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GAME OF THE WEEK

Filthy Gorgeous (4-1-0) at Corlears Hookers (5-0)

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Notes: It’s “Rivalry Sunday” in BTSH featuring such heated matchups as La Famiglia at Megatouch and LBs at Anklebiters. OK, so they can’t all be Habs/Leafs. But this one sure can.

How do we put this diplomatically? These two teams HATE each other. For the longest of times the Hookers were the monkey on Filthy’s back. The Disco Kings were team they could never beat and the side that ended more than one FG playoff run. That all changed last year when FG finally beat their purple shirted rivals.

But the animosity hasn’t diminished at all. Whether it’s in BTSH or Moffo James Perriera and Peter Putka are constantly arguing about who has the better hockey skills and/or movie star good looks. My female sources tell me James wins in the second category but the first one is still up for grabs. Peter’s habit of playing 45 minutes a game lets him show off his skills more but Gentleman James has been on a scoring tear the last couple of weeks, so expect him to be logging a lot of ice time as well.

Of course, the real key to this game are the female players for both sides. The Hookers women are some of the most underrated players in the league and this year, even their male teammates are starting to realize that. They’re a big part of CH’s perfect record. But the Filthy women are not to be trifled with, either. An already strong side got even stronger with the recent additions of Kamdyn “Stonewall” Moore and Kristin “Flash” Wise. Moore was a shutdown defensive player for Rehabs and her blueline domination is continuing with her new team. Wise is so fast on the court that sometimes even she doesn’t know which position she’s playing. Expect that confusion to carry over to a Hookers side that is going to have a hard time defending against her.

Our prediction is that this will be another close one. We see the Filthys winning a 4-3 in overtime on a goal by Suz “I’m so little you forgot about me even though I was elbowing you in the stomach and calling for the ball” Pasquantonio. It’s the year of the female goal scorers, guys. Get used to it.

Watchability: 5 Tumbleweed Salads

Skyfighters at Rehabs

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: The Czech Mafia vs. the Slam Sisters. Who will prevail? While that may be the question on many people’s minds, there really isn’t any animosity between these two teams. Stacy Kehoe and Dan Hopper have actually co-founded a Penguins support group, helping Tim Brown and so many others get over this year’s devastating first round loss. James Stein and Hilary Meyer are the chairpersons of each other’s fan clubs. And Meredith Danberg-Ficharelli and Bryan Welch have invited Robert and “anyone over 6 feet” to something called the Tall trees Society. We’re not sure what that is but apparently it involves a lot of cathedral ceilings.

The only spoiler in this lovefest? Jon Feldman. After scoring a game-winning goal a couple of weeks ago, Jon now believes that this is his breakout season in BTSH. While we applaud the fruition of his six year development plan, this aggression will not stand.

Shut him down, Martin.

Lbs. Inc at Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: I guess this a rivalry because Sascha and Guvs are on different teams, right? Since Jeremy Schumacher had to point out to us that Guvs was still on the Anklebiters roster, we obviously don’t see this as a natural rivalry. But what the hey? Maybe it’s time to start one.

Since we’ve repeatedly commented on the Republican nature of the Lbs., we’re guessing that makes Sascha their Mary Matalin. Sorry G. Nobody want to be James Carville but sometimes we don’t get to pick the parts we play.

Wait, it just dawned on us what this rivalry is really all about. Bar attendance. The GABs are the reigning Ace champs, providing more greater numbers and longer stays than any other team in the league. Witness Phil’s heroic “I may be playing in the 1 pm game but that doesn’t mean I won’t still be at the bar at 7” stance of a couple of weeks back. The LBs. on the other hand are often saloon no shows. While their official story is that they go to their own “bar” (aka the Yale Club), the Whiteshirts made a populist move a couple of weeks ago and showed up en masse to the Ace. Of course, they carefully timed it so that no other team would actually be in the bar when they arrived. Team captain Sascha then loudly protested to the press about the lack of league spirit as she left to catch the Jitney.

We see right through you, former Miss Puritz.

You may beat the Biters in a one goal game but you’ll never fool the ORG.

Dark Rainbows at Gremlins

The Gremlins and the Rainbow. A fairy tale for children and pedophiles alike. By Dr. Byron Clavicle, internationally bestselling author of “99 Things to Do To Your Dog” and “Why Daddy Didn’t Come Home from Bangkok.”

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys:  Once upon a time, in the fairyland of Cruftopia there lived an old enchanter named Gummy Shizzlebottom. He kept Gremlins as pets. There in his humble cottage the Gremlins would help mix potions, dance around and sing Gremlin songs and filch Four Loko from the Cruftopia apothecary. As everybody knows, there’s a bright happy rainbow every night at sunset in Cruftopia.

But one night, there was no rainbow. And the next night there was a Dark Rainbow, casting a fell shadow over the land. The Gremlins were frightened. One of the Gremlins snuck out of his cage and ran to the rainbow’s end. “Oh Dark Rainbow,” he cried, “Why hast thou shadowed our enchanted fairyland?”  The rainbow laughed and crushed the gremlin under its iron boot, and scraped off gooey goopy gremlin goo on the grass. But it wasn’t finished. The Dark Rainbow came and cut up all the other Gremlins and Gummy Shizzlebottom, and several enchanted Gazoos, nine llamas, and a Schnozmonger, and it ate them for breakfast on toast.

The moral of the story: pineapples don’t have sleeves. Dark Rainbows 3-Gremlins 1.

