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GAME OF THE WEEK

Corlears Hookers (6-1-0) at Happy Little Elves (4-1-0-2)

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Notes: Yes, folks it’s a rematch of the championship game that Rich Glanzer hasn’t stopped talking about for three years. How could we not pick it as Game of the Week? While there’s no question that this is a marquee matchup, that’s about the only thing not in doubt about this week’s game. Among the many queries on the minds of interested observers:

1)     Is Dustin Olson a legitimate Captain or just a puppet leader? So far he’s escaped the Luongo curse but no one really believes that a goalie is the mastermind behind the league’s second most potent offence. Rumors are flying about rampant Sudafed use in the Hookers locker room, a stratagem cooked up by team veteran Al “Sniffles” Huang.

2)    Which team will Jason Eitel play for this week? Photos on this very website lead many to believe that the Elves have pulled off the biggest recruitment coup since Kamdyn Moore decided there were too many lesbians on the Rehabs (at least that’s the reason she’s been giving the ORG for her departure). Your intrepid reporter tried to get the inside scoop for you, dear readers but by the time we caught up with Eitel he and Arthur “Big Red” Revechkis had already polished off their first bottle of whiskey. Eitel’s drunken protestations that “I need Elf love!” only fueled speculation that he had either switched teams or finally revealed his hidden love of LORD OF THE RINGS cosplayers.

3)    Will the Elves ever win a shootout? A rotating cast in net hasn’t helped matters. But so far this season, the Elves have been like Dave Sokol in the ACE bar. They look good but can’t finish. If goalie Shawn “Tenacious D” Lazee is between the Pipes, the Elves might finally turn that trend around. Otherwise, look for the Hookers to play for the tie and win it in the skills competition.

Watchability: Hard to call. There’s no doubt that this will be a great game. But if the Hookers wear their purple outfits and the Elves are in their signature green, this will be a hard one to watch for anyone with any sort of fashion sense.

Butchers at Denim Demons

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: The Butchers are coming off of a tough OT loss to the Rainbows last week while a short-sided Demons team managed to take the resurgent Anklebiters to a full-on tie. With only a week’s break this time expect both teams to come surging out of the box in a hard fought battle. That’s what we would write if this game weren’t scheduled at 1 pm. Most of the Butchers will be coming to the game straight from their previous nights activities (rumor has it that team offensive dynamo Georgine Paulin didn’t even know there was a one o’clock in the afternoon). Meanwhile, Demons Captain Adam Rubens aka the Herb Brooks of BTSH has given strict orders that no one is to leave the Demons compound the night before the match. Will this result in a focused squad or Nashville Predators style suspensions for team roustabouts Jeff Kamen and Aaron “Coach” Pagdon? One thing is for sure; if the Butchers want to win this one they better bring extra shoes for co-Captain and part time ragamuffin Rachel Greene.

Gouging Anklebiters at Mathematics

By Derek Tagliarino Fan club President Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Last year when these two teams met, some of the legends of BTSH were asked what they thought of the matchup.

Future Hall of Famer and newest Elf Jason Eitel said, “Who vs. who?” Trevor Beauclair said, “None of those players are as good or pretty as me, eh?” And while we’re not sure what exactly Martin Cejka said because we don’t speak Czechoslovakian, it sorta sounded like, “No talent fucktards.”

But a new season has brought some new talent to these two teams. Instead of fighting for the 16th seed, these two teams are battling it out for first. Joe P., Craig and Coco have brought new life to the Biters, as they are the clear favorites to win the most prestigious division in hockey. But Math won’t be coming to this gunfight with a knife. They bring BTSH’s newest sensation, Zach Norris. Unlike Madonna, Pele, and Zach Norris’s hero Cher, Zach Norris demands that you call him by his full name at all times. And dammit Zach Norris deserves the respect because he once had a good game for Math. Once.

I see Math really putting a lot of pressure on the Biters. The Math captain will have them ready to play and I see a 3-2 victory for the Mathletes.

Filthy Gorgeous at Fresh Kills

By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter Eli Kazin

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: It is another Bratta Division battle on the docket for Fresh Kills this week, as the defending champs line up against Filthy Gorgeous and the league’s top ranked offense.  Leading the way for Filthy Gorgeous is the duo of “Gentleman” James Pereira and Sunny Mehra, who have combined to score 15 of the team’s 24 goals on the season.  Pereira currently leads the league with eight goals through seven weeks of play, while Mehra’s seven tallies put him in a multi-way tie for second.  As a team, Filthy Gorgeous has put up four or more goals in five of seven games this season, including last week’s overtime loss to the Tompkins Square Riots.  Fresh Kills, however, does not seem to be intimidated by this offensive showing.  Dave Sokolyansky’s squad held Filthy Gorgeous to its lowest output of the season in a 5-1 win in Week 2, the only regulation loss Filthy Gorgeous has suffered to this point.  Five different players scored a goal in that win for Fresh Kills, and a similar effort will likely be needed if the team is going to sweep the season series with Filthy Gorgeous.

