btsh.org

Color: Grey
Year Founded: 2002
2011 Regular Season Finish: 6-9-1 (3rd, MacNeil Division; 16th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Mega Touch in Round of 16
Conference: Kazin
Division: Glanzer
Team Song: “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” – Bobby McFerrin

Roster

Alex Eben Meyer
Andy Robertson
Brett Oppedisano
Eric Devlin
Jane Cramer
Joe Lops
Katie Hasty
Mark Anderson
Michael Tuckman
Nadya Salcedo
Rabi Whitaker
Scott Rosenthal
Julie Katz
Jonathan Hanson
Danny Canarick
Kristen Echemendia
Harvey Jaswal
Jennifer Nedbalsky
Adriano Bratta

Several years back, Alex Eben Meyer had a spiritual revelation. He no longer wanted to be “Bad”, he wanted to be “Mega”. That epiphany led not only to one of the league’s strangest cheers but also to a new sense of inner peace for Meyer. A calmness and tranquility that would extend to many on his team.

Indeed, when one thinks of Mega the term that comes to mind is chill.

Joe Lops – chill
Jane Cramer – chill
Team co-captain Julie “the Cat” Katz – chill (as long as she has candy)
Adriano “Pax Romana” Bratta – the spokesperson for chill
Harvey Jaswal – the exception that proves the rule

While emulating Deepak Chopra may bring you an enlightened life it’s not going to win you many hockey games (that only happens in The Love Guru). That’s why MT ended the regular season only one spot above the previous year’s finish. Between being mistakenly asked to perform Jewish weddings Rabi Whitaker explained the team’s philosophy. “Standings are so ephemeral,” he opined. “We don’t seek a winning season, just balance with the lifeforce that flows through us all.”

It all sounds good but the ORG is here to tell you it’s an elaborate scam designed to sell new age paperbacks and seven week self-help programs. Each member of MegaTouch is required to undergo “psychological testing” before joining the team and after acceptance a portion of their earnings are tithed. The recipient of these “team funds”? Twisted genius (and “co-captain”) Eric Devlin. Hiding behind his everyday guise as a mild-mannered toy designer, Devlin is secretly hatching a plan to recruit everyone in the league to the cult of MegaTouch and secure the coveted PBR can trophy for himself. He’s also covertly trained his Megatouch teammates to be ruthless when required.

Devlin’s long term strstegy was almost revealed when the Megas lost in a shootout in the playoffs to eventual champions Fresh Kills. But at the last minute Devlin decided that “the time is not yet right” and instructed his goalie to throw the game.

This year it’s a different story. Our source revealed that the MTs have decidedly different nicknames amongst their fellow teammates:

Joe Lops – known as “Lopper” for his desire to hack off opposing players limbs with his stick
Jane Cramer – her teammates call her “Creamer” referring to her propensity for throwing hip breaking checks
Team co-captain Julie Katz – earned the nickname “Katz’s Deli” for chewing up opposition defences like lunch meat
Adriano Bratta – “Big Brat” is known for his tantrums when no one passes him the ball
Harvey Jaswal – actually the nicest guy on the team

After two years of subtly dwelling near the bottom of the league in results, Devlin feels like he has lured us all in to a false sense of security. Look for 2012 to be the year when MegaTouch rips through the league and Devlin finally buys that Rolls-Royce that all cult leaders covet (rumor has it that Bratta has already promised him all our team fees plus the proceeds of Rachel Greene’s “charity tournament’).

Think we’re kidding? Trust us on this one. North American libel laws forbid us from posting it here but the ORG has seen video footage of the Touchers ritually burning photos of other BTSH teams on an altar while Devlin laughs maniacally and proclaims “All your balls belong to us.”

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Entity They Most Resemble According to Rich Glanzer

Entity: Jack and Diane

Last year Mega shocked the BTSH world by beating the Rehabs in a shootout. Then they took eventual champs Fresh Kills to a shootout, but the season ended when the ball hopped on Adriano Bratta on TSP’s rough surface. It has not been a great winter.

Color: Maroon
Year Founded: 2010
2011 Regular Season Finish: 4-12-0-1(Last in Donohue Division; 19th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Happy Little Elves in opening round
Conference: Kazin
Division: Glanzer
Team Song: “The Internationale”

If preppy puck chasers Lbs. are the 1% of BTSH then Riots are the unwashed guy in the drum circle who’s still camping out in Zuccotti Park.

The 2010 Riots were a fresh new idea, dedicated to changing the game and achieving some pretty remarkable success in their debut year. At the start of last season, the question on everyone’s mind was whether a team who’s whole management structure was based on anarchy could sustain that level of success.

Unfortunately the answer was no.

Their main issue was attendance as the team splintered in to a series of micro-revolutionary cells. Patrick Blohme split his time between New York and Sweden, working on an elaborate plot to overthrow the tyrannical rule of King Carl Gustav. Meanwhile, Craig “Rocket Launcher” Thompson kept trying to prove that he was “Down with NDP” by spearheading several unsuccessful attempts to unionize the team (props to anyone who gets that Canadian left wing politics reference). And Scott Townsend, Philippe Tremblay-Berberi and Alex Frenette decided to form their own Bloc Quebecois and have the Riots secede from the rest of the league. For “First Among Equals” Amy Jones it was a trying time.