Tompkins Square Riots at Fresh Kills

By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter Eli Kazin

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: While Fresh Kills and the Tompkins Square Riots face off on Sunday as part of “Rivalry Day”, the real competition is the ongoing prank war between the two teams.

Riots defender Scott Townsend made it clear early that he intended to go down in history as prankster prince, but all his early brainstorming session generated was Michelle Bressler’s suggestion of putting snapping turtles in Fresh Kills’ swimming pool and Shane-o DeBlasio’s offering of flushing all of Fresh Kills’ toilets at once. However, Fresh Kills struck first, wrapping up Alex Frenette and Craig Thompson in toilet paper and draping a sign reading “Fresh Kills rules” around Frenette’s neck. Townsend and company retaliated quickly, and in rapid succession he, Bressler, and DeBlasio put superglue on Fresh Kills’ track, pumped helium into their music room, and took their team banner. Fresh Kills countered by covering the Riots locker room in toilet paper and rigged the lockers to shoot out silly string upon being opened.

Riots captain Amy Jones, upon seeing this mess, decided to go to Fresh Kills headquarters and have a meeting with captain Dave Sokolyansky in an attempt to put an end to the prank war. Sokolyansky greeted Jones’ handshake with an electronic hand-buzzer, and the two then debated who started the prank war, with Sokolyansky noting that she put jumping beans in the chili, while Jones countered that he started it by planting poison ivy on the Riots’ football field. The two finally agreed to put an end to the prank war, but Townsend and company disobeyed orders and stole Fresh Kills’ mascot, a live bulldog.

Upping the ante, Townsend sent Fresh Kills a photo with the stolen mascot and the entire Riots team, including Jones, even though she was unaware of the stolen bulldog at the time. Fresh Kills wasted no time in responding, as Nick Hobbs and Nick Scott dressed as Riots players and snuck in to their locker room, absconding with goalie Dave Gil de Rubio, who was inexplicably wearing a tiger suit.

A furious Jones called Sokolyansky, and he offered to give the Riots their goalie and tiger suit back in exchange for the bulldog. As of now, negotiations are still pending, but it would not be a surprise to see Hobbs slip into Gil de Rubio’s tiger suit in an attempt to sabotage the Riots during the game, only to have Townsend pour fire ants down Hobbs’ back, causing him to make one spectacular save after another and lead the Riots to an upset win.

Editor’s Note: We’ll get Eli back on the Ridulin next week.

What the Puck at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Two of BTSH’s oldest franchises meet for the 127^th time (or at least it seems like that) with nothing at stake but their sacred honor. The Redshirts may be in a rebuilding year but Rubens has sworn that “We’re not going to lose to Mr. Met”.

WTP may also have to deal with the uberfan mentality of Anthony “Mr. Percentage” Romeo. His overwhelming loyalty to the Devils may cause him to support the similarly named Demons and pull a no show on Sunday. With over half of his team on leave taking care of “family matters” (wedding planning, bar mitzvahs, starting the Woodsworth/Zimmer charter school), attendance could be an issue for Big Orange.

Look for this one to go to a shootout, with Jeff Kamen scoring the gamewinner on whatever goalie WTP manage to scrounge up.

Cobra Kai at Happy Little Elves

by ORG Reporter at Large Abby Meisterman

Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Perhaps when you see Cobra Kai’s name in “print” you immediately think of Kreese and his motto —  “No mercy!” — as intended. Of course, once I hear that I then think of another wise man who spoke of not granting mercy. Either version applies here as The Dojo, fresh off a strong game last week, will be looking to continue their streak with a third win. However, this Sunday they will face another pop culture reference*, birthday boy Rich (de)Glanzer’s indomitable ego, T-Beau (sharing 9th place in leading goal scorers), and goalie Shaun deLacy’s temper — the latter rivaled only by Cobra Kai goalie, Pete (de)Lang’s own rage. But what this reporter is really worried about is what happens when captains Jenna (de)Cruff and Meredith (de)Sladek face off on which is a lovelier shade of green.

* Can we have some sort of “Cup” competition for this? We’ve the Prestigious Yet Imaginary Fairy-Tale Cup, so why not one that deals with pop culture? There’s this week’s match-up, Sky Fighters, Filthy Gorgeous (NSFW), and the Gremlins (who can play in both)!

Poutine Machine at Mathematics

By Poutine Machine Beat Reporter Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Poutine knocked out Math last year and Math is looking for sweet revenge. Of course can you really get revenge by beating someone in the regular season? (the answer is no)

But this is a big regular season game as the two leaders of the Elly conference butt heads. While Poutine is dominating the Larsen division, Mike Smith and Math leads the way in the Glanzer Division. Smith, known to you dullards as “Hippie” says, “I’m a pretty bad ref, not a good hockey player and I’ve forced my girlfriend to play on the only team we can beat, to make me feel like a man, but otherwise I’m really enjoying sports.”  Yeah, it was a pretty weird quote.

Anyways, the BTSH world is going crazy over Math newcomer Zach Norris. Norris scored four goals last game against Gut Rot and immediately put the rest of BTSH on notice. “You know ever since I’ve come here all I’ve heard about is Craig, Beauclair, Eitel, Bratta and Georgine. None of those players can carry my jockstrap, though Craig has tried.” We at the Org are not surprised.

