Archive for the ‘general interest’ Category
An Offseason Message From The Media
Tuesday, February 16th, 2010This Is The Only Performance Enhancer Adriano Needs
With the 2010 season rapidly approaching, we (the BTSH media) would like to provide you, the loyal reader, with a quick update of what’s on tap for the upcoming season. After all, it has been a while since we have posted anything new, and we are getting eager to start playing. Thus, this update has absolutely nothing to do with the increasingly high volume of complaints regarding Dr. Byron Clavicle’s guest column still being the lead post on the website.
First, congratulations to BTSH’s new league manager Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta and new DC Manager Haanwa Chau on their recent election to two of the league’s highest posts. Although we have high expectations for both officials, we do hope that Haanwa is up to the task, as she has some very big shoes to fill.
Second, we would like to remind everyone to check the website frequently in advance of the 2010 season. We plan on several posts prior to Opening Day, including our annual individual team previews, which are appearing for the third consecutive season. Additionally, due to the retirement of Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher and the Schuietron 3000, we will be assuming the creation of the 2010 season schedule. To build anticipation, we will release parts of the schedule prior to the entire season docket, beginning with Opening Weekend and Hockey Night in Tompkins.
Finally, we are looking for a few correspondents to assist us in our duties. If you are interested in helping us gather scoring information or writing game previews, or if you have your own idea for a weekly segment in the News and Notes post, please do not hesitate to let us know.
Your Humble Correspondents,
Eli Kazin & Derek Tagliarino
Guest Columnist: Dr. Byron Clavicle
Sunday, November 29th, 2009The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Dr. Byron Clavicle.
Pleasant Memories of Street Hockey Moments That Never Were
As a board-certified neurosurgical cosmetologist, I’m often asked by BTSH players to modify their cerebral cortices to create memories of events that never actually transpired. For example, a certain What The Puck player whiffed on what would have been a game-winning goal in the championship. Haunted by this recollection, he would naturally prefer to remember scoring the goal. A certain Mathematics player requested I replace all memories of his team’s last season with memories of playing viola for the Kirov Ballet orchestra in last year’s world tour. A certain Happy Little Elves assistant captain wished to have his brain wiped clean and replaced with the late Wilt Chamberlain’s. Two of these players even shaved their heads in preparation!
Sadly, none of these requests are covered by any insurance policies that I am aware of, and the multi-trillion dollar cost of the procedure can be daunting for some. But I have come up with a far cheaper alternative that may alleviate this psychic discomfort, allowing second-rate players to imagine themselves as street hockey superstars, instead of as infantile mush-heads growing increasingly torpid and lazy-lidded while shovelling one Cheeto after another into their drooling gullets and reading some half-baked off-season filler on a sub-par sports blog.
So, feel free to augment your mediocre memories with these fictive fantasies.
Thank You
Sunday, November 8th, 2009Dear Readers,
With another BTSH season in the record books, we would like to take one last opportunity to thank you for your loyal and devoted support. We have really enjoyed providing you with our special blend of hockey insight, humor, and information each week (we call it “hockhumtion”), and look forward to doing it again next season.
This first season at Tompkins Square Park was a banner year for BTSH. Although the league saw a lot of changes, we both feel the move from Corlears was for the better. We have many fond memories of the past season and here are a few of our favorites:
- “rain fears”
- The Big Sexy Tour 2009
- Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer’s wish list
- any time Susannah ate something
- Rubens Rock
- Hockey Night in Tompkins
In addition, we would especially like to thank the following for taking our many jokes in good stride despite being the butt of most of them:
- Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens
- Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher
- Filthy Gorgeous’ retro lime green jerseys
- Ben Chadwick, Rich Glanzer, and the Happy Little Elves
- team cancer Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri
- Tuques hockey.
- Joe Lops
- Bob “Olmec” Weyersberg
As a token of our appreciation, we would like to leave you with this final gift:
Your humble correspondents,
Eli Kazin &
Derek Tagliarino
Photo of the Week
Tuesday, October 20th, 2009The Big Sexy Tour Continues
“Oh crap! How am I going to get down?”
Guest Columnist: Rich Glanzer
Monday, October 12th, 2009The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Rich Glanzer.
As the winner of Survivor 2, I am entrusted to write an article. My initial plan was to write a 1,000 word soliloquy about why I hate Derek and Eli. 498 words were going to be devoted to Derek, 502 to Eli. But my therapist (Abby from the Demons) says I should be nice and talk about what I love about BTSH…or just ream the Rehabs.*
So I’ve decided to take Abby’s initial advice and give props to why I drive 1 hour and 20 minutes each way from Ronkonkoma to play in this league. Here is what makes the league so fun for me to play in.**
