Quarter Finals Game Previews

Scott Lee & Corey Winters are ready for Sunday!

Scott Lee & Corey Winters are ready for Sunday!

#14 What The Puck at #1 Fresh Kills
1:30 PM, Tompkins Square East

This game has us wishing we’d saved the hot dog photo until this week. After all, it was the deciding factor the last time these two teams faced off in a BTSH championship match. There’s a lesson for you young reporters. Choose your meat product costume photos wisely.

Still there are plenty of storylines here. WTP has been a perennial BTSH powerhouse throughout franchise history. But past performance is not an indicator of future outcomes (or however our financial advisor puts it. We really shouldn’t have bought all that Blackberry stock. But, c’mon. The guy was going to put an NHL franchise in Hamilton!). And WTP are not the same team they once were. Romeo is retiring and half the team are receiving AARP membership cards. Sal has been MIA since 2011. Hannah and the Woodsworths have gone from making plays to making playdates (see what we did there?). And Zimm’s fitness videos have taken on a decidedly Hasselhoffian overtone. Still, “that which they are they are” (yes, we just paraphrased Tennyson. Top that Glanzer.) And it’s possible that they may yet have the fire to upset one of the most heavily favored teams in BTSH history.

On the other hand, the Kills are at the height of their powers. With the exception of Kevin “My hair was white when I was 25 so no one can see me age” Foster, this is a speedy, youthful crew that could dominate the league for years to come. Scott Lee still isn’t old enough to rent a car, Ariel still gets carded at Ace and the French Connection just attended their CGEP ten year reunion (get Joann Provencher to explain that one to you, Dave). No wonder we all hate them.

The key to beating Kills is simple. Just use the same tactics that old white guys have always used to keep youth down. Lobby the government and abuse authority until you get what you want. There are a least 5 guys on the team on T-1 Visas and we’re sure you could get Alice’s status revoked as well. Don’t even get us started on the Russians. Get Homeland Security on the case and you’ll delete at least seven players from the roster. Then have the DOD offer Barch a lucrative contractor job in Silver Springs, MD. Lobby for Steph Opitz to be named Poet Laureate. And get a third strike on each of the Sarahs. That’s what stop and frisk is for.

A few simple judicial moves and all WTP will have to do is beat Nick Hobbs and Eugene Rha. Rha is tough but my mother-in-law could shut down Hobbs (and she’s pretty much the same age as Tom Macdonald). Go WTP! We’re pulling for you Romeo! Mission 4W!

#8 Happy Little Elves at #4 Denim Demons
1:30 PM, Tompkins Square West 
by Eli “Already Regretting That ‘Comic relief’ Line” Kazin

When the round of 16 games concluded last Sunday, Richie approached us and was quick to note that the Elves would play the Demons in the quarterfinals. Our immediate response was “Good luck finding two people to ref that game!” Yes, the Demons and Elves have well-earned reputations as heels. The Demons are seen as a traditional heel, and are generally disliked by the BTSH Universe. In fact, in a recent poll to determine the least liked team in the league, the Demons won not just by a plurality, but by a majority, carrying 61% of all votes. But cheer up, Demons…it wasn’t a scientific poll. The Elves are more of a new-age heel, mixing players who rile up opponents (Luisa Mirarchi, Rob Walsh, Shaun deLacy) with those who are merely present for comedic relief (Ben Chadwick, Rich Glanzer). They received only 7% of the votes, mainly because Richie is viewed favorably by the smart fans.
Last week, the Dem…actually, we aren’t going to discuss what these teams did last week, as we don’t want to give away any spoilers for those who weren’t around last Sunday. So if you really want to know whether Jenna Cruff scored a goal for the Elves or not, you’ll have to look elsewhere.
As for the game itself, on the surface, the Demons seem like the favorites. They have a deep roster led by explosive scorers such as Jeff Kamen, Zack Tinkelman, and Lee Reiners, and have lost just once since the middle of June. Their regular season goal differential was +27, compared to the Elves -1, and they finished with the fourth most goals in the league. The Demons also have the (slightly) more stable goaltender. Seriously, if any two goalies in this league were going to engage in a brawl during a game, wouldn’t it be these two? Not that we condone that sort of thing.
However, when looking a little deeper, things get a little muddier. The Demons have reached the quarterfinals every year since 2006 but have never advanced to the semifinals during that stretch. This includes years when they were a heavy favorite (2009, 2010), upstart underdog (2006, 2012), or somewhere in between. The Elves, meanwhile, have a history of playing above their seed, as they won the championship in 2010 as the 8 seed, and reached the semifinals in 2011 as the 14 seed. And that lone loss for the Demons since mid-June? Yep, it came against these very Elves. The savvy move is to pick the Elves, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do. Elves 3, Demons 2.

