btsh.org

 

GAME OF THE WEEK

Happy Little Elves (0-1-0-2) at Denim Demons(1-2-0)

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Notes

What? A matchup between two Bratta division cellar dwellers is the Game of the Week? Has the ORG lost it already?

Fret not, BTSHers, there’s a lot more to this game than meets the eye. First of all, both these teams are much better than their records indicate. Second of all, they have a long and sometimes bitter history of encountering each other in crucial late season or playoff games. And finally, their Captains are early favorites for the Mike Milbury Intensity award (especially since Pete Putka isn’t a captain any longer). The potential for drama here is extreme.

Keys To The Game:
1. The Elves continuing goaltending controversy. Will Shaun DeLacey return from is contract holdout? Or will the thrill of watching the Flyers score an average of eight goals a game renew his demands to be the Elves new starting center?

2. Is this the week the Demons find their chemistry? They looked great in week 2 but were thoroughly outmatched by an experienced Hookers team that’s plowing through the league right now. Can grizzled veterans Rubens and Tinkelman use their dark arts to bring the team back to the cult like status they’ve enjoyed in seasons past?
3. Will Jeff Kamen’s campaign to have the Demons entered in to this year’s Fairytale Cup competition succeed? Kamen has argued that Demons are mythical creatures too and should be allowed to have a shot at one of ball hockey’s most coveted trophies. If this game turns in to an FT cup qualifier then all bets are off.

Patrick’s Pick: Expect a tight match but this may end up being the first time the Elves win in a shootout this season. The teams stack up pretty evenly talent wise but the Elves experience may give them the edge over a Demons squad that is still learning how to play together.

Watchability: 4 Pitchforks

 

What the Puck at Cobra Kai

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Last week’s loss to the Rehabs aside, WTP are starting the season as strong as Larry’s beloved Mets. Which means it’s probably time for the losing to begin in earnest, right? That would be good news for the Dojo who have yet to notch a “W” themselves. Their ruling troika has been huddled all week in an effort to turn things around and desperate times are calling for desperate measures. Rumor has it that team Captain and soccer bigwig Will Kuhns has signed a sponsorship deal with the New York Cosmos franchise. He’s certain that the addition of football legend Pele to the squad will turn their fortunes around. We didn’t have the heart to tell him that Creamy has already ruled the Bicycle Kick Wristshot illegal. Look for WTP to put off their emulation of the ‘Mazins for one more week and get the victory here (although both Mets and Flyers fans will tell you that no one should underestimate the ability of teams in orange to lose games they should win).

Megatouch at Skyfighters

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: On paper this looks like a mismatch. Despite the heroic efforts the ORG has come to expect from the Mega core of Meyer, Katz and other players named after delis, Megatouch  have struggled against upper division teams.

Luckily, paper doesn’t win hockey games. Mega can take advantage of the fact that it’s NHL playoff time to throw Skyfighters Captain Dan Hopper and Goalie James Stein off their game big time. Here is just a sample of the taunts they have prepared for Sunday’s match:

“It’s not your fault. LA’s just a great hockey town.”

“Do you think when one Sedin twin gets a concussion, the other feels it?”

“At least you’re not losing in the finals this time.”

“Nothing good has come out of Vancouver since they stopped shooting the X-Files.”

With the Captain and goalie in a state of mental anguish all they have to do is shut down Martin, Robert and the rest of the Skyfighters lethal offence. Piece of cake, right?

Mathematics at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Mathematics are off to a great start this year but they’re going to need everything they’ve got to stop a Riots team that is plowing through its Glanzer division rivals. So kudos to Captain Derek Tagliarino for proposing to Michelle Doucet in an effort to motivate his team. Telling his fellow players that she’s threatening to call off the engagement if they don’t win may be a strategy that gets old after five or ten games but it should be pretty effective this week. Meanwhile Amy Jones celebrated her recent half-marathon finish by not playing last week. The strategy was so effective that she’s planning to run an ultramarathon this week and not show up at the court at all. If she can pull it off, expect the scoreline on this one to look like last Wednesday’s Penguins-Flyers game.