Smith, Hippie, Zach, Derek and Elly are going to pull off the upset in this one, with a 3-2 victory. Pratt, Zach and Lilly with the goals.

 Butchers at Gut Rot

By ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys:  This is, according to Eli “The Nickname” Kazin, supposed to be “rivalry week.” I ask you: what’s so rivalrous about Butchers v. GutRot? Sure, they may both contain former Mexican Standoffers. And actually, when you name a person, I can never be sure if they play for Gut Rot or Butchers, really. But here’s what I definitely know: Shelly Maasdorp of Gut Rot is the new BTSH “here’s where I would say something like *it girl*.” She’s a force. Scored the sickest goal ever at the charity tournament. And the Butchers, as we know, have Georgine “nuff said” Paulin. So watch this game for that.

La Famiglia at MegaTouch

By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Keys:  In honor of last week’s Hallmark holiday, I thought I’d pepper this La Famiglia / Mega Touch preview with a variety of hockey related “Yo Mama” jokes.  Feel free to use these comedic barbs when taunting opponents over bottles of Miller High Life after this week’s matchups:

“Yo’ Mama is so fat, she doesn’t just block the goal, she blocks oncoming traffic on Avenue A!”

“Yo’ Mama is such a lush, she makes Patrick Kane look sober!”

“Yo’ Mama is so dumb, she writes game previews for the BTSH website!”

Rolling On The Floor Laughing yet?  No???  Try writing some of your own in the comments if you’re so clever.  Onto the preview!

La Famiglia has been running into stiff defensive competition thus far this season, registering a paltry 9 goals in five contests.  Despite this offensive drought, the team remains upbeat, despite losing to the Elves by a score of 5-2 in Week 6.  To show confidence in his team, mainstay Dennis Miciletto has added a tattoo of team captain Dave Ladanyl to his already impressive arm sleeve in a sign of team unity.  On the other side of the court sits Mega Touch, a team that has played very well, despite their last place ranking in the Glanzer division.  Last week’s heartbreaking  2–1 loss to the Hookers serves as a perfect example.  According to unofficial shot counts, Mega Touch goaltender Michael Tuckman faced approximately 157 shots for a save percentage of 99.36%.  Impressive considering Dustin Olson of the Hookers was seen on the sidelines firing hockey balls on goal from a Master Blaster NERF gun.  Expect no such shenanigans this week as two temporary cellar dwellers meet on the blacktop.  Neither team is as bad as their record suggests, so expect a tightly played, low scoring affair.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Happy Little Elves (1-1-0-2) at La Famiglia (1-1-1-1)

By La Famigilia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Notes

When asked about this week’s matchup, Elves co-captain Jenna Cruff growled, smashed a beer bottle against the side of Ace Bar’s Skeeball machine and threatened to slice my jugular.  The adrenaline of her Keebler Kids handing Lbs their first loss in a 6 -1 drubbing was still pumping through her veins.  After receiving medical attention from a homeless man named Bobo, I then asked Alfred Liu how he thought The Family was going to fare in their Week 6 matchup.  In typical Alfred fashion, the La Famiglia captain politely informed me that I was talking to a Pac Man lunchbox in Ace Bar’s collector’s case and should stop drooling on the glass.

As a result of this journalistic disaster, I was unable to gather any pertinent info regarding this matchup.  What I do know is that the Elves are finding their stride on both sides of the ball, spearheaded by Trevor “Two Fist” Beauclair’s offensive return to form. For the Yellow and Red, despite having only four points in as many contests, they are slowly regaining the swagger that made them the toast of the league one year ago.  With the Elves coming off a decisive victory and La Famiglia looking to gain ground in the crowded Brown division, look for a tense matchup on the East courts.  My pick?  4-3 in favor of the Pac Man lunchbox.

Editor’s Note: Even though La Famiglia is Bill’s beat we had to congratulate Jenna’s lovable band of winners on their victory last week. Clearly, if you’re going to have success in BTSH 2012 having a female captain is the way to go.

Watchability: 4 Inkys

What the Puck at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Pity the Riots. After suffering at the hands of Georgine “Fancy Hat” Poulin last week theirbounce back game is against the orange and blue juggernaut of WTP. The Puckers easily handled the SkyFighters last week thanks in no small part to the emotional boost they got from the return of their pal Sal. Mike “Woody” Woodsworth was openly crying with joy at the opportunity to play with a bald Italian again (missed opportunity Bratta. You could have got him to switch to MegaTouch during his moment of weakness). The Riots will have to take their cues from teammate Craig “Mellow Yellow” Thompson  who’s Toronto Maple Leaf like indifference to final scores has made him one of the most reliable players in the league (however, his suggestion of writing a letter of apology to Riots fans after last week’s performance was summarily vetoed by Scott Townsend).

Gremlins at Filthy Gorgeous

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: It’s another grudge match this week as the former FGs go up against their old teammates. The Dirty Prettys know how to handle teams in yellow though. They took down La Famiglia in a shootout last week and they’ve vowed that this week’s result will be even more decisive. However, the Filthys strong early season start has been confusing to new addition Kristen Wise. “I thought we were supposed to lose the first eight games and then peak in the playoffs?” she asked an equally bemused Kamdyn Moore. Perhaps the Gremlins can take advantage of this disarray to get them back on track.

Denim Demons at Lbs. Inc

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: The Demons lost a very close game to their rivals, the Rainbows last week. The Lbs. also lost but their game was not exactly a tight one. Surprising because

a)    The Lbs. have been on a roll.

b)    Shaun DeLaZee claimed that the only voice he could hear the whole game was Jenna Cruff telling him to “Go hard or Go Chadwick”. We don’t know what it means either.

