btsh.org

GAME OF THE WEEK

Rehabs at Dark Rainbows

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys:

Why is this the game of the week? Hell, why not? It features two of the league’s classic franchises. Both teams have struggled this year, looking to forge new identities after significant departures. But both teams still have a core made up of players who embody the BTSH spirit. Bryan Welch? Abby Meisterman? Jon “Dinnerplate” Feldman? A dude named PK? These are the stuff of BTSH legend.

Allow us to quote Tennyson, speaking of another legendary figure:

“Tho’ much is taken, much abides; and tho’ 
We are not now that strength which in old days 
Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are,– 
One equal temper of heroic hearts, 
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will 
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”

Sorry. The end of the season always makes us sentimental.

Game Prediction: We love Hilary and Nora and would love to pick the Black Beauties to win this one. But unfortunately, we can’t. You know why guys and gals? Because the Rehabs suck. And no matter what else changes in BTSH, that will always be true.

Happy Little Elves at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: Two Bratta division rivals combine for a Christmas colored nightmare. For some devoutly Christian societies Elves are considered Demons. And for humanist atheists like the highly enlightened Dr. John Rick, Demons are as make believe as the diminutive fair folk for whom the team in green is named (for the record “diminutive fair folk” does not refer to Jenna Cruff). Maybe that explains the animosity between these two sides. We always hate that which reminds us most of ourselves. I know it’s why I hate Gil so much (Just retire already will you? That way I can be the oldest player in the league. What? Are you trying to break Gordie Howe’s record or something?).

Of course, the Demons are still chafing from their repeated exclusion from competition for the Fairytale Cup, as well. And the Elves are coming off of a couple of brutal losses. They definitely need to turn their fortunes around and the ORG is going to give them a special gift that will help them in this regard.

Shaun deLacy.

This changes everything.

What the Puck at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: It’s hard to talk about WTP without using the words “steam” and “roller”. In the second half of the season there hasn’t been a better team in the league. Whether it’s because they’re trying to impress their kids, their future fiancées (hi Dom!) or they realize that Zimm isn’t getting any younger; the team in orange and blue has been on fire. The dojo has had an up and down season but they have shown that they can play with any team in the league. We’re just not sure that any lineup is going to shut down last year’s championship finalists (and our top pick for a return to the finals). WTP may be vulnerable for a playoff upset but for the last week of the season our money is on Mike Woodsworth and co.

PS: Corey Winters paid me to write this.

Mega Touch at Sky Fighters

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Blah blah blah Martin. Blah blah blah Czech Republic. Blah Blah Blah Adriano.

Forget it. Let’s forego the usual suspects and talk straight (it is the last week of the season after all). Will Mega Touch win this game? Probably not. Will they care? Absolutely not.  The former Bad Touchers may need to inform their neighbors when then they move in to a new house but there’s no team that epitomizes old school BTSH more. Those striped socks are a badge of pride. A symbol that says, we’re going to sit in the sun, enjoy life and play some hockey (if we get around to it). Yep, occasionally they get a victory. But you know what. They’re all winners! We love you MegaTouch.

Skyfighters. We like you too (and you’re much better at hockey).

Mathematics at Tompkins Square Riots

By the ORG’s version of Ed Anger, Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Since the Riots debuted in 2010, everyone wondered, who was running the team? While Amy Jones was the recognized captain, photos have leaked of the real ringleader of the team. None other than Michelle Bressler! As you can see in this photo, Jones only job is to keep Bressler not too sunburned, and do her laundry every other Tuesday.

As for the game itself, the last time the Riots played Math it was a doozy. The Riots dominated early, but when Andy Pratt showed up late (I reffed and have a ridiculous memory for things like this), Math came on strong and took several leads, only to have the Riots quickly tie the score.

While the Riots will key on Pratt and the self-proclaimed, and probably accurate, Zach “Only good athlete to come from Cleveland besides LeBron” Norris, they better not lose site of the lady Mathematicians. Female Rookie of the Year candidate Cherie had a beautiful assist last game, and Amy is pretty due for a goal.

