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#15 Skyfighters at #3 Poutine Machine

By Rich “the Forever Champion” Glanzer

Location: Tompkins East, 12:00 PM

Game Keys:

This game is going to be the craziest game of the weekend. I envision both teams defense to give the ball away multiple times, and even the great Tim Brown to give up soft goals. Why? Because both teams sometimes where blue and I don’t think Sven is smart enough to tell his team to wear white. Or maybe he realizes he cant beat Sky Fighters without tricks and wants to wear the same color shirt.

Actually, Poutine can beat the Fighters, and everybody knows it, including BTSH’s resident gambler, Jesse Kalb, who has Poutine giving a goal to the former champions. Poutine has proved they are no fluke and I know the reason why. Yes Brodie can score, Tim is the leagues best goalie, but its what they did at the exhibition game last week that impressed me. As it was pouring rain and the few Elves that showed ran for cover, Poutine stayed on the rink with their army and played. Their girls blocked shots with little padding, Jo-Ann played net and it was a team that really enjoyed playing hockey.

Trending the opposite direction is the Sky Fighters. After winning the championship in 2009, and almost making it back to the Championship Game in 2010, the team didn’t play with the same urgency as most of the other teams in the league the past two seasons. I mean there is no reason the Sky Fighters should be ranked 15th. I rarely pick against the Fighters because I know how deadly they can be, and keep remembering games where Martin would score a hat trick while never allowing the Elves to get a shot on net. And if we did get a shot on net their jerky goalie, Lurk would make the save.

Earlier this season the two teams played and the Sky Fighters were up 4-0. I was walking past their bench and I heard Dan Hopper tell his team to keep playing hard, and I thought, this game’s over. By the time I got back it was 4-2 and Poutine eventually tied the game as it ended 4-4.

Pride over talent in this one, Poutine 4- Sky Fighters 1. But if the Fighters somehow win this game, the Hookers maybe in for a tough Quarterfinals matchup.  (Yeah, that means the Hookers are gonna beat the Rehabs. And sorry Cobra Kai, cant insult you this week, you earned my praise by beating WTP. Don’t blow it, you talentless losers!)

#20 Rehabs at #1 Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins West, 12:00 PM

Game Notes: #20 vs. #1, should be no contest right? Well, ask the Vancouver Canucks what they think about that. The Hookers are Captained by a goalie as well. And while Dustin has never experienced a Luongo like meltdown, the Hookers have experienced their fair share of upsets in the BTSH post-season. They seem to have gotten over their old, bad habit of never passing to their female players (hard to keep doing that when the best players on your team are women) but they definitely have some demons to vanquish (and we’re not talking about Jeff Kamen). All that being said, the kinder, gentler Hookers ruled the regular season and it’s going to take a lot for the Betty Fords to pull off an upset.

But the ingredients are there. The Rehabs won their last game of the season thanks to a surprise return from Professor Stacey Kehoe (Trust us. We were there and it was like something out of a MIGHTY DUCKS movie. And not just because Rich Glanzer was crying). They also stormed through the first round of the playoffs, playing a high energy, up tempo game against a strong Riots squad. Feldman and Welch looked like younger versions of themselves while one of the league’s best kept secrets, the Femme Fatale known as Sena, peppered the hapless Riots goalie with shot after shot. But the real reason to the turnaround in the Rehabs’ fortunes is the player between the pipes. The Rehabs goalie has a first name and it’s H-I-L-A-R-Y. Her second name might as well be B-R-I-C-K-W-A-L-L because that’s the way she’s played the last few weeks.

It may surprise many to hear this but this will be the game to watch if you’re a fan of women’s hockey. It’s going to come down to the one of the league’s best forwards, Sarah aka the Dartmouth Destroyer vs, the league’s only female goalie. Who will crack under the pressure?

Forget the regular season. This is going to be a heckuva match.

We can’t predict a winner but we can predict this … at the end of the day the Rehabs will still suck.

#14 Denim Demons at #4 Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: Veteran teams with different philosophies going head to head. Which will prevail? We’d love to paint this as a battle between Adam Rubens’ “Take no prisoners” style of hockey and Phil “Eh, it’s a beer league” Donohue’s more laid back approach but the fact is these two teams can be remarkably similar. Craig and Coach are brothers from another mother, while team spiritual leaders Zack and Schuie are both mercurial talents who literally wrote the book on BTSH. Both teams represent at the ACE (yes, Anklebiters you’ve turned the ORG around on that one) and both teams have their share of crazies (I’m looking at you Nicole Lanctot!).

For the Anklebiters it’s been a year of unprecedented success. For the Demons a year of turmoil, capped by a late season hot streak. So who will win this crucial contest?

As much as we’d love to make a prediction, we can’t. The ORG will be reffing this match and any speculation on our part would be unprofessional.

Besides, we’ve heard that Donohue has already been talking about a blockbuster trade for next year. One that will bring the two teams even closer. We don’t think that giving up Joe P. for Tinkelman is the best deal the Biters’ Captain has ever made. But if it lets him realize his dream of fielding an all-Zack forward line aka “the Zack Attack”, then we have to support it

Of course if the Bluejean Beelzebubs triumph over the Crunching Canines expect Zack Norris’ agent to be getting a call real soon.

Welcome to the opening round of the playoffs, everyone. And congrats to all the league staff, refs and Captains for another excellent regular season. Who says Adriano is a lame duck commissioner (well just about everybody but he’s just returned from an inspection tour of foreign ball hockey leagues. So let’s not be haters)?

