Media Award Nominations

October 24th, 2011

Is This BTSH’s Biggest Face?

This Sunday, BTSH will once again hold its annual year-end extravaganza. Festivities will be held at Parkside Lounge following the conclusion of the championship game. This season, in addition to presenting several prestigious awards, the media will proudly host this distinguished event. To build your anticipation, here are this season’s media awards and nominees:

The Award For The Regular Season Scoring Champion

  • Denis Miciletto (La Famiglia)

The Award For Best Goals Against Average

  • Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson (Corlears Hookers)

Biggest Face

  • Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair (Happy Little Elves)
  • Georgine “Mulva” Paulin (Butchers)
  • Joe Polowczuk (Unicorns)
  • Corey “Chongo” Winters (What The Puck)

Best Duo

  • Rich Glanzer (Happy Little Elves) & Matt Workman (Filthy Gorgeous)
  • Denis Miciletto & Shafiq “Off Black” Perry (La Famiglia)
  • Derek Tagliarino & Eli Kazin (Mathematics)
  • Mike Smith & The Anonymous Mathematics General Manager (Mathematics)

Most Underrated Female

  • Jenna Cruff (Happy Little Elves)
  • Chelsea Hicks (Poutine Machine)
  • Libby Lewis (Corlears Hookers)
  • Ashley Singer (Fresh Kills)

Most Underrated Male

  • Tom (Gut Rot)
  • Lawrence Goldstein (LBS, Inc.)
  • Kevin MacDonald (Poutine Machine)
  • Cory Watkinson (Sky Fighters)

The Stacy S. Kehoe Award For Toughness & Grace

  • Tiffany Hagge (Corlears Hookers)
  • Katie Hasty (Mega Touch)
  • Stacy S. Kehoe (Rehabs)
  • Lilly Preston (Mathematics)

The Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman Award For Agitation and Instigation

  • Peter Lang (Cobra Kai)
  • Luisa Mirarchi (Dark Rainbows)
  • Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher (Gouging Anklebiters)
  • Jesse Scolaro (Corlears Hookers)

The Fifth Annual Bob Weyersberg Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence

  • Dan Hopper (Sky Fighters)
  • David Ladanyi (La Famiglia)
  • Patrick “Sven” Larsen (Poutine Machine)
  • David Sokolyansky (Fresh Kills)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Female)

  • Heather (Gut Rot)
  • Michelle Bressler (Tompkins Square Riots)
  • Courtney (Unicorns)
  • Diane Johnston (La Famiglia)

The Brendan “Flounder” Hay Memorial Award (Male)

  • Mike Haas (Poutine Machine)
  • Nick Hobbs (Fresh Kills)
  • Dan “D.O.” Owens (Filthy Gorgeous)
  • Danny Polinsky (Denim Demons)

Semifinals Box Scores

October 23rd, 2011

Ashley Better Not Turn Around

#2 Fresh Kills 4, #14 Happy Little Elves 2
Fresh Kills: Ashley Singer (2), Mike Sokolyansky (2), Nick Hobbs (1), Dave Sokolyansky (1)
Happy Little Elves: Gil Valdes (3), Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos (1)
Goalie Win: Patrick Barch

#7 What The Puck 2, #11 Butchers 1
What The Puck: Tom MacDonald (1), Hannah Stark (1)
Butchers: Jeff “Hawk” Hawkins (2)
Goalie Win: Anthony Romeo
Game Notes: Stark scored the game-winning goal with 1:30 remaining in regulation. Hawkins tied the game at one with five minutes remaining in regulation.

Playoff Preview: Semifinals (Part II)