So two teams looking for redemption. Plenty of scoring threats on both sides but you’ve got to think that the LBs. years of playing together will give them the edge in this one.

Gur Rot at Mathematics

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: These are not the 2011 versions of these teams. Math has been the class of their division, thanks in large part to Laura “MacChrisNeal” MacNeil’s bodyguard work for Andy “EagleEye” Pratt.  MacNeil took down the slam sisters last week and now she’s gunning for GutRot enforcer Mary “no relation” Pratt. But the Plus Oners may find this match much more challenging than expected. The Rotters took Poutine Machine to a shootout and played with more passion than Ryan Callahan on St. Patrick’s Day. Expect a tough matchup here.

One more thing. Derek’s new team cheer suggestion, “Math is hard!” may be his most offensive yet.

Rehabs at Gouging Anklebiters

By ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Can I just say something? Something that all of y’all are thinking? The reason that there are so many ties/shoot-outs are because we have morphed into a league of blob-teams who are all at the same level, destined to win in shootouts forever and ever. We could make a horror(ish) movie about it–The Land Where Shutouts Never Happen or Something. Seriously. Look at last week’s recap. There are a lot of freaking shootouts.

Corlears Hookers at MegaTouch

by ORG Reporter at Large Abby Meisterman

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: 

Editor’s Note: We were going to write a post welcoming Abby to the ORG reportng crew but since she’s late with her game preview, so no love for her.

Poutine Machine at Butchers

By Poutine Machine Beat Reporter Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Before I get to my report, I have a bone to pick with  Mrs. Green Card Giver herself, Monica Russo Larsen. Monica said, “Not NEARLY enough has been made of Georgine’s hattrick.” Well Monica, the reason is pretty simple. Georgine was good, but she wasn’t the story or First Star of the week. Humbly speaking, I was. I was like Babe Ruth, Mark Messier, and Joe Namath. I called my shot. I said I would get an assist to Trevor, and I did. I was behind my own net, Karstan stole the ball from me, Shaun made the save, it deflected off of me, went to Trevor and he went around four people for a breakaway goal. Hero. Me, not him. So that’s why no one cares about Georgine’s Chadtrick, because they were too busy congratulating me on my great assist. Now onto the preview.

This is a rematch of last years playoff. Both teams possess a strong defense, excellent goaltending, and a couple of really good scorers. Last season Poutine got a little frazzled, yelling at the refs and not focusing on the game. While I don’t foresee that to be a problem this Sunday, I also don’t foresee a Poutine victory. The Butchers are rolling, giving up only 4 goals in 4 games. I see a tight contest here, but in the end the the firepower of Georgine is too much, as they defeat our heroes 3-1.

BTW, congrats Georgine, that hat trick was pretty awesome and better than my measly assist. But I’ll never admit that publicly. Couldn’t happen to a nicer person. If she paid for one beer last week, the league and especially the Butchers should be ashamed of themselves.

Cobra Kai at Dark Rainbows

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: The Ex-Demons had a big win against the Demons last week but the Dojo also notched a “W” as well. Arguably, the CK victory was more significant as it was their first of the season. This also explains goalie Pete “Mutt” Lang’s sobbing, Rudy-like exclamations of “Oh, thank God” at the Ace Bar after the game. Will both teams fall prey to an emotional letdown? Mike and Abby’s debut of the Dudemeister line may help counteract the Rainbows ennui but Will Kuhn’s rallying cries of “Run like Eric Cantona” may be lost on some of the younger Karate Kids.

Fresh Kills at Sky Fighters

By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter Eli Kazin

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Last week, Fresh Kills salvaged a point with a 3-2 shootout loss to the Corlears Hookers in a big Bratta Division showdown. The star of the day for the defending champions was forward Nick Hobbs, who was the only player to solve Shaun deLacy, netting both goals on Shaun deLacy, the Hookers’ emergency goalie. This week, Fresh Kills draws the Sky Fighters in the Hockey Night In Tompkins national telecast, if that still exists (otherwise, this is a rather nondescript late game). The Sky Fighters have struggled this season, with a 1-2-1 record through four games. Captain Dan Hopper’s greatest concern is his team’s defense, which is tied for the league lead with 15 goals allowed through four games and blew a 4-0 lead against Poutine Machine in Week 3. Hopper attributes his team’s defensive struggles to a combination of a tough opening schedule (LBS, Inc., Happy Little Elves, Poutine Machine, What The Puck) and inconsistent attendance from starting goaltender James Stein, who is preoccupied with his ongoing tour of the world’s airports. These teams faced off twice last season, with the Sky Fighters taking the season series (1-0 win, 1-1 tie), so if the Sky Fighters can find a way to clamp down defensively, Fresh Kills could suffer consecutive losses for the first time since 2010.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Happy Little Elves (0-1-0-2) at Denim Demons(1-2-0)

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Notes

What? A matchup between two Bratta division cellar dwellers is the Game of the Week? Has the ORG lost it already?

Fret not, BTSHers, there’s a lot more to this game than meets the eye. First of all, both these teams are much better than their records indicate. Second of all, they have a long and sometimes bitter history of encountering each other in crucial late season or playoff games. And finally, their Captains are early favorites for the Mike Milbury Intensity award (especially since Pete Putka isn’t a captain any longer). The potential for drama here is extreme.

