Week 1 Previews
March 22nd, 2013
Welcome to the 2013 Season, BTSHers!
With the transition from Adriano “I’m So Outta Here” Bratta to Tim “What Have I Got Myself In To?” Brown, we start a new chapter in the league’s history. In addition to Tim, we’ve got a new head ref (hi Bill!), a new commitment to the ACE bar (see you there tonight) and a brand, spanking-new website design (more on that later).
But that doesn’t mean everything has changed. We’ll still be bringing you weekly previews and Team Previews (starting April 1st) as usual. But with all the regime change taking place, a number of Captains have taken advantage of the confusion. They’re plotting Machievellan trades, rule changes, and other schemes in an effort to give themselves the X factor that will secure them the coveted PBR cup. Our reporters are working tirelessly to get the inside scoop on all these back-room deals. In the meantime, we’ll share what little we know in this weeks game previews …
Gut Rot at Gremlins
East- 12:00 PM
The questions start here: What color will Gut Rot wear for their inaugural game? Will Gutrot Captain Jeff “Peaches” Hendricks wear clothes at all? And is it true that Bill Tucker will be singing a mix of gospel and jazz favorites to get his team going before every game? Is that why the ubiquitous TSP saxophone player has been joined by a trumpet guy, Bill? Also, who’s on the Gremlins this year? So many questions.
Corlears Hookers at What The Puck
West- 12:00 PM
Hookers Goalie Dustin had the line of the year at last week’s Captain’s meeting: “As everyone on the Hookers knows, how you do in the regular season has no impact on the playoffs.” Expect the baby Habs to phone it in for the first 16 weeks or so before coming on strong in week 17 and making a major push in the playoffs. In the meantime, if their numbers look thin this week, it’s probably because they’re busy winning another Moffo championship. With BTSH Daycare still not in place, WTP may also struggle with attendance. With the Circus at the Barclay’s center expect Michelle and Romeo to have to play this one pretty much on their own.
Gouging Anklebiters at Rehabs
East- 1:00 PM
Interesting matchup here as the Anklebiters go up a division and the Rehabs slide down one. Rumor has it that the Anklebiters lost a lot of their female players in the off-season. But they’ve still retained the offensive core and strong goaltending that won them a division title last year. Meanwhile, the Rehabs finished the 2012 regular season strong. Playing in a lower division may be just the ticket to restore their confidence and return them to their former status as one of the most feared teams in the league. And Kehoe has to graduate college at some point, right?
Mathematics at Dark Rainbows
West- 1:00 PM
Something happened to Math in the off-season. Apparently every player on their team now has the last name Norris. There are three theories about this:
1) Team Captain Derek has spent a fortune on genetic engineering and cloned last year’s Rookie-of-the-Year winner Zack Norris. 2) Zack is actually part of the cast of the new TLC show “Nineteen Norrises and Counting.”
3) It’s a Ramones-type-thing designed to confuse referees and opponents.
Longtime Math stalwart Andy “Pratt” Norris has already debunked the last theory. Expect none of this to phase the Rainbows who have rebounded from last year’s rebuilding phase and are continuing to bring a mix of Zen and 70’s era Soviet hockey to the League.
Denim Demons at Poutine Machine
East- 2:00 PM
Speaking of rebuilding, last year started off in chaos for Demons Captain Adam Rubens. But as the regular season wound down, it was clear that he’s whipped his raw recruits in to a side to be reckoned with. This year, it’s Poutine that’s facing rebuilding issues, with five new players on the roster and veterans like Dave “Pags” Paglia and Dave “Special L” Kucharsky moving on to other locales. Expect Poutine to be figuring out who is the gravy and who is the cheese curds for much of this game.
Filthy Gorgeous at Happy Little Elves
West- 2:00 PM
There’s a surprising amount of enmity between these two teams. For the Filthys, it comes down to the fact that the Elves stole Filthy’s signature neon green color scheme when they formed their team. Sure, FG had retired that particular look at the time. But, as the fashionistas of FG know, every look comes back in style eventually. Meanwhile, the Elves seem to dislike Filthy for some other mysterious reason. We can’t really talk about it here but a look at previous season’s game results might provide a clue …
Cobra Kai at Butchers
East- 3:30 PM
The good news for the dojo is star player Rem is finally healthy. Is he the Andrei Markov type player that turns the Kais from last year’s Habs to this year’s version? We’re not sure. But we do know the Butchers won’t care. Half of them are probably still on a ski trip somewhere.
Fresh Kills at LBS, Inc.
West- 3:30 PM
After coming up short in the Finals, Captain Dave Soko was a major player in the bidding for free agent Alexander Semin. But after failing to convince Sasha that even an NYC street hockey team was better than playing hockey in Carolina, the Czar decided to stick with the same lineup that has won him two championships in three years. It’s not a bad strategy, given that the average age of his players his 25 (when calculating medians Scott Lee and Kevin Foster pretty much cancel each other out). Lbs. seem to be pursuing the same strategy but their average age might be tracking a little bit higher. Still, they’re the defending champs and should be able to give the Kills kids a game. Just make sure to have plenty of ICY HOT available after the game, ok, Ken?
