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Most of you have probably already seen this footage of Gregory Campbell killing off a penalty while skating on a broken leg:

It actually started a meme on Twitter #iamgregorycampbell where people at first seriously (and then comically) described their own struggles/courage in the face of adversity. My favorite was the Dallas Stars tweeting “Had Sean Avery on our team #iamgregorycampbell”.

So the ORG’s crack reporting team got to talking and wondering who on BTSH might deserve that hallowed hashtag. Our initial thought was to give it to anyone who’s ever written for the ORG, been league commissioner or shared a long car ride with Suz. But then author provocateur Ben “the American Zdeno Chara” Chadwick threw down the gauntlet and told us all to get a bit more creative.

And no one picked it up with more gusto than our own Abby Meisterman. Herewith, for your reading pleasure, BTSH’s first ever “tweetalogue”:

Cobra Kai at Fresh Kills
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Abby “Pushing the Boundaries” Meisterman

Scott Lee @hairlesscat

@SokolOne What time is the game this week? And v. who?

Dave Sokol @SokolOne

@hairlesscat We have the late game, 5:30, vs. CobraKai.

Kevin F@ThatsNoMoon

@hairlesscat @SokolOne CobraKai? I give those guys major credit. Goalie’s an angry dude.

Jerry Chavez @GoHawks

@ThatsNoMoon @SokolOne It’s true; we are long suffering. #iamgregorycampbell

Pete Lang @SIbikedude

@GoHawks @ThatsNoMoon Hey now! I’m right here. You guys should feel bad, you’ve a sucky “Bond” on your team.

Kevin F @ThatsNoMoon

@SIbikedude You’re thinking of Roger Moore; our guy is Patrick Moore, @btsh008

Pete Lang @SIbikedude

@ThatsNoMoon Wait? Then who’s your goalie?

Kevin F @ThatsNoMoon

@SIbikedude That’s Patrick Barch, @BarchBeer. How long have you been in this league!?

Jerry Chavez @GoHawks

@ThatsNoMoon See what I mean? #iamgregorycampbell

Claire Friedman @NJDevilsgurl

@PearDream We’re on a team with these guys?

Becky Pear @PearDream

@NJDevilsgurl ‘Fraid so. It boggles the mind. #iamgregorycampbell

Mike Sokol @SokolTwo

@PearDream @ NJDevilsgurl You know nothing, Jon Snow. Trying having your brother as captain. #iamgregorycampbell

Alice Bertoni @ItsAleechayDammit

@SokolOne So, wait… What time’s the game?

Corlears Hookers at Butchers
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

Even after all these years, Dustin refuses to block Peter Putka’s email account. #iamgregorycampbell
Ben Bloom puts up with Arthur Revechkis’ off key rendition of “Don’t Fear the Reaper” every time Ben scores a goal #iamgregorycampbell

The Hookers aren’t looking quite as unbeatable as they were early in the season and the Butchers are one of those teams that’s always good for an upset pick. However, both teams start to struggle with attendance between Memorial Day and Labor Day weekend. If it’s six Hookers against ten Butchers bet on the Misfits.

La Famiglia at Lbs. 
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

One of our earliest memories of the league is Ant Ventolieri taking one for his team. For you newbies, Pork Fried Rice was the first of the BTSH “superteams” (modern equivalent-Corlears Hookers or Fresh Kills), an all-star team constantly supplemented by players from other teams or leagues. Universally despised by the rest of the league, they won the championship in 2005. Ant selflessly steered attention away from his teammates by bum rushing the stage at the end of season party and encouraging the crowd to yell “asshole” for over ten minutes. He’s also a Bruins fan so this will have special meaning for him. Ant = #iamgregorycampbell

There are a lot of different candidates for Lbs. but none have shown the courage of Dustin Shutes. He’s had that same hairstyle since 1982. #iamgregorycampbell

LBS are steamrolling everyone right now and don’t expect that to stop this week. 3-1 for the Preppie Puckhandlers.