Keys To The Game:
1. The Elves continuing goaltending controversy. Will Shaun DeLacey return from is contract holdout? Or will the thrill of watching the Flyers score an average of eight goals a game renew his demands to be the Elves new starting center?

2. Is this the week the Demons find their chemistry? They looked great in week 2 but were thoroughly outmatched by an experienced Hookers team that’s plowing through the league right now. Can grizzled veterans Rubens and Tinkelman use their dark arts to bring the team back to the cult like status they’ve enjoyed in seasons past?
3. Will Jeff Kamen’s campaign to have the Demons entered in to this year’s Fairytale Cup competition succeed? Kamen has argued that Demons are mythical creatures too and should be allowed to have a shot at one of ball hockey’s most coveted trophies. If this game turns in to an FT cup qualifier then all bets are off.

Patrick’s Pick: Expect a tight match but this may end up being the first time the Elves win in a shootout this season. The teams stack up pretty evenly talent wise but the Elves experience may give them the edge over a Demons squad that is still learning how to play together.

Watchability: 4 Pitchforks

What the Puck at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Last week’s loss to the Rehabs aside, WTP are starting the season as strong as Larry’s beloved Mets. Which means it’s probably time for the losing to begin in earnest, right? That would be good news for the Dojo who have yet to notch a “W” themselves. Their ruling troika has been huddled all week in an effort to turn things around and desperate times are calling for desperate measures. Rumor has it that team Captain and soccer bigwig Will Kuhns has signed a sponsorship deal with the New York Cosmos franchise. He’s certain that the addition of football legend Pele to the squad will turn their fortunes around. We didn’t have the heart to tell him that Creamy has already ruled the Bicycle Kick Wristshot illegal. Look for WTP to put off their emulation of the ‘Mazins for one more week and get the victory here (although both Mets and Flyers fans will tell you that no one should underestimate the ability of teams in orange to lose games they should win).

Megatouch at Skyfighters

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: On paper this looks like a mismatch. Despite the heroic efforts the ORG has come to expect from the Mega core of Meyer, Katz and other players named after delis, Megatouch  have struggled against upper division teams.

Luckily, paper doesn’t win hockey games. Mega can take advantage of the fact that it’s NHL playoff time to throw Skyfighters Captain Dan Hopper and Goalie James Stein off their game big time. Here is just a sample of the taunts they have prepared for Sunday’s match:

“It’s not your fault. LA’s just a great hockey town.”

“Do you think when one Sedin twin gets a concussion, the other feels it?”

“At least you’re not losing in the finals this time.”

“Nothing good has come out of Vancouver since they stopped shooting the X-Files.”

With the Captain and goalie in a state of mental anguish all they have to do is shut down Martin, Robert and the rest of the Skyfighters lethal offence. Piece of cake, right?

Mathematics at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Mathematics are off to a great start this year but they’re going to need everything they’ve got to stop a Riots team that is plowing through its Glanzer division rivals. So kudos to Captain Derek Tagliarino for proposing to Michelle Doucet in an effort to motivate his team. Telling his fellow players that she’s threatening to call off the engagement if they don’t win may be a strategy that gets old after five or ten games but it should be pretty effective this week. Meanwhile Amy Jones celebrated her recent half-marathon finish by not playing last week. The strategy was so effective that she’s planning to run an ultramarathon this week and not show up at the court at all. If she can pull it off, expect the scoreline on this one to look like last Wednesday’s Penguins-Flyers game.

Rehabs at Dark Rainbows

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Say what you will about the Rehabs they’re a passionate team. And that passion was on full display as they beat arch foes the ex-Rehabs (aka What the Puck) last week. The victory was only marred by Stacy Kehoe’s drunken assault on various BTSH members in the Ace Bar after the game. Only time will tell if this unfortunate incident will prevent Kehoe from winning the Stacy Kehoe award this year. Still, the Rehabs need to beware of a letdown and the Dark Rainbows are just the kind of team to take advantage of any lapse on their part. It’s always a tight game when these two classic franchises battle and the fact that uber Capitals fan Mike and uber Boston fan MDF will be facing off against each other only ups the stakes. The only thing we can guarantee about this game? Rehabs still suck.

Fresh Kills at Poutine Machine

By newly appointed Poutine Beat writer Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: As new Poutine beat writer (later Tuques) last week was a mixed bag. They pulled off a first half stinker as they were down 4-0. As I was walking to the bathroom to puke from watching them leave my man Tim Brown out to dry, I heard Dan Hopper of the Sky Fighters say (and this actually is a true story), “Guys, lets not get sloppy in the 2nd half.” (this ends the true story part) All the Chexkz laughed and scornfully looked at Hopper and started cursing him out in a foreign language, most likely Checkslivoikiaianzxcx. But low and behold Hopper made like the Penguins, gave up the huge lead and Poutine tied it on the strength of their captain Sven scoring a big goal.

This week our heroes go against Fresh Kills, the champions of the league. This game has all the makings of 2-1, and it really depends more on attendance than anything else. Still if everyone shows up, you gots to give the edge to Fresh Kills, since you know, they are the champions. But I’m going to go with a 2-2 tie here. Ariel, you got to come up with a new move vs. Tim. Your move will work vs. any other goalie but Tim, and maybe deLacey. 

Editor’s note: I apologize to my Czech sister-in-law for this one.

