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GAME OF THE WEEK

We don’t trot out the ‘GAME OF THE WEEK” marquee much these days but if there was ever a game this season that deserved that nomenclature, this is it. The Kills are on a quest to make BTSH history. But the Hookers know better than anyone that regular season results don’t guarantee championships. That being said the Purple People Eaters have posted a pretty impressive regular season record themselves.

This game features some of the most talented players in the league, including the French Canadian phenoms Gabe Chenard-Poirier and Danilo Biagioni. I think those two guys have more goals than all of Poutine Machine, Cobra Kai and the Riots. They’re just that good. Kills also bring the blazing speed of Scott Lee and the soft hands of Ariel Imas, while the Hookers counter with two of the best playmakers in the league, Gavin Kearney and Jason Eitel (remember him?).

So how do the Hookers manage to take down Sokol’s Fresh ‘n Tasty’s? As usual, it’s going to be up to the women to do the heavy lifting. With all due respect to Alice, Natasha, Sarah and the rest of the Lady Kills, there is no better 1-2 of female players in the league than Tiffany Hagge and Sarah Newnam. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find a better 1-2 combo period. Sarah’s hasn’t been around much lately but Tiffany has proven more than capable of carrying the load by herself, scoring at least a goal a game on average and being a gamebreaker for the Happy Hookers on more than one occasion. Smart Captains realize that BTSH is a co-ed league. And right now no team has a better combination of male and female talent than the Purple Puckchasers.

We’re going out on a limb here and not only picking the Hookers to win this game but also the whole kit and kaboodle. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2013 BTSH Champs, the Corlears Hookers.

Editor’s Note: I’ve obviously been doing this for too long. I just wrote a game preview where I only said nice things about the Hookers. Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

Poutine Machine at Sky Fighters
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

This may seem like a run of the mill game but there’s a lot of stake here for both squads. After some mid-season retooling, the formerly winless Poutiners are 2-1 in their last three games. They also barely lost to the defending champions LBs last week,  bowing out 2-1 after leading much of the game 1-0. Here’s where the storyline gets even more interesting. the ref in that game was Dan Hopper. 

Was Hopper secretly scouting the game in preparation for this weeks matchup (it might have explained some of the calls he made #justkiddingref #getoffmybackBill)? Is that why he placed an emergency long distance call to the Czech Republic and summoned Martin and Robert back from the beerhalls of Praha? Or is this all purely coincidence?

There’s no question that the SkyFighters have had a streaky season. Early in the year they looked like Worldbeaters. But a mid-season swoon due to tougher games and shorter benches has many wondering who the real SkyFighters are. With his roster full again and James Stein looking to secure a spot on the Canadian Olympic team, this could be the time for the Cloud Piunchers to turn it off and start to round in to playoff form.

No predictions for this one. Whichever goaltender brings it on the day will carry his team to victory.

What the Puck at LBs Inc.
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Eli “Man of Few Words” Kazin

Editor’s Note: With the thermometer pushing 100 degrees, we asked our correspondents to find out how BTSH Captains were beating the heat. Some responded with their full investigative and journalistic skills. Others were Rich Glanzer.

Corlears Hookers at Filthy Gorgeous
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

When teams meet each other as often as these two do, “heated” rivalries almost always develop. Think Avalanche-Red Wings in the early 2000’s. Rangers-Islanders in the early ’80s. Or Adriano Bratta and Denis Miceletto this season (who will win the coveted title of “Il Marcatore”?). Yes, familiarity breeds contempt. And so does hot as balls weather. So how will these teams keep their cool.

For the Hookers, it’s all about managing the bench. Think it’s a coincidence that Peter Putka and Al Huang are on “vacation”? That Jackie Spiegel is “injured”. No way, man. Dustin knows that his passion players are needed for the playoff push and he doesn’t need any ref trouble on the books. Instead, cooler heads  will prevail. Anshu Sinha has been tasked with keeping remaining trouble spots Jason Eitel and Gavin Kearney in line, repeating the mantra “Go to your happy place” whenever either of her linemates misses a shot. And Olson has also kept the existence of the “Il Marcatore” title from Danilo Biagioni. He’s seen what happens when Italians compete for a trophy in summer heat. They may not be playing the Kills (who are slowly transforming in to the new Quebec City franchise) but with French phenom Jean Hebert patrolling the blueline for Filthy it’s best not to take chances. No one wants another “Zidane incident”.