Over on the Riots side, Bressler is going to miss the game, spending time on the big L.I., so the Riots will have to depend on former BTSH Champion netminder, and man of many names, Dave Gil de Rubio, and Alex Frenette. (Happy Dave? Now back to just mentioning Amy Jones, Shaun deLassy, and me in all previews)

So who will come away with the W? I see a tight game…this isn’t going to be easy like if either team were playing Cobra Kai. But I see Zach Norris sister scoring the game winning goal for Math. You didn’t know he had a sister? He does…when I asked her, her name, she was about to speak but then quickly turned to Zach who gave her a stern look, and shook his head. She then looked to the ground and said, “My name is Zach Norris’ sister.”

True story.

PS. Fresh Kills 3 Poutine 1

Fresh Kills at Poutine Machine

By the ORGs version of Jimmy Olsen Eli Kazin

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: On any other week, the pairing of Fresh Kills and Poutine Machine would be on the short list of can’t miss games. Unfortunately, this game is the victim of bad timing, as both teams are already locked into their respective playoff seeds. Poutine Machine secured the Larsen Division and the third seed in the playoffs last Sunday with a 3-0 win against the Tompkins Square Riots. Fresh Kills entered last Sunday with faint hopes of winning the Bratta Division and with it the top overall seed, but the Corlears Hookers extinguished that possibility by defeating Filthy Gorgeous. Even with the division title no longer attainable, the defending champions were able to lock up the fifth seed with their 7-1 thrashing of the Happy Little Elves. With playoff positions secure, and both teams having little to play for, neither captain is willing to risk much in what is essentially a glorified exhibition game. Poutine Machine’s Sven Patrick Larsen has hinted that starting goaltender Tim Brown may be given the week off. Larsen noted that the leading candidates for this scenario are Mike Haas, Jo-Ann Provencher, and Brodie St. John. Fresh Kills’ Dave Sokolyansky, meanwhile, is strongly leaning towards rostering only players under 30 years of age, which will give his veterans, such as Kevin Foster, Mike Sokolyansky, and Eugene Rha, a much needed breather.

Gouging Anklebiters at Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

By the ORG’s version of Lois Lane – Monica Russo

Game Keys: Picture it.  Corlears Hook Park. 2007 (I think. Maybe it was 2008. Get off my back). A fairly new team called the Corlears Hookers (ok, I JUST got that) are in the first round of the finals. They face old-school BTSH’ers, The Gouging Anklebiters. The ‘Biters weren’t exactly having the season of their lives that year. The Hookers, meanwhile, had quickly established themselves as the new “team you love to hate.” It was their first year, they’d won every game, and they were fierce. And by “fierce” I don’t so much mean this, as much as I mean “I’ll cut the shit out of you if you cross me.”

The whole league gathers to watch the Anklebiters play these new BTSH juggernauts. This is mainly because it was the last game of the day, and there was really nowhere convenient to go once you were at Corlears. But I digress.

Though the Hookers came out strong, GAB would not lie down and play dead. The game was a nailbiter all the way through. Would this be the huge upset of the season? Would the sure-thing Hookers (heehee) really give it up (heehee) to the underdogs (heehee)?

The entire league was on it’s feet. Everyone came over to watch. For reals, this shit was intense. I am getting an adrenaline rush just thinking about it. Could this, would this, really happen?

Ok, so it didn’t really happen. But maybe it will this time. That shit was a long time ago.

Butchers at Filthy Gorgeous

By the ORG’s version of JD Salinger, Abby Meisterman

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: It’s not easy being Rachel Greene.* Despite being backed by solid goalie Eric Ramirez, the Butchers just couldn’t get a win against the Gremlins last week. But if fellow Connecticutensian Arthur Revechkis, Chris diMotta, Georgina “Hat Trick” Paulin, and Ben Bloom are in attendance this week, the tides may turn for theBitchers. Look for the Butchers to don their dried-blood-red shirts while making mincemeat of this week’s rivals, Filthy Gorgeous. However, there is some serious talent on Filthy, and I’m not just talking about heterosexual life-mates Suvin and James. It’s been rumored that captain Monica Russo has been taking French classes so she can call out secret moves to Jean Herbert. And Caroline Currie has been working on a move that involves vaulting off goalie Dan Owens. We’re looking at what has the making of being a very entertaining game.