Gouging Anklebiters at Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: The new look Puck Puppies face their toughest test yet as they go up against the juggernaut that is the 2012 Corlears Hookers. The good news for Donahue and Co.? They were competitive with the Hookers when they were *ahem* somewhat talent challenged. Yes, the Anklebiters have been the Ottawa Senators to the Hookers New York Rangers (yeah, I went there), a lower ranked team that still found a way to cause their higher ranked opponents conniptions. With all the recent talent that the GABs have acquired, this may their game. Goalie/Captain/Team Chaplain Dustin Olson will have to remember the advice of legendary coach Jeremy Schumacher – “Make sure you cover both Alex and Joe.”

Butchers at Filthy Gorgeous

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Want to beat either of these teams? Set up a mirror on the sidelines. They’re so vain, they probably think this writeup is about them.  Seriously, their pre-season player drafts look like auditions for America’s Next Top Model. This game will probably resemble speed dating more than hockey.

In the end, I’ve got to give the edge on this one to Filthy. Not because Monica is my wife (although that’s a pretty good reason). But because Filthy is deep enough to be friends with the brainy kid who turns out to be super sweet and the one you were looking for all along (Hi, Jean!). The Butchers version of this is Arthur Revechkis, who while being extremely funny is also Russian and not to be trusted. Advantage FG. 

Lbs. Inc at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Gremlins have been one of the early surprises of the season, playing a tight forechecking game that grinds down opponents and then scoring opportunistic, counterpunch goals. They look so much like the 1995 New Jersey Devils that Anthony Romeo has already offered to switch teams twice. They also boast one of the best new uniforms of the year. We publicly wished to see the AMC Gremlin appear on their team shirts and seeing that wish comes true earns them some ORG love (even though Poutine were one of the teams victimized by the aforementioned suffocating defense). We really want to pick them to pull off another upset over ball hockey’s equivalent of Mitt Romney but there’s one big thing working against them – altitude. Lbs. players are on average a foot taller than their Gremlins counterparts and even though we’re playing hockey not basketball, it’s going to make a big difference. After all Sam’s legal windup is about head height for most of the Gizmos. Unless they can bust out some serious platform running shoes to match their ‘70s shirts, this could be a rough one for the Yellow Furies.

La Famiglia at GutRot

Location: Tompkins West 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Speaking of team uniforms what was up with those new shirts La Famiglia debuted last week? Is it a Detroit Red Wings tribute?  A tip of the hat to Denis Miciletto’s mom’s polpi in ulmido recipe? The name of Dave Ladanyi’s new offensive strategy? We’re thoroughly stumped. Meanwhile, Gut Rot are due to debut a new team shirt of their own. It’s been four weeks after all. La Famiglia were the surprise hit of the year in 2011 and while GutRot may not quite meet those marks, they’re a vastly improved team from last year and may surprise the Cosa Nostra. With a late start (always helpful for the Whiskey Warriors) and La Fams own confusion about their new attire, this one could go either way.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Filthy Gorgeous (1-1-0) at Happy Little Elves(0-2-0)

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Notes:It ain’t easy being green. Just ask the Elves who’ve lost in a shootout two games in a row. Most blame the losses on goalie Sean DeLacey who has complained that the lack of the omnipresent shadow thrown off by Ben Chadwick has affected his sensitivity to light. DeLacey has vowed to play this week’s game in vintage 80’s Ray Bans that teammate Gil Valdes used in the early ’80s when he was the world’s highest paid Tom Cruise impersonator.Meanwhile, the Filthy’s are at .500 and team Captain Monica Russo is starting to question the wisdom of a seven player bench. “Matt Novick was complaining about playing time during our last game,” she explained. “But I still want the other team to feel like we’ve got a full roster. So we’re going to try some different things.” Does this explain why your infamous “box of wigs” is missing from our second bedroom, Monica? Look for scoring threats James Perriera and Dana Kravis to go through multiple :Lady GaGa like costume changes during this game.

Keys To The Game:
1. Can Rich Glanzer stay focused on hockey. Or will he spend his time on the sidelines lining up numerous skeeball bets instead of coaching?
2. Suvin Malik and Sunny Mehra have grown tired of the Lawrence Fishburne-Samuel L. Jackson identity confusion that has haunted them in recent seasons. Will Mehra’s decision to get a full face tattoo similar to Mike Tyson’s make him more recognizable and result in increased attention from the Elves defenders?
3. Rumor has it that new co-captain Jenna Cruff is campaigning to change the team name to the “Good looking but weirdly asexual like in LORD OF THE RINGS” Elves. Glanzer has sworn that this agression will not stand. How will the rest of the Elves locker room respond.

Patrick’s Pick: Look for a third shootout loss by the Elves. They’re defense can shut down the FG offense during regulation and Filthy’s short bench makes them prone to giving up late goals. But in the end, FG has the guns to take it in extra innings.
Watchability: 4.0 Chers

Cobra Kai at Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: The dojo are also looking for their first win of the season. And after an impressive season opener, the Anklebiters cooled down a little last week. They also don’t do well in early morning games (yes 1 pm is early morning for the Anklebiters). Cobra Kai have a cool cobra on their shirts. Anklebiters have a cool bulldog on their uniforms. Wouldn’t that be a cool Adult Swim show? Cobra vs. Bulldog? I could see staying up late at night watching a Cobra vs. Bulldog marathon. Then realizing it was 6 am and I had a game in seven hours. Unfortunately, most of the Anklebiters have similar thought processes. So this may be Cobra Kai’s week.