Mega Touch at Tompkins Square Riots
East- 4:30 PM
AKA the Mellow Bowl. Two of the chillest teams in BTSH go head to head in a game that numerous commentators have described as “That should be nice.” Will shedding the responsibilities of league commissioner bring new life to Adriano “It’s Not My Problem Anymore” Bratta’s offensive game? It’s unclear at press time. But if he yells “You need to talk to Timmy!’ after his first goal, opposing teams should be worried.
La Famiglia at Sky Fighters
West-4:30 PM
After selling his multiple DVR solution to the Dish network, Skyfighters Captain Dan has vowed to use the money to return the Sky Fighters to championship status. Whether that means going on a free-agent spending spree or simply purchasing Czech language lessons for the rest of the team is unclear. Sky Fighters may have an army of talented players, but Famiglia has a Dennis. And if THE AVENGERS has taught us nothing, we should at least know how this one will turn out.
The History of the *once* Prestigious, *almost* always imaginary, Fairy Tale Cup
March 21st, 2013
Editor’s Note: As we embark on another BTSH season we couldn’t help noticing that something seems to have been forgotten. We asked League curmudgeon Rich Glanzer to give all you newcomers a little history of the now legendary Fairy Tale Cup.
Nothing symbolizes the Modern Day Era of BTSH like the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup. The sordid brainchild of Derek and Elly, the Fairy Tale Cup was created in 2008, and pitted the Dark Rainbows, Unicorns and Happy Little Elves against each other in a triangular series. The team with the best winning percentage would be deemed the Fairy Tale Cup champions.
2008
The Unicorns shocked the BTSH world when they defeated the defending champion Dark Rainbows, but they barely squeaked by the Elves 5-0 to capture the coveted Cup. Much like the first Super Bowl, no one realized the significance of this victory at the time.
*Significant Elves moment: The 5-0 loss led to a team mutiny against each other and the Elves actually played significantly better after the mutiny. Though they still lost every game.
2009
Controversy erupted when all three teams went 1-1. But since the Elves had the best goal differential (thanks to a 3-0 drubbing over the Unicorns), the whole league felt the Elves were the new champs. Elly explains what happened: “The Elves had lost for more than a full calendar year. We really wanted to keep the FTC prestigious, but we couldn’t let a bunch of jobbers like the Elves hold onto the strap. So we just sorta said ‘let the Unicorns keep it’.” Derek added, “The Rainbows couldn’t care less, because they didn’t even know what the Fairy Tale Cup was. No one did except us, Glanzer a few Elves, and (Craig) LaCombe. LaCombe bought Elly and me a can of PBR (which we split), so we decided to let the Uni’s keep it. It was the right thing to do.”
*Significant Elves moment: Elly was right, the Elves’ victory over the Unicorns was their first victory since their inaugural game in 2008. True story (and this is actually true): its the first time I ever met Suz, and when she found out it was our first victory in more than a year, she was like, “Oh that’s horrible. I feel so much worse I lost to you!”
2010
More controversy erupted in 2010 for the FTC. After the Elves whined for a year about how Derek & Elly screwed them, the whole league started to take notice. Well…all except the Unicorns and Dark Rainbows, they still had no idea what the FTC was. The BTSH Universe and specifically every Elf (except for Glanzer) was in shock when, with Glanzer in net, the HLE outplayed LaCombe and beat the Unicorns almost singlehandedly 3-2. However Craig got his revenge by poisoning John Meyer and forcing the Rainbows to use Craig against the Elves. With the chance to finally win the coveted FTC, the Elves gave up 4 straight goals and lost 5-4. This set up a winner-take-all match between the Rainbows and Unicorns which the Dark Rainbows won. http://www.btsh.org/bruise/
*Significant Elves moment: The Elves would go on to win the consolation prize the BTSH Championship, but no one from the Elves ever talks about that.
2011
After winning the Barnacle Bowl (worst Derek/Elly creation ever…it pits the Elves against Cobra Kai) and the BTSH Championship, the Elves had a chance to go for BTSH’s Triple Crown. After beating the Unicorns, the Elves faced the Rainbows in another winner-take-all FTC matchup. Fearing a 2009-style screwjob, Glanzer recruited Elly to coach the Elves. With Elly leading the charge, the Elves defeated the Rainbows and won their first FTC. They are the only team in the history of BTSH to hold at the same time the BTSH Championship, the Barnacle Bowl and of course the FTC.
*Significant Elves moment: Ben always claimed the FTC was ‘maginary, and not imaginary. So he got some bowl and claimed it was the FTC. Elves are not smart people so we all believed him and carried it around Ace bar and got really drunk. It was fun.
