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GAME OF THE WEEK

Cobra Kai (5-4-0) at Butchers (5-3-0-1)

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: Yeah, that’s right, no Hookers or Elves in GOTW country this week. Instead, the most entertaining game of the day is sure to be this matchup between divisional rivals.

The Snake Squad has been on a roll lately thanks to an influx of new players and a rotating cast of goalies. While the W’s have been coming, the actual game play has been mixed. After mirroring their cinematic counterparts and showing “No mercy” against Gut Rot, the Slitherins barely squeaked by Megatouch last week (due in no small part to the contributions of guest goaltender Tim Brown). Which CK squad will show up this week? And when will injured tender Pete “Clubber” Lang return between the pipes? Our insiders tell us that Lang is out for at least one more week so chemistry remains a concern for the dojo.

Meanwhile, the Butchers may have to worry about chemistry of a different kind. Rumor has it that key squad members Rachel “Mean Joe” Greene and Arthur “Sealed with a” Revechkis are hosting other hockey teams at their palatial Connecticut dacha this weekend. The Russian Rocket has been locked in his basement laboratory all week (yes, he has a basement laboratory) working on something he calls ‘the Liver Crusher”. If the LCs are flowing freely on Saturday, expect the Meat Maulers to be relying more on skill than speed on Sunday.

Watchability: Expect an entertaining match as Cobra Kai look to grab first place in the Larsen division while the Butchers struggle to find a reason to care about the regular season. Still, shared hangovers may trump mercenary motivations. If the PBR line of Paulin, Bloom and Revechkis are clicking expect them to beat Cobra Kai’s rented goalie like, well … a rented goalie.

LBS, Inc. at La Famiglia

By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Luckily for me and my laziness, there isn’t much to say about this week’s Famiglia / Llbs matchup.  Luckily for you, the patient reader, there’s a ton to fabricate, best done in a cloud of Laphroaig single malt and methamphetamines.  Llbs enters this matchup as the toast of the Brown division, boasting the second best goal differential (+12) in the league and first place in their division.  Despite their sparkling 7-2 record, the team is not without controversy.  Reports from a number of unreliable sources (okay…just Craig) claim the Corporation has invested heavily in a high-end cybernetics company.  The result?  A series of Go Go Gadget enhancements to key players.  Satellite photos of the team’s 2-1 victory over the Riots suggest an “illegal elongation” of Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin’s hockey stick and a seven foot extension of goaltender Seth Watchell’s left leg during a key save in last week’s contest.  Despite this competitive edge, the team has shown remarkable poise in gaining the Brown Division lead over the suddenly slumping What The Puck.  They have a system and they are sticking to it.

The Family enters this contest fresh off a tough loss to the resurgent Denim Demons.  Never one to buckle to the pressure, Dave Ladanyi’s squad has refocused, rallying around Alfred Liu’s first goal of the season.  The long time Famiglia regular has vowed to knock back three bourbons for every goal he scores for the remainder of the season.  When asked about her week 10 opponent, BTSH veteran Diane Johnston dropped her PBR to floor of Ace Bar, shattered my knee cap with her hockey stick and cried, “I play on your team, you schmuck!  Learn to read!”  Jabs at my literacy aside, expect a close game pitting a hungry La Famiglia squad against a Llbs team looking to continue riding the lightning.

Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction: In lieu of doing more work on this preview, I’ve enlisted the insight of my confidant and drinking partner, Dr. Gonzo, to picks this week’s victor.  After muttering something about reptilian assailants and the walls melting, she blurted, “2-1, Famiglia.”  For fear of the reptiles, I refuse to dispute her visions.

Gut Rot at Filthy Gorgeous

Ladies and Gentlemen … welcome back Abby Meisterman

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys:  This matchup makes me feel dirty; the kind of dirty that I don’t necessarily feel guilty about. On one hand you’ve got a team that makes you cotton-eyed and mouthed after a night with them. On the other, a team that personifies the feeling you get after a one-night stand… Or so I’ve been told. Anyway, if there is anyone who can get in the head’s Filthy Gorgeous top scorers, James Pereira and “It’s Always“ Sunny Mehra, it would be former team-mate Liza “1.21 Giga” Watts and Matt Workman. Well, it would be them. But then you add league and bar darling Ellery Gillette and cohort Bill Tucker, who are consistently lifting their shirts over their faces, and you’ve got some very suspect defense tactics. As much as I’d love to give this win to Heather “S Factor” Aspergen, I’ve gotta go with Monica “La”Russo Larsen’s cadre of coyote uglies.

