Archive for the ‘League Notes’ Category
Week 13 News and Notes
Tuesday, July 29th, 2008Oh No! Not Another Clip Post!
Top Ten Storylines From The First Half Of The Season
10. A BIG NAME CHANGE. Unhappy with his original nickname of “Tiny”, Kevin Foster of Fresh Kills petitioned the media for something new, claiming (in somewhat of a non-sequitur) that he’s “really just a sensitive guy.” After hours of intensive research and brainstorming, the media officially decreed Kevin’s new nickname to be “The Planet“, due to his all-world talent. The Planet is extremely satisfied with the change.
9. ANOTHER DUTCH. The media is happy to announce that there is yet another Dutch in the annals of BTSH. Congratulations to Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney on the birth of his daughter, “Dutch’s Niece“.
8. NEW TEAM IN BTSH. After an impressive victory in their inaugural game, the Happy Little Elves seemed destined to make a big splash in BTSH this season. Unfortunately, despite the accolades by the media and their peers after the first weekend, they have yet to win a game since. In addition, to add insult to injury, an anonymous member of Filthy Gorgeous is quick to comment on their new uniforms: “That’s the same color we had in 2006. Then we realized it was really ugly.”
7. TWO MAD DOGS? It’s no secret that everyone wants to be like What The Puck, but few teams actually succeed in doing it. The Mathematics, however, found a way. In what may be the best league prank of the season, several Mathematics dressed like the iconic team in orange. Humorously, one unnamed What The Puck member actually thought the Mathematics were her real teammates and sat with them prior to the game…no one had the heart to tell her the truth.
6. MIGHTY SQUIRRELS FIND A NUT. After finishing in fourteenth place last season, Mighty Squirrels captain Rachel “A-Korn” Greene knew she had to make some adjustments. This season, with a new found all-star goalie and Greene’s patented “fundamentals first” style of play, the Squirrels find themselves nestled snugly in the top tier of the standings. Now, if the Squirrels can just find a way out of Tim “(S)crappy” Gray’s seven year contract, they’d be golden.
Week 12 News and Notes
Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008Wait A Minute! That Sky Fighter Isn’t Martin!
Those From Staten Island Were Sent Home
This year’s All-Star Game deviated from BTSH’s traditional random division of teams by splitting players based on their current residence. With the battle line of the East River clearly drawn, a new rivalry of Brooklyn and Queens versus Manhattan and Jersey began. However, it should quickly be noted that the Manhattan/Jersey alliance is tenuous at best. The game commenced with the East taking an early lead on a goal by Eric Devlin of Bad Touch. Unfortunately, much like a real Bad Touch game, this would prove to be his side’s only goal. Towards the end of the first half, the West struck for three quick goals, scored by Derek Tagliarino (Mathematics), Matt Workman (Filthy Gorgeous), and Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer (What The Puck). A late second half goal by the West’s Micael Holmstrom (Denim Demons) iced the 4-1 victory.
Although the West won bragging rights until next season’s contest, the game’s outcome was not the only story of the day. While his team came up short, East co-coach Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens intimidated his opposition, sporting a purple blazer, a fedora, a pair of sunglasses, a yellow legal pad, and an “I Love Brooklyn” t-shirt. West co-coach Rachel “A-Korn” Greene had a beer and a cigarette. Other highlights include a failed attempt at multi-ball by Mexican Standoff, a Rehabs bum rush on Craig “Ug” LaCombe, and referee Sven Larsen getting hit in the testicular region by a ball.
With his team’s loss, Rubens remained true to his word, and the entire East team was forced to swim home to Brooklyn.
All Star Teams Announced!
Wednesday, July 16th, 2008Come For The All-Stars, Stay For Adam Rubens
Your long weeks of speculation and anticipation are finally over. Although Paul “Ashy Larry” Vernon of Filthy Gorgeous will not be an all-star this year due to educational commitments, this year’s field of competitors is still extremely talented. In addition, this year will mark the beginning (hopefully) of a new rivalry, as the players who live on the East bank of the East River will be pitted against those on the West bank. Without further ado, here are your 2008 BTSH All-Stars (after the jump):
Week 11 News and Notes
Tuesday, July 15th, 2008What The Hell Is Andrea Doing On the Left Side?
Jim Dandeneau Didn’t Even Get The Chance To Be Booed Off The Stage
This year’s Sharif Corinaldi Hot Legs Competition featured the largest entrant pool in the event’s short history. Without previous champions, Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi and Minkus competing, there was no clear favorite among the pack. However, despite the plethora of particpants, the contest quickly whittled down to three finalists: Jason “The Hamburglar” Rosenstock (Mexican Standoff), James Townsend-Butterworth (Sky Fighters), and Ali Chenitz (LBS, Inc.). As clothes continued to be shed, and beer continued to be poured, one competitor rose above the others. Rosenstock recognized his boyhood dream, as he was declared the winner by the boisterous crowd. As per tradition, bartender Brent Smith “presented” Rosenstock with a victory cupcake.
Week 10 News and Notes
Tuesday, July 1st, 2008If You Were On LBS, You’d Be Smiling Too
LBS Goes Corporate
When you’re an elite conglomerate like LBS is, simply being called a “team” is not enough. LBS is far more than a loose a collection of hipsters who get together on Sundays like the rest of BTSH. Instead, their ranks include stock brokers, government officials, and other community leaders who you aspire to be. As such, the board of directors of LBS has declared that–effectively immediately–you must now refer to them as LBS, Inc. Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin explains, “We’re more than just a team. We’re a brand…a brand that people widely recognize as the gold standard of BTSH. Kind of like Mr. Clean.” As a result of this change in marketing direction, captain Sascha Puritz shall now be known as the CEO, Karsten Pichon shall be the CFO, Molly Jacobs shall be the Vice President of West Coast Operations, and Sam Anthony shall be the Director of Investor Relations. Seth Wachtell has been reassigned to the mail room.
