btsh.org

Color: Electric Burgundy & Blue
Year Founded: 2010
2011 Regular Season Finish: 9-7-1 (3rd, Donohue Division; 11th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to What the Puck in Semi-Finals
Conference: Kazin
Division: Larsen
Team Song: “Mr. Roboto” – Styx

Roster

Ben Bloom
Arthur Revechkis
Beth Bruder
Gary Cohen
Mike Mincieli
Rachel Greene
Jesse Kalb
Amanda Jenkins
Jeff Hawkins
Arnold Sanchez
Eric Ramirez
Randy Locklair
David Rogovic
Chris DiMotta
Ashley McMasters
Aynsley Kirshenbaum
Georgine Paulin
Ellen Marth

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result then the Butchers are insane. Their 2012 lineup looks a lot like their 2011 lineup. Sure Ben may have a few more tattoos and Rachel is now a Connecticut housewife (her lemon squares are delicious) but not much else has changed. So what would make us think that they wouldn’t do what they always do – break the hearts of Poutine Machine and then bomb out in the next round of the playoffs?

The answer is advanced technology.

The Butchers are now more machine than man and like the inevitable rise of the Terminators, they’re poised to crush the skulls of an unsuspecting BTSH beneath their robotic feet.

It starts with the return of Ashley “Trashley” McMasters, the rookie phenom who was so sorely missed by the Meat Puppets last year. As a show of her long term commitment to the team, Ashley has agreed to have at least one leg replaced with a bionic duplicate. She won’t tell us which one but if you hear a “clang” the next time your stick makes contact with her lower body, it’s not because you’re rocking a vintage ‘98 Gretzky Aluminum model. You’ve discovered her secret (and possibly the only means of defeating her).

Not to be outdone, teammate and aging George Clooney impersonator Chris DiMotta underwent his own surgical upgrade. Taking a page out of the X-Men movies, he has had his spine replaced with unbreakable adamantium, just like his hero, Wolverine. We can neither deny or confirm that he has been seen getting in to late night barfights on Avenue A after telling patrons, “I’m the best there is at what I do. And what I do is play hockey.”

Not all the Butchers have gone for the “Real Steel” approach though.

Arthur “Drago” Revechkis led a delegation that included Beth Bruder, Jeff Hawkins, Arnold Sanchez and Ellen Marth on an excursion to his Russian hometown, which is known only by it’s designation “Soviet Science City One”. There the group was subjected to a grueling regimen of steroids, radiation treatments and repeated viewings of Paul Henderson’s 1972 game winning goal. They returned to the States no longer able to feel pain, fear or any human emotion (except for desire for the aforementioned Rachel Greene lemon squares). It’s rumored that Russian President for Life Vladmir Putin  plans to use the same treatment on perennial underachiever Alex Ovechkin once it’s effectiveness has been proven in our sleepy little street hockey league.

The only Butcher who can be thought of as even remotely human (or as human as you can remain and still be a Corcoran VP) is league sweetheart Georgine Paulin. When asked how she thought the team might fare this year her response was “Are we in the same division? I don’t know, ok I guess. Isn’t this a question for Ben?”

The Org would probably say yes but we’re too scared to look in to Bloom’s soulless eyes.

So what are the keys to victory for any team looking to take down the Butchers? Hockey observers say shutting down perennial scoring machines Revechkis and Bloom, getting traffic in front of goalie Eric Ramirez and watching out for Hawk’s laser accurate shots on goal. But Org favorite Bill Nye gave us another answer “An electro-magnetic pulse should do the trick. Or really any sort of strong magnet.”

Smart Butchers opponents should probably employ a combination of both strategies.

And while you’re at it, throwing a few lemon squares on the court couldn’t hurt.

Entity They Resemble Most (according to Rich Glanzer)

Mark Sanchez:
The Jets third year QB has sure had his ups and downs. The first two years he barely made the playoffs, but then made two straight runs to the AFC Championship Game (or the semi-finals), but couldn’t quite make it to the Super Bowl.

Similarly, the Butchers aren’t the best regular season team, but come playoff time, they are one tough out. In 2010 they upset the Rehabs and Demons before losing to the Hookers and last season they again made the semi’s before losing to WTP.

Spoiler Alert, but I see the Sanchez similarities ending here. Sanchez had a miserable third year, and missed the playoffs. Word on the street is even though the Butcher’s are a little strapped financially, Rachel Greene has enough left over from last year’s “charity” tournament to dip into, to secure league payment and thus make the playoffs.

Expect an improved regular season from the Butchers. If you get to the semi-finals two years in a row, you’re good enough to win it all. While I don’t think that’s a likely scenario, it wouldn’t shock the bejesus out of me like it would if Elly got contact lenses.