For those of you new to the league (I’m looking at you Zack Norris), this is how opening round works. Eight teams battle for promotion to the coveted “round of 16” (it’s like the World Cup but with less trouble from the Germans). The remaining twelve teams play exhibition games to keep themselves sharp. These games are usually fun matchups, a chance for teams that don’t normally play each other to go head to head, and not attended by the Corlears Hookers (boo!).

So all the playoff games are our games of the week. As for the other contests, we’ll be doing capsule write-ups with cogent insight that helps you understand the spirit of these matches.

Let the playoff write-ups begin!

GAMES OF THE WEEK

# 20 Rehabs at #13 Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins East, 2:30 PM

Game Keys:

Was it the unexpected return of league sweetheart Stacy Kehoe? The Zen mysticism of Bryan Welch? Sena Ito recalling her Women’s tournament glory days? No one knows for sure but somehow the ‘Habs managed to pull out an OT win against the Rainbows last week, earning them … the #20 seed. Ok, that may not sound like much but it did give them the momentum they wanted going in to the “Round of Death”. Nora is practicing, Hilary is seeing golf balls and Jon Feldman has his writers working on a whole new series of referee complaints for this crucial match up. Meanwhile, their opponents remain shrouded in mystery. Riots goalie Dave has declared a media blackout after what he considers unfair treatment from the ORG correspondents. Sure we could have bypassed this tactic by going directly to Patrick Blohme, Alex Frenette, Scott and Jackie, Patty, BR or our numerous other sources on the team. But when Dave announced his intention to start a rival site (available only on the Microsoft Surface tablet) with long time ORG rival Craig Thompson as Editor-in-Chief that was the last straw. In the words of one of the great pundits of our time, “No soup for you!”

Game Prediction: Forget those arbitrary rankings. These two teams are very closely matched in talent. In the end, it’s probably going to come down to experience. And the ‘Habs have simply played more playoff games than the relatively new Riots squad. Expect the Men & Women in Black to triumph 3-2 in OT.

#17 Gut Rot at #16 Mega Touch

Location: Tompkins West, 2:30 PM

Game Notes: Gut Rot starts this year in an unexpected position. Not last place. With that significant achievement, long time Rot Captain Peaches has declared, “My work is done!” and has resigned his leadership position. Word has it that it’s a three way race between Gilligan, goalie Bill Tucker (who’s using the James Franco campaign slogan “I like to have jobs”) and the ruthless Diane Johnson. Will this drama distract from their focus on this crucial matchup? Meanwhile, Julie Katz and her fidanzato are set to make a dramatic game time return (much like those little Italian kids in KICKING AND SCREAMING). Will Alex Eben Meyer be the Mega’s Byong Sun and get Eric Devlin that coveted Pele ball? He’ll have to go through the most motivated GutRot squad in years to accomplish that goal. But upsets have been the Megas stock and trade this year and they may just pull off another one (Wait a minute. Did I just say Gut Rot was the favorite to win a game?).

Game Prediction: This is not your father’s Gut Rot. The playoff experience of Watts, Workman and the fact that the Redskins have the late game should give the Rotters the edge they need to win a close one.

#19 Dark Rainbows at #13 Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Notes: What do we know for sure about this game? Only that the unlucky soulls who have to ref it will probably need a stiff one afterwards.

This is definitely the most dramatic of the “play in” games and you can expect a fierce level of intensity. Rainbows may have a reputation for sweetness and light but when the chips are down they can be as aggressive and focused as any team in the league. The Demons may have a reputation for pushing things to the limit and bringing insane levels of commitment to their game but when the chips are down … that reputation is well deserved.

Amping up the drama level is the fact that half the Rainbows squad used to wear devil horns. The Devil worshippers version of the Reformation was a major blow to a team that had been at the top of the BTSH dog pile for a while and it’s led to no love lost between these two teams.

But Adam has done a pretty excellent job of rebuilding his team after the pre-season schism and the Demons are once again one of the squads that no one wants to meet in the post-season. The Rainbows have a history of pulling off post-season upsets (e.g. their championship win over the Hookers a few years back). But October is Coach’s time to shine and it’s going to be hard to bet against the team in red.

Game Prediction: If the Demon’s can avoid OT they’ve got this. But if the contest goes in to extra time this is anyone’s game.

#18 Sky Fighters at #15 Gremlins

By Rich “Don’t Ever Forget It’s All About Me” Glanzer

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Two teams in transition face off when the Sky Fighters face the Gremlins. The Sky Fighters went from doormats, to champions in just three seasons, but now they are once again closer to the bottom than top. Because of work and health reasons, the Fighters have replaced Lurk as their starting goalie, which is good and bad. It’s good bc no one likes James Stein, but it’s also bad because he’s a really good goalie.

Meanwhile, the Gremlins lost their name, goalie, and best guy and girl. I expected a 2-win season from them, but they surprised me and probably a few others by putting together a pretty solid first season under their new regime. Well played Gremmies, consider this writer impressed.

But I think this one is going to be a pretty decisive victory for the men and women in light blue. The Sky Fighters have the talent to win the BTSH Championship, and if they win, the Hookers or WTP may have a really difficult first round opponent.

Lastly, I want to give a shoutout to the Kai. Cobra Kai has been a bit of a whipping post for me, but by beating WTP Sunday, they avoided Fresh Kills and gave themselves a chance vs. the Tuques in the 2nd round. Don’t get me wrong, Cobra Kai still has horrible people, and even worse hockey players on their team, but I have to tip my cap to them. They’ve done well since I started to berate them.