#10 Butchers at #2 LBS, Inc.
3:30 PM, Tompkins Square East     
by guest columnist Vladimir “Grouchy” Marx

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There’s a touch of David and Goliath to this one. The Butchers eked out a shootout victory over the ‘Biters last weekend courtesy of wily PBR Cup veteran Jenna Cruff. The ElbsLBS wiped Mega Touch 8-0 from the playoffs like something stuck to the sole of their shoe. The Butchers ain’t nobody’s bitches, though, and if they struggled against the Anklebiters it might have been because they were saving up their latent rage to fight one of those ambiguously evil teams of the uppermost echelon. LBS certainly fits the bill, so maybe this is the week the Butchers sharpen their cleavers and start slaughterin’.

Okay, that’s the standard playoff preview hedging out of the way. But what manner of madman (or madwoman) would bet on the upset? Team allegiances aside, we all want the Butchers to win so we don’t have a rerun of our resident Omega Theta Pis mugging and curtseying for the flashbulbs at Parkside. But Cinderella stories don’t always come true– if they did, we’d all be rooting for the evil stepsisters and hurling beer bottles at Cinderella.

This contest isn’t just about street hockey. It’s about democracy. The upcoming merger of the so-called Corporation with the league’s sole governing official (the Commish) can only result in the same sort of cynical league-wide puppeteering we’ve come to expect from those fat cats in Washington who fill their wineskins with squeezings from the puckered teats of crony capitalism. This is the time for the Butchers to stand up and send a message– not just to BTSH, and not just to America, but to the entire universe. We demand representation! The whole world is watching! Attica! Attica!

Here’s the inside scoop on what the Butchers can do to occupy the LBS.

  • The Butchers should be drinking milk, which builds strong bones and teeth.
  • Chris Demotta should concoct an experimental serum that will turn Georgine into a nine-foot tall furry red monster. (See artist’s rendering, above.)
  • Operation Lobstertrap: Set up a store at 10th & A and have a sale on white polo shirts. Once the LBS are all inside, lock the door and call for a forfeit.

Butchers of the world, unite!

(Otherwise, LBS 4, Butchers 2.)

#6 Corlears Hookers at #5 La Famiglia
3:30 PM, Tompkins Square East    
By Rich “Tuques Forever!” Glanzer

For me, this is the Game of the Week, and here’s why.

We all know about the Hookers rich history. Came on in 2007, made 3 finals, and 5 semifinals in six years.
The Tuques meanwhile have never made the semifinals since the Modern Era of BTSH began in 2008. However the last two seasons they lost in hearbreaking fashion. A goal with literally no time left in 2011 eliminated them, and then last year they lost in a shootout to WTP. This is a team that’s clearly ready to take the next step.
Tim K. along with Jamie is the leagues most underrated goalie and maybe even the best. He sucks at basketball but that shouldn’t hurt him too much. Brian Ferry (I’m biased) is a solid defensemen and they added some new players to go along with their famous 1-2 punch.
The Hookers meanwhile have the one-two girl punch of Noelle “Cant wrestle because she’s a girl” Safar and Anshu “Goodzuntight” Sinha. The rest of their girls are not good hockey players though. (Calm down Jackie, you are injured so I’m not counting you)
I’m absolutely torn here. Two great goalies, two great offenses, and Putka may not show up because its some stupid American holiday that Canadians like him and Trevor take seriously. 
In the end, I’m going with experience. 2-1 Hookers.
(And I’m also going with 3-0 FK and an upset, 3-2 Butchers)

This entry was posted on Friday, October 11th, 2013 at 11:48 am and is filed under Weekly Previews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

One Response to “Quarter Finals Game Previews”

  1. the chairman says:
    October 11, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    Vlad: "But what manner of madman (or madwoman) would bet on an upset [in the Butchers-LBS game]?"
    Rich: "(And I’m also going with 3-0 FK and an upset, 3-2 Butchers)"

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