Denim Demons at Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: The Hookers are currently steamrolling opponents while the Demons are shaping up nicely after a tough opening week loss. But are the Devil Worshippers ready for a challenge like the machine that is the Hookers? Sorry Adam but the answer is probably no. Don’t worry though. The Hookers have made the fatal decision of making a goalie their captain. And while we have nothing but love for Dustin “Merlin” Olson this latest development makes the Hookers look more and more like the Vancouver Canucks (the Kearney brothers already eerily resemble the Sedins). So even if the Demons lose this regular season game, they can draw solace in the fact that the Hookers will probably have an epic collapse in the playoffs (Of course, if the Canucks win this year, this whole theory goes out the window).

What The Puck at Rehabs

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: MDF is back! Those three words should throw fear into an otherwise confident WTP team. Buoyed by their recent successes and the Mets’ unlikely strong start, Larry’s Kids were feeling like world beaters until they heard that Danberg-Ficharelli had returned form her secret a martial arts training in Southeast Asia. When we asked her how she had improved her game, Meredith metioned something about a “Flying Dragon slays tiger” shot that she had been working on. We’re not sure if it’s BTSH legal but it is going to make things a lot tougher for the Orangemen this week. larry will need all his proud parents to show up if he wants to defeat a newly dangerous team in black. BTW Rehabs suck.

Butchers at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Rachel Greene is back! While she tends to inspire hugs more than the furtive stares that her travel companion/bodyguard MDF does, Greene is the heart and soul of a Butchers team that has performed well in her absence but lacked its characteristic joie de vivre (of course that may also be due to the fact that Ben Bloom crossed three time zones to play in their last game). The Gremlins upset Poutine Machine two weeks ago with a tenacious D that will make things tough for the Butcher goal scorers. But they’ll have to be perfect to shut down Bloom and Revechkis and a Meatpackers squad that is famous for late goals in tight games. If they’re not, don’t be surprised to hear Georgine “the Animal” Poulin asking “I wonder what Gremlin meat tastes like?”

La Famiglia at Mathematics

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: On paper these teams have had almost equal starts. But statistics don’t tell the whole story. La Famiglia are under pressure to prove that their Cinderella season last year was no fluke. Team Captain Dave Ladanyi’s repeated threats of leg breakings and “trips to the Pine Barrens” may be working short term but we wonder how long he can keep his crew in line. Meanwhile, Mathematics are approaching the season like tenured professors, comfortable where they are but still capable of a few surprises. Math put a scare in to the Butchers last week and almost stole a game from them. Don’t be surprised to see them put in a similar performance against the Gofathers (and maybe even grab a W)

Gut Rot at LBS, Inc.

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Gut Rot have improved their talent base tremendously this season. But now they come up against a real test. Lbs. have been impressive in their first two games and that’s without their traditional 1-2 scoring punch of Ken and Karsten. Meanwhile Peaches and Tommy return to the team they built but have not really gelled with (at least on the court) this season. How will their addition affect team chemistry? Altering chemistry is something Jeff “Rambo” Hendricks is famous for and as BTSH tradionalists we were excited to hear that he is offering to make one female Lbs. player the “Molly” this Sunday morning. The lucky recipient will be taken out for a sumptuous brunch by Peaches complete with all the mimosas they can drink. They will then be invited to vomit on the sidelines before the second half of the game, restoring a ritual that used to be a staple when these two clubs met. Kudos to Jeff for respecting league history.

Dark Rainbows at Fresh Kills

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Keys:If the theme of the week is steamrollers then there are none bigger and badder than Fresh Kills right now. Sokol and squad have picked up where they left off last season, outplaying good clubs and looking like the ’80s Soviet teams on which Dave has patterned his squad. All seems good in the United Socialist Republic of Kills. But here come the Rainbows with their tie dye shirts, headbands and groovy chicks. You can almost see the cracks starting to form in the Kills tightly run regime. Will peace an love be more attractive than the ruthless pursuit of perfection for the FKers? Will Abby Meisterman’s suggestion that the teams replace the game with a series of group hugs gain traction? Sean Reynolds may have finally found the key to beating the leagues reigning champions. Rock and Roll and cheap Levis.

Poutine Machine at Sky Fighters

Location: Tompkins West 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Screw editorial integrity. Poutine rules, Skyfighters drool.

Mega Touch at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins East 5:30 PM

Game Keys: How seriously are the Riots taking this season? Team captain Amy Jones was seen running … yes, running … in an organized race in Central Park last Saturday morning.WTF? This is not your 2011 Riots squad. They seem to be able to score at will and  goalie Mike “the Littlest Goalie” Tuckman has got his work cut out for him. But Megatouch captain Julie Katz is employing a unique coaching strategy this week, a modified seder plate that teaches the history of Megatouch and the basics of the left wing lock. The horseradish stands for the bitterness of defeat. If she can effectively get the lesson across to the emnschs on her team, it may be the Riots who ask “Why is this game unlike any other game?”

GAME OF THE WEEK

Gouging Anklebiters (0-0-0) at Gremlins aka “Not the Unicorns”(0-0-0)

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

All-Time Series: First Meeting

Game Notes: Is it just coincidence that the two teams involved in the biggest roster change of the off-season meet in the first week? Obviously not, since Lazer and Blazer were well aware of the turmoil in the ranks of “Not the Unicorns” prior to putting together the 2012 schedule. Some may call it a blatant attempt to promote a rivalry. But the ORG knows that the bad blood between these teams doesn’t need any stoking.