Learning from past mistakes, Jones has formed a coalition government backed by enforcers Patty Fernandez and Jaclyn Lee. As a result the Riots now look a lot like Italian politics, incapable of any real accomplishments but able to field competitive sports teams.

While some may mock their civic travails, a cohesive Riots squad could be one of the pleasant surprises of the year. Blohme and Frenette can be game changers combining a great mixture of speed and scoring ability, Townsend and Thompson are wily veterans who can play offense and defense and goalie Dave Gil De Rubio won a league championship with Fresh Kills not too long ago. The Riots also have one of the league’s stronger rosters of female players including the often overlooked Michelle Bressler.

Can Jones hold her tenuous coalition together long enough to see some results on the court? The key may be getting some early season victories before players are distracted by the upcoming national election ( Shane DeBlasio has already expressed interest in running as the Rent is Too Damn High” candidate for the Lower East Side). With some early W’s under their belt the team could return to inaugral season form. Otherwise, it’s going to be another year of (metaphorical) firehoses and pepper spray for the Maroon Marauders.

Entity: Brownie

We all love brownies. Who doesn’t love the sweet, warm, chewy sensation? But we all hate Michael Brown, or better known as, “You’re doing a hell-of-a-job Brownie.” Of course that’s the famous line that then President George W. Bush told FEMA director Michael Brown during the Hurricane Katrina disaster. In 2010, the Riots were like a Chocolate God. They ran through the regular season with little problems, before losing in the playoffs to some team that I don’t remember. (Which is odd bc I typically remember such things, but I’m thinking Fresh Kills.) But last year they were the bad Brownie. The type that watches people beg for their lives on roofs, and instead of climbing to save them, mugs for the camera.
The Riots performed better at the end of last season, and I expect them to find a middle ground this season.

Fun Fact: Michelle Bressler is a fine ref, a good hockey player, and was one of my MVP’s of reffing last year. But she’s not that great at Words with Friends though as I’ve yet to lose to her. Not once! Never by 100 points of course either.

Color: White
Year Founded: 2002
2011 Regular Season Finish: 11-5-0-1(2nd, Hackett Division; 4th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Dark Rainbows in round of 16
Conference: Tagliarano
Division: Brown
Team Song: “Ice, Ice, Baby” – Vanilla Ice

Roster

Sascha Owen (captain)
Fernando Limonic
Karen Erickson
Alexandra Chenitz
Anne Grady
Angela Upton
Brian Barrett
Dustin Shutes
Erica Lee
Jason Bogdaneris
Karsten Pichon
Ken Poulin
Lawrence Goldstein
Samuel Anthony
Sasha Lehman
Seth Wachtell (goalie)
Tommy Capatosta

Like their younger counterparts, the Butchers and Poutine Machine, Lbs. are showing admirable roster stability this year. But unlike those other teams, the Lbs. are not a lovable crew of misfits coming together to create something bigger than themselves. On the contrary, they’re more exclusive than Skull & Bones.

If this were The Mighty Ducks 3 they would be the Varsity Squad. If this was a John Hughes film, they’d have the James Spader role. If this was Titanic they’d be Billy Zane.

Yes, you can judge a book by it’s cover when it comes to this team.

And what message does white polo shirts with currency symbols send to you?

They are the 1%.

That doesn’t mean they haven’t earned their success. Classic couple, Karsten Pichon and Ken Poulin, the Brandon Walsh and Steve Sanders of BTSH remain a potent scoring threat, Sam Anthony is still one of the league’s most underrated defensemen (PR tip – speaking more than 10 words in a game may help you get more attention, Sam), and Seth Wachtell has proven that you don’t need to have blonde hair and blue eyes to become a BTSH ladies favorite (take that, Dan Owens).

But seriously guys, it’s 2012. Obama is President. Would it kill you to add a little more diversity to the lineup? It’s not just the color of your uniforms that’s seriously white. This team is the hockey equivalent of wonder bread and mayo and having Ken Poulin swear at referees in his incomprehensible French-Canadian dialect won’t convince anyone that you’re not waspier than Mitt Romney at the Westminister Dog Show.

Times are changing and a growing populist movement in BTSH may force this team to change as well. In the meantime, debuting those new platinum tipped stickblades is probably a bad idea, Sascha. Nobody want to see “Occupy Lbs.” become a thing.

Lbs. play in the highly competitive Brown Division and while they may not be fans of equality, every team in their group matches up nicely against them talentwise. For Lbs. to improve on last year’s stellar record, it’s going to be all about attendance in the key summer stretch. If Owen can get her team to take the early Jitney back from the Hamptons, Lbs. are the favorites to win their division. If not, expect them to play just well enough to avoid relegation to the decidedly more working class Larsen Division.

Either way, there’s no doubt that when the playoffs come, Lbs. will once again be a team that contends while generating next to no fan support from anyone not actually related to a team member.

While some may think they’re cruel, we need to remember what movies have taught us. Popular, good looking kids are only mean to other people because they have parents who ignore them or who have been married too many times. If you just give them a chance, they will turn in to good people and give you the money you need to save your grandmother’s house/restaurant/bakery/farm.

So if you really want to see “change you can believe in” for BTSH, don’t just sign one of the many petitions Greg Allman is planning on circulating this year.

Hug a Lb.

Entity They Most Resemble According to Rich Glanzer

Entity: Donald Trump