La Famiglia at Corlears Hookers

By Bill “#17 Bitches!” Tucker

Location: Tompkins East, 12:30 PM

Game Keys: Exhibition games.  Like Charlie Sheen on a 3 AM bender, these are the contests where anything can happen.  Sure, the spotlight may be on the playoffs, but BTSH fans who come early will be a treated to a Famiglia squad looking to exorcise the demons of last year’s playoff stumble.  2011’s Round of 16 ouster at hands of Glanzer’s Great Gazoo’s still haunts the Omnipotent Octopi, so look for a squad hungry to build off the momentum from a last second victory over Gut Rot in Week 18.  Trouble is, they may be playing alone.  If history has shown us anything, it’s that many of the Hookers regulars are notorious for skipping the games that don’t matter.  Expect the Purple People Eaters to field a team consisting of Sara Newman, the homeless guy who plays “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” in the park and three cans of baked beans.  A tune up for Famiglia, a vacation for the Corlears Dustin Hoffman’s, this Qualifying Round sideshow should be an entertaining prelude to the main games at 4:30.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction:  In the vacant chasm between the regular season and the playoff tournament, winners are forged in the fires of meaningless play.  Strategies are drawn.  Lines are formed.  PBR’s are sucked dry out of brown paper bags.  The unobservant may find this game frivolous but the keen see it for what it truly is.  A chance to mold a champion.  The Family wants it more so expect a well played victory for the former Tuques.

LBS Inc. at Fresh Kills

Location: Tompkins West, 12:30 PM

Game Keys: Regular Kills correspondent Eli Kazin is taking a break from write-ups this weekend due to the Jewish holidays (Shanna Tova, Eli!) and you can expect Dave Sokol to do the same with his squad. After an intense matchup against Poutine Machine last week, Sokol won’t want to be taking any chances with injury. Meanwhile, the LBS had a pretty intense game of their own. So they’ll be looking for a little break as well. Expect this one to be played with country club rules. At least until Ken Poulin loses it and starts running Patrick Barch every chance he gets. As Ken (and every good Canadian knows), there’s no such thing as a friendly game when you’re playing the Russians!

Filthy Gorgeous at Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins East, 1:30 PM

Game Keys: Two of the more chill teams in the league go at it in a meaningless match. Should be a snoozer right? And it would be except for one thing … the Anklebiter’s deep and abiding hatred of Dana Kravis. Already suspect for enticing Schuie to marry outside of the Anklebiters team, she officially became the Pups Enemy #1 when she subbed in for another team against the Dogs earlier in the season. No longer content to wage the war of quiet aggression that he had carried on since Kravis and Schumacher’s nuptials, Captain Phil Donohue is placing a personal bounty on Kravis’ head. Look for Jen “I hide my crazy well” Halper to be the first one to try and collect in what’s sure to be an ugly game.

Happy Little Elves at Poutine Machine

By Abby “Link Queen” Meisterman

Location: Tompkins West, 1:30 PM

Game Keys: Last week’s loss to division rivals, Denim Demons, capped the Elves’ season with a five-game losing streak. When asked after the game how it went, T-Beau had this to say: “Well, at least it wasn’t to Poutine Machine.” Coincidentally, the Machine also suffered a loss at the stinking hands of Fresh Kills last week. Thankfully, for the Elves, this loss did not threaten their standing in the Bratta division, and PoutineMachine’s* loss** won’t keep them from rising out of their eponymous (at least as far as their captain goes) division and Kazin conference. So just because this week’s match up doesn’t count for anything, it doesn’t mean it won’t be a heated game as both teams are known for their aggressive playing.

* The Princess Bride turned 25 this week. Anyone else feel old?
** There was a rumor that half the team was trying to throw the game as some people just wanted to make it home for Thanksgiving.

 Mathematics at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins East, 3:30 PM

Game Keys: Righting a wrong that’s bothered us since Rivalry Week, these two “forever rivals” go at it one more time. Is it just a tune-up game for Rem? Not in the eyes of Greg Altman or Derek and Eli. Both these teams want to win bad and set a tone for the playoffs. But then again, neither wants their star players hurt either (good move sending Will Kuhns to Colombia for the week, Greg). Expect a tentative game, with all of the Mathematics trying out Zack Norris’ signature Mylec blade before the game is over. Of course, if they meet again in the playoffs, it’s on!

Butchers at What the Puck

Location: Tompkins West, 3:30 PM

Game Keys: Yes, it’s important to stay sharp before the playoffs. But sometimes you just want to stay home with the kids and not go through the hassle of finding a babysitter. That’s the attitude of the entire starting lineup of WTP this week. Which is fine by Rachel and Ben. The Jets have the early game and Ben can catch the last set at Rockshop without worrying about getting up early the next day. Even with a 3:30 pm start time, expect short benches on both sides for this one.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Rehabs at Dark Rainbows

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys:

Why is this the game of the week? Hell, why not? It features two of the league’s classic franchises. Both teams have struggled this year, looking to forge new identities after significant departures. But both teams still have a core made up of players who embody the BTSH spirit. Bryan Welch? Abby Meisterman? Jon “Dinnerplate” Feldman? A dude named PK? These are the stuff of BTSH legend.

Allow us to quote Tennyson, speaking of another legendary figure:

“Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’ 
We are not now that strength which in old days 
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,– 
One equal temper of heroic hearts, 
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will 
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

Sorry. The end of the season always makes us sentimental.

