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#15 Skyfighters at #3 Poutine Machine

By Rich “the Forever Champion” Glanzer

Location: Tompkins East, 12:00 PM

Game Keys:

This game is going to be the craziest game of the weekend. I envision both teams defense to give the ball away multiple times, and even the great Tim Brown to give up soft goals. Why? Because both teams sometimes where blue and I don’t think Sven is smart enough to tell his team to wear white. Or maybe he realizes he cant beat Sky Fighters without tricks and wants to wear the same color shirt.

Actually, Poutine can beat the Fighters, and everybody knows it, including BTSH’s resident gambler, Jesse Kalb, who has Poutine giving a goal to the former champions. Poutine has proved they are no fluke and I know the reason why. Yes Brodie can score, Tim is the leagues best goalie, but its what they did at the exhibition game last week that impressed me. As it was pouring rain and the few Elves that showed ran for cover, Poutine stayed on the rink with their army and played. Their girls blocked shots with little padding, Jo-Ann played net and it was a team that really enjoyed playing hockey.

Trending the opposite direction is the Sky Fighters. After winning the championship in 2009, and almost making it back to the Championship Game in 2010, the team didn’t play with the same urgency as most of the other teams in the league the past two seasons. I mean there is no reason the Sky Fighters should be ranked 15th. I rarely pick against the Fighters because I know how deadly they can be, and keep remembering games where Martin would score a hat trick while never allowing the Elves to get a shot on net. And if we did get a shot on net their jerky goalie, Lurk would make the save.

Earlier this season the two teams played and the Sky Fighters were up 4-0. I was walking past their bench and I heard Dan Hopper tell his team to keep playing hard, and I thought, this game’s over. By the time I got back it was 4-2 and Poutine eventually tied the game as it ended 4-4.

Pride over talent in this one, Poutine 4- Sky Fighters 1. But if the Fighters somehow win this game, the Hookers maybe in for a tough Quarterfinals matchup.  (Yeah, that means the Hookers are gonna beat the Rehabs. And sorry Cobra Kai, cant insult you this week, you earned my praise by beating WTP. Don’t blow it, you talentless losers!)

 

#20 Rehabs at #1 Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins West, 12:00 PM

Game Notes: #20 vs. #1, should be no contest right? Well, ask the Vancouver Canucks what they think about that. The Hookers are Captained by a goalie as well. And while Dustin has never experienced a Luongo like meltdown, the Hookers have experienced their fair share of upsets in the BTSH post-season. They seem to have gotten over their old, bad habit of never passing to their female players (hard to keep doing that when the best players on your team are women) but they definitely have some demons to vanquish (and we’re not talking about Jeff Kamen). All that being said, the kinder, gentler Hookers ruled the regular season and it’s going to take a lot for the Betty Fords to pull off an upset.

But the ingredients are there. The Rehabs won their last game of the season thanks to a surprise return from Professor Stacey Kehoe (Trust us. We were there and it was like something out of a MIGHTY DUCKS movie. And not just because Rich Glanzer was crying). They also stormed through the first round of the playoffs, playing a high energy, up tempo game against a strong Riots squad. Feldman and Welch looked like younger versions of themselves while one of the league’s best kept secrets, the Femme Fatale known as Sena, peppered the hapless Riots goalie with shot after shot. But the real reason to the turnaround in the Rehabs’ fortunes is the player between the pipes. The Rehabs goalie has a first name and it’s H-I-L-A-R-Y. Her second name might as well be B-R-I-C-K-W-A-L-L because that’s the way she’s played the last few weeks.

It may surprise many to hear this but this will be the game to watch if you’re a fan of women’s hockey. It’s going to come down to the one of the league’s best forwards, Sarah aka the Dartmouth Destroyer vs, the league’s only female goalie. Who will crack under the pressure?

Forget the regular season. This is going to be a heckuva match.

We can’t predict a winner but we can predict this … at the end of the day the Rehabs will still suck.