* Rachel has a really nice smile. Have you ever noticed that? And nice hair. It is quite lovely.

 LBS Inc at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: LBS. don’t care about 47% of the league and the Gremlins fit squarely in that category. We know enough about Caitlin, Mark and John Rick’s personal lives to know that they won’t be attending any $50,000 a plate dinners any time soon. A social worker, a musician and a philosophy professor? They’re everything the Republicans LBS hate. And the LBS. will unleash their full fury this Sunday. Expect vicious attacks, distortions of the truth and Ken Poulin talking to an empty chair. It may not be popular in New York City. But don’t be surprised if it gets a result and a cheer from the heartland. And when the LBS add another victory to the story of their franchise’s achievements, remember … they built it!

La Famiglia at Gut Rot

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

By the ORG’s version of Robert Wuhl in the BATMAN movies, Bill Tucker

Game Keys: The final week of the regular season is here and at first glance, this may look like the short end of the hockey writing stick.  If my math is correct, La Famiglia has already secured a bye for the opening round of the playoffs and Gut Rot is guaranteed to not be the worst team in the league.  While my familiarity with both teams will allow me to “spread out the mentions”, there are a number of intriguing storylines in this late September contest.

Just Married, Now Bitter Rivals: Fresh off their recent nuptials, recent Rotter Matt “Worky” Workman and the Family’s Haanwa “The People’s Champion” Chau face each other for the first time since tying the knot.  Will they still be in honeymoon mode or will their first spat take place on the court?

Old Friends Come Home:  Diane Johnston faces her former team, the Former Tuques, for the first time since her Gut Rot defection.  Team captain Dave Ladanyi has pledged to not target his former teammate but the usual stoic Alfred Lui smashed his whiskey glass against the Transformers pinball machine in Ace Bar and refused to comment.  Sparks could be flying.

 Goals Achieved:  Making good on their pre-season goal of “19^th Place or Bust, Bitches”, Gut Rot has literally nothing to play for.  While a win would put them in contention for a more favorable 16^th slot, Peaches will most likely lead his team on a drunken pre, post and during game rampage.  Nothing says victory like five cases of Steel Reserve.

 Goalie…OUT!:  Due to a previous commitment, goaltender Bill Tucker will not be at the game forcing him to write about himself in the third person during this week’s preview.  He can be a jerk like that.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction:  It has been an honor following The Blue Menace through this season of ups, downs, missteps and victories.  On behalf of Dr. Gonzo, my liver and five sheets of high powered blotter acid, I commend this squad for a well played regular season.  That said, I have a strong pull towards Peaches’ Whiskey Warriors.  Blurry eyed seekers all reaching for hockey mediocrity.  As a result, I declare this game a 0-0 tie.  Give the game a miss and head straight to the nearest watering hole.  You both deserve it.

Not the French Guy We Were Talking About

GAME OF THE WEEK

Corlears Hookers at Filthy Gorgeous

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys:

Is this the week that the Hookers their division and the first seed for the playoffs? Maybe. Maybe not. The Hookers returned to a full bench and the kind of dominating performance they’ve become known for last week. Their 7-0 blowout of the Rehabs was the kind of ruthless and efficient takedown that has spawned comparisons between Peter Pucha and the robot from ‘70s sci fi classic WESTWORLD. But no team wants to spoil their party more than the Dirty Prettys. It took years to get the Hookers monkey off their backs (and FG suffered some heartbreaking playoff losses in the process) but recently this matchup has been tilting in the Filthys favor. Games between these two are always close but our bet is that hate trumps the Hookers “Get her done” mentality. For the Purple People Eaters to wrap up the top spot, they’re going to have to bring some emotion to this game. Perhaps, a late season draft of Ellery “Redskins, baby!!!” Gillette might be the spark they need to claim the regular season title?