Filthy has suffered from short benches lately so Monica Russo’s strategy for this week is to draft any available players she can find courtside. Unfortunately, this is a 1 pm game. is this the week that the famed Tompkins Square Saxophone Player finally makes his BTSH debut?

Sorry to tell the players this but this game could easily go in to OT. Expect a rerun of last week and a 4-3 shootout win for the Hookers.

Butchers at Gremlins
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West

Remember that book that came out a few years back? 100 WAYS TO WEAR A T-SHIRT? I’m not sure if that was the exact title or not. But if the authors were planning a sequel, I would suggest they attend this game. 

One would expect the Butchers to be fashionistas. Between Ben Bloom’s manufacturing connections, Rachel Greene’s Brooks Brothers heritage and Creamy’s five years working in a t-shirt shop on the Sea Isle City Boardwalk, this team knows their way around activewear. But the Gremlins match them in style and diversity. So this game won’t be so much about winning as it will be about “who wore it best?”  

With Mega Touch already having appropriate the jort style, I’m expecting the Butchers to debut their new “sarong” look. Hey, Beckham tried it! And it can’t be any more *ahem* fashion forward than the shorts Ben wore last week.

The Gremlins will probably counter with another vintage look. Caitlin has been trying to sell the rest of the team on multi-colored sport skirts for years. But we think Iannis’ daring revival of the shirt suit will actually become their look of choice:

It’s a ballsy choice. And that kind of chutzpah is going to deliver a 3-1 victory for the Grems.

Rehabs at Mathematics
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Monica “Runnin’ Through the Sprinklers” Russo

Apparently the heat made me channel Adriano “Seriously Leave Me Alone My Feet Hurt” Bratta. 

Fresh Kills at Happy Little Elves
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

Forget the heat for a second (it’s less of a factor for the 5:30 games and nobody wants to picture a sweaty Patrick Moore). This game is all about master and student.

The Master? Dave Sokol. The student? Rich Glanzer. After somehow backing his way in to a BTSH championship in 2010, Glanzer has watched the Kills take away his title and then make another finals appearance last year. Meanwhile, the Elves have suffered early playoff exits.

So this year Glanzer’s mantra has been WWBDD (“What would Big Dave Do?”). He’s tried recruiting Russian players (get well soon, Boris). He’s tried recruiting guys named Scott. He’s tried building the whole offense around a scrappy female player (that didn’t worrk but we’re looking forward to seeing a few Jenna Cruff-Alice Bertoni battles in this game). But finally, Rich uncovered the Kills secret to success.

Get the ball to the French Canadian. 

Trevor Beauclair may not sound like a Pepsi drinking, Joe Luis eating son of the Saginaw but trust us, there’s maple syrup in his blood. And for the Elves to stand a chance against Gabe Chenard-Poirier and that other good Quebecois guy, T-Beau better have a double helping of tortiere for lunch.

It’s a strategy that could work but the odds aren’t in the Elves favor. The Kills have two Quebeckers while the Elves are placing their hopes on a 2nd generation (at least) Acadian.

Ready to talk about that Joann Provencher trade yet, Rich?

Editor’s Note: With the thermometer pushing 100 degrees, we asked our correspondents to find out how BTSH Captains were beating the heat. Some responded with their full investigative and journalistic skills. Others were Rich Glanzer.

Lbs. at Poutine Machine
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Rich “Twitter King” Glanzer

I’m going to be insubordinate and instead of my theme being how do they beat the heat, I’m going to talk about a movie with Jim Belushi that I once saw. He’s a fine actor afterall. You have to see Real Men. Its awesome. The movie I’m referring to is not Real Men and its not awesome, but its still good cinema. 

Editor’s Note: With the NHL trading season in full swing, we asked our correspondents to grill their sources for news of impending deals in BTSH. Who’s most likely to be traded? Who’s getting a long term contract extension? And is it true that Peaches has sold the naming rights for Gut Rot to Franzia? “Box Wine” doesn’t pack quite the power of “Gut Rot” but according to our sources, it and several other big changes are looming in the league’s future.