Rehabs at Dark Rainbows

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Say what you will about the Rehabs they’re a passionate team. And that passion was on full display as they beat arch foes the ex-Rehabs (aka What the Puck) last week. The victory was only marred by Stacy Kehoe’s drunken assault on various BTSH members in the Ace Bar after the game. Only time will tell if this unfortunate incident will prevent Kehoe from winning the Stacy Kehoe award this year. Still, the Rehabs need to beware of a letdown and the Dark Rainbows are just the kind of team to take advantage of any lapse on their part. It’s always a tight game when these two classic franchises battle and the fact that uber Capitals fan Mike and uber Boston fan MDF will be facing off against each other only ups the stakes. The only thing we can guarantee about this game? Rehabs still suck.

Fresh Kills at Poutine Machine

By newly appointed Poutine Beat writer Rich Glanzer

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: As new Poutine beat writer (later Tuques) last week was a mixed bag. They pulled off a first half stinker as they were down 4-0. As I was walking to the bathroom to puke from watching them leave my man Tim Brown out to dry, I heard Dan Hopper of the Sky Fighters say (and this actually is a true story), “Guys, lets not get sloppy in the 2nd half.” (this ends the true story part) All the Chexkz laughed and scornfully looked at Hopper and started cursing him out in a foreign language, most likely Checkslivoikiaianzxcx. But low and behold Hopper made like the Penguins, gave up the huge lead and Poutine tied it on the strength of their captain Sven scoring a big goal.

This week our heroes go against Fresh Kills, the champions of the league. This game has all the makings of 2-1, and it really depends more on attendance than anything else. Still if everyone shows up, you gots to give the edge to Fresh Kills, since you know, they are the champions. But I’m going to go with a 2-2 tie here. Ariel, you got to come up with a new move vs. Tim. Your move will work vs. any other goalie but Tim, and maybe deLacey. 

Editor’s note: I apologize to my Czech sister-in-law for this one.

Gouging Anklebiters at Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: The new look Puck Puppies face their toughest test yet as they go up against the juggernaut that is the 2012 Corlears Hookers. The good news for Donahue and Co.? They were competitive with the Hookers when they were *ahem* somewhat talent challenged. Yes, the Anklebiters have been the Ottawa Senators to the Hookers New York Rangers (yeah, I went there), a lower ranked team that still found a way to cause their higher ranked opponents conniptions. With all the recent talent that the GABs have acquired, this may their game. Goalie/Captain/Team Chaplain Dustin Olson will have to remember the advice of legendary coach Jeremy Schumacher – “Make sure you cover both Alex and Joe.”

Butchers at Filthy Gorgeous

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Want to beat either of these teams? Set up a mirror on the sidelines. They’re so vain, they probably think this writeup is about them.  Seriously, their pre-season player drafts look like auditions for America’s Next Top Model. This game will probably resemble speed dating more than hockey.

In the end, I’ve got to give the edge on this one to Filthy. Not because Monica is my wife (although that’s a pretty good reason). But because Filthy is deep enough to be friends with the brainy kid who turns out to be super sweet and the one you were looking for all along (Hi, Jean!). The Butchers version of this is Arthur Revechkis, who while being extremely funny is also Russian and not to be trusted. Advantage FG. 

Lbs. Inc at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Gremlins have been one of the early surprises of the season, playing a tight forechecking game that grinds down opponents and then scoring opportunistic, counterpunch goals. They look so much like the 1995 New Jersey Devils that Anthony Romeo has already offered to switch teams twice. They also boast one of the best new uniforms of the year. We publicly wished to see the AMC Gremlin appear on their team shirts and seeing that wish comes true earns them some ORG love (even though Poutine were one of the teams victimized by the aforementioned suffocating defense). We really want to pick them to pull off another upset over ball hockey’s equivalent of Mitt Romney but there’s one big thing working against them – altitude. Lbs. players are on average a foot taller than their Gremlins counterparts and even though we’re playing hockey not basketball, it’s going to make a big difference. After all Sam’s legal windup is about head height for most of the Gizmos. Unless they can bust out some serious platform running shoes to match their ‘70s shirts, this could be a rough one for the Yellow Furies.