Game Prediction: We love Hilary and Nora and would love to pick the Black Beauties to win this one. But unfortunately, we can’t. You know why guys and gals? Because the Rehabs suck. And no matter what else changes in BTSH, that will always be true.

Happy Little Elves at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: Two Bratta division rivals combine for a Christmas colored nightmare. For some devoutly Christian societies Elves are considered Demons. And for humanist atheists like the highly enlightened Dr. John Rick, Demons are as make believe as the diminutive fair folk for whom the team in green is named (for the record “diminutive fair folk” does not refer to Jenna Cruff). Maybe that explains the animosity between these two sides. We always hate that which reminds us most of ourselves. I know it’s why I hate Gil so much (Just retire already will you? That way I can be the oldest player in the league. What? Are you trying to break Gordie Howe’s record or something?).

Of course, the Demons are still chafing from their repeated exclusion from competition for the Fairytale Cup, as well. And the Elves are coming off of a couple of brutal losses. They definitely need to turn their fortunes around and the ORG is going to give them a special gift that will help them in this regard.

Shaun deLacy.

This changes everything.

What the Puck at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: It’s hard to talk about WTP without using the words “steam” and “roller”. In the second half of the season there hasn’t been a better team in the league. Whether it’s because they’re trying to impress their kids, their future fiancées (hi Dom!) or they realize that Zimm isn’t getting any younger; the team in orange and blue has been on fire. The dojo has had an up and down season but they have shown that they can play with any team in the league. We’re just not sure that any lineup is going to shut down last year’s championship finalists (and our top pick for a return to the finals). WTP may be vulnerable for a playoff upset but for the last week of the season our money is on Mike Woodsworth and co.

PS: Corey Winters paid me to write this.

Mega Touch at Sky Fighters

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Blah blah blah Martin. Blah blah blah Czech Republic. Blah Blah Blah Adriano.

Forget it. Let’s forego the usual suspects and talk straight (it is the last week of the season after all). Will Mega Touch win this game? Probably not. Will they care? Absolutely not.  The former Bad Touchers may need to inform their neighbors when then they move in to a new house but there’s no team that epitomizes old school BTSH more. Those striped socks are a badge of pride. A symbol that says, we’re going to sit in the sun, enjoy life and play some hockey (if we get around to it). Yep, occasionally they get a victory. But you know what. They’re all winners! We love you MegaTouch.

Skyfighters. We like you too (and you’re much better at hockey).

Mathematics at Tompkins Square Riots

By the ORG’s version of Ed Anger, Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Since the Riots debuted in 2010, everyone wondered, who was running the team? While Amy Jones was the recognized captain, photos have leaked of the real ringleader of the team. None other than Michelle Bressler! As you can see in this photo, Jones only job is to keep Bressler not too sunburned, and do her laundry every other Tuesday.

As for the game itself, the last time the Riots played Math it was a doozy. The Riots dominated early, but when Andy Pratt showed up late (I reffed and have a ridiculous memory for things like this), Math came on strong and took several leads, only to have the Riots quickly tie the score.

While the Riots will key on Pratt and the self-proclaimed, and probably accurate, Zach “Only good athlete to come from Cleveland besides LeBron” Norris, they better not lose site of the lady Mathematicians. Female Rookie of the Year candidate Cherie had a beautiful assist last game, and Amy is pretty due for a goal.

Over on the Riots side, Bressler is going to miss the game, spending time on the big L.I., so the Riots will have to depend on former BTSH Champion netminder, and man of many names, Dave Gil de Rubio, and Alex Frenette. (Happy Dave? Now back to just mentioning Amy Jones, Shaun deLassy, and me in all previews)

So who will come away with the W? I see a tight game…this isn’t going to be easy like if either team were playing Cobra Kai. But I see Zach Norris sister scoring the game winning goal for Math. You didn’t know he had a sister? He does…when I asked her, her name, she was about to speak but then quickly turned to Zach who gave her a stern look, and shook his head. She then looked to the ground and said, “My name is Zach Norris’ sister.”

True story.

PS. Fresh Kills 3 Poutine 1

Fresh Kills at Poutine Machine

By the ORGs version of Jimmy Olsen Eli Kazin

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: On any other week, the pairing of Fresh Kills and Poutine Machine would be on the short list of can’t miss games. Unfortunately, this game is the victim of bad timing, as both teams are already locked into their respective playoff seeds. Poutine Machine secured the Larsen Division and the third seed in the playoffs last Sunday with a 3-0 win against the Tompkins Square Riots. Fresh Kills entered last Sunday with faint hopes of winning the Bratta Division and with it the top overall seed, but the Corlears Hookers extinguished that possibility by defeating Filthy Gorgeous. Even with the division title no longer attainable, the defending champions were able to lock up the fifth seed with their 7-1 thrashing of the Happy Little Elves. With playoff positions secure, and both teams having little to play for, neither captain is willing to risk much in what is essentially a glorified exhibition game. Poutine Machine’s Sven Patrick Larsen has hinted that starting goaltender Tim Brown may be given the week off. Larsen noted that the leading candidates for this scenario are Mike Haas, Jo-Ann Provencher, and Brodie St. John. Fresh Kills’ Dave Sokolyansky, meanwhile, is strongly leaning towards rostering only players under 30 years of age, which will give his veterans, such as Kevin Foster, Mike Sokolyansky, and Eugene Rha, a much needed breather.