Coco is already concealing razor blades in her hockey gloves and Craig “Black Jacques” Lacombe has refused to shower for two weeks. On the other side of the coin, Jon Rick has authored a philosophical paper on the inherent immorality of being an Anklebiter and Caitlin Ervin is offering free counseling to what she calls “Biter Widows”, ex-girlfriend and boyfriends of the team who have lost their significant others to the overwhelming force that is the Biters social schedule.. Caitlin and Jon know they have to take the high road. They know neither of them would stand a chance against Amy Barrett in an arm wrestling contest.

Keys To The Game:
1. If (as rumored) “Not the Unicorns” new team shirts feature an AMC Gremlin, Anklebiters Captain Phil Donohue is willing to conced the game on “account of sheer awesomeness).
2. The Gremlins should not forget about Alex D. who is as dangerous an offensive threat as the newly acquired Joe P. This game note is brought to you by Jeremy Schumacher. Thanks, Schuie!
3. If a Gremlin’s player asks you for water, DO NOT give it to them. Also, don’t feed them after midnight.

Patrick’s Pick: It’s the new look Anklebiters game to lose.
Watchability: 4.5 Snapping jaws. Gnash, gnash, gnash.

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Will the Hookers be distracted by their recent well documented legal problems? Will Jenna Cruff and Rich Glanzer really be able to co-manage a team? One thing is for sure. Ben Chadwick is tall

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Rehabs will be without their Captain, Meredith Danberg -Ficarelli who is currently on a goodwill tour of Southeast Asia. Now that everyone knows who they are, will Shafiq “Corey” Perry and Dennis “the Mick” Miciletto still be able to light up oooposing defences? One thing is for sure. Stacy Kehoe is tall. Also, Rehabs suck.

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: News that KHL games are going to be played at Brookln’s Barclay Center next year (no lie!) may see the Skyfighter’s Eastern European core playing extra hard to impress the scouts. Meanwhile, LBs. are grappling with their annual dilemma of whether it’s ok to wear white before Memorial Day. Reality Check Sascha – it’s not. Time to bust out those madras alternate jerseys that you’ve been pushing for during the last few team meetings. After all, Skyfighters have about six different alternate shirts. Also, rumor has it that James Stein is a good goalie. You may want to have Karsten camp out at the top of the crease even more than usual.

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: The rematch of last year’s championship. The Zimm has had a horrible off season, troubled by the Mets financial woes and haunted by images of a giant Hot Dog taking away everything he’s ever wanted. It will be a welcome relief for him and his teammates to finally play some hockey. Meanwhile, Dave Sokol is still waiting for his invitation from the White House (and worried that Patrick Barch’s radical right wing political views may have queered the deal somehow). Look for another close game from these two teams (presuming a Wiggles marathon doesn’t devastate the WTP roster).

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Despite the much publicized roster turnovers on both teams, there are still enough core players to maintain the years long emnity between these franchises. The Demons knocked Filthy out of the playoffs last year and you can be sure the Dirty pretties are looking for some payback. Both teams have great goaltending and both teams can score. But the solidness of the Filthy D (anchored by Jean “most underrated Dman in the league” Hebert and the returning Becky Novick) and the still evolving chemistry of the double D’s roster makes me think the Filthies have the edge in this one.

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Two of the hardest working teams square off in a battle of grey vs. grey (or is that gray?). There’s no doubt that Megatouch plays with as much passion as any team in the league. And on any given Sunday, that can be enough to win them the game. But if Math comes in with their full roster (which they most likely will) they simply have more talent than the Megas. Add to that the added incentive of playing in the Glanzer division and you know Lazer and Blazer will get the troops fired up. Advantage Math but expect another very close game from two teams that will be battling for the division lead all season.

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: If this was 2011, we would have called this one the “Apathy Bowl”. Both teams suffered from a distinct lack of passion last year. But roster changes, new coaching philosophies and the fact that this game is late enough for Gut Rot to shake off most of their inevitable hangover make this year a different story. Both teams are out to prove that this year’s models are not an easy 2 points (a reputation that GR especially doesn’t deserve. They were probably in more one goal games than any other team last year). With the addition of new players Matt “Makin’ It” Workman and Liza Watts (who has arranged for Allen’s Coffee Brandy to sponsor her team) Gut Rot are even more competitive. In a countering move, Amy Jones has promised homemade lutefisk to Patrick Blohme and the rest of her team. Needless to say, motivation will not be an issue for this one.

Game Keys: Journalistic integrity prevents me from writing much about this one. I’ll just say that the games were very competitive when these two teams played last year. Expect another close one this weekend. Also, watch out for Mike “the House” Haas who found his scoring touch playing ice hockey in the off season. He could be one of the breakout offensive players of the year.

Location: Tompkins West 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Too many storylines this year, folks. If not for the Anklebiters/Gremlins matchup this would surely have been game of the week. Why? One word and it rhymes with SoCo & Lime (almost). Yes, Showtime is back folks. And the Rainbows are debuting an all-new jersey. On a hockey level, I expect the rock steady Butchers lineup to live up to their name and make lunch meat out of Sean Reynolds gutsy but hastily assembled Rainbows squad. But for sheer entertainment value nothing is going to beat this game.