La Famiglia at GutRot

Location: Tompkins West 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Speaking of team uniforms what was up with those new shirts La Famiglia debuted last week? Is it a Detroit Red Wings tribute?  A tip of the hat to Denis Miciletto’s mom’s polpi in ulmido recipe? The name of Dave Ladanyi’s new offensive strategy? We’re thoroughly stumped. Meanwhile, Gut Rot are due to debut a new team shirt of their own. It’s been four weeks after all. La Famiglia were the surprise hit of the year in 2011 and while GutRot may not quite meet those marks, they’re a vastly improved team from last year and may surprise the Cosa Nostra. With a late start (always helpful for the Whiskey Warriors) and La Fams own confusion about their new attire, this one could go either way.

 

 

GAME OF THE WEEK

Filthy Gorgeous (1-1-0) at Happy Little Elves(0-2-0)

Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM

Game Notes:It ain’t easy being green. Just ask the Elves who’ve lost in a shootout two games in a row. Most blame the losses on goalie Sean DeLacey who has complained that the lack of the omnipresent shadow thrown off by Ben Chadwick has affected his sensitivity to light. DeLacey has vowed to play this week’s game in vintage 80’s Ray Bans that teammate Gil Valdes used in the early ’80s when he was the world’s highest paid Tom Cruise impersonator.Meanwhile, the Filthy’s are at .500 and team Captain Monica Russo is starting to question the wisdom of a seven player bench. “Matt Novick was complaining about playing time during our last game,” she explained. “But I still want the other team to feel like we’ve got a full roster. So we’re going to try some different things.” Does this explain why your infamous “box of wigs” is missing from our second bedroom, Monica? Look for scoring threats James Perriera and Dana Kravis to go through multiple :Lady GaGa like costume changes during this game.

Keys To The Game:
1. Can Rich Glanzer stay focused on hockey. Or will he spend his time on the sidelines lining up numerous skeeball bets instead of coaching?
2. Suvin Malik and Sunny Mehra have grown tired of the Lawrence Fishburne-Samuel L. Jackson identity confusion that has haunted them in recent seasons. Will Mehra’s decision to get a full face tattoo similar to Mike Tyson’s make him more recognizable and result in increased attention from the Elves defenders?
3. Rumor has it that new co-captain Jenna Cruff is campaigning to change the team name to the “Good looking but weirdly asexual like in LORD OF THE RINGS” Elves. Glanzer has sworn that this agression will not stand. How will the rest of the Elves locker room respond.

Patrick’s Pick: Look for a third shootout loss by the Elves. They’re defense can shut down the FG offense during regulation and Filthy’s short bench makes them prone to giving up late goals. But in the end, FG has the guns to take it in extra innings.
Watchability: 4.0 Chers

Cobra Kai at Gouging Anklebiters

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: The dojo are also looking for their first win of the season. And after an impressive season opener, the Anklebiters cooled down a little last week. They also don’t do well in early morning games (yes 1 pm is early morning for the Anklebiters). Cobra Kai have a cool cobra on their shirts. Anklebiters have a cool bulldog on their uniforms. Wouldn’t that be a cool Adult Swim show? Cobra vs. Bulldog? I could see staying up late at night watching a Cobra vs. Bulldog marathon. Then realizing it was 6 am and I had a game in seven hours. Unfortunately, most of the Anklebiters have similar thought processes. So this may be Cobra Kai’s week.

Denim Demons at Corlears Hookers

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: The Hookers are currently steamrolling opponents while the Demons are shaping up nicely after a tough opening week loss. But are the Devil Worshippers ready for a challenge like the machine that is the Hookers? Sorry Adam but the answer is probably no. Don’t worry though. The Hookers have made the fatal decision of making a goalie their captain. And while we have nothing but love for Dustin “Merlin” Olson this latest development makes the Hookers look more and more like the Vancouver Canucks (the Kearney brothers already eerily resemble the Sedins). So even if the Demons lose this regular season game, they can draw solace in the fact that the Hookers will probably have an epic collapse in the playoffs (Of course, if the Canucks win this year, this whole theory goes out the window).