#14 Denim Demons at #4 Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: Veteran teams with different philosophies going head to head. Which will prevail? We’d love to paint this as a battle between Adam Rubens’ “Take no prisoners” style of hockey and Phil “Eh, it’s a beer league” Donohue’s more laid back approach but the fact is these two teams can be remarkably similar. Craig and Coach are brothers from another mother, while team spiritual leaders Zack and Schuie are both mercurial talents who literally wrote the book on BTSH. Both teams represent at the ACE (yes, Anklebiters you’ve turned the ORG around on that one) and both teams have their share of crazies (I’m looking at you Nicole Lanctot!).

For the Anklebiters it’s been a year of unprecedented success. For the Demons a year of turmoil, capped by a late season hot streak. So who will win this crucial contest?

As much as we’d love to make a prediction, we can’t. The ORG will be reffing this match and any speculation on our part would be unprofessional.

Besides, we’ve heard that Donohue has already been talking about a blockbuster trade for next year. One that will bring the two teams even closer. We don’t think that giving up Joe P. for Tinkelman is the best deal the Biters’ Captain has ever made. But if it lets him realize his dream of fielding an all-Zack forward line aka “the Zack Attack”, then we have to support it

Of course if the Bluejean Beelzebubs triumph over the Crunching Canines expect Zack Norris’ agent to be getting a call real soon.

Welcome to the opening round of the playoffs, everyone. And congrats to all the league staff, refs and Captains for another excellent regular season. Who says Adriano is a lame duck commissioner (well just about everybody but he’s just returned from an inspection tour of foreign ball hockey leagues. So let’s not be haters)?

For those of you new to the league (I’m looking at you Zack Norris), this is how opening round works. Eight teams battle for promotion to the coveted “round of 16” (it’s like the World Cup but with less trouble from the Germans). The remaining twelve teams play exhibition games to keep themselves sharp. These games are usually fun matchups, a chance for teams that don’t normally play each other to go head to head, and not attended by the Corlears Hookers (boo!).

So all the playoff games are our games of the week. As for the other contests, we’ll be doing capsule write-ups with cogent insight that helps you understand the spirit of these matches.

Let the playoff write-ups begin!

GAMES OF THE WEEK

# 20 Rehabs at #13 Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins East, 2:30 PM

Game Keys:

Was it the unexpected return of league sweetheart Stacy Kehoe? The Zen mysticism of Bryan Welch? Sena Ito recalling her Women’s tournament glory days? No one knows for sure but somehow the ‘Habs managed to pull out an OT win against the Rainbows last week, earning them … the #20 seed. Ok, that may not sound like much but it did give them the momentum they wanted going in to the “Round of Death”. Nora is practicing, Hilary is seeing golf balls and Jon Feldman has his writers working on a whole new series of referee complaints for this crucial match up. Meanwhile, their opponents remain shrouded in mystery. Riots goalie Dave has declared a media blackout after what he considers unfair treatment from the ORG correspondents. Sure we could have bypassed this tactic by going directly to Patrick Blohme, Alex Frenette, Scott and Jackie, Patty, BR or our numerous other sources on the team. But when Dave announced his intention to start a rival site (available only on the Microsoft Surface tablet) with long time ORG rival Craig Thompson as Editor-in-Chief that was the last straw. In the words of one of the great pundits of our time, “No soup for you!”

Game Prediction: Forget those arbitrary rankings. These two teams are very closely matched in talent. In the end, it’s probably going to come down to experience. And the ‘Habs have simply played more playoff games than the relatively new Riots squad. Expect the Men & Women in Black to triumph 3-2 in OT.