Keys to the Game:

1) Goaltending

Dustin tends to sit so far back in his net that we’ve often suspected he has a smart phone with an e-trade app stashed somewhere in there. Meanwhile, Dan Owens takes the opposite tack, singlehandedly trying to revive the position of “rover”. With both teams scoring goals in bunches and a full season’s worth of scouting available to their opponents, someone needs to modify their style.

2) Can Matt and Becky Find a Babysitter?

One of the league’s best defensive duos has been splitting shifts and handing off their daughter to each other during games. While this solution seems to have worked short term, it’s probably only a matter of time before one of them grabs a handiwipe instead of a hockey stick. League go to child-minder Corey has some loyalty to the Hookers squad which will prevent him from helping them out. If we were FG Captain Monica Russo we’d be sending a least one of the Novicks to WTP for some hockey/life balance coaching.

3) Will Jean and that French guy on the Hookers start trashtalking?

Neither player is known for their verbosity. But maybe that’s just a language barrier thing. Expect the two to go out at big time this Sunday, unleashing torrents of Joual on Tompkins Square Park. Of course, the Gorg also have Caroline Currie who can bring it in either of Canada’s official languages. The advantage on this one has to go to the team in blue.

4) 8 is better than 7

Both teams scored 7 goals last week. Our forty years of hockey experience tells us that the team that scores 8 will probably win this game.

Game Prediction: Filthy in a shootout but only if Joann Provencher doesn’t ref the game (hint to the Quebecois crew – she can understand everything you’re saying!)

Gremlins at Butchers

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

By ORG Special Op Monica Russo

Game Notes:

Mathematics at Gut Rot

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: Mathematics are coming off of a heartbreaking one-goal loss. Gut Rot are coming off of a stirring one-goal win (despite having to deal with football crazed teammates and Tommy Cho’s inevitable post-wedding comedown). Will this be another one goal thriller? Not if Zack Norris has anything to say about it. BTSH’s answer to Tom Brady is back ready to break hearts and make Bill Tucker cry. Rookie of the Year honors are on the line and the Zack Attack is looking for a big salary bump next year. Expect him to dominate this game like Messier in Game 6. The prize? A better chance at the coveted #11 seed. It’s all on the line in this one, folks!

La Famiglia at What the Puck

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Game Keys: The air is crisper, the ‘Skins are causing Ellery to scream profanity whilst twirling his shirt and the BTSH playoff race is in full swing.  A crucial game in the Brown Division, the Omnipotent Octopi meet a What The Puck team that’s cruising’ through a 6 game winning streak.  Team leaders Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer and Corey “Chongo” Winters are putting the biscuit in the basket while Anthony “Write Your Own Nickname” Romeo tends the net with style. With the threat of the WTP summer swoon officially behind them, the Orange Juggernaut looks to put a hammerlock on the division lead.  After a shellacking at the hands of Fresh Kills last week, La Famiglia is looking to right the ship with the remaining weeks in the regular season.  To assist his suddenly struggling team, captain Dave Ladanyi has attempted to purchase 15 kilos of fairy dust to give the Blue Menace some much needed September jump.  When asked how he came about this mythical substance, Ladanyi muttered something about the prestigious yet imaginary Fairy Tale Cup and ducked into a nearby alley.  Magical boost or not, this game is a must win for the former Tuques if they hope to contend for the division lead.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction: Last week was a personal disappointment for me.  With no tales of drunken debauchery to share, I did something I never thought I’d do on the BTSH website.  Give a genuine prediction.  Luckily for my long time fans, I spent this entire week in a cough syrup and cold medicine induced coma.  In honor of this new experiment in substance abuse, I award this game to the DayQuil Dynamos, What The Puck.

