Full Schedule Released!
March 4th, 2012Larry Zimmer Appreciation Day Is Scheduled For September 16
We are proud to announce that the full 2012 BTSH schedule has now been posted. Under the 2012 Schedule tab, you can now find every single game of the upcoming season, including its time and location.
Some highlights of the 2012 season include the following:
- Fresh Kills and What The Puck square off in the traditional Opening Day title game rematch
- Mega Touch opens the season with five consecutive road games, due to offseason renovations of the team’s home arena, the East Village Fairgrounds. Mega Touch co-captain Julie Katz blames architect Joe Polowczuk for the delay. The team’s home opener will be on May 6 against the Corlears Hookers.
- May 20 is officially “Rivalry Day,” as every BTSH team will face its most hated rival. Matchups include the Happy Little Elves vs. Cobra Kai for possession of the Barnacle Bowl, the Tompkins Square Riots vs. Fresh Kills, and the Butchers vs. Gut Rot.
- Hockey Night in Tompkins returns with another fantastic slate of national and regional telecasts, including Filthy Gorgeous vs. Happy Little Elves on April 15, La Famiglia vs. Sky Fighters on June 10, Poutine Machine vs. Corlears Hookers on July 22, and Gut Rot vs. Gouging Anklebiters on September 9.
- All three Fairy Tale Cup games are scheduled for consecutive weeks on July 15, 22, and 29. Additionally, the Dark Rainbows and Unicorns will play a non-Fairy Tale Cup game as part of Rivalry Day.
- The Denim Demons and Fresh Kills play a home and home series on back to back weeks: July 8 and 15
- Once again, a tentative rain date has been added on September 23 in the likely event that earlier games will be canceled due to “rain fears.”
- Much like every other team in the league, the Rehabs will play a full 18-game schedule, consisting of nine home and nine road games.
2012 Season Preview: Happy Little Elves
March 2nd, 2012
Color: Electric Lime/Neon Green/that godawful color Filthy Gorgeous used to wear
Year Founded: 2008
2011 Regular Season Finish: 7-7-1-2 (3rd, Hackett Division; 8th overall)
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Fresh Kills in the Semi-Finals
Conference: Tagliarano
Division: Bratta
Team Song: “We Represent the Lollipop Guild”
2012 ROSTER
Rich Glanzer (C)
Ben Chadwick (C)
Jenna Cruff (C)
Chris Adrahtas (sub)
Trevor Beauclair
Melissa Budnick
Garrett “Ax” Carrino
Adela Heel Jr.
Shaun deLacy
Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri (sub)
Rob “Smash” Muggeo
Ryan Nakahara
Melanie Pessin
Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos
Shoshana Rudnick (sub)
Sarah “T-Bone” Torneten
Gil Valdez
(New Additions)
Rob Walsh
Luisa Mirarchi
Shannon Schneeman
Dan Brown
The Great Gazoo
Uncle NED
With both the Rainbows and the Unicorns going through major roster changes, you might think that the Elves would be the most drama-free of the three Fairy Tale Cup contenders. If so, you would be horribly, terribly wrong. This is a Rich Glanzer captained team, after all. And the man who is so competitive, he posts his WORDS WITH FRIENDS bingoes on Facebook isn’t going to let anyone grab the spotlight away from him.
Glanzer fought off an early challenge when team co-captain Ben “the Barbarian” Chadwick and Jerome “Almost Asian” Ramos temporarily defected to Poutine Machine’s ice hockey division. Worried that the taste of cheese curds and gravy might be more appealing to them than the Elves stable of Keebler treats, Glanzer doubled down. First he added co-captain to Jenna Cruff’s existing titles of “Team Sweetheart” and “Most “Likely to Report Her Own Captain to the Disciplinary Committee”. Then he made Chadwick and Ramos offers they couldn’t refuse, awarding them both multi-year contracts that would make Rick DiPietro blush. Industry analysts can’t say for sure if there will be a BTSH in 2042, but if there is, Ben and Jerome will still be wearing neon green.
With locker room leadership settled and threats of betrayal squelched, Rich then proceeded to his next 24/Jack Bauer-like management move: increasing the Elves fear and intimidation factor. Towards that end, he signed one of the league’s most feared players, Luisa “Gilly” Mirarchi, whose combination of skill, aggressiveness and utter unpredictability has led more than one player to pronounce “That girl’s crazy!”. For the icing on the cake he continues to hold the rights to Eric “Ogglethorpe” DiPierri, who may return from the Oklahoma leagues when least expected to give $h0wt!me a run for the money in terms of most teams ever played for in BTSH.
