Posts Tagged ‘Corlears Hookers’
Week 3 Preview (Part 1)
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2014Game of the Week
Anshu is 7 steps ahead of Cherie. This doesn’t bode well for Math.
So the Game of the Week is the game with the two undefeated teams. We all knew the Hookers would be undefeated since they didn’t play Fresh Kills yet, but this is the first time Math’s been 2-0 in their history. (Unless they’ve done it before…how the hell should I know?!?) (Emeritus Note: It happened in 2013. You know, last year! Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for our esteemed Editor-In-Chief, Rich Glanzer!)
Keys for Hookers:
After touring all 10 Provenchers of Canada, Jason Eitel is set to make his season debut.
Here he takes a picture with me and a special ed adult.
Well we know “HE” is back for the Rehabs but what about Jason Eitel? Did he retire from the league after being named Championship MVP? The answer is no, because we don’t name a Championship MVP…though that’s a pretty good idea. Truthfully, the Hookers are so stacked that if they are missing 2-3 guys it really doesn’t matter. For the Hookers to win they should play a patient game and not let Math feed off of their emotion. Math is going to want this game more than the Hookers, so the champs should just settle the game down and make this game about skill.
Week 17 Preview
Thursday, September 8th, 2011Alfred Still Doesn’t Understand The Rex Manning Video
GAME OF THE WEEK
La Famiglia (10-1-1-2) at Corlears Hookers (9-5)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 5-0
Game Notes: Division leaders clash this Sunday as BTSH hockey resumes (hopefully) after a lengthy sabbatical. However, La Famiglia and the Corlears Hookers enter this inter-conference matchup with very different mentalities. With an assist from Hurricane Irene, La Famiglia has clinched the Donohue Division and the third seed in the playoffs. The Corlears Hookers, on the other hand, are just one point up on the Happy Little Elves and the Denim Demons, and two points up on Filthy Gorgeous, in the tightly packed Rubens Division. While their record isn’t spectacular, the Hookers’ goal differential of +21 ranks third in the league, and goaltender Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson leads BTSH with a 1.09 goals against average. However, La Famiglia has looked even more impressive. David Ladanyi’s Family boasts the league’s top-ranked offense with 53 goals and has the best goal differential with +25. Despite having nothing at stake, Ladanyi vows that his team will put forth a full effort, as anything less would be against the spirit of the league.
Keys To The Game:
1. La Famiglia’s offense features the top two goal scorers in BTSH in Denis Miciletto and Shafiq “Off Black” Perry. Although Miciletto’s 20 goals make him a near lock to finish first in the league, Perry remains closer to the pack with 13, as the duo pushes for an impressive 1-2 finish.
2. The Hookers’ Jason Eitel is also among the league scoring leaders with 10 goals. However, the bulk of these goals came in a couple of 4-goal outbursts in games his team won in blowout fashion. Should the Hookers take a late five-goal lead, La Famiglia will have to be wary of Eitel’s garbage time prowess.
3. Although Ladanyi has vowed to field a competitive squad, he is also being cautious about overusing his goaltenders. He has already rotated between Kevin Au and Jamie Batuwantudawe throughout the season, but this Sunday, he will introduce a third netminder, Diane Johnston, in order to rest the other two for the playoffs.
Eli’s Pick: Corlears Hookers. They have never lost to the Tuques/La Famiglia franchise, primarily because former Tuques Brendan “Dutch” Kearney and Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney know all of Ladanyi’s strategies.
Derek’s Pick: La Famiglia. Yes, it’s true, La Famiglia has never beaten the Hookers, but then again, this will be the first time they play them with Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri on the team.
Watchability: 4 Batuwantudawes. Who will succeed as the league’s top offense faces the league’s top goaltender?
Week 13 News and Notes
Tuesday, July 19th, 2011Jason Finally Got His Star
Third Star: These members of Poutine Machine, Poutine Machine. These three all contributed to Poutine’s solid defensive effort, which resulted in a shutout of MacNeil Division foe Mega Touch. In addition, we’re always impressed when we see a bar showing like this.
Second Star: Jeff Kamen, Denim Demons. Kamen tallied a hat trick in the Game of the Week against Filthy Gorgeous to push the Denim Demons to a 4-3 victory. With the win, the Demons maintained possession of first place in the Rubens Division.
First Star: Jason Eitel, Corlears Hookers. With only two goals entering this game, Eitel put in an A-Rod-like stat-padding performance with four goals in the Hookers’ 9-3 win against Gut Rot. Of course, in fairness, after accumulating his goal stats, Eitel finally listened to his mother’s advice to pass more, resulting in an assist to Albert “Al” Huang.