Sky Fighters at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: 

The Riots are coming off an upset victory against Filthy Gorgeous last week that could be the turning point in their season. Whether it was the purposeful absence of Amy Jones or the inspiration that Euro 2012 is providing Patrick Blohme, they looked like the team that easily swept their division a couple of years ago. Unfortunately for TSR as the football festival continues the teams Europeans (who also happen to be their top goal scorers) will be increasingly distracted. Luckily, Sky Fighters face the exact same problem. The solution seems very simple to all of us here at the ORG. Find a friendly bar with a big screen (Kelly’s would be our pick) and settle the whole thing with a good old-fashioned bubble hockey match. In fact, let’s make that an option for all the teams in the league this year.

Are you with me, Captains? And, no, Greg Altman, this does not mean you should go out and recruit “Peggy” for Cobra Kai.

What the Puck at La Famiglia

By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Question:  Will goaltender and Devils uber-fan Anthony Romeo finally play a game in his custom made WTP jersey now that the Stanley Cup Finals are over?

Question:  Will The Family’s Alfred Liu ever stop being polite, and start getting real?

Question:  Can What The Puck maintain their dominance of the Brown Division lead against a surging La Famiglia squad?

While we may have to wait until Sunday to get the answer to these inquiries, this matchup means a great deal to both participants.  Despite a tough 2-1 OT loss at the hands of The Corporation, the Orange Armada comes into this matchup as the only team in the league that has yet to lose in regulation.  Experts are unsure if this is due to the offensive production of Tom McDonald or the goalie blinding effect created by the bling of Michelle Doucet’s engagement ring.  Famously known for attendance issues as the weather heats up, What The Puck looks to keep that zero in the loss column for as long as they can.

On the other side of the court sits La Famiglia, a team that’s starting to find a real groove in their new divisional home.  Last week’s 4-1 drubbing of the Sky Fighters served as a coming out party for the dynamic duo of Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and Denis Miciletto as the pair combined for three goals.  With a clicking offense, their famously stingy defense and the sound goaltending of Tim Kayiatos all working in unison, the Yellow and Red seem to have found their rhythm in the highly competitive Brown Division.  This will not be an easy out for the Tropicana Terrors.

Dr. Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction = Like the San Francisco drug culture in the mid-sixties, all good things must come to an end.  3 – 2 in favor of the former Tuques.

Gut Rot at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Gut Rot won a game last week! How will they handle the potential of a possible winning streak? Probably the same way they handle everything else, with equal parts hockey skill, laid back attitude and (probably) new t-shirts. Cobra Kai also won last week and they’ll be looking to keep their streak going. Personality wise, they’re the opposite of the Rot, an intense, focused team that takes its name seriously. But with a ton of new players on the roster they lack the familiarity and team unity of the former Mexican Standoff crew. Plus, they don’t have a guy named Gilligan on their squad. And, as hours of TV rerun viewing have taught us, you should never bet against a Gilligan. Advantage, GutRot.

Gremlins at Mega Touch

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Come on, teams. Give us something to work with here. Luke from Gremlins is nice. Julie from Mega Touch is nice. Jon from Gremlins is nice. Even the goalies are nice. And we can only spend so many weeks making fun of Adriano. We need a storyline for this one guys. Is this the game where Meyer gives up impersonating Tintin and wears regular socks? Where Mark MacAdam choreographs a team musical number? Where Eric Devlin smiles?

This will be a nice game. Somebody let us know if anything happens, ok?

Poutine Machine at Dark Rainbows

By ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys:  There are tons of players on Poutine Machine. We know this. Each week, the courts are lousy with white- or blue-shirted Machiners swarming around like french fries.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. This deep-benched team knows how to play with each other (heehee), as their roster has pretty much remained unchanged. And while the Rainbows are coming off of a win last week, and PM a loss, the 2012 Rainbows are a much newer team.

This Kazin division game could go either way. I’ll take some action on it, actually. Are we allowed to bet actual money on these games? I’m pretty sure I’d take Poutine Machine on a low stakes bet, but I can be convinced…

Editor’s Note: While the ORG does not condone wagering, we do appreciate that Monica did not actually bet against her husband. On the other hand, what’s up with this “low stakes bet” crap?