We’d add more about other new signings Rob Walsh, Shannon Schneeman and Dan Brown but to be honest, THE ORG isn’t really sure who these people are.
Instead, we’ll address the final two additions to the 2012 Elves roster. Adding fictional players may be a good tactic for defending the Fairy Tale Cup Championship, but we predict these signings will backfire on Glanzer. The Great Gazoo has the kind of personality that is poison in the locker room and Uncle Nedi’s well publicized battles with alcoholism may not be behind him yet.
Our predictions for HLE 2012?
1) Trevor and Gil will score.
2) Rich will comment a lot on the website (and this post).
3) Sarah, Melissa and Melanie will continue to wonder how they ended up on this team in the first place.
In other words, business as usual.
PS: Rich insisted that he receive credit for submitting his team roster first, even though Gouging Anklebiter’s captain Phil Donahue actually beat him to the punch. Make of that what you will.
Entity They Most Resemble (according to Rich Glanzer)
Jenna Cruff. I don’t need a celebrity to compare who the Elves resemble. Jenna is our new captain, and for all those teams that think, “Man, I’d like to get her to play on my team.” Suck it. Not happening. Jenna’s an Elf 4 Life. Now if anyone is interested in Gil….I’m entertaining offers.
2012 Season Preview: Rehabs
March 1st, 2012
Color: Black
Year Founded: 2001
2011 Regular Season Finish: 3-8-3-3
2011 Playoff Result: Lost to Megatouch in qualifying round
Conference: Tagliarino
Division: Brown
Team Song: Lyta Ford – Kiss Me Deadly
Roster
Michael Bartlett
Bryan Welch
Stacy Kehoe
Erica Stoller
MDF
Kami Moore
Rob Blandi
Hilary Meyer
Jeff Nugent
Jon Feldman
Lateef Nurmohammed
Andre Legapsi
Nora Nolan
Sena Ito
Elea Crockett
Spencer Soloway
Hannah Lowen
2012 promises to be a season of change for BTSH and that probably suits Rehabs Captain Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli just fine.
After a massive roster turnover at the start of last season, the Rehabs struggled to find their team identity. Attendance problems, an extremely competitive division and the tragic death of Rehabs inspiration Amy Winehouse all served to make a bad season even worse. Some wondered if this original BTSH franchise was on its last legs. The late fall return of team mainstays Jon Feldman and Bryan Welch (aka “Wine and Cheese”) and the stellar play of the Rehabs all-female backline provided a glimmer of hope that the season could still be salvaged. But a tough loss to a motivated Megatouch team in the qualifying round left a lot of questions still to be answered.
After playing goal in the women’s tournament would former co-captain Kami Moore try and play every position this year? Would Bryan Welch continue with disturbing displays of public affection to members of his own (and other) teams in an effort to throw everyone off their game? Would Danberg-Ficharelli change her name to Ficarelli-Danberg in order to confuse the scouts as she had so often promised? Most importantly, would the Rehabs still suck?
Luckily, MDF quickly quieted our fears with the following statement to the press, “As long as there is a BTSH the Rehabs will, indeed, always suck.”
And 2012 looks promising for the all-blacks. The team’s struggles last year overshadowed the fact that goalie Hilary Barta put up some of the league’s best numbers between the pipes. And the heart of the D-Corps (Kehoe, MDF, and Moore) remains solid. Team chemistry should also be stronger as some of the more colorful players have departed leaving a team that is more likely to follow the example of Stacy Kehoe award-winner Stacy Kehoe than previous year’s incarnations. Dropping down a division and improved attendance should also help.
When asked what she expects of this year’s version of the Rehabs Captain MDF replied “I want them to bring me soup and rub my feet when I’m tired. And make sure I get home safe if I get too drunk at the bar.”
With such clearly defined priorities look for the Rehabs to be the class of their division. Or the club that other teams think of as a potential long-term relationship possibility.
At least until the first game, right Mer?
Entity they Resemble According to Rich Glanzer:
The 29 MLB teams not named the NY Yankees.
