btsh.org

Color: Pink
Year Founded: 2004
2011 Regular Season Finish: 9-7-0 (5th, Hackett Division; 12th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Sky Fighters in round of 16
Conference: Kazin
Division: Larsen
Team Song: Hair

Roster

abigail meisterman
brad thomason
corinne rosen
danny polinsky
david bernstein
Dez P
john neilsen
emily carson
jason hasday
jennie brown
jim dandeneau
josh wilson
jon rudd
megan lohne
meredith hasday
miles hunter
mike dudelovitch
sandy batista
showtime
sean reynolds

Remember the ‘94 Stanley Cup winning New York Rangers? Remember how they looked a lot like the Edmonton Oilers’ teams of the ‘80s. The 2012 version of the Dark Rainbows may have you doing a similar double take.
Sean Reynolds, has indeed, gone all Neil Smith on our collective asses.

We never thought we’d be comparing the 2005-2011 Demons to Gretzky and co. But then again, we never thought we would see a Dark Rainbows roster that looked like this.

Sure we could accept the defections of Abby “Dudemeister” Meisterman and Danny “Stripes” Polinsky. They’re the “nice Demons”. But “Dandy” Jim Dandenau? $howti3e? Reynolds’ embrace of the dark side of BTSH has many Rainbow followers wondering WWJD?

No point asking though. He’s retired along with Shortbus, John Meyer and most of the other traditional members of the Rainbow connection. The powerhouse Rainbows team that upset the Hookers and won the league championship a few years ago seems as distant a memory as the “Summer of Love”. You can almost hear the Byrds “To Everything There is a Season (turn, turn, turn)” playing in the background.

The ORG would have been fine with all this except for our concern that this also means the retirement of Rainbows uberfan, Violet. We’ve all watched that little girl grow up and if her parents think they can just take her away from us then they’re sadly mistaken. As Sarah Coombs wrote in her seminal childcare book “IT TAKES A HOCKEY LEAGUE”, being around sweaty, hungover weekend athletes is essential to every child’s proper development.

At least, not everything has changed. The core talent that once made the Rainbows among the league’s most feared franchises remains. Josh, Sean and Gingerballs can bring it. And John “Gamechanger” Neilsen remains the most underrated player in the league (trust us, other players would be totally scared of him if they knew who he was). We know they’ll do their best to carry on the proud tradition of the team in pink.

For the new look Rainbows the keyword is this:

CHEMISTRY.

Can Reynolds mold these disparate pieces in to a coherent whole? Will he even try?

If the answer is yes, then a full spectrum of talent could emerge to dominate their division.

If not, the 2012 Rainbows could end up resembling my youthful attempts at mixing together everything in my parents liquor cabinet – tough to look at and liable to make you vomit.

On a serious note, the ORG wants to commend Sean on making sure that one of the league’s classic franchises survives to play another year. It wouldn’t be BTSH without our beloved hippies and win, lose or draw we hope that they’ll be bringing their unique mix of “peace, love and hockey” to the courts for many seasons to come.

Entity They Most Resemble (according to Rich Glanzer)

Entity: NYC Homeless Soccer Team

Color: Electric Blue & Yellow (Leap Day colors!)
Year Founded: 2001
2011 Regular Season Finish: 5-12-0 (4th, Hackett Division; 18th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Corlears Hookers in Round of 16
Conference: Kazin
Division: Glanzer
Team Song: “Wonderful Tonight” – Eric Clapton

Roster

Amy Barrett (A)
Courtney Butler
Zoya Craig
Charles DeFranco
Alex Derhohannesian (AA)
Phil Donohue (C)
Nick Gardella
Jen Harlan
Craig LaCombe (G)
Nicole Lanctot
Sarah Moore
Caroline Morrisey-Bickerton
Alex Owen
Zack Papper
Joe Polowczuk
Peter Prohaska

Mike Ross

Annika

Zach Weiner (A)

LOVE.