Gouging Anklebiters at Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

By the ORG’s version of Lois Lane – Monica Russo

Game Keys: Picture it.  Corlears Hook Park. 2007 (I think. Maybe it was 2008. Get off my back). A fairly new team called the Corlears Hookers (ok, I JUST got that) are in the first round of the finals. They face old-school BTSH’ers, The Gouging Anklebiters. The ‘Biters weren’t exactly having the season of their lives that year. The Hookers, meanwhile, had quickly established themselves as the new “team you love to hate.” It was their first year, they’d won every game, and they were fierce. And by “fierce” I don’t so much mean this, as much as I mean “I’ll cut the shit out of you if you cross me.”

The whole league gathers to watch the Anklebiters play these new BTSH juggernauts. This is mainly because it was the last game of the day, and there was really nowhere convenient to go once you were at Corlears. But I digress.

Though the Hookers came out strong, GAB would not lie down and play dead. The game was a nailbiter all the way through. Would this be the huge upset of the season? Would the sure-thing Hookers (heehee) really give it up (heehee) to the underdogs (heehee)?

The entire league was on it’s feet. Everyone came over to watch. For reals, this shit was intense. I am getting an adrenaline rush just thinking about it. Could this, would this, really happen?

Ok, so it didn’t really happen. But maybe it will this time. That shit was a long time ago.

Butchers at Filthy Gorgeous

By the ORG’s version of JD Salinger, Abby Meisterman

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: It’s not easy being Rachel Greene.* Despite being backed by solid goalie Eric Ramirez, the Butchers just couldn’t get a win against the Gremlins last week. But if fellow Connecticutensian Arthur Revechkis, Chris diMotta, Georgina “Hat Trick” Paulin, and Ben Bloom are in attendance this week, the tides may turn for theBitchers. Look for the Butchers to don their dried-blood-red shirts while making mincemeat of this week’s rivals, Filthy Gorgeous. However, there is some serious talent on Filthy, and I’m not just talking about heterosexual life-mates Suvin and James. It’s been rumored that captain Monica Russo has been taking French classes so she can call out secret moves to Jean Herbert. And Caroline Currie has been working on a move that involves vaulting off goalie Dan Owens. We’re looking at what has the making of being a very entertaining game.

* Rachel has a really nice smile. Have you ever noticed that? And nice hair. It is quite lovely.

 LBS Inc at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: LBS. don’t care about 47% of the league and the Gremlins fit squarely in that category. We know enough about Caitlin, Mark and John Rick’s personal lives to know that they won’t be attending any $50,000 a plate dinners any time soon. A social worker, a musician and a philosophy professor? They’re everything the Republicans LBS hate. And the LBS. will unleash their full fury this Sunday. Expect vicious attacks, distortions of the truth and Ken Poulin talking to an empty chair. It may not be popular in New York City. But don’t be surprised if it gets a result and a cheer from the heartland. And when the LBS add another victory to the story of their franchise’s achievements, remember … they built it!

La Famiglia at Gut Rot

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

By the ORG’s version of Robert Wuhl in the BATMAN movies, Bill Tucker

Game Keys: The final week of the regular season is here and at first glance, this may look like the short end of the hockey writing stick.  If my math is correct, La Famiglia has already secured a bye for the opening round of the playoffs and Gut Rot is guaranteed to not be the worst team in the league.  While my familiarity with both teams will allow me to “spread out the mentions”, there are a number of intriguing storylines in this late September contest.

Just Married, Now Bitter Rivals: Fresh off their recent nuptials, recent Rotter Matt “Worky” Workman and the Family’s Haanwa “The People’s Champion” Chau face each other for the first time since tying the knot.  Will they still be in honeymoon mode or will their first spat take place on the court?

Old Friends Come Home:  Diane Johnston faces her former team, the Former Tuques, for the first time since her Gut Rot defection.  Team captain Dave Ladanyi has pledged to not target his former teammate but the usual stoic Alfred Lui smashed his whiskey glass against the Transformers pinball machine in Ace Bar and refused to comment.  Sparks could be flying.

 Goals Achieved:  Making good on their pre-season goal of “19^th Place or Bust, Bitches”, Gut Rot has literally nothing to play for.  While a win would put them in contention for a more favorable 16^th slot, Peaches will most likely lead his team on a drunken pre, post and during game rampage.  Nothing says victory like five cases of Steel Reserve.

 Goalie…OUT!:  Due to a previous commitment, goaltender Bill Tucker will not be at the game forcing him to write about himself in the third person during this week’s preview.  He can be a jerk like that.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction:  It has been an honor following The Blue Menace through this season of ups, downs, missteps and victories.  On behalf of Dr. Gonzo, my liver and five sheets of high powered blotter acid, I commend this squad for a well played regular season.  That said, I have a strong pull towards Peaches’ Whiskey Warriors.  Blurry eyed seekers all reaching for hockey mediocrity.  As a result, I declare this game a 0-0 tie.  Give the game a miss and head straight to the nearest watering hole.  You both deserve it.

Not the French Guy We Were Talking About

GAME OF THE WEEK

Corlears Hookers at Filthy Gorgeous

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys:

Is this the week that the Hookers their division and the first seed for the playoffs? Maybe. Maybe not. The Hookers returned to a full bench and the kind of dominating performance they’ve become known for last week. Their 7-0 blowout of the Rehabs was the kind of ruthless and efficient takedown that has spawned comparisons between Peter Pucha and the robot from ‘70s sci fi classic WESTWORLD. But no team wants to spoil their party more than the Dirty Prettys. It took years to get the Hookers monkey off their backs (and FG suffered some heartbreaking playoff losses in the process) but recently this matchup has been tilting in the Filthys favor. Games between these two are always close but our bet is that hate trumps the Hookers “Get her done” mentality. For the Purple People Eaters to wrap up the top spot, they’re going to have to bring some emotion to this game. Perhaps, a late season draft of Ellery “Redskins, baby!!!” Gillette might be the spark they need to claim the regular season title?

