Posts Tagged ‘Gouging Anklebiters’
Week 17 News and Notes
Tuesday, September 21st, 2010Can You Guess Which Of These Elves Leads The League In Goals?
With just one week remaining in the regular season, the race for the 2010 BTSH scoring title is nearing a conclusion. Here are the top contenders for this coveted honor, which guarantees one pull from the media’s Mystery Box at the end of season awards ceremony:
Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney, Corlears Hookers (14 goals): It’s no secret that Gavin’s offensive output is directly correlated to Jason Eitel’s busy summer schedule. With Jason missing several games this season, Gavin has had the opportunity to play alongside teammates who actually pass the ball once in a while, a distinct difference from the days of Eitel. However, Gavin still has his work cut out for him, as he faces the Denim Demons and the league’s toughest defense this weekend. Odds of winning: 25-1.
Mike Pereira, Denim Demons (14 goals): Mike’s production has slid under the radar this season with teammate Zack Tinkelman getting the bulk of the media’s attention. Although he has always boasted a strong goals per game average, this is the first season in recent memory that Mike’s attendance has been consistent enough to make a real impact. Regardless, he will have to put up a hat trick against the staunch Corlears Hookers defense if he wants to win the scoring race. Odds of winning: 20-1.
“The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin, LBS, Inc. (15 goals): One of the few certainties of BTSH is that year in and year out, Ken, along with his linemate Karsten Pichon, will always be among the top scoring tandems. This season is no different. Once again, Ken has been extremely consistent throughout the season and has also produced the occasional outburst (4 goals vs. Tompkins Square Riots). He will face goaltender Craig “Ug” LaCombe and the Unicorns this Sunday. Odds of winning: 12-1.
Week 12 News and Notes
Tuesday, July 27th, 2010Anklebiters Caught!
Disciplinary Committee Chair Haanwa Chau has finally completed her thorough investigation into alleged hazing violations against the Gouging Anklebiters. She has put forth the following report:
The following charges are brought:
First, that the Gouging Anklebiters did knowingly violate the rules governing free agent recruitment by serving alcohol to new players during scrimmage weeks and after established drinking hours.
Second, that for the fifth consecutive season, the Anklebieters have achieved a deficient knowledge of league rules and guidelines.
Third, that the Anklebiters routinely provided dangerous performance-enhancing drugs to its players during the playoff weeks.
And most recently, that a Roman toga party was held, from which I have received two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.
These are the charges as recorded this day July 27, 2010. Faithfully submitted, Haanwa Chau, Disciplinary Chair.
After consulting with former Disciplinary Chair, Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher, Chau has placed the Anklebiters on “double secret probation”.
Week 11 News and Notes
Tuesday, July 20th, 2010Everyone Loves The Denim Demons
As a thank you to you, the loyal reader, we the writers thought we’d give you a snapshot of who’s going to btsh.org, and how they are getting there. Here are some interesting facts and figures we have noticed, taken directly from Google Analytics:
1. As expected, the United States and Canada rank as the first and second countries in terms of site traffic, combining for well over 90% of visits. However, it is a little surprising that Switzerland ranks third with 75 visits since June 1. We at the media can only infer that this is due to our unbiased and neutral approach to reporting the BTSH news. Also of note are Israel and South Africa, which each had three visits during this time. Thank you to the Denim Demons’ Jeff Kamen for checking the site while pursuing a Master’s Degree in Israel and Cobra Kai’s Will Kuhns for checking in while working at the World Cup in South Africa.
2. Site traffic peaked on Monday, June 7. Although visitors were most likely looking for the results of the Sega NHL 94 tournament from the previous day, they were instead treated to a picture of Denim Demon David Kenneth Fraser doing a butterfly stretch with the Week 7 box scores. Upon seeing how many people were interested in stretching techniques, Demon captain Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens graciously posted a full lesson on pre-game calisthenics several weeks later. As of now, that post has been viewed 209 times.
Week 7 News and Notes
Tuesday, June 8th, 2010Somewhere, James Stein Is Crying
This past Sunday, Craig “Ug” LaCombe of the Unicorns hosted BTSH’s first Sega NHL 94 tournament to benefit Kelly Buchanan. With nearly 40 participants, the event was a rousing success. The afternoon and evening featured several intense rounds of play, but in the end, two competitors remained: Josh Feldman, the brother of someone in the scrimmage group (no relation to Rehabs instigator Jon “Dinner Plate” Feldman, however), and Jay Rosenberg, Rachel “A-Korn” Greene’s former co-worker.
The final consisted of a best of three series with Feldman controlling the New York Rangers and Rosenberg controlling the Vancouver Canucks, thus mimicking the actual 1994 Stanley Cup Final. After a solid victory in the first game, Feldman clinched first place with an amazing third period comeback in the second. At the end of the night, Feldman returned $75 of his winnings, while Rosenberg returned his full second place prize of $20.
Week 7 Preview
Thursday, June 3rd, 2010Chuck Has A Lot On His Mind
GAME OF THE WEEK
Gouging Anklebiters (4-1) at Denim Demons (4-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 5-5-1
Game Notes: Upon hearing that the media would promote his matchup against the Denim Demons as the Game of the Week, the normally reserved Charles DeFranco of the Gouging Anklebiters went off on one of his now infamous rants about his opponents:
Adam is a legend only in his own mind, Abby has too much dirty laundry, Steve is a Devils fan, Lena hates puppies, Jeff is out of the country, Zack’s dad always gets in the way, Gabby wears too much red, Emily doesn’t wear enough red, Brad is not sexy, Aaron can’t play the drums, Tara sings off key, Danny’s cooking sucks, Bob disgusts me, Lauren is an elitist, Miranda isn’t civic-minded, Mike only plays for personal stats, Dave needs a shower, Connie drives too slowly, Bill is not a sweetie, Val cried during Baseketball, Dez is frequently truant, Noah chews with his mouth open, and Sara has never watched The A-Team. As for Jim, there’s nothing bad I can say about him.
When reached for comment, Denim Demons captain Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens was reportedly not pleased with DeFranco’s remarks. However, teammate “Hacksaw” Jim Dandeneau was elated.
Keys To The Game:
1. Since vicious hazing allegations against the Gouging Anklebiters were made public prior to Week 2, the team has reeled off four consecutive victories, including a seven-goal output against Cobra Kai.
2. Despite the absence of last season’s team scoring leader, Jeff Kamen, the Denim Demons have had no trouble finding the back of the net this year. They are third in the league with 19 goals, a league-leading seven of which are from forward Zack Tinkelman.
3. Denim Demon newcomer Bob DiProspero is quickly making a case for himself to be the Little Chernoski Demon Achiever for top rookie on the team. He has already scored three goals this season and also tallied a shootout goal against the arch-rival Rehabs.
Eli’s Pick: No pick. Eli will be reffing this game.
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons. Rubens is clearly incensed by DeFranco’s comments and has vowed to kill the legend of his trash-talking.
Watchability: 4 Derhohannesians. With both teams on hot streaks, neither will want to lose any momentum.