Fun Fact: In Rachel Greene’s “charity” tournament, for some reason I was stripped of my championship, yet Suvin and Hidden Heel Joe P. weren’t (we were all on a different team at the start of the tournament, before switching to the winning team). An investigation is pending. Word on the street is Joe P. got to keep his title because Rachel was sympathetic because he hurt his pinkie.

Fun Fact 2: Ashley M. has never beaten me in a race, or at gmail chat, always losing to the arrow. <——————————–

Color: Blue & White
Year Founded: 2010
2011 Regular Season Finish: 11-3-1-2 (1st, Macneil Division; 2nd overall)

2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Butchers in Quarter-finals

Conference: Kazin
Division: Larsen
Team Song: Never Surrender – Corey Hart

Roster

Andrew Therriault
Ashish Nagpal
Brodie St. John
Chelsea Hicks
Claire Weingarten
Dave Kucharsky
Dave Paglia (A)
Hilary Keller
Carly Czuba

Joann Provencher

Kara Asuncion
Kevin Macdonald (A)
Marcus Bonnee
Mike Haas
Natalie Oshin
Patrick Larsen (C)
Salman Haq
Tracy Ng
Vincent Tracy
Whitney Garrabant
Tim Brown (G)

By ORG Special Correspondent Rich Glanzer

Its year three of Poutine Machine and everyone is asking what’s going to happen, when people stop being polite… and start getting real. After dominating the old MacNeil Division (bottom) Poutine is moving on up to the old Complai…I mean Hackett Division.

Color: Pink
Year Founded: 2004
2011 Regular Season Finish: 9-7-0 (5th, Hackett Division; 12th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Sky Fighters in round of 16
Conference: Kazin
Division: Larsen
Team Song: Hair

Roster

abigail meisterman
brad thomason
corinne rosen
danny polinsky
david bernstein
Dez P
john neilsen
emily carson
jason hasday
jennie brown
jim dandeneau
josh wilson
jon rudd
megan lohne
meredith hasday
miles hunter
mike dudelovitch
sandy batista
showtime
sean reynolds

Remember the ‘94 Stanley Cup winning New York Rangers? Remember how they looked a lot like the Edmonton Oilers’ teams of the ‘80s. The 2012 version of the Dark Rainbows may have you doing a similar double take.
Sean Reynolds, has indeed, gone all Neil Smith on our collective asses.

We never thought we’d be comparing the 2005-2011 Demons to Gretzky and co. But then again, we never thought we would see a Dark Rainbows roster that looked like this.

Sure we could accept the defections of Abby “Dudemeister” Meisterman and Danny “Stripes” Polinsky. They’re the “nice Demons”. But “Dandy” Jim Dandenau? $howti3e? Reynolds’ embrace of the dark side of BTSH has many Rainbow followers wondering WWJD?

No point asking though. He’s retired along with Shortbus, John Meyer and most of the other traditional members of the Rainbow connection. The powerhouse Rainbows team that upset the Hookers and won the league championship a few years ago seems as distant a memory as the “Summer of Love”. You can almost hear the Byrds “To Everything There is a Season (turn, turn, turn)” playing in the background.

The ORG would have been fine with all this except for our concern that this also means the retirement of Rainbows uberfan, Violet. We’ve all watched that little girl grow up and if her parents think they can just take her away from us then they’re sadly mistaken. As Sarah Coombs wrote in her seminal childcare book “IT TAKES A HOCKEY LEAGUE”, being around sweaty, hungover weekend athletes is essential to every child’s proper development.

At least, not everything has changed. The core talent that once made the Rainbows among the league’s most feared franchises remains. Josh, Sean and Gingerballs can bring it. And John “Gamechanger” Neilsen remains the most underrated player in the league (trust us, other players would be totally scared of him if they knew who he was). We know they’ll do their best to carry on the proud tradition of the team in pink.

For the new look Rainbows the keyword is this:

CHEMISTRY.

Can Reynolds mold these disparate pieces in to a coherent whole? Will he even try?

If the answer is yes, then a full spectrum of talent could emerge to dominate their division.

If not, the 2012 Rainbows could end up resembling my youthful attempts at mixing together everything in my parents liquor cabinet – tough to look at and liable to make you vomit.

On a serious note, the ORG wants to commend Sean on making sure that one of the league’s classic franchises survives to play another year. It wouldn’t be BTSH without our beloved hippies and win, lose or draw we hope that they’ll be bringing their unique mix of “peace, love and hockey” to the courts for many seasons to come.