Tompkins Square Riots at Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: 

Two teams that have shown flashes of brilliance but have struggled with consistency meet up for another r crucial divisional matchup. The Riots lost a tough one to LBs. last week while the Biters managed to squeeze out an OT win against the Rainbows. So expect another close one here. The real question is which team will boast the more laid back Captain. Normally, Donohue goes through the season with only Jeff “Peaches” Hendricks as a rival for the title of MMM (most mellow manager) but Amy Jones has stepped up her game this season. Her new strategy of not actually playing in the games she’s captaining is sheer genius. Donohue has threatened to counter by drinking three large bottles of cough syrup before Sunday’s game. But the ORG encourages Jones not to fall for this transparent psychological tactic. Everyone knows that Donohue ‘tips the Tussin” before every match. Advantage: Riots.

 

Gremlins at Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: 

We love the Gremlins. They’re a feisty team that’s risen from the ashes of the Unicorns to win the hearts and minds of the BTSH faithful. But to beat the Hookers they need to take advantage of their one weakness. Ambivalence.

It’s a well-known fact that only three Hookers actually show up for games in July and August. Those unlucky three are usually selected in what’s come to be known as “Eitel Fight Club”. The losers are forced to represent purple and gold honor in brutal heat, normally while nursing massive internal injuries.

New team Captain Dustin Olson may have realized that this strategy has cost the Hookers championships in the past (when half of the team that played in the finals were missing spleens) but we’re still unclear if “Australian Rules Eitel Fight Club” is any less brutal. The answer to that question is not only the key to Sunday’s game but also, perhaps to Olson’s elusive BTSH championship dreams.

Dark Rainbows at Poutine Machine

By Poutine Beat reporter Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: When the BTSH goal scoring leaderboard were updated this week, there were 10 people with either 7 or 8 goals. But standing above them all is Brodie St. John, of the Machine. Little is known of Brodie outside of Poutine, and that’s just the way Sven Patrick wants it. I mean you can’t mark the guy if you don’t know who he is. It maybe one of the reasons why Poutine is at the top of the Larsen division.

The Rainbows despite having the leagues best player in Bernstein, are at the bottom of the division named after Sven. On paper, this has the makings of a pretty big mismatch. But scissors cuts paper, and rock goes right through paper in my book, so I’m going to go with an upset and pick the Rainbows to win 5-1!

Just kidding, Michael Scott made a living off of believing in paper, Poutine in a romp, 5-0. Expect Amsterdam Chelsea Hicks to get a goal.

Mathematics at Mega Touch

Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Grey meets grey (or is that gray) in what the Math are hoping will be an easy 2 pts for the Glanzer division leaders. Dream on. The Megas have been energized by recent close results and a new strategy courtesy of evil masterminds Alex Eben Meyer and Eric “Moustache Pete” Devlin. The Touchers (ewwww!) will be swapping their signature striped leg wear for state of the art compression socks guaranteed to make them all at least 10% faster. In addition, Julie “the Girl Who Gets Her Salsa From New York City” Katz has been studying with several of the world’s leading Krav Maga experts in preparation for an epic showdown with Laura “Brave” MacNeil. Laura – “If you could change your fate, would you?” Better decide quickly. The Megatouch Captain is already threatening to “Go all Manischewitz on your ass!” We’re not sure what that means but it doesn’t sound good.