Week 1 Box Scores
Sunday, March 27th, 2011Dustin Said Yes!
Corlears Hookers 4, Happy Little Elves 1
Corlears Hookers: Brendan “Dutch” Kearney 2 (2), Jesse Scolaro (1), Matt Zimmerman (1)
Happy Little Elves: Rich Glanzer (1)
La Famiglia 1, Cobra Kai 1 (OT-SO)
La Famiglia: Denis Miciletto (1)
Cobra Kai: Will Kuhns (1)
Shootout: Tied 0-0.
Dark Rainbows 4, Sky Fighters 0
Dark Rainbows: Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrell 2 (2), Jesse Gerstein (1), Miles Hunter (1)
Shutout: John Meyer (1)
Game Notes: Tyrrell scored the first goal of the 2011 season.
Denim Demons 6, LBS, Inc. 3
Denim Demons: Jeff Kamen 2 (2), Val Penascino 2 (2), Dave Shyu (1), Zack Tinkelman (1)
LBS, Inc.: Lawrence Goldstein 2 (2), Karen Erickson (1)
Fresh Kills 3, What The Puck 2 (OT-SO)
Fresh Kills: Scott Lee (1), Justin “The Boss” Ross (1)
What The Puck: Salvatore Malguarnera, Jr. (1), Hannah Stark (1)
Shootout: Fresh Kills wins 1-0. Successful attempt by Ariel Imas.
Game Notes: Ross scored the tying goal with six minutes remaining in regulation.
Unicorns 6, Tompkins Square Riots 0
Unicorns: Joe 3 (3), Chris (1), John (1), Luke (1)
Shutout: Craig “Ug” LaCombe (1)
Mathematics 1, Poutine Machine 1 (OT-SO)
Mathematics: Bradley Schmidt (1)
Poutine Machine: Ashish Nagpal (1)
Shootout: Tied 0-0.
Filthy Gorgeous 2, Rehabs 0
Filthy Gorgeous: Chris Mangan (1), Matt Workman (1)
Shutout: Dan “D.O.” Owens (1)
Mega Touch 5, Gouging Anklebiters 1
Mega Touch: Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta 3 (3), Eric Devlin (1), Harvey Jaswal (1)
Gouging Anklebiters: Caroline Morrissey-Bickerton (1)
Butchers 3, Gut Rot 0
Butchers: Ben Bloom (1), Randy Locklair (1), “The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis (1)
Shutout: Eric Ramirez (1)
Week 1 Preview
Thursday, March 24th, 2011The Elves Are Set To Defend The Cup
GAME OF THE WEEK
Corlears Hookers at Happy Little Elves
Location: Tompkins West, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 3-2
Game Notes: As has become tradition in BTSH, the two championship game participants will square off in a Week 1 rematch. This year, the Happy Little Elves enter as the defending champions, while–as has become another tradition–the Corlears Hookers enter as the runner-up. Little has changed on the Elves’ roster during the offseason, as their leading scorers Trevor Beauclair and Gil Valdez are both returning. The team may appear a little faster this season, however, as team anchor Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri has moved to Oklahoma City. Team captain Rich Glanzer has been appointed by team captain “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick as the new team anchor. Like the Elves, the Corlears Hookers also had few significant losses. In addition, the team is thrilled to welcome back two former superstars in Jock Paul and Noelle “Slapshot” Safar. The presence of these two players was sorely missed during the championship game, as the duo has been known to strike fear into the hearts of even the calmest of goaltenders. League Nostradamus Rich Glanzer has projected that these two teams are the favorites to win the championship at the end of the season. Although we are literally months away from the playoffs, both teams would certainly like to energize their season with a key win on Opening Day.
Keys To The Game:
1. Elves brunette sophomore Ryan Nakahara tallied two goals in last season’s championship, giving him four for the playoffs. The Elves will once again need him to come through in the clutch if they wish to win this game.
2. After missing several games last season, Hookers forward and co-captain Jason Eitel has vowed to have perfect attendance in 2011. He has also vowed to pass a lot more, but the media do not believe either of these promises.
3. In the above photo, Glanzer is seen sporting a New York Jets t-shirt and a Buffalo Bills cap. This Sunday, in another show of split loyalties and potential confusion, he plans to wear a Corlears Hookers cap in addition to his usual lime green Elves jersey.
Eli’s Pick: Corlears Hookers. They are undefeated (4-0) on Opening Day.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves. The team is eager to prove that last year’s playoff run and championship were not flukes.
Watchability: 4.5 deLacys. If this game were later in the season with a little more riding on it, it could be a 5. For now, however, it should just be a very competitive game.