Happy Little Elves at Skyfighters
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

No matter who we pick on the Elves, Glanzer is going to disagree with us. So f**k it. We’re giving this one to Sarah Torenten. Sarah suffered through weeks of the standings page being messed up and even though she was dying inside she never complained publicly (unless you count the Elves Facebook page as a public forum). Sarah Torenten=#iamgregorycampbell.

James Stein singlehandedly revived the Molly Jacobs tradition of courtside vomiting. #iamgregorycampbell

We’re going with our traditional pick of Elves in a shootout (since we’re assuming that 85 degree heat will cause Rammstein to throw up in his mouth a little).

Denim Demons at Mathematics
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Rich “My Posts Gets More Obscure Every Week” Glanzer

Before we get to the theme lets get to the hockey. Both the Demons and Math are coming off incredibly uninspiring efforts, though Math was able to pull out a win vs. Scott Lee and his Riots. Meanwhile, the Demons got thumped by the Lbs. I still don’t know how y’all let these guys who make Kevin Foster look as young as Sean McClain win the championship last season. I mean I know Karstan is deadly with his cane but still. (Ken Poulin, I joke, I know you guys are good. I got your emails, texts and Myspace messages telling me that you’re good. Here is Ken’s Myspace page. )

I feel like there are more mothers — figuratively and literally — on Filthy Gorgeous than there are fathers. Matt Novick is definitely a father, this is certain. But Sunny? JJ? Joe? Jeremiah? Another J name? I haven’t the foggiest idea. They wisely keep out of the eye of the media, these guys. The title of “Team Dad” defaults to to Novick in this case. However, I’d like to think that in some ways captain Monica Russo is really both mother and father to this team. She definitely gave birth to this team in some sort of immaculate conception so… Filthy Gorgeous is in need of a win (1-1-4 is pretty surprising for them), as is Poutine Machine (1-0-5), but I feel like the dirty ones want it more.

Gouging Anklebiters at Happy Little Elves,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Bill “What’s Going On Here?” Tucker and Patrick “I Screwed Up and Told You to Write About Last Week’s Game So I’m Breaking Your Biters-LBS. Preview in to Two Parts” Larsen

Bill – Expectant co-captains Amy and Phil Donohue aside, the Biters aren’t quite the familial type.  Instead, they are the fathers of fun.  So much so, select members of the Blue and Gold formed D.A.D.D. (Dudes/Dudettes Against Drunken Douchebaggery) over the three week break.  Founded on the premise of good times without ego, the group works to educate BTSH bar-goers on the art of tipping back a High Life and getting over yourself.  If you have friends who wear too much Ed Hardy, listen to Nickelback and say things like, “Cool Story, Bro”, advise them to seek treatment immediately.  It’s not too late.  If not, expect Caroline to chase them around Ace Bar brandishing a broken broom handle ala Jeff Garlin in Daddy Day Camp.  You’ve been forewarned.

Patrick – I want to go for the easy pick here and give the title of HLE team Dad to Gil Valdez. Why? Not because his son actually plays on the Elves. No it’s because decades of watching the Simpsons have taught me that “Old Gil really needs this.” Unfortunately for Gil, those years of experience have taught me that there’s only clear choice for the title. This clip of Rich Glanzer at work shows that there really is only one father figure  for the team in green. Stay golden, Angry Dad!

Game Prediction – Let’s go out on a limb and say the Elves win this one in a shootout.

Mega Touch at Gremlins,
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

When we started this game of “Who’s Your Daddy?”, we didn’t expect this round to be so tough. Of course, Julie Katz is Mega’s team mom, doling out candy and kind words to her colorful cast of hockey monkeys. If there was daycare for street hockey players, she would probably run it. So that makes Adriano the team dad right? We wish we could say yes, but “Andiamo” has always given off more of a big brother vibe. Maybe it’s because our dads didn’t say, “F**k it, I don’t really care. I’m out of here in a few weeks anyway” a lot. or if they did say it, they didn’t come back every week afterwards.