Rehabs at Lbs. Inc

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Keys:  We’ll forego all the easy black and white jokes here as well as the usual Amy Winehouse and Republican references we trot out whenever these two teams play. Instead we want to commend the Rehabs for dedicating the season to their two departing Captains. Whether it’s the teamwide embrace of “the Hummus & Shwarma diet” in honor of MDF or Bryan Welch’s donation of an old bean bag chair and lava lamp to Stacy Kehoe (“You know, for college”), the men & women in black are going to miss their inspirational leaders. Only Jon Feldman’s blatant campaigning for the “C” has marred their farewell tour so far. Giving away poster of the Winkelvoss Twins and inviting teammates to go “boating” may have worked on your Wharton classmates (or the Lbs. for that matter) but the ‘Habs are not so easily swayed. So come on Carsten , Ken and company. Put on your Nathan Horton and Brooks Orpik jerseys and let the Slam Sisters (or at least one of them) terrorize you one more time. You know it’s the right thing to do.

 

GAME OF THE WEEK

Gut Rot (1-4-1-0) at MegaTouch (1-5-0-0)

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: After another extended break, BTSH is back in action and we’ve got a somewhat unusual pick for Game of the Week. Some may question the wisdom of choosing two teams with two wins between them as the spotlight matchup but those who do need to learn their BTSH history.

The Touch and the Rot (aka Standoff) are two of the oldest franchises in the league and whenever the two meet, it harkens back to the golden age of the league. If old timers squint a little they may see the ghost of Molly Jacobs throwing up on the sidelines or a young Alec Eben Meyer introducing striped socks to the league. The combination of laid back play, mild intoxication, and Peaches hitting on the opposing team’s female players (usually during the game) are not something we see often these days. More’s the pity.

Of course, both teams have upped their talent level this year and it may be that even these famously mellow franchises will now embrace the new BTSH standard of “win or die”. If it’s up to Eric Devlin and Matt Workman to set the tone for this game, expect a bloodbath.

Personally, we’re hoping for a kinder, gentler matchup. The kind of game that Adriano “Lame Duck” Bratta is always encouraging the Captains to embrace. At least until he gets shut down and starts cursing at the refs in Italian.

Say it with us, AB. “Via tranquile.”

Watchability: 4 very chill mimosas

Dark Rainbows at Butchers

By ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: This week, the Butchers face the Rainbows in what can only be described as…

OK let’s be real, here. I have no true insight to this game. But here’s what I do know: the Butchers won by a whole lot the last time we played, and the Rainbow-Demons didn’t even eke out a point.

So, while I love writing about the Butchers, I’m going to put this one all on DR. Specifically, Abby Meisterman. Abby, I’m putting this entire game on you. So win it for the DR (not the Dominican Republic, though I’m sure they’d appreciate it, too). Make your team…. THE MOST INTERESTING TEAM IN THE WORLD.

Cobra Kai at Poutine Machine

By Poutine Machine Beat Reporter Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Jo-Ann asked me to “keep on bettin on us to lose bekause we alywaease win and its not juts bekuse of Timmay.”

Sorry Ms. Provencher, I don’t take requests, I call them as I sees them, and I sees you guys putting a whoopin’ on the Dojo this week. Timmay aint afraid of Daniel LaRussa, Hilary Swank or that little black kid who co-starred with Swank. 5-0 for Sven’s army.

Editor’s Note: We’re taking Glanzer off of the Poutine Beat (at least, temporarily). When Richie only writes four sentences and picks us to win, you know his heart’s not in it anymore.

Happy Little Elves at Rehabs

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys:  While for many, this may seem like just another league matchup, for Rich Glanzer, this is the biggest game of the year. All those skeeball losses, all those mocking comments from Kehoe and Danberg-Ficharelli, his unrequited bromance with Bryan Welch (sorry, Rich, you know he only has eyes for Feldman). This is his chance for payback and he’ll do his best to carry the entire Elves team to victory over the Men (and women) in black.

Unfortunately, no one else feels this way. In fact, Trevor Beauclair and Ryan Nakahara spent most of the break asking Jenna why the Rehabs suck and looking for some way to get motivated about a non-fairytale cup game. Meanwhile, Rehabs goalie Hilary Meyer has been studying Jonathan Quick and drawing inspiration from her fellow goalie in black. If the Kings win it on Saturday night, expect her to come out on fire and steal the game from a sleeping Elves side.

Sorry, Richie. Looks like there’s going to be some new content on sadrichie.com come Monday.

Mathematics at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: 

After some early success this season, the Gremlins have run in to typical first season growing pains. They’re still a very competitive squad but they’re not catching people by surprise in the same way they have in previous weeks. And coming off a somewhat arbitrary rivalry week (since no team was willing to change their name to “the Blenders” ), motivation is going to be an issue for everyone except Luke “Mr. Excitement”. Wily veterans Mark McAdam and Caitlin Ervin will have to pull a few tricks out of their hat to keep their team focused against the gritty Mathletes.