Keys to the Game:

1) Goaltending

Dustin tends to sit so far back in his net that we’ve often suspected he has a smart phone with an e-trade app stashed somewhere in there. Meanwhile, Dan Owens takes the opposite tack, singlehandedly trying to revive the position of “rover”. With both teams scoring goals in bunches and a full season’s worth of scouting available to their opponents, someone needs to modify their style.

2) Can Matt and Becky Find a Babysitter?

One of the league’s best defensive duos has been splitting shifts and handing off their daughter to each other during games. While this solution seems to have worked short term, it’s probably only a matter of time before one of them grabs a handiwipe instead of a hockey stick. League go to child-minder Corey has some loyalty to the Hookers squad which will prevent him from helping them out. If we were FG Captain Monica Russo we’d be sending a least one of the Novicks to WTP for some hockey/life balance coaching.

3) Will Jean and that French guy on the Hookers start trashtalking?

Neither player is known for their verbosity. But maybe that’s just a language barrier thing. Expect the two to go out at big time this Sunday, unleashing torrents of Joual on Tompkins Square Park. Of course, the Gorg also have Caroline Currie who can bring it in either of Canada’s official languages. The advantage on this one has to go to the team in blue.

4) 8 is better than 7

Both teams scored 7 goals last week. Our forty years of hockey experience tells us that the team that scores 8 will probably win this game.

Game Prediction: Filthy in a shootout but only if Joann Provencher doesn’t ref the game (hint to the Quebecois crew – she can understand everything you’re saying!)

Gremlins at Butchers

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

By ORG Special Op Monica Russo

Game Notes:

Mathematics at Gut Rot

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: Mathematics are coming off of a heartbreaking one-goal loss. Gut Rot are coming off of a stirring one-goal win (despite having to deal with football crazed teammates and Tommy Cho’s inevitable post-wedding comedown). Will this be another one goal thriller? Not if Zack Norris has anything to say about it. BTSH’s answer to Tom Brady is back ready to break hearts and make Bill Tucker cry. Rookie of the Year honors are on the line and the Zack Attack is looking for a big salary bump next year. Expect him to dominate this game like Messier in Game 6. The prize? A better chance at the coveted #11 seed. It’s all on the line in this one, folks!

La Famiglia at What the Puck

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Game Keys: The air is crisper, the ‘Skins are causing Ellery to scream profanity whilst twirling his shirt and the BTSH playoff race is in full swing.  A crucial game in the Brown Division, the Omnipotent Octopi meet a What The Puck team that’s cruising’ through a 6 game winning streak.  Team leaders Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer and Corey “Chongo” Winters are putting the biscuit in the basket while Anthony “Write Your Own Nickname” Romeo tends the net with style. With the threat of the WTP summer swoon officially behind them, the Orange Juggernaut looks to put a hammerlock on the division lead.  After a shellacking at the hands of Fresh Kills last week, La Famiglia is looking to right the ship with the remaining weeks in the regular season.  To assist his suddenly struggling team, captain Dave Ladanyi has attempted to purchase 15 kilos of fairy dust to give the Blue Menace some much needed September jump.  When asked how he came about this mythical substance, Ladanyi muttered something about the prestigious yet imaginary Fairy Tale Cup and ducked into a nearby alley.  Magical boost or not, this game is a must win for the former Tuques if they hope to contend for the division lead.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction: Last week was a personal disappointment for me.  With no tales of drunken debauchery to share, I did something I never thought I’d do on the BTSH website.  Give a genuine prediction.  Luckily for my long time fans, I spent this entire week in a cough syrup and cold medicine induced coma.  In honor of this new experiment in substance abuse, I award this game to the DayQuil Dynamos, What The Puck.

LBS Inc. at Sky Fighters

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Yes, both these teams suffered losses last week. But this is the second season folks. Experience can beat talent and streaks are made to be broken. And these two veteran teams know that a couple of points may affect the standings but everybody makes the playoffs. Just ask former BTSH champs the Skyfighters. Dan Hopper has been resting his most talented players since about mid-July, making sure that everyone from Robert to Alice to James “Ramm” Stein is fresh for a deep playoff run. Meanwhile, the LBS. have decided to take the Marty Brodeur route, making sure that their wily veterans play in every game and hoping that lightning strikes. Sascha, Sam and even the forgotten LB. Brian Barrett may not light it up as often as they used to but there’s still enough water in the well for them to win this one. Whether they can turn that in to mission 6W is a question for another day.

Happy Little Elves at Fresh Kills

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

By Kills Beat reporter Eli Kazin

Game Keys: All of the key stats leading up to this Bratta Division contest point to a Fresh Kills victory. The defending champs have already beat the Happy Little Elves once this season (3-2 in Week 13), have the second best goal differential in the league, and are the only team in BTSH yet to lose a divisional game in regulation. The Elves, on the other hand, are scuffling. They have lost four of their past five games and are the only team that has yet to win a divisional game.