October 20th, 2011

Clearly, We Staged This Photo

#11 Butchers (11-7-1) at #7 What The Puck (11-5-1-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: What The Puck leads 2-0
2011 Result: Week  11 – What The Puck 4, Butchers 1
Game Notes: For the second straight season, despite entering as a double-digit seed, the Butchers find themselves in the semifinals of the BTSH playoffs.  This year, their run began with a round of 16 upset of the #6 seed Unicorns, when Chris DiMotta’s overtime goal sent the Butchers past their Donohue Division foe to the quarterfinals.  Their good fortune continued last week, as the Butchers sent #4 seed Poutine Machine, the MacNeil Division champions, packing with a hard-fought 2-1 victory.  However, the Butchers’ opponent, What The Puck, is also no stranger to the semifinals, even though the team was uncharacteristically eliminated in the opening round in 2010.  In spite of this setback, Larry’s Orange Juggernaut has looked like the What The Puck of old this year.  In the round of 16, the Puckers easily dispatched a fellow Hackett Division squad, the Sky Fighters, on the strength of Oliver Hartman’s four goal outburst.  Last week, Corey “Chongo” Winters’ second-half game-winning goal pushed them past the rival Denim Demons and into the semifinals.  Although history is on What The Puck’s side, as the team looks to advance to the championship game for the third time in six years, the upstart Butchers are eager to get their relatively new franchise to the next plateau.
Keys To The Game For The Butchers:
1. After an excellent regular season, goaltender Eric Ramirez has continued to cement his reputation as a playoff goalie.  He has allowed just three goals through two games, and his two wins this season bring his postseason record to 4-1.  These stats have vindicated co-captain Rachel Greene’s decision to pick Ramirez over Rob “Mungo” Gorden, Randy Locklair, and Tim “(S)crappy” Gray as her starting goalie when establishing the team.
2. The Butchers’ offense is carried by the 1-2 punch of co-captain Ben Bloom and “The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis.  The duo combined for 30 of the team’s 47 goals in the regular season, and each contributed a goal in the round of 16 win against the Unicorns.
3.  After a subdued performance, Arnold Sanchez recently admitted that his head was never really in last week’s game against Poutine Machine.  Apparently, Jo-Ann Provencher had stolen his Sunday newspaper, so Sanchez never had a chance to read the color version of Marmaduke.  It is unclear whether WTP will attempt a similar ploy, but Michelle Doucet was recently spotted talking to his paperboy with a wad of $20 bills.
Keys To The Game For What The Puck:
1. After missing large stretches of the regular season, goalie Anthony Romeo has finally become the consistent force between the pipes that Larry envisioned when he poached Romeo from the Rehabs.  In What The Puck’s last playoff game, Romeo allowed just one goal, and claims to have made 29 saves.
2. Another one of Larry’s big offseason acquisitions was “The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse.  He tallied five regular season goals before sustaining both upper and lower body injuries, which were supposed to sideline him for the rest of the season.  However, being the courageous gamer that he is, Skuse returned to action last week, despite having two broken arms, one broken leg, a broken clavicle, a bad haircut, and influenza.
3. Garrett Poston has been a consistent force for WTP in his first season of BTSH, but it seems his trash-talking has been far too cerebral to properly frustrate his opposition.  He merely left Demon forward Jeff Kamen confused–not agitated–when teasing, “I say, old sport, your boorish demeanor is reminiscent of that of Australopithecus bahrelghazali. Perchance is he of any relation?”
Eli’s Pick: What The Puck.  Every championship game is better with a villain, and of the four teams left, What The Puck fits that bill the best.
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck. The Butchers make for a great story, but the still isn’t quite championship-caliber.
Watchability: 4 Kalbs.  A late October playoff game is sure to give the fans some thrills, but this game may take a backseat to Sunday’s other semifinal.

Playoff Preview: Semifinals (Part I)