It’s what the 2012 Anklebiters are all about.

Now, the.Org hears your derisive laughter and snide comments:

“Yes, the Anklebiters LOVE beer.”
“Phil Donohue sure LOVEs the Johnsons.”
“When I think of the face of LOVE, it’s Jeremy Schumacher.”

Mock all you will. But while you were spending your off-season working on conditioning and stickhandling, the Hockey Hounds employed a different strategy. They all got hitched (or at least engaged, often to each other. Phil & Amy, Zack & Jen, moustache Zach, Pete. The trend became so popular even Anklebiter alumni were getting in on the act (congrats Guvs & Sascha). All that conjugal bliss is just a by product of the newfound maturity of what is now a veteran GAB lineup.

Yes, the the team that once had “Hook up at the Johnsons” as the first page of their playbook has grown up and settled down (at least a little bit). And while we all might make fun of these former gadabouts, there’s no question that they’re one of the closest teams in BTSH. From bowling & broomball to holiday and house parties, the Anklebiters are constanly hanging out together. In short, they’re a family.

But team captain Phil Donohue has taught enough high school science classes to recognize the biggest threat to any tight family unit.

INBREEDING.

In an effort to keep hemophilia out of the Pooches’ bloodline (and maybe improve their record), Phil and co. opened the Anklebiters’ hearts to three refugees from the Fairy Tale Kingdom. Thanks to their warm hearts and seemingly endless roster spots, Craig LaCombe, Courtney Butler and Joe Polowczuk are now part of the Canine Crew.

That’s right, the three players who put the “Cor” in “Unicorns” are now Puck Puppies and as a result, GAB’s lineup looks radically different.

GAB’s former goalie, Mike O’Connor was one of the most underrated goalies in the league. But his inconsistent attendance often left Donahue and Co. struggling between the pipes. In BTSH, they have an industry vet and top 5 goaltender, the Dominik Hasek of BTSH netkeepers. Donohue’s Dogs are hoping that he’s more Red Wings era Dominator than Senators era Hasek but there’s no doubt, LlaCombe will be coming ready to play. Plus he just got married too so he fits in well with the Dogs paired up locker room.

CoCo is another skilled performer and steadying influence. She’s elusive on the court and should be able to fill a mentorship role for any of her teammates who are still uncomfortable in their newfound positions as responsible adults.

And Joe P. provides the first legitimate scoring threat for the Blue and Yellow since Eric DiPieri first got kicked out of a game for ref abuse.

Donohue may have already won GM of the year for picking up these players while keeping the rest of his lineup intact. GAB has always been an extremely capable foe but with these upgrades Phil may have turned his team from an “Any Given Sunday” franchise to a “Gunning for You This Sunday” juggernaut. If nothing else, there will be three more players who can finish off the extra shots at the bar.

So remember BTSHers, the next time Amy Barrett laughs in your face or Zack Weiner twirls his moustache at you, they’re not doing it with malice.

They’re doing it out of LOVE.

Don’t you just hate them already?

Entity They Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)

Tony Soprano can suck it. Johnny Dangerously was the best Mob Boss of all time. The GAB declared Fargin War on all of us by picking up Craig, Coco and Joe P. While I have nothing good to say about Craig except no good set of balls ever get past him, and nothing bad to say about Coco, I am mixed with Joe P. On one hand, he’s a great player and a really good teammate. But on the other hand, much like Johnny Dangerously’s notoriously sick mother, Joe lands on the injured report. A lot. When asked about Joe P., Jo-Ann Provencher says, ” Joe P. est plus doux que le papier hygiénique Charmin. Mec a toujours blessés. ”

Still … this Hidden Heel will bring a few more W’s to the GAB. As someone with an 0-3 career mark vs. the Anklebiters, I think this team just got a whole lot better. Both in the courts, and at the bar.

Fun fact: Caroline Morrisey-Bickerton has never beaten me at Skee*T*ball or scored a goal against me in broomball. True story.