So how we decide this vital question. If we went by seniority Alex Eben Meyer would have to be the early favorite for team dad. But “Stripes” also gives off that favorite uncle vibe. We just can’t see him grounding anybody or scaring off a potential boyfriend. On the other hand, Eric Devlin fits that role perfectly. Who can’t see “Biz Dev” yelling at kids to stay out of his yard or telling scrapping siblings to knock it off? It may have been a few weeks since we played but we’re pretty sure that actually happened in Week 6. So congrats, Eric. You’ve earned your pater families status.

Y’know, it actually wasn’t that long ago that we would be hard pressed to find any examples of team dads in this league. In those swinging singles days, only Violet aka “the Rainbows’ baby” represented BTSH family values. The rest of the league? Definitely more REAL WORLD than MODERN FAMILY. The Grems are a throwback to those days, with no obvious father figure. Heck, Ryan is such a laid back Captain that he has to keep reminding the refs that he’s actually wearing the “C”. So how do we pick a dad for the Notorious Gs? Guess we’ll have to go with the guy most likely to embarrass the younger female players on the team when they’re talking to their friends. We’re looking at you Iannis! Probably shouldn’t have talked about how you discovered “sexting” quite so often.

Game prediction: Stern Dad beats Eugene Levy type Dad 3-2 (SO)

Skyfighters at Dark Rainbows,
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East

No discussion here. In the Fighters family structure, Martin Cejka is obviously the man at the top of the family tree. That’s not taking anything away from favorite son Dan Hopper, or colorful uncles James Stein and Robert Kucera. Trust us, if Martin ever quits those three would be perfect for a BTSH version of FULL HOUSE. The only issue we would have is both Kucera and Stein thinking they were playing the John Stamos part. But Cejka is the tough, immigrant Dad who works hard so his kids (and teammates) can have a better life. Respect, MC.

On the other hand, with the Rainbows, it’s a question of who isn’t the team dad? Sure Sean has the kids but Josh has that beard and paternal air of authority. John Rudd rocks the gentle caregiver role and John Nielsen is the reliable rock that every father wants to be. As we said, there are no shortage of qualified candidates. So we’ve got to look beyond their role on the team and see how they interact with the league in general. Who, over the years, has consistently acted like a Dad at the beach with a bunch of unruly four year olds? Who combines that dad like mix of exasperation, amusement and mild intoxication on a Sunday? Who can we count on to never really know what his children/fellow players are up to? Jim Dandenault, you’re our pick for Dark Rainbows father figure. 

Game Prediction: a 3-2 shootout win for Martin & Sons.

Denim Demons at LBS,
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Bill “I Get It Now” Tucker and Patrick “Sorry About That” Larsen

Bill – When I think of fathers, the guy you looked up to as a youngin’ springs to mind.  The adult you always wanted to be.  In that regard, Lbs is the Big Daddy of BTSH.  Through hard work and the occasional hostile takeover, The Corporation has become the BTSH franchise many strive to emulate.  Combining a calm demeanor with explosive power, Lbs is the fatherly equivalent of Mr. Rogers on a bender.  Sure, he looks all sweet in his cardigan but get a few in him and POW.  Right in the kisser.  It also doesn’t hurt that Ken Poulin produces adorable children.  Seriously.  Like pinch their cheeks and make baby noises cute.

Patrick – The Demons are kind of like a family business. Adam and Zack are the older brothers who’ve taken over the shop and modernized everything. But the heart and soul of the company is still the Old Man, the guy who taught them how to tape their first street hockey stick, shotgun a PBR and complain about my calls when I ref Demons’ games.  We’re talking about you Coach. Someday soon your boys are going to make you proud and finally land that big contract (or BTSH championship) and then you’ll quietly retire. But no matter what happens you’ll always be the Demons dad.