LBS Inc. at Sky Fighters

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Yes, both these teams suffered losses last week. But this is the second season folks. Experience can beat talent and streaks are made to be broken. And these two veteran teams know that a couple of points may affect the standings but everybody makes the playoffs. Just ask former BTSH champs the Skyfighters. Dan Hopper has been resting his most talented players since about mid-July, making sure that everyone from Robert to Alice to James “Ramm” Stein is fresh for a deep playoff run. Meanwhile, the LBS. have decided to take the Marty Brodeur route, making sure that their wily veterans play in every game and hoping that lightning strikes. Sascha, Sam and even the forgotten LB. Brian Barrett may not light it up as often as they used to but there’s still enough water in the well for them to win this one. Whether they can turn that in to mission 6W is a question for another day.

Happy Little Elves at Fresh Kills

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

By Kills Beat reporter Eli Kazin

Game Keys: All of the key stats leading up to this Bratta Division contest point to a Fresh Kills victory. The defending champs have already beat the Happy Little Elves once this season (3-2 in Week 13), have the second best goal differential in the league, and are the only team in BTSH yet to lose a divisional game in regulation. The Elves, on the other hand, are scuffling. They have lost four of their past five games and are the only team that has yet to win a divisional game.

So why does Elves captain Rich Glanzer feel extremely confident about his team’s chances on Sunday? The answer is he made some very prescient bets that have given the Elves a personnel edge. First, Rich bet on the outcome of Sunday’s Steelers-Broncos game with Fresh Kills goaltender and avid Steelers fan Patrick Barch. If the Steelers won, Rich would play in goal for the Elves, but if the Broncos won, Barch would not be able to play in goal for Fresh Kills. Then, Rich bet on the outcome of a game of Skeeball (or Skeetball, depending on who you ask) with Nick Hobbs, which resulted in Hobbs not being able to play this Sunday. Not satisfied with just two bets, Rich also set up a wager with Nick Scott. He did not divulge the details of this wager, but the end result is that Scott is also not playing on Sunday. Rich also added that should the Elves win on Sunday, Steph Opitz has to raise his hand.

Editor’s Note: A post that’s all about Glanzer that no one really understands? What is this 2011?

Rehabs at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

By Rich “Adam Rant” Glanzer

Game Keys: Well if it isn’t the Dark Rainbows versus the talented-laden Cobra Kai’ians.

So last week I wrote about how little talent everyone but JJ and Will Kuhns have on Cobra Kai. After they beat Math 3-2, I saw them and went to say hi, but Becky Pear kicked me in the shins, and Meredith Sladek threw a cup of water at me. I was a little confused by the hostile greeting but then I saw Peter Lang humping some poor homeless man and appreciated the return to normalcy.

But guess what CK…you beat MATH! Guess who else beat Math? Everyone else in the league! Now before you break out the stat that the Elves lost to Math this year, keep in mind the self proclaimed, “Greatest Player of Em’ All” Zach Norris was at my game, but missing vs. you. But I digress, one little victory over a JV team in the greatly named yet horrendously talentless Glanzer Division, isn’t going to get you into Lynbrook, where the BTSH Hall of Fame resides.

Lets see how you do vs. the pinkies. As for the Dark Rainbows, blah blah blah Abby, blah blah blah former Demons. The only two Rainbows I care about are $howt!m3 and the true, “Greatest Player of Em’ All” Bernstein! Bernstein is going to light Lang’s ass up more, than that male stripper Ronaldo did at Hunkomania, located at 301 W 39th St. Tell em’ Peter “Clubber” Lang sent you and get a loyalty discount!

Rainbows 5- Cobra Kai 1. Kai scored by the “Most talented player that never committed a legitimate penalty” Fay Wells!

Rehabs at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Zach Tinkelman scored three goals last week? Have the Demons renewed their pact with their Dark Lord? They’re sure looking like the team that used to annihilate opponents and scare young Bible College students. Meanwhile, the Rehabs are in that “Moment of Clarity” phase of their rebuilding. Was last week’s 7-0 drubbing from the Hookers rock bottom. Or is there further to fall before their inevitable comeback. The ‘Habs are one of the league’s classic franchises and they will see better days. But watching Jon Feldman furiously markup his copy of the BTSH rules doesn’t give us hope that this game will be the turning point in their season.