Sky Fighters at Mathematics
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

The Mathletes roll in to this contest with a strong performance in the first half of the season. But how will they cope with the loss of heart and soul player Andy Pratt? Does Zach have any cousins? While the Norris strategy has paid dividends so far, it may be a well that Derek can’t go back to that often. Instead, look for him to make a play for La Famiglia’s Dr. Alfred Liu, a solid second line scorer. While Liu hadn’t really considered leaving the Paisano’s, the offer of being able to put his own equation on the Math’s third jersey may prove too tempting.

Meanwhile, Dan Hopper has received an ultimatum from keeper James Stein. Apparently Rammstein feels that he can’t play to the best of his ability without a goalie controversy. Hops is looking to create some trouble by targeting WTP’s Anthony Romeo (who’s reportedly unhappy with Corey Winters getting so many starts for the Orange Crush). He’s also asked Robert Kucera to scour the Czech leagues for any hot young goaltending prospects. That may not work out so well since Kuci’s last callup (a kid named Felix from the St. Bernard’s system) was tossed out of the league when they found out he was only seven years old.

Expect Math to pounce on the Fighters locker room calmness and post a 4-3 OT victory.

Gremlins at Corlears Hookers
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square East

Gremlins Captain Ryan Mills would be at the center of a lot of wheeling and dealing, except for one small thing. He really doesn’t have anyone to trade. With Luke “Ice” Berg still injured and Jon Rick’s appearances less frequent than a legitimate Rich Glanzer scoring chance, Mills is down to just 12 skaters. His hottest property is goalie Jamie “We’re going to need a bigger jersey” Batuwantudawe. But JB has hurt his tradability by playing for every other team in the league anyway. Like my mom used to say, “Why buy the cow, when you can get his 1.00 GAA for free?” Love ya, Mom.
Unless a contender is looking to pick up Caitlin Ervin or Mark MacAdam for a playoff run, expect Mills’ phone to not be ringing anytime soon.

The Hookers’ should also be sitting tight when it comes to deals. The brutal Hookers initiation process (a combination of Freemason rituals, Special Forces testing and Alpha Alpha Alpha hazing) tends to scare away any but the most extreme candidates. With Jackie Spiegel on the IR, the Hookers might have an opening for one more female player. Maybe that’s why Joann Provencher has been signing up for Spartan races lately? She’s always dreamed of wearing that “CH” logo.

As for the game, sorry JB but even you can’t stop 72 shots. Which is what the Hookers have been averaging per game this season. 4-0 for the Montreal Marauders.

Tompkins Square Riots at Gouging Anklebiters
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Bill “Dr. Love” Tucker

As the BTSH season winds its serpentine path through the heart of summer, the thoughts of competitive teams turn to bolstering rosters.  In the case of Riots / Biters, you have two teams on opposite end of the standings but right in line where it counts.  Good times while playing hockey.  While I realize I sound like a broken record, screw it.  That’s what counts in the end. 

While most of our writing staff may ponder how well Trevor Beauclair would look on the Hookers or if Poutine blue would clash with Alex Myer’s striped socks, I’m taking a different route.  Both these teams are die hard families and would never trade players willy-nilly.  Instead, they would swap nonsense and intangibles.  Amy Jones’ boundless enthusiasm for Courtney’s affable good nature.  Gouging’s bloody foot costume for a quilt made from old Riots jerseys.  Zach’s epic ‘stache for Craig Thompson’s golden grin.  Regardless of the score, there’s a ton to love about these two teams.  Expect a good time game this coming Sunday.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins’ Official Prediction:  Bill, you sentimental fool!  The obvious exchange would be Fredrick Lund Hansen for Joe P’s Sunday Funday shirt.  Incredible name for wondrous garment.  Anything less would be less than fitting for these two powerhouses.  Hot weather can wilt the mightiest of teams, making this game more of a toss-up than the standings suggest.  Still, I have to mark it 4 -2 in favor of the Jolly Joe P’s.