What The Puck at Rehabs

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: MDF is back! Those three words should throw fear into an otherwise confident WTP team. Buoyed by their recent successes and the Mets’ unlikely strong start, Larry’s Kids were feeling like world beaters until they heard that Danberg-Ficharelli had returned form her secret a martial arts training in Southeast Asia. When we asked her how she had improved her game, Meredith metioned something about a “Flying Dragon slays tiger” shot that she had been working on. We’re not sure if it’s BTSH legal but it is going to make things a lot tougher for the Orangemen this week. larry will need all his proud parents to show up if he wants to defeat a newly dangerous team in black. BTW Rehabs suck.

Butchers at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Rachel Greene is back! While she tends to inspire hugs more than the furtive stares that her travel companion/bodyguard MDF does, Greene is the heart and soul of a Butchers team that has performed well in her absence but lacked its characteristic joie de vivre (of course that may also be due to the fact that Ben Bloom crossed three time zones to play in their last game). The Gremlins upset Poutine Machine two weeks ago with a tenacious D that will make things tough for the Butcher goal scorers. But they’ll have to be perfect to shut down Bloom and Revechkis and a Meatpackers squad that is famous for late goals in tight games. If they’re not, don’t be surprised to hear Georgine “the Animal” Poulin asking “I wonder what Gremlin meat tastes like?”

La Famiglia at Mathematics

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: On paper these teams have had almost equal starts. But statistics don’t tell the whole story. La Famiglia are under pressure to prove that their Cinderella season last year was no fluke. Team Captain Dave Ladanyi’s repeated threats of leg breakings and “trips to the Pine Barrens” may be working short term but we wonder how long he can keep his crew in line. Meanwhile, Mathematics are approaching the season like tenured professors, comfortable where they are but still capable of a few surprises. Math put a scare in to the Butchers last week and almost stole a game from them. Don’t be surprised to see them put in a similar performance against the Gofathers (and maybe even grab a W)

Gut Rot at LBS, Inc.

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Gut Rot have improved their talent base tremendously this season. But now they come up against a real test. Lbs. have been impressive in their first two games and that’s without their traditional 1-2 scoring punch of Ken and Karsten. Meanwhile Peaches and Tommy return to the team they built but have not really gelled with (at least on the court) this season. How will their addition affect team chemistry? Altering chemistry is something Jeff “Rambo” Hendricks is famous for and as BTSH tradionalists we were excited to hear that he is offering to make one female Lbs. player the “Molly” this Sunday morning. The lucky recipient will be taken out for a sumptuous brunch by Peaches complete with all the mimosas they can drink. They will then be invited to vomit on the sidelines before the second half of the game, restoring a ritual that used to be a staple when these two clubs met. Kudos to Jeff for respecting league history.

Dark Rainbows at Fresh Kills

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Keys:If the theme of the week is steamrollers then there are none bigger and badder than Fresh Kills right now. Sokol and squad have picked up where they left off last season, outplaying good clubs and looking like the ’80s Soviet teams on which Dave has patterned his squad. All seems good in the United Socialist Republic of Kills. But here come the Rainbows with their tie dye shirts, headbands and groovy chicks. You can almost see the cracks starting to form in the Kills tightly run regime. Will peace an love be more attractive than the ruthless pursuit of perfection for the FKers? Will Abby Meisterman’s suggestion that the teams replace the game with a series of group hugs gain traction? Sean Reynolds may have finally found the key to beating the leagues reigning champions. Rock and Roll and cheap Levis.

Poutine Machine at Sky Fighters

Location: Tompkins West 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Screw editorial integrity. Poutine rules, Skyfighters drool.

Mega Touch at Tompkins Square Riots

Location: Tompkins East 5:30 PM

Game Keys: How seriously are the Riots taking this season? Team captain Amy Jones was seen running … yes, running … in an organized race in Central Park last Saturday morning.WTF? This is not your 2011 Riots squad. They seem to be able to score at will and  goalie Mike “the Littlest Goalie” Tuckman has got his work cut out for him. But Megatouch captain Julie Katz is employing a unique coaching strategy this week, a modified seder plate that teaches the history of Megatouch and the basics of the left wing lock. The horseradish stands for the bitterness of defeat. If she can effectively get the lesson across to the emnschs on her team, it may be the Riots who ask “Why is this game unlike any other game?”