Denim Demons at Fresh Kills

By Fresh Kills Beat reporter Eli “Scoop” Kazin

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: There were no games on the schedule this past Sunday, so Fresh Kills finally took President Obama up on his offer for the defending champions to visit the White House. However, one member of the team did not make the trek to Washington, D.C. for the weekend, as goaltender Patrick Barch chose to remain in New York City. Barch boycotted the White House celebration due to his belief that the federal government has grown out of control. Barch even released a statement, noting that “Today I exercised my right as a Free Citizen, and did not visit the White House. This was not about politics or party, as in my opinion both parties are responsible for the situation we are in as a country. This was about a choice I had to make as an individual.” Before the season started, Barch had notified his captain, Dave Sokolyansky, that he would not be accompanying his teammates to Washington, D.C. Sokolyansky could have required Barch to attend, but chose not to, adding “I can require someone to attend a team event. If they don’t, I can suspend him. But I’m not going to suspend Patrick. Whatever his position is, it isn’t representative of Fresh Kills or my own. But I’m not going to suspend him.” Despite Barch’s stance, President Obama kept the festivities lighthearted, making sure to single out each player on the team for his or her contributions to the 2011 championship. Obama also asserted that “Fresh Kills, as a team, was extremely respectful of the Office of the President. This is in stark contrast to last year, when that blonde-haired kid on the Happy Little Elves got hammered and destroyed the First Lady’s flower plantings in the Rose Garden.”

Rehabs at Skyfighters

By ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys:  I worry about the Rehabs, I really really do. Without the team’s Heart and Soul (a.k.a. MDF and Kehoe), they’re just not the same. If I were a betting girl (and the ORG has made it clear that there is not to be any betting), I’d say the slack could be picked up by Hillary (of “PlayHer of the Week” fame) and Nora. So, um…get to it, you guys.

The ‘Habs are coming off a loss from last game, while Sky Fighters, the team FG loves to hate, has a W for their last few games played. So, Rehabs, if you come out like the team I used to know (and also love to hate), you can put a few past James Stein and pull out the win for this, our true 4th of July weekend. Godspeed.

Happy Little Elves at What the Puck

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Keys:  With Shaun John DeLaC and most of the What the Puck roster already planning not to attend this game (at least that’s what we heard) it’s hard for the ORG to muster up much enthusiasm for this one. Even seeing  the odd couple of Chadwick and Glanzer reunited once more isn’t really making us feel for Jenna’s lovable losers. A 5:30 game. An ambivalent opponent. Gil. This has all the makings of a blowout. Still, if WTP’s Anthony Romeo is done with the four day bender he went on after finding out role model Martin Brodeur resigned with the Devils, he may show up and give Trevor and co. some trouble. What the hell, let’s pick WTP to win in a shootout.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Corlears Hookers (7-1-0) at What the Puck (5-1-0-2)

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Notes: The Hookers in another game of the week? Another matchup that’s best watched if you’re colorblind? Damn right. Why are we featuring the Wannabe Habs in the spotlight for a second week running? Justice, that’s why.

BTSH Fandom was robbed of the classic showdown they were hoping for last week when Hookers Captain/Goalie and Executive Producer Dustin Olson decided to host the BTSH All-Star game a month early. Unfortunately, he neglected to tell the Elves, and the result was a 6-1 drubbing that would send lesser players in to years of counseling.

Time for some payback and no one is better poised to bring it than the Orange Juggernaut. WTP has gone from being the team you love to hate to holding a special place in the affections of BTSH fans, largely due to the adorableness of the WTP farm team. With only Peter Putka’s adorable offspring bringing the cute factor for the non-family-friendly-named Hookers, WTP has already won the battle for the hearts and minds of their fellow hockey players. Now they just need to win the battle on the court.

Time for the Zimm to insist on roster checks and send Dustin, Al Huang and Jason Eitel’s mom a well-earned defeat.

Watchability: No doubt it will be another exciting match between these two top squads. But with a summer heat wave and a 5:30 pm start time, I wouldn’t even expect Hannah’s baby to be watching this one.

Poutine Machine at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Respect for the Gremlins who went through a bunch of off-season struggles and have put together a very respectable 3-5 record. It helps as well that one of those wins was against their French-Fry-eating opponents this week. No doubt, Poutine will be looking for revenge. But that’s where their French Canadian roots may betray them. If they follow the inspiration of the Quebecers they’re named after, they may accept a bad result for over 400 years but be really annoying in defeat (je me souviens, y’all). It will be up to team sparkplugs Marcus “the Boot” Bonee and Tracy “No Mercy” Ng to make sure that doesn’t happen. Meanwhile, Gremlin star Jon “Ex-Redpants” Rick has convinced his team to embrace a new philosophy when it comes to games. We’re not sure that existentialism and competitive sport are a good mix, but we applaud Jon’s willingness to try new things.