#17 Gut Rot at #16 Mega Touch

Location: Tompkins West, 2:30 PM

Game Notes: Gut Rot starts this year in an unexpected position. Not last place. With that significant achievement, long time Rot Captain Peaches has declared, “My work is done!” and has resigned his leadership position. Word has it that it’s a three way race between Gilligan, goalie Bill Tucker (who’s using the James Franco campaign slogan “I like to have jobs”) and the ruthless Diane Johnson. Will this drama distract from their focus on this crucial matchup? Meanwhile, Julie Katz and her fidanzato are set to make a dramatic game time return (much like those little Italian kids in KICKING AND SCREAMING). Will Alex Eben Meyer be the Mega’s Byong Sun and get Eric Devlin that coveted Pele ball? He’ll have to go through the most motivated GutRot squad in years to accomplish that goal. But upsets have been the Megas stock and trade this year and they may just pull off another one (Wait a minute. Did I just say Gut Rot was the favorite to win a game?).

Game Prediction: This is not your father’s Gut Rot. The playoff experience of Watts, Workman and the fact that the Redskins have the late game should give the Rotters the edge they need to win a close one.

#19 Dark Rainbows at #13 Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Notes: What do we know for sure about this game? Only that the unlucky soulls who have to ref it will probably need a stiff one afterwards.

This is definitely the most dramatic of the “play in” games and you can expect a fierce level of intensity. Rainbows may have a reputation for sweetness and light but when the chips are down they can be as aggressive and focused as any team in the league. The Demons may have a reputation for pushing things to the limit and bringing insane levels of commitment to their game but when the chips are down … that reputation is well deserved.

Amping up the drama level is the fact that half the Rainbows squad used to wear devil horns. The Devil worshippers version of the Reformation was a major blow to a team that had been at the top of the BTSH dog pile for a while and it’s led to no love lost between these two teams.

But Adam has done a pretty excellent job of rebuilding his team after the pre-season schism and the Demons are once again one of the squads that no one wants to meet in the post-season. The Rainbows have a history of pulling off post-season upsets (e.g. their championship win over the Hookers a few years back). But October is Coach’s time to shine and it’s going to be hard to bet against the team in red.

Game Prediction: If the Demon’s can avoid OT they’ve got this. But if the contest goes in to extra time this is anyone’s game.

#18 Sky Fighters at #15 Gremlins

By Rich “Don’t Ever Forget It’s All About Me” Glanzer

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Two teams in transition face off when the Sky Fighters face the Gremlins. The Sky Fighters went from doormats, to champions in just three seasons, but now they are once again closer to the bottom than top. Because of work and health reasons, the Fighters have replaced Lurk as their starting goalie, which is good and bad. It’s good bc no one likes James Stein, but it’s also bad because he’s a really good goalie.

 

Meanwhile, the Gremlins lost their name, goalie, and best guy and girl. I expected a 2-win season from them, but they surprised me and probably a few others by putting together a pretty solid first season under their new regime. Well played Gremmies, consider this writer impressed.

 

But I think this one is going to be a pretty decisive victory for the men and women in light blue. The Sky Fighters have the talent to win the BTSH Championship, and if they win, the Hookers or WTP may have a really difficult first round opponent.

 

Lastly, I want to give a shoutout to the Kai. Cobra Kai has been a bit of a whipping post for me, but by beating WTP Sunday, they avoided Fresh Kills and gave themselves a chance vs. the Tuques in the 2nd round. Don’t get me wrong, Cobra Kai still has horrible people, and even worse hockey players on their team, but I have to tip my cap to them. They’ve done well since I started to berate them.

La Famiglia at Corlears Hookers

By Bill “#17 Bitches!” Tucker

Location: Tompkins East, 12:30 PM

Game Keys: Exhibition games.  Like Charlie Sheen on a 3 AM bender, these are the contests where anything can happen.  Sure, the spotlight may be on the playoffs, but BTSH fans who come early will be a treated to a Famiglia squad looking to exorcise the demons of last year’s playoff stumble.  2011’s Round of 16 ouster at hands of Glanzer’s Great Gazoo’s still haunts the Omnipotent Octopi, so look for a squad hungry to build off the momentum from a last second victory over Gut Rot in Week 18.  Trouble is, they may be playing alone.  If history has shown us anything, it’s that many of the Hookers regulars are notorious for skipping the games that don’t matter.  Expect the Purple People Eaters to field a team consisting of Sara Newman, the homeless guy who plays “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” in the park and three cans of baked beans.  A tune up for Famiglia, a vacation for the Corlears Dustin Hoffman’s, this Qualifying Round sideshow should be an entertaining prelude to the main games at 4:30.