Color: Electric Lime/Neon Green/that godawful color Filthy Gorgeous used to wear
Year Founded: 2008
2011 Regular Season Finish: 7-7-1-2 (3rd, Hackett Division; 8th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Fresh Kills in the Semi-Finals
Conference: Tagliarano
Division: Bratta
Team Song: “We Represent the Lollipop Guild”

2012 ROSTER

Rich Glanzer (C)

Ben Chadwick (C)

Jenna Cruff (C)

Chris Adrahtas (sub)
Trevor Beauclair
Melissa Budnick
Garrett “Ax” Carrino
Adela Heel Jr.
Shaun deLacy
Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri (sub)
Rob “Smash” Muggeo
Ryan Nakahara
Melanie Pessin
Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos
Shoshana Rudnick (sub)
Sarah “T-Bone” Torneten
Gil Valdez

(New Additions)
Rob Walsh
Luisa Mirarchi
Shannon Schneeman
Dan Brown
The Great Gazoo
Uncle NED

With both the Rainbows and the Unicorns going through major roster changes, you might think that the Elves would be the most drama-free of the three Fairy Tale Cup contenders. If so, you would be horribly, terribly wrong. This is a Rich Glanzer captained team, after all. And the man who is so competitive, he posts his WORDS WITH FRIENDS bingoes on Facebook isn’t going to let anyone grab the spotlight away from him.

Glanzer fought off an early challenge when team co-captain Ben “the Barbarian” Chadwick and Jerome “Almost Asian” Ramos temporarily defected to Poutine Machine’s ice hockey division. Worried that the taste of cheese curds and gravy might be more appealing to them than the Elves stable of Keebler treats, Glanzer doubled down. First he added co-captain to Jenna Cruff’s existing titles of “Team Sweetheart” and “Most “Likely to Report Her Own Captain to the Disciplinary Committee”. Then he made Chadwick and Ramos offers they couldn’t refuse, awarding them both multi-year contracts that would make Rick DiPietro blush. Industry analysts can’t say for sure if there will be a BTSH in 2042, but if there is, Ben and Jerome will still be wearing neon green.

With locker room leadership settled and threats of betrayal squelched, Rich then proceeded to his next 24/Jack Bauer-like management move: increasing the Elves fear and intimidation factor. Towards that end, he signed one of the league’s most feared players, Luisa “Gilly” Mirarchi, whose combination of skill, aggressiveness and utter unpredictability has led more than one player to pronounce “That girl’s crazy!”. For the icing on the cake he continues to hold the rights to Eric “Ogglethorpe” DiPierri, who may return from the Oklahoma leagues when least expected to give $h0wt!me a run for the money in terms of most teams ever played for in BTSH.

We’d add more about other new signings Rob Walsh, Shannon Schneeman and Dan Brown but to be honest, THE ORG isn’t really sure who these people are.

Instead, we’ll address the final two additions to the 2012 Elves roster. Adding fictional players may be a good tactic for defending the Fairy Tale Cup Championship, but we predict these signings will backfire on Glanzer. The Great Gazoo has the kind of personality that is poison in the locker room and Uncle Nedi’s well publicized battles with alcoholism may not be behind him yet.

Our predictions for HLE 2012?

1) Trevor and Gil will score.
2) Rich will comment a lot on the website (and this post).
3) Sarah, Melissa and Melanie will continue to wonder how they ended up on this team in the first place.

In other words, business as usual.

PS: Rich insisted that he receive credit for submitting his team roster first, even though Gouging Anklebiter’s captain Phil Donahue actually beat him to the punch. Make of that what you will.

Entity They Most Resemble (according to Rich Glanzer)

Jenna Cruff. I don’t need a celebrity to compare who the Elves resemble. Jenna is our new captain, and for all those teams that think, “Man, I’d like to get her to play on my team.” Suck it. Not happening. Jenna’s an Elf 4 Life. Now if anyone is interested in Gil….I’m entertaining offers.