Sky Fighters at Filthy Gorgeous

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: For years, people have said that you only need to watch the last five minutes of any NBA game. The same might be true of these two teams.

Filthy lost a heartbreaker to Fresh Kills last week thanks mainly to Dave Sokol’s unwillingness to be Dustin Olson. Meanwhile, Skyfighters staged a last minute comeback against the Riots and pulled out a shootout victory.

So, here’s what you do: head over to Doc’s, get yourself a nice, pint-glass sized Bloody Mary and come watch this match with, oh, let’s say, 7 minutes left. You should see at least three goals and (depending on who’s winning) a lot of Czech cursing or a five-minute standup routine from Filthy’s Matt Novick. Either is worth the price of admission.

La Famiglia at Denim Demons

By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys:  

Remember Attack of the Killer Tomatoes?  That was a great movie.  The Denim Demons of yesteryear remind me of that classic 1978 film.  The Red Army of old stomped through opposing competition, running amok in the Bratta Division.  This year’s squad is reminiscent of the movie’s end, all shrunken vegetables and shattered dreams.  With half of the squad leaving for rainbow colored pastures, Adam “Where’s My Nickname” Rubens’ team is in rebuilding mode.  With new acquisitions like Brian “Mr. Nice Guy” Kubocik and Jen “Jersey Pride” Popack, the team is looking to build with youth and wanton drunkenness.  My kind of people.   But don’t count the perennial powerhouses out just yet.  With Coach between the pipes and Mike Pereira finding his scoring touch, this team can beat anybody any given weekend, proven last Sunday with a 2-1 victory over the Butchers.    

Remember The Godfather?  That was a great movie.  When you first meet Don Corleone, he looks like a doddering old fool with cotton balls in his cheeks.  Fast forward an hour, and he’s a dangerous fella.  La Famiglia of this year mirrors the classic Coppola film in more ways than one.  Starting the season off slow, The Family has since made the Brown division an offer they can’t refuse.  Give us the respect we deserve or we’ll bring the pain.  What The Puck learned this the hard way last week in a 3-1 defeat to the Omnipotent Octopi (this nickname is based on the vague notion that their new uniforms have an octopus on them.  If not, blame it on a Templeton Rye induced blackout).  La Famiglia has found their form but if they look past the Denim Demons, they may be in for a rude awakening. 

Dr Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction – When we arrived at Ace Bar, we were surrounded by wild, mutant vegetables.  All frothing and drinking and making a ruckus.  Luckily, Dave Ladanyi was there to beat them back to oblivion as Famiglia will do to the Demons by a score of 2 – 1. 

Mega Touch at Cobra Kai

By ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: 

Mega Touch at Cobra Kai is one of those games that you’d think would slip under the radar. You’d be wrong about that, however.  Last week, Cobra Kai faced Gut Rot and won 10-1 (!!), while (You’ve Got the) Touch only eked 2 points past the Gremlins. 

The heat, however, is going to be the great equalizer. It’s gonna be hot as balls this week. Like, old-school-August-break hot. So keep some ice in your pants, and watch Cobra Kai squeak a win against MT by the skin of their teeth.

 Happy Little Elves at Gut Rot

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: 

Both teams are coming off of drubbings last week (Jenna’s lovable losers lost 6-1 to the aforementioned Hookers while the Rotties had a bad day and a 10-1 defeat from Cobra Kai). We’d like to think that the two sides would comfort each other, like survivors of other traumatic experiences like the Bosnian War or a night on the town with Ellery. Unfortunately, we know this won’t be the case. Why? Mary Pratt. She’s returned to GutRot to take the promised land of the playoffs and she’s sworn to carve a path through any team that gets in her way. We have it on good authority from Dave that she’s repeatedly watched the hockey classic SLAPSHOT while muttering “Dr. Hook. He had the right idea.” This should be a very fun game if the refs can control Pratt’s hooligan tendencies. But if the umps put their whistles in their pockets … there will be blood.

Gouging Anklebiters at Dark Rainbows

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Two sides that have seen significant roster changes this year go head to head and … no, we can’t do this. We need to talk about Abby Meisterman.

