Season Preview: Happy Little Elves
Ben And Rich Plan To Turn The Elves Around 360 Degrees
Color: Kermit The Frog Green
Year Founded: 2008
2008 Regular Season Finish: 1-14-1-1 (17th place)
2008 Playoff Result: Lost to Mexican Standoff in play-in game
Division: Rubens
2009 Marketing Slogan: “It can only get better.”
Key Additions: Chris Adrahtas (Free Agent), Peter Benedetto (Free Agent)
Key Losses: Jonathan “The Barnacle” Levine (Boston)
The Happy Little Elves were an expansion team in 2008, and as a result, they struggled mightily throughout the entire season. After winning their inaugural game against the Tuques, they failed to win again until they defeated the Bad Touch in a consolation game. Additionally, in seventeen regular season games, they only managed to score 21 goals, two fewer than league scoring champion Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta.
As a result of these growing pains, captain Ben Chadwick has overhauled the roster to ensure that the Elves show improvement in their second season. He has added some talented new free agents and trimmed some of the bulk from last season’s massive lineup. Of course, according to Chadwick, several players had actually been off the team since last season, but through some glitch in the system were still listed on the roster. So…he fixed the glitch.
With the new, streamlined Elves team, Chadwick is very optimistic about the upcoming season. He notes:
The Elves this year will be the team to watch. Indeed, we would be hard to miss, as our patented Day-Glo uniforms are visible from points beyond the moon. Last year our motto was, ‘The best team in BTSH (except by the numbers).’ This year we will be the best team in BTSH *including* by the numbers. So watch out, Rehabs!!
Food They Closely Resemble: Penny Candy. Also referred to as “pick ‘n’ mix” in Britain, this is really just an umbrella term for a number of unrelated, yet lowly regarded entities. However, with modern times, they are bonded together more often than they once were, resulting in a collective synergy throughout the group.
Fast Fact: Demetri Adrahtas has competed in several World’s Strongest Man competions over the past few years, and still holds the world record in the fingal fingers (in white).
ROSTER
Chris Adrahtas
Demetri Adrahtas (A)
Peter Benedetto
Melissa Budnick
Garrett Carrino
Ben Chadwick (C)
Nicole DePontbriand
Rich Glanzer
Marisa Marcellino
Courtney McBride
Rob Muggeo
Rob “Gnarls” Nitschke (A)
Chris O’Neil
Melanie Pessin
Jerome “Hornswoggle” Ramos
Shoshana Rudnick
Eliza Sadler
y’all are goin down, son!
Distortions, lies, and propaganda. Here is a more accurate account.
In the offseason, several Elves unionized in pursuit of fairer
treatment, cost-of-living adjustments, free Cheetos, and more “ice
time”. Santa, though fierce and gargantuan, was ultimately held down
at knifepoint and forced to make some drastic changes to the structure of our business arrangement. In response to the higher expenses Santa made some controversial layoffs to keep the non-profit Elves organization profitable. (Happy Little Elves is a §(503c) agency providing handcrafted wooden toys and synthetic cookies to unfortunate Gentile children living in affluent First World suburbs.)
1) I’m never standing next to Ben in a picture ever again
2) I’m not going to bash you guys, because you used a great Office Space line
3) We’re going to shock the world. Or at least surprise some in BTSH land.
HockeyRich can’t resist if you tell him to pass to Budnick.
Is that A CHALLENGE to my Rehab Teammates…we will be glad to spill your golden hockey balls all over Tompkins Square Park, Than after that you can join the “Paint Tompkins Red for the Rehabs” Campaigne.
We’re not competing to be the best asphalt painters, $h0VV+1m3, I’m sure the Rehabs have that one locked up. After the Elf victory, y’all can paint whatever you want.
This could go on for quite a while, by the way, since our first actual meeting is in June. (I actually have nothing against the Rehabs. Your captain is one hell of a good broomball player in spite of her endless last name.)
I do think we are going to shock the world. In 2009, I predict we lose our first three games, but then beat the Unicorns 3-0. After that game, we will go on a spirited run. I predict victories over the Denim Demons and maybe even pulling off a miracle at Moffo against WTP.
Sure we’ll probably lose our first round game, but its just a ploy, because my secret plan is win the whole damn thing in 2010.
I guarantee it!!