October 18th, 2011

We May Have Reached An Elves Saturation Point

#14 Happy Little Elves (10-7-1-2) at #2 Fresh Kills (13-4-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Happy Little Elves lead 3-1
2011 Result: Week 16 – Game canceled due to “hurricane fears”
Game Notes: Although the Happy Little Elves have advanced to the semifinals, they have been suffering from internal turmoil since Week 17.  During their game against the Gouging Anklebiters, goaltender Shaun deLacy ranted for nearly six minutes about captains Ben Chadwick and Rich Glanzer’s egregious abuses of power over the last few months.  He was only silenced when Glanzer finally pulled him from the game, in yet another alleged abuse of his captaincy.  In the ensuing weeks, deLacy continued to voice his disapproval with Elves management, while slowly gaining his teammates’ and the fans’ support.  However, his crusade was dealt a setback in the opening round of the playoffs, when deLacy arrived 20 minutes late for his game, following a mysterious, anonymous text message that read, “G@m3 m0v3d.  $T@rT T!m3 n0w 4.”  This miscommunication only furthered deLacy’s cause, as he was incensed that his captains could allow this to happen.  As a result, deLacy and several other Elves, including Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos and Courtney McBride, sought the legal counsel of Julie Katz (who is a lawyer) to discuss potential legal action over the “hostile and unsafe workplace” that Chadwick and Glanzer had created.  The captains retaliated by gathering the entire team in the middle of the Tompkins Square Park for a vote of confidence in their regime.  Representatives for the offense, defense, women, and goaltenders all attended and voiced their opinions.  In the end, the majority of the team, including Garrett “Ax” Carrino, Melanie Pessin, Gil Valdes, and Gil’s son, voted “no confidence” and walked out on their captains.  Only a small handful did not walk out, including Ryan Nakahara (who has always preached “hustle, loyalty, and respect”), Melissa Budnick, and Rob “Smash” Muggeo, who no-showed after not responding to the meeting’s evite.  As a result of this overwhelming lack of confidence, the Elves Board of Directors, made up of Dr. Byron Clavicle, Grüte Skullbasher, the Great Gazoo, and Jonathan “The Barnacle” Levine, had no choice but to oust Chadwick and Glanzer from their positions.  In their place, the Board has appointed league face Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair as interim captain and general manager.  Meanwhile, Fresh Kills enters this semifinal matchup on the heels of a convincing 6-0 victory against the Dark Rainbows.
Keys To The Game For The Happy Little Elves:
1. After a deLacy-like 3.73 GAA during the regular season, goaltender Shaun deLacy is having a very deLacy-like postseason.  Thus far, he has allowed just four goals in nearly three full games.  Like last season, the Elves will depend on his solid play to advance to the final.
2. Sophomore brunette, Ryan Nakahara, who only has loyalty to Chadwick and Glanzer, has decided not to play in this semifinal contest.  Nak has scored five of the Elves’ nine playoff goals.
3. Due to his modesty, interim captain Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair is very uncomfortable in his new found spotlight.  Can this generally well-liked Canadian bring some unity to this now divided team?
Keys To The Game For Fresh Kills:
1. Captain Dave Sokolyansky and his team will be looking to enact revenge on the team that eliminated them from last year’s postseason.  Soko claims to have learned from last season’s mistakes and has vowed not to call a timeout if his team is winning by a goal with fewer than two minutes remaining.
2. This team features some of the best players you’ve never heard of.  Notables include Nick Scott (not to be confused with Nick Hobbs), Sarah Hobart, and Ashley Singer, who all scored on Sunday against the Rainbows.  And what the hell is a Matt Kazior?
3. Fresh Kills newcomer Scott Lee (not to be confused with Nick Scott) led his team to victory last week with two goals, including a breakaway caused by speed and cherry-picking.  For the remainder of the game, his teammates consistently tried to set him up for the hat trick, but as usual, he could not finish the job.
Eli’s Pick: Fresh Kills.  The Elves have won seven playoff games in a row, but this includes two wins in overtime, one in a shootout, and one at the final gun of regulation.  At some point, the breaks have to go the other way.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  This one’s pretty close to a toss-up for me, and I’m not sure I have a good reason for picking them.  What I do know is that the Elves enter every postseason game with a specific strategy, and so far, they have executed it perfectly.
Watchability: 5 Rhas. Two former champions in a playoff rematch.  What more could you ask for?

Quarterfinals Box Scores

October 16th, 2011

Life Is Sweet For The Elves

#14 Happy Little Elves 2, #1 Corlears Hookers 1 (OT)
Happy Little Elves: Ryan Nakahara (5), Trevor “T-Beau” Beauclair (1)
Corlears Hookers: Jason Eitel (1)
Goalie Win: Shaun deLacy
Game Notes: Beauclair scored the game-winning goal three minutes into overtime.  Nakahara tied the game at one with ten minutes remaining in regulation.

#11 Butchers 2, #4 Poutine Machine 1
Butchers: Gary Cohen (1), Jeff “Hawk” Hawkins (1)
Poutine Machine: Salman Haq (1)
Goalie Win: Eric Ramirez

#7 What The Puck 2, #8 Denim Demons 1
What The Puck: Mike “The X-Factor” Woodsworth (2), Corey “Chongo” Winters (1)
Denim Demons: Zack Tinkelman (1)
Goalie Win: Anthony Romeo
Game Notes: Winters’ game-winning goal broke a 1-1 tie with ten minutes remaining in regulation.

#2 Fresh Kills 6, #12 Dark Rainbows 0
Fresh Kills: Scott Lee 2 (2), Sarah Hobart (1), Nick Scott (1), Ashley Singer (1), Mike Sokolyansky (1)
Shutout: Patrick Barch (1)