While Derek Tagliarino swears he’s not just biding time until Donovan Pratt is ready for league play he has to bring more discipline to his side. We’re not just talking about Laura McNeil’s current reign of terror, opposing players are used to her intense play and hearing disturbing queries like “what is the purpose of your life?” and “If God exists, why are the Coyotes still in Phoenix?” But two weeks ago, team sparkplug Eli Kazin could barely get out of first gear after an all-night session writing the longest game preview in BTSH history. We know it’s not as easy to do bed checks as it used to be but get your player(s) under control Coach.

Oh yeah, Math will probably win this one.

Filthy Gorgeous at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: The hottest team in the league takes on a gifted offensive side. Should be a goalfest, right?

No way, folks. With the addition of Kamdyn “Stonewall” Moore to the backend, Filthy have morphed in to something they’ve never been in their five-year history – an elite defensive squad. Yes, Jean “the Quiet Canadian” Hebert has been one of the league’s top defensemen for years but the former Rehab and the return of Becky “I didn’t mean to steal that towel” Novick have pushed the Filthy D to a whole new level. Meanwhile, Amy Jones’ squad is looking to right the ship. Veteran D-man Scott Townsend will need to refocus the side and lead by example if they want to avoid a blowout.

Personally, we think the Riots’ best chance is relying on confusion on the part of James “Shots” Periera. The gentleman goal scorer isn’t used to playing with a winning record this early in the season and he may tank the game, just to get back in his comfort zone. You might want to have someone suggest that to him, Riots.

Lbs. Inc. at What the Puck

Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Relief is in store for Larry “Still in shock over the no-hitter” Zimmerman as the Devils season will soon be over and team goalie Anthony Romeo will be only be obsessed with wedding planning and Lindsey Lohan. Even an unfocused Romeo has helped WTP put up one of the best records in the league but if Brodeur and co. end their season on Saturday night expect Romes to still be dealing with it on Sunday afternoon.

That’s good news for the Lbs. who have a long-standing rivalry with the Orange juggernaut. In fact, rumor has it that Carsten and Ken were going to go out and buy Kings jerseys for everyone on their team. Their efforts to boost LBs. psychological edge was thwarted when other players realized that LA’s colors were black and silver not black and platinum. Lbs. have their standards and hopefully that combination of snobbery and a sense of entitlement (combined with the distraction of a Yankees-Mets series) will help win the day for them.

Denim Demons at Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: After significantly upgrading their talent level, the GABs had been struggling to find some Ws the last few weeks. A rivalry week victory over the Lbs. was just what they needed to get headed in the right direction again. So much so that goalie Craig Lacombe was seen drunkenly wandering the streets of Williamsburg proclaiming, “it’s the Year of the Dog and the Dog is me!” Of course, that may have nothing to do with hockey. We try not to learn too much about Craig’s personal life.

The Demons, on the other hand, lost a heartbreaker to WTP last time out. But Captain Adam Reubens took heart in the fact that his side is starting to resemble Demons squad of old. Their tenacious, aggressive style and the return to form of Zack “the original BTSH Zack” Tinkelman are both good signs that Hell’s hockey players are back.

Expect this one to turn on a late goal or a shootout win by one of these two talented sides.

Fresh Kills at Corlears Hookers

By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter Eli Kazin

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys:  Fresh Kills enters this critical Bratta Division matchup on a winning note, as the defending champions dispatched their friendly rival, the Tompkins Square Riots, back on May 20 to end a two-game winless streak. The 4-2 win was highlighted by a surprise guest appearance from semi-retired forward Scott Lee, who actually finished for once and chipped in a goal. The Corlears Hookers come into this Sunday’s game in a tie with Filthy Gorgeous for the division lead, and have lost just once this season. However, that negative mark on their ledger occurred in their most recent game by a 4-2 score on Rivalry Day to their divisional co-leader. Fresh Kills and the Hookers have already met once this season, in Week 5, when the Corlears Hookers were victorious in a shootout. The star of that game for Fresh Kills was forward Nick Hobbs, who tallied both of his team’s goals.

La Famiglia at Skyfighters

By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Keys:  Two teams bound by similar records, stats and criminal charges, the Sky Fighters meet La Famiglia in this tense Week 8 divisional matchup.  When looking at this battle from a statistical point of view, it’s easy to see these are two very even teams.  With only one point separating the third place Fighters from the fourth place Family, this game means more than the usual bragging rights.  To prepare for the contest, offensive threat Martin Cejka has entrenched himself into a strict dietary regiment consisting only of goat cheese, egg whites and Thomas’ Toast-R-Cakes.  Admit it…you now crave the cake.  To combat this unorthodox training method, La Famiglia’s resident face Alfred Liu has forced his squad to watch multiple viewings of the film MVP.  His rationale?  If a damn, dirty ape can make a junior ice hockey team look silly, the combined talents of La Famiglia should make the Ozone Combatants look like they’re running on banana peels.  Expect a tightly played game.  All bets are off if the monkey shows up.