 Gouging Anklebiters at Mega Touch

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: The Anklebiters didn’t manage to lock up their division last week but it’s going to take a Metslike collapse for them not to come away with the #4 seed. But that doesn’t mean the Megas wouldn’t love to be the Marlins. Of course, no one on the Touch (with the exception of Eric Devlin) will probably get that reference. Team Captain Julie Katz convinced her beau (and lame duck Commissioner) Adriano Bratta to postpone their European vacation by a couple of weeks so that they could make their Glanzer division rivals sweat. And sweat they will as Mega breaks out the deep V and Jorts combo that proved so effective in distracting teams last year. Like Berlosconi on a bender, Katz will stop at nothing in her quest for victory. And Phil Donohue’s vow to tear up a picture of the Pope at center court will only make “Mussels” more motivated. Sorry, pound puppies. You’ll have to wait till next week to celebrate (unless, of course, Math loses and you back your way in to the playoffs). Andiamo, Mega.

Poutine Machine at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

By ORG Special Correspondent Abby Meisterman

Game Keys: I was going protest writing this preview as it does not pertain to Cobra Kai, Filthy Gorgeous, or the Happy Little Elves. Fuck, these teams didn’t even play those teams last week! I’m at a bit of a lost.

Most people think the namesake of the Tompkins Square Riots are the 1988 TSP Riots which were a reaction to the 1 a.m. curfew placed on the previously open-24-hours park due to the “unsavory” characters that were taking over the East Village at the time. Those people would be mistaken as Amy Jones drew her inspiration from the 1874 riots. Those riots, happening amidst the depression that ensued after the Panic of 1873, had the police running the demonstrators (unemployed people looking for public works programs, not hand outs) out of the park. That being said, BTSH’s Riots aren’t looking for a handout. Which is good because Poutine Machine doesn’t do charity work. PM’s Brodie St. John leads the league with 9 goals (assuming the stats have been updated lately) and the Machine isn’t known for its kindness. Expect the Riots to take a stand and the Machine to mount their horses and ride rough-shod all over them.

Sorry, ladies. He’s out this week.

ALTERNATE GAME OF THE WEEK

Cobra Kai at Mathematics

By Eli “Don’t start none, there won’t be none.” Kazin

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys:

Cobra Kai and Mathematics are supposed to be bitter rivals, right? This question was posed to various members of the league, including several players on each team, and the answer is a resounding no.

Poutine Machine forward Jo-Ann Provencher quipped, “Cobra Kai and Mathematic are not rival. We are the Mathematic rival, since we play them on Rivalry Days.” Mathematics rookie sensation Zach Norris will not even be present on Sunday, as he is taking an extra week to prepare for the team’s big showdown with Gut Rot on September 16, adding “Man, I love playing Gut Rot!” Perpetually injured Cobra Kai forward Rem “Canadian Strongman” Garavito was more direct, noting, “Fresh Kills is our top rival. They used to be in our division, and we still hate those guys with a passion.” Happy Little Elves co-captain Rich Glanzer probably sums it up best, though; as he explains “the best rivalries are ones with traveling trophies, such as the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup and the Barnacle Bowl. Math doesn’t even have a traveling trophy at stake against Cobra Kai, but we do.”

In truth, this was once a great rivalry. But time, and with it roster turnover, has eroded the hate between the two squads, and now it is just another game on the schedule, just like any matchup between the Detroit Red Wings and Colorado Avalanche. However, this game still has a lot of meaning for both squads. Cobra Kai and the Mathematics are tied in the standings at 17 points apiece, and a loss for either team will all but extinguish any faint hopes for a division title.