So why does Elves captain Rich Glanzer feel extremely confident about his team’s chances on Sunday? The answer is he made some very prescient bets that have given the Elves a personnel edge. First, Rich bet on the outcome of Sunday’s Steelers-Broncos game with Fresh Kills goaltender and avid Steelers fan Patrick Barch. If the Steelers won, Rich would play in goal for the Elves, but if the Broncos won, Barch would not be able to play in goal for Fresh Kills. Then, Rich bet on the outcome of a game of Skeeball (or Skeetball, depending on who you ask) with Nick Hobbs, which resulted in Hobbs not being able to play this Sunday. Not satisfied with just two bets, Rich also set up a wager with Nick Scott. He did not divulge the details of this wager, but the end result is that Scott is also not playing on Sunday. Rich also added that should the Elves win on Sunday, Steph Opitz has to raise his hand.

Editor’s Note: A post that’s all about Glanzer that no one really understands? What is this 2011?

Rehabs at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

By Rich “Adam Rant” Glanzer

Game Keys: Well if it isn’t the Dark Rainbows versus the talented-laden Cobra Kai’ians.

So last week I wrote about how little talent everyone but JJ and Will Kuhns have on Cobra Kai. After they beat Math 3-2, I saw them and went to say hi, but Becky Pear kicked me in the shins, and Meredith Sladek threw a cup of water at me. I was a little confused by the hostile greeting but then I saw Peter Lang humping some poor homeless man and appreciated the return to normalcy.

But guess what CK…you beat MATH! Guess who else beat Math? Everyone else in the league! Now before you break out the stat that the Elves lost to Math this year, keep in mind the self proclaimed, “Greatest Player of Em’ All” Zach Norris was at my game, but missing vs. you. But I digress, one little victory over a JV team in the greatly named yet horrendously talentless Glanzer Division, isn’t going to get you into Lynbrook, where the BTSH Hall of Fame resides.

Lets see how you do vs. the pinkies. As for the Dark Rainbows, blah blah blah Abby, blah blah blah former Demons. The only two Rainbows I care about are $howt!m3 and the true, “Greatest Player of Em’ All” Bernstein! Bernstein is going to light Lang’s ass up more, than that male stripper Ronaldo did at Hunkomania, located at 301 W 39th St. Tell em’ Peter “Clubber” Lang sent you and get a loyalty discount!

Rainbows 5- Cobra Kai 1. Kai scored by the “Most talented player that never committed a legitimate penalty” Fay Wells!

Rehabs at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Zach Tinkelman scored three goals last week? Have the Demons renewed their pact with their Dark Lord? They’re sure looking like the team that used to annihilate opponents and scare young Bible College students. Meanwhile, the Rehabs are in that “Moment of Clarity” phase of their rebuilding. Was last week’s 7-0 drubbing from the Hookers rock bottom. Or is there further to fall before their inevitable comeback. The ‘Habs are one of the league’s classic franchises and they will see better days. But watching Jon Feldman furiously markup his copy of the BTSH rules doesn’t give us hope that this game will be the turning point in their season.

 Gouging Anklebiters at Mega Touch

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: The Anklebiters didn’t manage to lock up their division last week but it’s going to take a Metslike collapse for them not to come away with the #4 seed. But that doesn’t mean the Megas wouldn’t love to be the Marlins. Of course, no one on the Touch (with the exception of Eric Devlin) will probably get that reference. Team Captain Julie Katz convinced her beau (and lame duck Commissioner) Adriano Bratta to postpone their European vacation by a couple of weeks so that they could make their Glanzer division rivals sweat. And sweat they will as Mega breaks out the deep V and Jorts combo that proved so effective in distracting teams last year. Like Berlosconi on a bender, Katz will stop at nothing in her quest for victory. And Phil Donohue’s vow to tear up a picture of the Pope at center court will only make “Mussels” more motivated. Sorry, pound puppies. You’ll have to wait till next week to celebrate (unless, of course, Math loses and you back your way in to the playoffs). Andiamo, Mega.

Poutine Machine at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

By ORG Special Correspondent Abby Meisterman

Game Keys: I was going protest writing this preview as it does not pertain to Cobra Kai, Filthy Gorgeous, or the Happy Little Elves. Fuck, these teams didn’t even play those teams last week! I’m at a bit of a lost.

Most people think the namesake of the Tompkins Square Riots are the 1988 TSP Riots which were a reaction to the 1 a.m. curfew placed on the previously open-24-hours park due to the “unsavory” characters that were taking over the East Village at the time. Those people would be mistaken as Amy Jones drew her inspiration from the 1874 riots. Those riots, happening amidst the depression that ensued after the Panic of 1873, had the police running the demonstrators (unemployed people looking for public works programs, not hand outs) out of the park. That being said, BTSH’s Riots aren’t looking for a handout. Which is good because Poutine Machine doesn’t do charity work. PM’s Brodie St. John leads the league with 9 goals (assuming the stats have been updated lately) and the Machine isn’t known for its kindness. Expect the Riots to take a stand and the Machine to mount their horses and ride rough-shod all over them.

Sorry, ladies. He’s out this week.

ALTERNATE GAME OF THE WEEK

Cobra Kai at Mathematics

By Eli “Don’t start none, there won’t be none.” Kazin

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys:

Cobra Kai and Mathematics are supposed to be bitter rivals, right? This question was posed to various members of the league, including several players on each team, and the answer is a resounding no.