Game Prediction: Age and Treachery can still beat Youth and Talent. Let’s give this one to the Corp. 2-1 in OT.

Editor’s Note: A special congratulations to my Brother-in-Law Brian Curci and his lovely wife, Sara. Brian became a Dad for the first time last night and I’m sure Jax Curci (aka New York Islanders 2033 #1 Draft Pick) will be making an appearance on the BTSH sidelines sometime in the next couple of years. Happy Father’s Day to Brian and all the Dads in the league!

 

This writing assignment kind of sneaked up on me, since I was thoroughly enjoying a few weeks off from writing about Rich Glanzer, or the Happy Little Elves, or Rich Glanzer and the Happy Little Elves. But after a lengthy break, it is time to get back to hockey. Sven has been kind enough to ease the writing staff back into the swing of things with a Father’s Day theme (and I’m assuming the other writers are following suit, otherwise this preview might seem a little odd). Of course, Father’s Day is next Sunday, not this Sunday. Unless it is one of those holidays like Thanksgiving, which is celebrated on different days in Canada and the United States, and Sven is operating as if this Sunday is Canadian Father’s Day. But I digress…

It’s pretty obvious that Bryan Welch is the team “Dad” for the Rehabs by a country mile. Apologies to Jon Feldman, $h0wT!m3, and Rob “Sounds like Blondie”, who didn’t make the cut. Welch is one of the longer (if not the longest) tenured Rehabs and has been on the team since the early days of BTSH. Plus, he has held the captain’s role in the past, always motivates his teammates, and is one of the few Rehabs that can be identified by most of the BTSH Universe.

For the Butchers, on the other hand, identifying the team “Dad” is not such an open-and-shut case. You could make solid arguments for Arnold Sanchez (savvy veteran), Ben Bloom (captain), Chris DiMotta (defensive leader), and Eric Ramirez (reliable and consistent) among others. But one thing the Butchers do have is a team “Mom” in Georgine Paulin. She constantly smiles, always greets her teammates with the phrase “Hey kiddies!”, and plays with the tough style of a goon to protect her teammates. Oh, we still have to name a team “Dad”? Let’s just go with Gary Cohen and call it a night.

Editor’s Note: You know, Eli – anti-Canadianism seems to be the last acceptable prejudice in New York City. But I wouldn’t have expected our own BTSH to be such a simmering cauldron of hatred. Yes, Canadians have the same Father’s Day as the USA. We also have cable television, running water and electricity. You know what we don’t have? An explanation for Celine Dion. But that’s our cross to bear, you arrogant prick.

We did the Father’s Day write-ups a week early so our staff and readers could spend Father’s Day week the way it was meant to be spent. Shopping for neckties and soap on a rope, talking to your Father for 5 uncomfortable minutes before he hands the phone to your Mom, and watching the Stanley Cup finals.  Now go get your Dad that jumbo-sized bottle of Hai Karate, Eli. You ungrateful bastard!

What the Puck at Cobra Kai,
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

You know it’s tough to pick a team “Dad” when almost everyone on the team is a Dad. Woodsy, Zimms, those other guys. There’s no shortage of paternal pride on WTP. But really it goes back to the old saying, “Anyone can be a Father. It takes a real man to be a Dad”. Who does that old expression describe more than anyone else. Our old pal, Corey Winters. Not only has he regularly taken on babysitting responsibilities for the WTP farm team, he’s also always there to dispense fatherly wisdom to his teammates. Let’s face it, he’s the only thing that’s kept Gina Hackett out of jail the last couple of years. And he’s always there to post bail for Adam Skuse. Plus he looks like a natural in the new WTP team cardigans. Here’s to you, Papa Corey!