Entity They Most Resemble (according to Rich Glanzer)

Entity: NYC Homeless Soccer Team

Color: Electric Blue & Yellow (Leap Day colors!)
Year Founded: 2001
2011 Regular Season Finish: 5-12-0 (4th, Hackett Division; 18th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Corlears Hookers in Round of 16
Conference: Kazin
Division: Glanzer
Team Song: “Wonderful Tonight” – Eric Clapton

Roster

Amy Barrett (A)
Courtney Butler
Zoya Craig
Charles DeFranco
Alex Derhohannesian (AA)
Phil Donohue (C)
Nick Gardella
Jen Harlan
Craig LaCombe (G)
Nicole Lanctot
Sarah Moore
Caroline Morrisey-Bickerton
Alex Owen
Zack Papper
Joe Polowczuk
Peter Prohaska

Mike Ross

Annika

Zach Weiner (A)

LOVE.

It’s what the 2012 Anklebiters are all about.

Now, the.Org hears your derisive laughter and snide comments:

“Yes, the Anklebiters LOVE beer.”
“Phil Donohue sure LOVEs the Johnsons.”
“When I think of the face of LOVE, it’s Jeremy Schumacher.”

Mock all you will. But while you were spending your off-season working on conditioning and stickhandling, the Hockey Hounds employed a different strategy. They all got hitched (or at least engaged, often to each other. Phil & Amy, Zack & Jen, moustache Zach, Pete. The trend became so popular even Anklebiter alumni were getting in on the act (congrats Guvs & Sascha). All that conjugal bliss is just a by product of the newfound maturity of what is now a veteran GAB lineup.

Yes, the the team that once had “Hook up at the Johnsons” as the first page of their playbook has grown up and settled down (at least a little bit). And while we all might make fun of these former gadabouts, there’s no question that they’re one of the closest teams in BTSH. From bowling & broomball to holiday and house parties, the Anklebiters are constanly hanging out together. In short, they’re a family.

But team captain Phil Donohue has taught enough high school science classes to recognize the biggest threat to any tight family unit.

INBREEDING.

In an effort to keep hemophilia out of the Pooches’ bloodline (and maybe improve their record), Phil and co. opened the Anklebiters’ hearts to three refugees from the Fairy Tale Kingdom. Thanks to their warm hearts and seemingly endless roster spots, Craig LaCombe, Courtney Butler and Joe Polowczuk are now part of the Canine Crew.

That’s right, the three players who put the “Cor” in “Unicorns” are now Puck Puppies and as a result, GAB’s lineup looks radically different.

GAB’s former goalie, Mike O’Connor was one of the most underrated goalies in the league. But his inconsistent attendance often left Donahue and Co. struggling between the pipes. In BTSH, they have an industry vet and top 5 goaltender, the Dominik Hasek of BTSH netkeepers. Donohue’s Dogs are hoping that he’s more Red Wings era Dominator than Senators era Hasek but there’s no doubt, LlaCombe will be coming ready to play. Plus he just got married too so he fits in well with the Dogs paired up locker room.

CoCo is another skilled performer and steadying influence. She’s elusive on the court and should be able to fill a mentorship role for any of her teammates who are still uncomfortable in their newfound positions as responsible adults.

And Joe P. provides the first legitimate scoring threat for the Blue and Yellow since Eric DiPieri first got kicked out of a game for ref abuse.

Donohue may have already won GM of the year for picking up these players while keeping the rest of his lineup intact. GAB has always been an extremely capable foe but with these upgrades Phil may have turned his team from an “Any Given Sunday” franchise to a “Gunning for You This Sunday” juggernaut. If nothing else, there will be three more players who can finish off the extra shots at the bar.

So remember BTSHers, the next time Amy Barrett laughs in your face or Zack Weiner twirls his moustache at you, they’re not doing it with malice.

They’re doing it out of LOVE.

Don’t you just hate them already?

Entity They Resemble (According to Rich Glanzer)

Tony Soprano can suck it. Johnny Dangerously was the best Mob Boss of all time. The GAB declared Fargin War on all of us by picking up Craig, Coco and Joe P. While I have nothing good to say about Craig except no good set of balls ever get past him, and nothing bad to say about Coco, I am mixed with Joe P. On one hand, he’s a great player and a really good teammate. But on the other hand, much like Johnny Dangerously’s notoriously sick mother, Joe lands on the injured report. A lot. When asked about Joe P., Jo-Ann Provencher says, ” Joe P. est plus doux que le papier hygiénique Charmin. Mec a toujours blessés. ”

Still … this Hidden Heel will bring a few more W’s to the GAB. As someone with an 0-3 career mark vs. the Anklebiters, I think this team just got a whole lot better. Both in the courts, and at the bar.

Fun fact: Caroline Morrisey-Bickerton has never beaten me at Skee*T*ball or scored a goal against me in broomball. True story.