Posts Tagged ‘Happy Little Elves’
Week 9 Preview
Friday, June 20th, 2014
GOTW: Fresh Kills at Happy Little Elves (by Eli)
Last week’s Game of the Week was kind of a letdown, as La Famiglia put forth a skeleton squad and was doubled up by the Corlears Hookers. Let’s hope that this week’s featured game lives up to the hype.
Keys To The Game For Fresh Kills:
Attendance matters. Last week, Fresh Kills was able to squeeze by a scrappy What The Puck squad despite having only two subs. Sure, that allowed Gabe to play most of the game, but that won’t cut it against the Elves. Dave might need to take some drastic action and get Steph Opitz back to New York on the first plane from Texas and send a bus up to Boston to pick up Hobart. Of course, the biggest absence will be in goal, as Patrick is down in Brazil cheering on the Yanks in the World Cup. Better start checking that free agent goalie list, Dave!
Keys To The Game For The Happy Little Elves:
Last Sunday was a monumental one in Elves history. Not as monumental as beating the Tuques in their inaugural game in 2008, mind you, but still monumental. After years of failure, the Elves finally broke through and beat their white whale, the Gouging Anklebiters. The Elves are now tied for first in the $h0wT!m3 Division with a 6-1 record and are outscoring opponents by a 3-to-1 margin. Who knew that all it would take was to send Trevor off to Los Angeles and move Shaun out of the crease?!
Prediction:
The Elves have teased us before with a fast start before leveling off and finishing in the middle of the pack. But they’ve already exceeding this editor’s expectations and don’t seem to be slowing down any time soon. The Elves’ torrid start continues as they topple Fresh Kills, 4-2.
Derek: Both teams have looked impressive up to this point, but I’m giving a slight edge to Fresh Kills for this one. 4-2 win for the Fighting Sokos.
Rich: We’ve gotten killed by them the last two years and eliminated by them three years ago. They have our #, and Boris, Ben and Gil’s son will be missing. No prediction on this one.
The Previously Unpublished 2013 Happy Little Elves Preview
Friday, May 30th, 20142012 could have been a great season for the Happy Little Elves. On the morning of July 30, the Elves woke up on the precipice of main-event status, having maintained possession of the once prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup with a 6-1 thumping of the Dark Rainbows the previous day. Their record stood at an impressive 8-3-0-2, good for a three-way tie for the #5 playoff seed.
Rich is busy figuring out all of the Elves’ playoff seed permutations. Meanwhile, Rob is not impressed with the size of the Barnacle Bowl.
Week 6 Preview: Part II
Tuesday, May 13th, 2014So its my birthday weekend and instead of you giving a gift to me, I am going to give a gift to you, the BTSH Universe. Elly is going to write a preview on how he thinks I am perceiving this matchup, and I will do the same for him.
Suddenly after switching brains with me, Elly remembers every game in BTSH history from the start of the Modern Era (2008), and all of his shirts magically turned lime green.
5 Thoughts, by Elly:
1) Why doesn’t Richie ever talk about Brad or Langer in our previews?
2) I know why, its because I’m better than both of them. I scored two goals last week, none of those two jerks scored any.
3) Why is my grammar really terrible all of a sudden?
4) Hey…why won’t those guys in the background let me sit with them?
5) My life sucks, I wish I was Rich Glanzer.
5 Thoughts, by Richie
Rich is hoping to play some Skeetball at Ace on Sunday to celebrate both his birthday and a Mathematics win!
2) This weekend is also my birthday weekend. Shaun deLacy has not wished me a ‘Happy birthday!’ yet. Neither has Gil’s son. Or Gil’s son’s dad. Don’t they know it’s my birthday weekend this weekend? They’re all getting benched to start the game. I will start instead…
3) Any girl on our team who scores a goal against Math on Sunday gets a dollar. If Derk or Elly are on the court when the goal is scored, I’ll add another dollar. That’s fair…
4) However, if I give you a dollar, you have to play me in Skeetball at Ace Bar after the game. And I will win. Because I never lose to a girl in Skeetball. Or arm wrestling…
5) Derk, Elly, that’s not what I sound like. I sound like this. Derk, Elly…”
[Derek’s Note: There’s no way Richie wrote that, because I’m pretty sure he’s never spelled “deLacy” correctly in his life.]
The *Real* Stars of Week 5
Tuesday, May 6th, 2014So yesterday we put up stars 4-6 of Week 5. We at The Authority felt they played great and deserved our love. But the backlash that you, the BTSH Universe, gave us has been unprecedented. You only want the top 3 stars.
Gil (“Gil’s Son’s Dad”) Valdes demands that we show only the top 3 stars of the week. Especially in a week where he gets a goal and three assists.
Week 4 Preview: Part II
Thursday, April 24th, 2014GOTW: Happy Little Elves at Denim Demons
Our second Game of the Week features one of the league’s nastiest rivalries. Even though the Elves and the Demons are no longer in the same division, this should still be a spirited affair. Last week, the Elves took a big step towards retaining the no longer prestigious (but still imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup with a win against the Gremlins, while the Demons suffered a tough loss to LBS, Inc.
The Fairy Tale Cup may be imaginary, but the Barnacle Bowl is real.
Who is this mysterious Boris? He’s got three goals on the season and has been one of the biggest reasons for the Elves’ 2-0 start (Rob Walsh and his four goals have too, but we’re not focusing on him). Is he American? Russian? Maybe a Bulgarian brute? One thing is for sure, though. Whenever Sarah T. , and only Sarah T., tells Boris to do something, he does. She can be seen during games pacing the sidelines, yelling out instructions such as, “Boris, cover point!”, “Boris, forecheck!”, or “Boris, score goal!”
Keys for the Denim Demons:
Where’s Coach? Has anyone seen Coach? The Demons’ goaltender has been very reliable with his attendance in the past, so his absence is definitely concerning. There are unconfirmed and unsubstantiated “sightings” of Coach from the past few weeks, once at an East Village Chipotle in early April, and once at a Western Pennsylvania Eat’n Park over the weekend. We might need to get Leslie Nielsen involved to find Coach. What’s that? He’s dead?! Uh oh! Unfortunately, the mystery of Coach could take all summer to solve.
This man was our last hope for finding Coach.
The Elves have been firing on all cylinders to start the season, and the aforementioned Boris and newcomer John Brügger have given their roster a little more depth than in years past. If Coach is still not present and accounted for, things could get rough for the Demons. They might have to use the ultimate unknown factor: a free agent goalie. Or, you know, Coach could magically re-appear. Either way, I think the Elves get the win, 3-2.
Rich’s Pick: What do Boris, Walsh and Sarah T. have in common? All probably won’t play this Sunday. Right now we have one girl so I’m not loving our chances. I think I’ll go conservative and just go with Elves 13, Demons 0.
Derek’s Pick: If Rich is telling the truth (which he always does), and Boris, Walsh, and Sarah T. are all AWOL, I have to go with the Demons, 4-2.