 

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction:  In the vacant chasm between the regular season and the playoff tournament, winners are forged in the fires of meaningless play.  Strategies are drawn.  Lines are formed.  PBR’s are sucked dry out of brown paper bags.  The unobservant may find this game frivolous but the keen see it for what it truly is.  A chance to mold a champion.  The Family wants it more so expect a well played victory for the former Tuques.

 

LBS Inc. at Fresh Kills

Location: Tompkins West, 12:30 PM

Game Keys: Regular Kills correspondent Eli Kazin is taking a break from write-ups this weekend due to the Jewish holidays (Shanna Tova, Eli!) and you can expect Dave Sokol to do the same with his squad. After an intense matchup against Poutine Machine last week, Sokol won’t want to be taking any chances with injury. Meanwhile, the LBS had a pretty intense game of their own. So they’ll be looking for a little break as well. Expect this one to be played with country club rules. At least until Ken Poulin loses it and starts running Patrick Barch every chance he gets. As Ken (and every good Canadian knows), there’s no such thing as a friendly game when you’re playing the Russians!

Filthy Gorgeous at Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins East, 1:30 PM

Game Keys: Two of the more chill teams in the league go at it in a meaningless match. Should be a snoozer right? And it would be except for one thing … the Anklebiter’s deep and abiding hatred of Dana Kravis. Already suspect for enticing Schuie to marry outside of the Anklebiters team, she officially became the Pups Enemy #1 when she subbed in for another team against the Dogs earlier in the season. No longer content to wage the war of quiet aggression that he had carried on since Kravis and Schumacher’s nuptials, Captain Phil Donohue is placing a personal bounty on Kravis’ head. Look for Jen “I hide my crazy well” Halper to be the first one to try and collect in what’s sure to be an ugly game.

Happy Little Elves at Poutine Machine

By Abby “Link Queen” Meisterman

Location: Tompkins West, 1:30 PM

Game Keys: Last week’s loss to division rivals, Denim Demons, capped the Elves’ season with a five-game losing streak. When asked after the game how it went, T-Beau had this to say: “Well, at least it wasn’t to Poutine Machine.” Coincidentally, the Machine also suffered a loss at the stinking hands of Fresh Kills last week. Thankfully, for the Elves, this loss did not threaten their standing in the Bratta division, and PoutineMachine’s* loss** won’t keep them from rising out of their eponymous (at least as far as their captain goes) division and Kazin conference. So just because this week’s match up doesn’t count for anything, it doesn’t mean it won’t be a heated game as both teams are known for their aggressive playing.

* The Princess Bride turned 25 this week. Anyone else feel old?
** There was a rumor that half the team was trying to throw the game as some people just wanted to make it home for Thanksgiving.

 Mathematics at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins East, 3:30 PM

Game Keys: Righting a wrong that’s bothered us since Rivalry Week, these two “forever rivals” go at it one more time. Is it just a tune-up game for Rem? Not in the eyes of Greg Altman or Derek and Eli. Both these teams want to win bad and set a tone for the playoffs. But then again, neither wants their star players hurt either (good move sending Will Kuhns to Colombia for the week, Greg). Expect a tentative game, with all of the Mathematics trying out Zack Norris’ signature Mylec blade before the game is over. Of course, if they meet again in the playoffs, it’s on!

Butchers at What the Puck

Location: Tompkins West, 3:30 PM

Game Keys: Yes, it’s important to stay sharp before the playoffs. But sometimes you just want to stay home with the kids and not go through the hassle of finding a babysitter. That’s the attitude of the entire starting lineup of WTP this week. Which is fine by Rachel and Ben. The Jets have the early game and Ben can catch the last set at Rockshop without worrying about getting up early the next day. Even with a 3:30 pm start time, expect short benches on both sides for this one.