Abby joined the best damn reporting team in hockey. And we were happy to have her. But to date she’s yet to submit a single assignment. Sure, she’s had good excuses: “I’m in St. Croix,” “I have avian bone syndrome but only in my fingers,” “I don’t really like writing for the site and I’m pretty sure I never agreed to this.” But we’re not buying it. She’s clearly part of Rich Glanzer’s transparent attempt to sabotage the site.

Plus, she has yet to get together with teammate Mike Dudelovitch, thwarting our attempts to refer to the two of them as “Dudemeister”.

You broke our hearts, Abby.

Game prediction: GAB over Rainbows 3-2 in a shootout.

Butchers at Rehabs

By BTSH’s Answer to Pierre Maguire, Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM

Game Keys: The Butchers play the Reeeeeee-haaaaaabbbs in this Reeeeee—maaaaatch of the 2010 playoffs in which Arthur scored in a shootout to send the Rehabbers to an early postseason bender. Last week Arthur, Ben Bloom and Rachel Greene pulled double duty and played for the Hookers against the Elves. This week the Hookers offered to repay the favor and play for the Butchers, but Larry Zimmer of WTP vetoed that agreement since the Rehabs are the minor league affiliate of WTP.

So now that the game will be void of Hooker Ringers, who will win this matchup? The Butchers, since the Rehabs SUCK! OK, I really don’t think the Rehabs suck but Sven keeps writing that and I keep getting accused by Rehabbers of being the one to write it, so I sorta wanted to actually say it.

The Rehabs are actually quite good. They have the best fore-checking team in the league and a good not great team defense. The Butchers have better BTSH superstars and if they can match the Rehabs intensity, they will have the edge. I see that happening and give the Butchers a 2-0 victory.

Not-so-fun fact: Rob B. said, “Since Kehoe and MDF are going to be gone next season, I may join Romeo and whatshername and play for the WTP come September.” True story, he actually said that.*

Tompkins Square Riots at Lbs. Inc.

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: We were tempted to make this Game of the Week, largely due to the performance that the resurgent Riots put in against the Skyfighters last week. TSR dominated the first half of that game and it took a Messier-like individual effort from Martin Cejka to get the ‘Fighters the “W.” If they can bring the same form this week against the Lbs., expect this to be a very entertaining match. They’ll need every ounce of talent they have as Sasha’s Preppy Puckies are marching to a Brown division win with the inevitability of a Romney nomination campaign. Can the Riots be Rick Santorum for a week? Let’s watch.

Fresh Kills at Mathematics

By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter Eli Kazin

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys:  Hey, remember when Scott Lee used to play for the Mathematics? Derek Tagliarino sure does, and he can take solace in knowing that since Lee left Math to join Fresh Kills, life has been rather unkind to Lee. First, Lee choked away a late lead in the Fastest Male Competition at the 2011 BTSH Skills Competition, allowing David Kenneth Fraser to claim the title of fastest male in BTSH. Then, due to an inability to finish on his bevy of scoring chances, Lee was demoted to Fresh Kills’ fourth line, where his line mates were Nick Scott’s Labrador retriever and a cardboard cutout of Steph Opitz. Finally, Lee’s passion for the game of street hockey waned significantly, forcing him into an early semi-retirement. Lee’s plight, however, is fairly common among former Mathematics, as many have suffered a similar fate after leaving for supposedly greener pastures. Sarah “T-Bone” Torneten joined the Happy Little Elves midway through the 2009 season, but blew out her knee soon after, and missed large parts of multiple seasons. Georgine Paulin bolted for the Butchers prior to the start of the 2010 season, and is consistently greeted with a lusty chorus of boos from the fans whenever she touches the ball. Even Hector “$h0wT!m3” Melendez (yes, he was a Mathematic for half a season) has not been immune to this misfortune. His Battledome presence is a shell of what it once was and he was not even put on the 2012 BTSH All-Star Game fan ballot, which was released last week. Additionally, no former Mathematic has even won a BTSH Media Award after leaving the team, while many current Mathematics possess a Media Award, including those beloved btsh.org editors emeritus (2011’s Best Duo, yo!). Oh, and as for this game, Math is so going to win.

Editor’s Note: We always thought those “Media Awards” were rigged. We’ll be petitioning the Commissioner’s office for some representatives from Price-Waterhouse to attend this year’s ceremony.