Meanwhile, Cobra Kai has been suffering form the pain of an absentee father. Was it something we did, Gregg Allman? Luckily there’s no shortage of team “uncles” to fill in for Greg while he finds himself. There’s “Drunk Uncle” Pete Lang who is kinda fun and kinda scary at the same time. “Jon Cryer in TWO AND A HALF MEN” Uncle Morgan Donninger who provides a much needed sense of stability. And “Danish Van Houten Uncle” Will Kuhns who is the player all the little Cobra Kais want to grow up to be. Kudos to this trio for keeping the family together until Gregg’s inevitable tear-stained reunion with the rest of the team (probably on a very special Maury).

As for the game, Real Dads beat Uncles, 3-1.

Mathematics at Tompkins Square Riots,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

Sometimes, a Dad has to let his kids make their own mistakes. Give them enough room to grow and try new things but also be there to catch them when they fall. And to make sure they always feel special even when new family members come on the scene. Such is the role of Math team dad Andy Pratt. After deciding to settle down with fellow mather, Sarah Coombs, the young stud realized that he needed to handle things differently. That’s why he encouraged a young Derek Tagliarino to take his first halting steps as Captain. That’s why he never criticized the company that his boys kept (although he wished that Glanzer kid wasn’t around so much). And that’s why he’s made sure to pass the puck to Eli so many times this season (with all those Norris’ joining the family it would be easy for “Buster” to feel left out). That’s the kind of Dad, Andy is. A quiet, strong force that keeps his team on track and out of trouble. Even if it means he scores less goals than he used to.

TSR has a slightly different take on the father-figure. With “Moms” like Amy Jones, BR Rolya and Laura MacNeil (i.e. tough but fair, take no crap ladies that you wouldn’t want to cross), the TSR kids need a laid back, Jimmy Buffett type of Dad who doesn’t take things too seriously. We’re looking at you Craig Thompson. If Craig wasn’t playing with TSR every Sunday, he’d be sitting on a dock somewhere drinking vodka and apple juice and telling the kids not to swim out too far. Who could ask for anything more?

Game prediction: Andy’s going to treasure his last few weeks with the math before they part company. Expect love to triumph over laissez-faire and the Math to take this one 5-2.

With this Fathers Day edition…we could focus on Dave Soko, who clearly is the father to his team. He’s their leader, their captain, their decision maker. Their rock. Dave Soko is a two-time BTSH Champion for Christ Sakes people, so show some respect! But fuck him, lets focus on the Grandfather, Kevin Foster. 

We all know and love Kevin. Lets look at some of his accomplishments through the years. Much like his son, Soko, Kevin has won two BTSH championships as well. Kevin’s career highlight is scoring the game winning goal vs. Romeo in 2011, which was assisted by the three refs who let the goal count since it was his 2,000 career slap shot, and of course Suz who was dressed like a hot dog and decided it would be the perfect time to run across the rink while Kevin was in full swing. His lowlight (which shocking I’m going to mention the 2010 Elves in a second) is calling a timeout up by a goal with 1:20 to play against the Elves in the QF in 2010. The Elves brilliant and handsome captain set up a play, tied the game and then won in OT. Soko has since stripped the Granddaddy of the license to call a timeout.

But hey…speaking of Romeo, have you donated to his charity yet? He’s doing a walk for marriage equity in NJ. Don’t be a cheap bastard and donate to the cause! Here is the link. http://tinyurl.com/Romeo-sequitywalk

Not only are these teams both very close in the standings, but they are both what I’d call “classic” BTSH teams. Sure, this iteration of each team is kinda new–the Gremlins only became a thing a few years ago, and the Rainbows are basically unrecognizable from how they used to be–but watching a yellow-vs-pink-shirted BTSH match reminds me of days gone by.

By the way, I’ve evidently appointed myself to the position of crotchety nostalgic old person of the league. Everybody cool with that?

So come for the fact that each of these teams has a superclose goal differential, stay for the Meisterman/Ervin old-timers game.

Am I fired yet?

What the Puck at Denim Demons,
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East