well. In the meantime, debuting those new platinum tipped stickblades is probably a bad idea, Sascha. Nobody want to see “Occupy Lbs.” become a thing.

Lbs. play in the highly competitive Brown Division and while they may not be fans of equality, every team in their group matches up nicely against them talentwise. For Lbs. to improve on last year’s stellar record, it’s going to be all about attendance in the key summer stretch. If Owen can get her team to take the early Jitney back from the Hamptons, Lbs. are the favorites to win their division. If not, expect them to play just well enough to avoid relegation to the decidedly more working class Larsen Division.

Either way, there’s no doubt that when the playoffs come, Lbs. will once again be a team that contends while generating next to no fan support from anyone not actually related to a team member.

While some may think they’re cruel, we need to remember what movies have taught us. Popular, good looking kids are only mean to other people because they have parents who ignore them or who have been married too many times. If you just give them a chance, they will turn in to good people and give you the money you need to save your grandmother’s house/restaurant/bakery/farm.

So if you really want to see “change you can believe in” for BTSH, don’t just sign one of the many petitions Greg Allman is planning on circulating this year.

Hug a Lb.

Entity They Most Resemble According to Rich Glanzer

Entity: Donald Trump

Color: Electric Burgundy & Blue
Year Founded: 2010
2011 Regular Season Finish: 9-7-1 (3rd, Donohue Division; 11th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to What the Puck in Semi-Finals
Conference: Kazin
Division: Larsen
Team Song: “Mr. Roboto” – Styx

Roster

Ben Bloom
Arthur Revechkis
Beth Bruder
Gary Cohen
Mike Mincieli
Rachel Greene
Jesse Kalb
Amanda Jenkins
Jeff Hawkins
Arnold Sanchez
Eric Ramirez
Randy Locklair
David Rogovic
Chris DiMotta
Ashley McMasters
Aynsley Kirshenbaum
Georgine Paulin
Ellen Marth

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result then the Butchers are insane. Their 2012 lineup looks a lot like their 2011 lineup. Sure Ben may have a few more tattoos and Rachel is now a Connecticut housewife (her lemon squares are delicious) but not much else has changed. So what would make us think that they wouldn’t do what they always do – break the hearts of Poutine Machine and then bomb out in the next round of the playoffs?

The answer is advanced technology.

The Butchers are now more machine than man and like the inevitable rise of the Terminators, they’re poised to crush the skulls of an unsuspecting BTSH beneath their robotic feet.

It starts with the return of Ashley “Trashley” McMasters, the rookie phenom who was so sorely missed by the Meat Puppets last year. As a show of her long term commitment to the team, Ashley has agreed to have at least one leg replaced with a bionic duplicate. She won’t tell us which one but if you hear a “clang” the next time your stick makes contact with her lower body, it’s not because you’re rocking a vintage ‘98 Gretzky Aluminum model. You’ve discovered her secret (and possibly the only means of defeating her).

Not to be outdone, teammate and aging George Clooney impersonator Chris DiMotta underwent his own surgical upgrade. Taking a page out of the X-Men movies, he has had his spine replaced with unbreakable adamantium, just like his hero, Wolverine. We can neither deny or confirm that he has been seen getting in to late night barfights on Avenue A after telling patrons, “I’m the best there is at what I do. And what I do is play hockey.”

Not all the Butchers have gone for the “Real Steel” approach though.

Arthur “Drago” Revechkis led a delegation that included Beth Bruder, Jeff Hawkins, Arnold Sanchez and Ellen Marth on an excursion to his Russian hometown, which is known only by it’s designation “Soviet Science City One”. There the group was subjected to a grueling regimen of steroids, radiation treatments and repeated viewings of Paul Henderson’s 1972 game winning goal. They returned to the States no longer able to feel pain, fear or any human emotion (except for desire for the aforementioned Rachel Greene lemon squares). It’s rumored that Russian President for Life Vladmir Putin  plans to use the same treatment on perennial underachiever Alex Ovechkin once it’s effectiveness has been proven in our sleepy little street hockey league.

The only Butcher who can be thought of as even remotely human (or as human as you can remain and still be a Corcoran VP) is league sweetheart Georgine Paulin. When asked how she thought the team might fare this year her response was “Are we in the same division? I don’t know, ok I guess. Isn’t this a question for Ben?”

The Org would probably say yes but we’re too scared to look in to Bloom’s soulless eyes.

So what are the keys to victory for any team looking to take down the Butchers? Hockey observers say shutting down perennial scoring machines Revechkis and Bloom, getting traffic in front of goalie Eric Ramirez and watching out for Hawk’s laser accurate shots on goal. But Org favorite Bill Nye gave us another answer “An electro-magnetic pulse should do the trick. Or really any sort of strong magnet.”

Smart Butchers opponents should probably employ a combination of both strategies.

And while you’re at it, throwing a few lemon squares on the court couldn’t hurt.

Entity They Resemble Most (according to Rich Glanzer)

Mark Sanchez:
The Jets third year QB has sure had his ups and downs. The first two years he barely made the playoffs, but then made two straight runs to the AFC Championship Game (or the semi-finals), but couldn’t quite make it to the Super Bowl.

Similarly, the Butchers aren’t the best regular season team, but come playoff time, they are one tough out. In 2010 they upset the Rehabs and Demons before losing to the Hookers and last season they again made the semi’s before losing to WTP.

Spoiler Alert, but I see the Sanchez similarities ending here. Sanchez had a miserable third year, and missed the playoffs. Word on the street is even though the Butcher’s are a little strapped financially, Rachel Greene has enough left over from last year’s “charity” tournament to dip into, to secure league payment and thus make the playoffs.

Expect an improved regular season from the Butchers. If you get to the semi-finals two years in a row, you’re good enough to win it all. While I don’t think that’s a likely scenario, it wouldn’t shock the bejesus out of me like it would if Elly got contact lenses.

Fun Fact: In Rachel Greene’s “charity” tournament, for some reason I was stripped of my championship, yet Suvin and Hidden Heel Joe P. weren’t (we were all on a different team at the start of the tournament, before switching to the winning team). An investigation is pending. Word on the street is Joe P. got to keep his title because Rachel was sympathetic because he hurt his pinkie.

Fun Fact 2: Ashley M. has never beaten me in a race, or at gmail chat, always losing to the arrow. <——————————–

Color: Blue & White
Year Founded: 2010
2011 Regular Season Finish: 11-3-1-2 (1st, Macneil Division; 2nd overall)

2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Butchers in Quarter-finals

Conference: Kazin
Division: Larsen
Team Song: Never Surrender – Corey Hart

Roster

Andrew Therriault
Ashish Nagpal
Brodie St. John
Chelsea Hicks
Claire Weingarten
Dave Kucharsky
Dave Paglia (A)
Hilary Keller
Carly Czuba

Joann Provencher

Kara Asuncion
Kevin Macdonald (A)
Marcus Bonnee
Mike Haas
Natalie Oshin
Patrick Larsen (C)
Salman Haq
Tracy Ng
Vincent Tracy
Whitney Garrabant
Tim Brown (G)

By ORG Special Correspondent Rich Glanzer

Its year three of Poutine Machine and everyone is asking what’s going to happen, when people stop being polite… and start getting real. After dominating the old MacNeil Division (bottom) Poutine is moving on up to the old Complai…I mean Hackett Division.