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GAME OF THE WEEK

Gouging Anklebiters (0-0-0) at Gremlins aka “Not the Unicorns”(0-0-0)

Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM

All-Time Series: First Meeting

Game Notes: Is it just coincidence that the two teams involved in the biggest roster change of the off-season meet in the first week? Obviously not, since Lazer and Blazer were well aware of the turmoil in the ranks of “Not the Unicorns” prior to putting together the 2012 schedule. Some may call it a blatant attempt to promote a rivalry. But the ORG knows that the bad blood between these teams doesn’t need any stoking.

Coco is already concealing razor blades in her hockey gloves and Craig “Black Jacques” Lacombe has refused to shower for two weeks. On the other side of the coin, Jon Rick has authored a philosophical paper on the inherent immorality of being an Anklebiter and Caitlin Ervin is offering free counseling to what she calls “Biter Widows”, ex-girlfriend and boyfriends of the team who have lost their significant others to the overwhelming force that is the Biters social schedule.. Caitlin and Jon know they have to take the high road. They know neither of them would stand a chance against Amy Barrett in an arm wrestling contest.

Keys To The Game:
1. If (as rumored) “Not the Unicorns” new team shirts feature an AMC Gremlin, Anklebiters Captain Phil Donohue is willing to conced the game on “account of sheer awesomeness).
2. The Gremlins should not forget about Alex D. who is as dangerous an offensive threat as the newly acquired Joe P. This game note is brought to you by Jeremy Schumacher. Thanks, Schuie!
3. If a Gremlin’s player asks you for water, DO NOT give it to them. Also, don’t feed them after midnight.

Patrick’s Pick: It’s the new look Anklebiters game to lose.
Watchability: 4.5 Snapping jaws. Gnash, gnash, gnash.

Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Will the Hookers be distracted by their recent well documented legal problems? Will Jenna Cruff and Rich Glanzer really be able to co-manage a team? One thing is for sure. Ben Chadwick is tall

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Keys: Rehabs will be without their Captain, Meredith Danberg -Ficarelli who is currently on a goodwill tour of Southeast Asia. Now that everyone knows who they are, will Shafiq “Corey” Perry and Dennis “the Mick” Miciletto still be able to light up oooposing defences? One thing is for sure. Stacy Kehoe is tall. Also, Rehabs suck.

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: News that KHL games are going to be played at Brookln’s Barclay Center next year (no lie!) may see the Skyfighter’s Eastern European core playing extra hard to impress the scouts. Meanwhile, LBs. are grappling with their annual dilemma of whether it’s ok to wear white before Memorial Day. Reality Check Sascha – it’s not. Time to bust out those madras alternate jerseys that you’ve been pushing for during the last few team meetings. After all, Skyfighters have about six different alternate shirts. Also, rumor has it that James Stein is a good goalie. You may want to have Karsten camp out at the top of the crease even more than usual.

Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: The rematch of last year’s championship. The Zimm has had a horrible off season, troubled by the Mets financial woes and haunted by images of a giant Hot Dog taking away everything he’s ever wanted. It will be a welcome relief for him and his teammates to finally play some hockey. Meanwhile, Dave Sokol is still waiting for his invitation from the White House (and worried that Patrick Barch’s radical right wing political views may have queered the deal somehow). Look for another close game from these two teams (presuming a Wiggles marathon doesn’t devastate the WTP roster).

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys: Despite the much publicized roster turnovers on both teams, there are still enough core players to maintain the years long emnity between these franchises. The Demons knocked Filthy out of the playoffs last year and you can be sure the Dirty pretties are looking for some payback. Both teams have great goaltending and both teams can score. But the solidness of the Filthy D (anchored by Jean “most underrated Dman in the league” Hebert and the returning Becky Novick) and the still evolving chemistry of the double D’s roster makes me think the Filthies have the edge in this one.

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: Two of the hardest working teams square off in a battle of grey vs. grey (or is that gray?). There’s no doubt that Megatouch plays with as much passion as any team in the league. And on any given Sunday, that can be enough to win them the game. But if Math comes in with their full roster (which they most likely will) they simply have more talent than the Megas. Add to that the added incentive of playing in the Glanzer division and you know Lazer and Blazer will get the troops fired up. Advantage Math but expect another very close game from two teams that will be battling for the division lead all season.

Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: If this was 2011, we would have called this one the “Apathy Bowl”. Both teams suffered from a distinct lack of passion last year. But roster changes, new coaching philosophies and the fact that this game is late enough for Gut Rot to shake off most of their inevitable hangover make this year a different story. Both teams are out to prove that this year’s models are not an easy 2 points (a reputation that GR especially doesn’t deserve. They were probably in more one goal games than any other team last year). With the addition of new players Matt “Makin’ It” Workman and Liza Watts (who has arranged for Allen’s Coffee Brandy to sponsor her team) Gut Rot are even more competitive. In a countering move, Amy Jones has promised homemade lutefisk to Patrick Blohme and the rest of her team. Needless to say, motivation will not be an issue for this one.

Game Keys: Journalistic integrity prevents me from writing much about this one. I’ll just say that the games were very competitive when these two teams played last year. Expect another close one this weekend. Also, watch out for Mike “the House” Haas who found his scoring touch playing ice hockey in the off season. He could be one of the breakout offensive players of the year.

Location: Tompkins West 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Too many storylines this year, folks. If not for the Anklebiters/Gremlins matchup this would surely have been game of the week. Why? One word and it rhymes with SoCo & Lime (almost). Yes, Showtime is back folks. And the Rainbows are debuting an all-new jersey. On a hockey level, I expect the rock steady Butchers lineup to live up to their name and make lunch meat out of Sean Reynolds gutsy but hastily assembled Rainbows squad. But for sheer entertainment value nothing is going to beat this game.