Poutine Machine forward Jo-Ann Provencher quipped, “Cobra Kai and Mathematic are not rival. We are the Mathematic rival, since we play them on Rivalry Days.” Mathematics rookie sensation Zach Norris will not even be present on Sunday, as he is taking an extra week to prepare for the team’s big showdown with Gut Rot on September 16, adding “Man, I love playing Gut Rot!” Perpetually injured Cobra Kai forward Rem “Canadian Strongman” Garavito was more direct, noting, “Fresh Kills is our top rival. They used to be in our division, and we still hate those guys with a passion.” Happy Little Elves co-captain Rich Glanzer probably sums it up best, though; as he explains “the best rivalries are ones with traveling trophies, such as the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup and the Barnacle Bowl. Math doesn’t even have a traveling trophy at stake against Cobra Kai, but we do.”

In truth, this was once a great rivalry. But time, and with it roster turnover, has eroded the hate between the two squads, and now it is just another game on the schedule, just like any matchup between the Detroit Red Wings and Colorado Avalanche. However, this game still has a lot of meaning for both squads. Cobra Kai and the Mathematics are tied in the standings at 17 points apiece, and a loss for either team will all but extinguish any faint hopes for a division title.

La Famiglia at Fresh Kills

By Bill “Sweet Vermouth” Tucker

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: After a three-week hiatus, the height of the BTSH season is upon us and what better way to usher in our return to the blacktop than a classic matchup between La Famiglia and Fresh Kills.  Both teams enter BTSH’s final month with similar situations.  Both maintain second place in their respective divisions, both are coming off shutout victories in Week 16 and both feature a player whose name is synonymous with alcoholic merriment (Dave “And Lime” Soko for Kills and Alfred “Bourbon on the Rocks” Liu for the Family).  The key to victory will be shaking off the summer break rust.  According to sketchy reports handed to me on cocktail napkins during a drunken spree at Doc Holidays, Kills goaltender Patrick “The Dude” Barch spent the three weeks lobbying to become Mitt Romney’s running mate.  Apparently, his penchant for White Russians and general apathy towards politics held him back from consideration.  The members of the Omnipotent Octopi were a little harder to track down, but satellite photos showed offensive duo Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and Dennis “The  Flash” Miciletto partying in the Hamptons with a third party who bared an uncanny resemblance to actor Terry Kiser.  Stranger still was how they paddled back to New York on the back of this mysterious doppelganger.  Odd behavior aside, this Tagliarino Conference showdown should be one of the marquee matchups this coming Sunday.

Dr Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction: While La Famiglia and Fresh Kills both boast impressive goaltending and explosive offense, defense will be the name of the game here.  Kills by a nostril hair.  Oh wait. This is where I’m supposed to ramble on about drugs, booze and mishaps involving farm animals.  Next week, friends, neighbors and fellow wanderers.  Next week.

Denim Demons at Sky Fighters

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Like swallows coming back to Capistrano, September sees the return of key players and full benches to many teams. It’s also the time for Captains to work on getting team chemistry to finally gel prior to the playoffs. So have team Captains Adam Rubens and Dan Hopper planned to achieve those goals?

Not wanting to lose the momentum of the Demons two game- winning streak, Rubens has created an elaborate deception. Informing his team that “the break was cancelled”, he’s had the Red Furies showing up at Tompkins each week and playing matches against teams he secretly hired. Yes, Jeff Kamen, this is why you didn’t recognize anyone on Filthy Gorgeous last Sunday. Unless any of the Demons players bypass the blocks Adam has placed on their computers and manage to read this site, the team will go in to this matchup thinking they’re on a five game winning streak. While we can’t endorse Adam’s tactics, we do admire his motivation skills.

Meanwhile, things haven’t been so easy for the Skyfighters’ Hopper. After learning about the Czech Republic’s rampaging meth problem by watching the season finale of BREAKING BAD, Hopper has been frantically lobbying members of D.A.R.E. to join the Skyfighters roster. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “team chemistry”. Unfortunately, to make room for these acquisitions Hopper has had to cut several players, including himself and goalie James Stein. Radical tactics but if he can keep Martin clean; the Cloudpunchers will always have a chance to win hockey games.

Corlears Hookers at Rehabs

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: The Post Kehoe/Danberg-Ficharelli era begins for the Rehabs. And the question for the team now is who will keep the rampaging egos of Bryan Welch and Jon Feldman in check? Both seem themselves as the Kobe like center of the Rehabs offence and “Dinner Plate” has been lobbying aggressively to have the team re-branded “Jon Feldman’s Rehabs”. Meanwhile, Welch has told Rich Glanzer that he will only ref games if he’s allowed to use a cardboard cutout of Kehoe as his partner. With feuding upfront and a big hole on “D”, all-star goalie Hilary may be the only chance this team has of shutting down the Purple juggernaut. As for the Hookers, Dustin has vowed to start the “second season” by fielding more than six players a game. If the Disco Kings manage to put two full lines together, it could be a long Sunday for the team in black.

Tompkins Square Riots at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Two likable and skilled teams finish out the day’s events and the big question is … will anyone be there to see this game. The Anklebiters and Gutrot are playing on the opposite court and both those teams have Grateful Dead-like followings. Riots and Grems? Not so much.

Still, both teams are manned with league veterans and they know that a point here or a point there can make the difference between a fun first playoff round or the chance to block Kevin Foster wrist shots for an hour. Self-preservation can be a powerful motivator so expect the former Kills on the Riots to remind their compatriots that bye weeks are great for healing bruises.

Rumor also has it that Jon aka “Redpants” has left the Gremlins to try out for a new mid-Western Ball Hockey league sponsored by a Russian oil billionaire. Just a tip, Jon. Despite what they may have promised you, there is no “tenure” in hockey.

Flip a coin folks. This is anyone’s game.