Much like all the players in baseball are auditioning to be NY Yankees, the Rehabs are auditioning to play for What the Puck. An unverified rumor has it WTP has struck yet again to the Rehabs, taking two more players. What the Puck’s loss will be the Rehabs gain though, as the Rehabs will be at the very least a more friendlier foe. Stacy Kehoe has been seen practicing all winter at Kelly’s Bar playing bubble hockey anticipating the new season. Rumor has it she almost scored a goal, though I’m pretty sure that rumor is false. I see a return to the plus side for this season, with a record of over .500. MDF, Kehoe, Welch,Nora, Erica, and whoever else plays on the Rehabs should hear plenty of, “Reeeeeeeeehaaaaaabbbbbsssss” from MDF, and seen it typed on my facebook wall whenever Kehoe has more than four beers.
Opening Day Schedule Released!
February 28th, 2012Filthy Can’t Believe They’re In The Bratta Division
Opening Day 2012 is less than a month away, and as a special treat for the #BTSHUniverse, we are proud to unveil a new and improved set of conference and division names. As per an executive decision by Rich Glanzer, the former Weyersberg and Schumacher conferences will now be known as the Tagliarino and Kazin conferences, respectively. In addition, the former Rubens, Hackett, Donohue, and MacNeil divisions have been renamed to Bratta, Brown, Larsen, and Glanzer divisions.
As expected, there have already been several mixed reactions to these name changes. Mega Touch co-captain Eric Devlin wondered, “Wait, why is it called the Glanzer Division? People were really clamoring for these name changes, huh?” Poutine Machine foreigner Jo-Ann Provencher seemed confused, asking, “What ‘appen to ze ‘ackett Division?” League spark plug and occasional frequent heel, Luisa Mirarchi, strongly supports the new names. She exclaimed, “I love these names, man! I know all of the people they’re named after!”
Get Ready for BTSH 2012!
February 21st, 2012
Meredith is ready. Are you?
By Patrick Larsen (@svenplarsen)
Are you ready? Rosters are being assembled, free agents are being courted, sticks are being sawed and Megatouch are cutting V-necks in their new team shirts. All sure signs that street hockey is only a few weeks away.
Before we get on to minor details like the schedule, team rosters and 2012 bar etiquette (hint: FourLoco is so last year), I wanted to let you know about a few changes here at “the Org”. Derek and Eli, the most beloved hockey duo since Greg Goldberg and Lester Averman have indeed made good on their off season promise to relinquish the reins of the BTSH website. They plan to retire to a small cottage in the country where they can watch wrestling, update their Patrick Swayze tribute site and lovingly polish the “Best Duo” trophy that they classily awarded themselves at last year’s season-end party. If anyone deserves a happy ending it’s those two.
Just kidding, of course. Like a bad rash or Sean Avery, BTSH just can’t seem to get rid of them. Eli will be helping out with the reffing chores this year (he promises to make sure refs get paid for games before the next season starts) and the DEli combo will also be keeping their scheduling responsibilities (rumor has it that we should have a draft schedule in the next week or two). Like the old saying goes “How can we miss them if they won’t go away?” Thanks for all the hard work in prior years, guys.
In the meantime, for those of you who don’t know me (and I assume that’s because you don’t go the bar after games), I’m Patrick Larsen, a seven year BTSH vet, captain of Poutine Machine and husband of Monica Russo, a woman so dedicated to the league that she wore her wedding dress to her game the day after she got married (she also Captains Filthy Gorgeous). I’ve been a contributor to the website for the last couple of years and in a moment of weakness, league commissioner Adriano Bratta approached me about taking over the editorial duties on this site for the 2012 season. I replied to Adriano’s request the same way I do to anything he asks me, with a hearty “Andiamo”. Unfortunately, he took this to mean yes and I’m stuck with this gig.
So here’s what you can expect from BTSH.org 2012
MORE
Contributors (if you want to write for the site contact me: sven@btsh.org)
Photos (I’ll be taking plenty but feel free to submit them as well)
Loving tributes to Stacy Kehoe (I think Glanzer has sent me six already)
LESS
Wrestling references (not actually sure how it would be possible to have more)
Statistics (unless someone steps up – I’m looking at you Eli)
Kind words about Corey Winters. He has a dark side and this year everyone’s going to learn about it.
Seriously, BTSH, this is your site. Tell us what you want to see, send us your pics and let us know about anything hockey related in your life (BTSH or non-BTSH related).
In the meantime, we’ll be posting regularly with news, player profiles and (starting March 1st 2012 Team Previews). We’ll also have our first ever season opening message from the Commissioner (assuming he’s a man of his word and get’s me something soon).
Good luck to everybody and hope that 2012 is your most fun BTSH season ever!