La Famiglia at Fresh Kills

By Bill “Sweet Vermouth” Tucker

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: After a three-week hiatus, the height of the BTSH season is upon us and what better way to usher in our return to the blacktop than a classic matchup between La Famiglia and Fresh Kills.  Both teams enter BTSH’s final month with similar situations.  Both maintain second place in their respective divisions, both are coming off shutout victories in Week 16 and both feature a player whose name is synonymous with alcoholic merriment (Dave “And Lime” Soko for Kills and Alfred “Bourbon on the Rocks” Liu for the Family).  The key to victory will be shaking off the summer break rust.  According to sketchy reports handed to me on cocktail napkins during a drunken spree at Doc Holidays, Kills goaltender Patrick “The Dude” Barch spent the three weeks lobbying to become Mitt Romney’s running mate.  Apparently, his penchant for White Russians and general apathy towards politics held him back from consideration.  The members of the Omnipotent Octopi were a little harder to track down, but satellite photos showed offensive duo Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and Dennis “The  Flash” Miciletto partying in the Hamptons with a third party who bared an uncanny resemblance to actor Terry Kiser.  Stranger still was how they paddled back to New York on the back of this mysterious doppelganger.  Odd behavior aside, this Tagliarino Conference showdown should be one of the marquee matchups this coming Sunday.

Dr Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction: While La Famiglia and Fresh Kills both boast impressive goaltending and explosive offense, defense will be the name of the game here.  Kills by a nostril hair.  Oh wait. This is where I’m supposed to ramble on about drugs, booze and mishaps involving farm animals.  Next week, friends, neighbors and fellow wanderers.  Next week.

Denim Demons at Sky Fighters

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Like swallows coming back to Capistrano, September sees the return of key players and full benches to many teams. It’s also the time for Captains to work on getting team chemistry to finally gel prior to the playoffs. So have team Captains Adam Rubens and Dan Hopper planned to achieve those goals?

Not wanting to lose the momentum of the Demons two game- winning streak, Rubens has created an elaborate deception. Informing his team that “the break was cancelled”, he’s had the Red Furies showing up at Tompkins each week and playing matches against teams he secretly hired. Yes, Jeff Kamen, this is why you didn’t recognize anyone on Filthy Gorgeous last Sunday. Unless any of the Demons players bypass the blocks Adam has placed on their computers and manage to read this site, the team will go in to this matchup thinking they’re on a five game winning streak. While we can’t endorse Adam’s tactics, we do admire his motivation skills.

Meanwhile, things haven’t been so easy for the Skyfighters’ Hopper. After learning about the Czech Republic’s rampaging meth problem by watching the season finale of BREAKING BAD, Hopper has been frantically lobbying members of D.A.R.E. to join the Skyfighters roster. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “team chemistry”. Unfortunately, to make room for these acquisitions Hopper has had to cut several players, including himself and goalie James Stein. Radical tactics but if he can keep Martin clean; the Cloudpunchers will always have a chance to win hockey games.

Corlears Hookers at Rehabs

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: The Post Kehoe/Danberg-Ficharelli era begins for the Rehabs. And the question for the team now is who will keep the rampaging egos of Bryan Welch and Jon Feldman in check? Both seem themselves as the Kobe like center of the Rehabs offence and “Dinner Plate” has been lobbying aggressively to have the team re-branded “Jon Feldman’s Rehabs”. Meanwhile, Welch has told Rich Glanzer that he will only ref games if he’s allowed to use a cardboard cutout of Kehoe as his partner. With feuding upfront and a big hole on “D”, all-star goalie Hilary may be the only chance this team has of shutting down the Purple juggernaut. As for the Hookers, Dustin has vowed to start the “second season” by fielding more than six players a game. If the Disco Kings manage to put two full lines together, it could be a long Sunday for the team in black.

Tompkins Square Riots at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Two likable and skilled teams finish out the day’s events and the big question is … will anyone be there to see this game. The Anklebiters and Gutrot are playing on the opposite court and both those teams have Grateful Dead-like followings. Riots and Grems? Not so much.

Still, both teams are manned with league veterans and they know that a point here or a point there can make the difference between a fun first playoff round or the chance to block Kevin Foster wrist shots for an hour. Self-preservation can be a powerful motivator so expect the former Kills on the Riots to remind their compatriots that bye weeks are great for healing bruises.

Rumor also has it that Jon aka “Redpants” has left the Gremlins to try out for a new mid-Western Ball Hockey league sponsored by a Russian oil billionaire. Just a tip, Jon. Despite what they may have promised you, there is no “tenure” in hockey.

Flip a coin folks. This is anyone’s game.