2012
The Unicorns disbanded and changed their name to the Gremlins, the Dark Rainbows only had 7 returning players (and only Josh Wilson knew what the FTC was), and the Elves stopped caring once they won. Derek and Elly rearranged the schedule so the Elves would play the Gremlins and Dark Rainbows again (sad but true), and the Elves won both games easily. The only other win the Elves had in all of 2012 was against the Lbs., who simply are just not good, and I don’t know how the rest of you let them win the BTSH Championship. I mean did Carston pay off Eitel and Soko?
*Significant Elves moment: Luisa finally got her BTSH glory. After losing in the Barnacle Bowl (while she was with Cobra Kai) and the FTC (while she was with the Dark Rainbows) in 2011, Luisa finally got to taste glory. Except by this point, there was absolutely no glory since the Elves ruined it.
2013
The FTC will for the third year in a row reside in Elf-land, as they do not play the D.R. or Gremlins. Its a sad end, to a great career for the once prestigious, once imaginary, Fairy Tale Cup.
We are the ORG!
March 14th, 2013
As we enter a new season and prepare for a new (semi-serious) round of team previews, the ORG thought it would take a moment to clarify exactly who is responsible for what around here.
Since Derek and Eli were the face of the press in the league for so many years, many folks still think that they control the site and it’s content. This actually hasn’t been the case for over a year now. Last season, Eli graciously covered the Fresh Kills beat for us. And Derek helped out with boxscores and stats. But both members of the Ambiguously Straight Duo enjoyed a well earned rest from their editorial duties.
As one of our most prolific staff writers, Rich Glanzer has also been associated with almost all the content on the site at some point. But Rich is also not the main culprit here. We have to confess that we’re a bit saddened that many readers can’t distinguish Rich’s unique style of prose from the rest of the ORG’s content but such is the writing life.
Running the BTSH website and producing fresh content for 24 weeks is a huge job and no one person can do it alone. That’s why the ORG is extremely grateful to Derek, Eli and Rich and our other correspondents, Abby Meisterman, Bill Tucker and Monica Russo. Each one of them has generously given their time to keep their fellow BTSHers informed and entertained. We’re very careful to credit anyone who contributes to the site so if you see their byline on a piece, that means that person wrote the content in the article.
If you don’t see a byline or credit then the post/article/insult about your team’s lame cheer/compliment on your team’s choice of mascot was written by the ORG aka Sven Patrick Larsen. I’ll abandon the editorial “we” for a moment and explain that I’m also responsible for the BTSH.org site redesign. So if you have any complaints, comments or suggestions about the site, please send them my way. You can find my email on the League executive page elsewhere on the site.
We should also mention that Tim (and Adriano) before him do not exercise any editorial control over the site. So he is normally seeing content at the same time as general league membership. As mentioned earlier, the primary purpose of this site (and the league) is fun. So if you feel we’ve crossed the line with a joke or comment or there’s something you would prefer your Mom or employer not see, just let us know. The ORG is all about keeping our readership happy.
So make sure to save your kind words and brickbats about BTSH’s digital presence for the aforementioned Patrick Larsen instead of Tim, Derek, Eli, or Rich. Trust us, you’ll have plenty of other opportunities to give those guys a hard time!
Free Agents, Free Sticks, Free Chance to Email Showtime
March 13th, 2013
Get your St. Patrick’s Day drinking in on Saturday night folks. March 17th marks the official beginning of the BTSH season with our traditional free agent scrimmage.
If you’re a player looking for a team, come on down and scrimmage at Tompkins Square Park from Noon to 6 pm. Make sure you wear a red shirt so Captains know you’re looking for a team. And if you’re a Captain looking to fill a few holes in your roster, make sure you get there early to check out the talent.
We’ll have goalies all day (You know who you are. Stay in touch with Hector for updates).
League commissioner and scarp timber baron Tim Brown will also be cleaning out the bucket of sticks at ACE bar. You will only have this week and next week to reclaim any property you left at ACE before Tim donates it to needy hockey orphans (And come on people, if you’ve been letting the bartenders at ACE hold on to your stinky gloves since last October, it’s time to step up and own your funk!).
So come on out and meet some new hockey buddies this Sunday! Good luck to all the Captains and free agents as they look to assemble the winning roster for what is sure to be BTSH’s most competitive (and fun) season ever
Season Opening Party Date Moved!
March 12th, 2013
League Commissioner and professional Macauley Culkin impersonator Tim Brown has news for you …
“Hey caps it’s almost time for another season! Below is the party info. Please share this info with your team.
- The party itself can go further into the night.
- Pool Room reserved for BTSH
- There will be a security person assigned to keep the regular Friday night crowd out of our area.
- There will be a waitress assigned to our party, and a extra bartender so that your party gets quick service.
- I’m getting someone to cater this dig. Probably sandwiches, wings, stuff like that. 6-9 with the food.
- DJ’s maybe.
- Drink specials are the usual plus a well mixed drink special. Bar prize money will be won.
