Posts Tagged ‘Happy Little Elves’
Week 5 News and Notes
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011Is Jesse Kalb The Next Elves Captain?
In order to right the ship after losses to What The Puck and Mega Touch, the Happy Little Elves made the drastic decision to appoint a guest captain for their Rubens Division matchup against the Denim Demons. After a grueling application process, regular captains “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick and Rich Glanzer based their choice on the outcome of a “skeetball” game. Thus, when Mathematics captain Derek Tagliarino ousted Chadwick, he was given the reins to the team.
Employing the guest captain’s brilliant new strategy dubbed the TEDI (Tagliarino’s Elves Defensive Initiative), the Elves held the Demons scoreless through all of regulation and overtime. Unfortunately, the TEDI does not include any methods for scoring goals, so the Elves were also held off the score sheet. However, the Elves were ultimately victorious, when Tagliarino made the bold decision to put under-utilized and often overlooked flaxen-haired defender Trevor Beauclair in the shootout. The always modest Beauclair converted the final shootout attempt of the day, clinching the win for the Elves and Tagliarino.
After the success of Sunday’s guest captain (who retires undefeated from the position), Chadwick and Glanzer have already announced that they will continue to invite others to lead the team. Some of the rumored candidates include Jonathan “The Barnacle” Levine, Mike Smith, Anita Khar, Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi, Julie Katz, Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer, Jesse Kalb, Karsten Pichon, and $h0wT!m3.
Guest Columnist: Rich Glanzer
Monday, April 25th, 2011The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Rich Glanzer.
For winning the Survivor Pool for the second straight year [Ed: Factual inaccuracy #1], I get to make yet another guest column. Here it is:
This is the true story [Ed: Factual inaccuracy #2], of two strangers, picked to run a co-ed hockey team, work together, and get their asses kicked. Find out what happens when captains stop being polite, and start getting real. The real story of the Happy Little Elves.
In 2008, the Happy Little Elves were formed. Two men, one loved, and the other me, fought for control of the franchise. The tall one they call Ben Chadwick eventually won the power struggle (because he paid Bob W. the league fee, and I didn’t), and that is how the Happy Little Elves came into existence. Years later, many books, movies, and inaccurate stories on the BTSH website [Ed: Including this very guest column] detailed how the Elves went from Lime Green Losers to champions of the BTSH world. But finally the secret tapes came out as I knew they would, and the true story has finally been revealed.
How did I know the tapes would come out??? [Ed: Two of these question marks are superfluous] Well, I leaked it on my Facebook account a few months ago. But here are the secret conversations between Ben Chadwick and myself.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmF42fFSnLc
As you can see, the friction between the 2009 Duo of the Year, Ben Chadwick and myself, has not thawed. We hate each other as much as we did the first day when I said to him, “Hi, my name is Rich Glanzer, but you can call me Captain.”
However, we both agree on three things:
- The Simpsons is way better than Family Guy
- Jan Erixon would still be the best Ranger
- Shaun deLacey [sic] is a jerk, but he’s our jerk
Week 2 News and Notes
Tuesday, April 5th, 2011Will There Be A Lockout?
As the BTSH collective bargaining agreement between team owners and players nears its expiration date, pundits have begun to talk seriously about a potential work stoppage.
Before signing a new agreement, team owners are pushing for four major changes. First, they want to extend the BTSH regular season by an additional two games. In exchange, pre-season scrimmages would be eliminated. Second, they would like a rookie wage scale. This would basically be known as the “Nick Hobbs Provision,” as Fresh Kills was forced to sign Hobbs to one of BTSH’s most lucrative contracts before he even played a game. As a result, his compensation has crippled their salary cap maneuverability for several seasons. Third, the owners demand a greater share of all league revenue. Tensions on this matter intensified when league manager Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta arrived at Tompkins Square Park in Week 1 driving his new Maserati. Fourth, owners would like to repeal players’ bonuses for breaches of contracts. This issue came up recently after noted Mathematics defender Justin “Ballard” Perras missed his team’s game last week, which violated the terms of his contract.
Week 1 Preview
Thursday, March 24th, 2011The Elves Are Set To Defend The Cup
GAME OF THE WEEK
Corlears Hookers at Happy Little Elves
Location: Tompkins West, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 3-2
Game Notes: As has become tradition in BTSH, the two championship game participants will square off in a Week 1 rematch. This year, the Happy Little Elves enter as the defending champions, while–as has become another tradition–the Corlears Hookers enter as the runner-up. Little has changed on the Elves’ roster during the offseason, as their leading scorers Trevor Beauclair and Gil Valdez are both returning. The team may appear a little faster this season, however, as team anchor Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri has moved to Oklahoma City. Team captain Rich Glanzer has been appointed by team captain “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick as the new team anchor. Like the Elves, the Corlears Hookers also had few significant losses. In addition, the team is thrilled to welcome back two former superstars in Jock Paul and Noelle “Slapshot” Safar. The presence of these two players was sorely missed during the championship game, as the duo has been known to strike fear into the hearts of even the calmest of goaltenders. League Nostradamus Rich Glanzer has projected that these two teams are the favorites to win the championship at the end of the season. Although we are literally months away from the playoffs, both teams would certainly like to energize their season with a key win on Opening Day.
Keys To The Game:
1. Elves brunette sophomore Ryan Nakahara tallied two goals in last season’s championship, giving him four for the playoffs. The Elves will once again need him to come through in the clutch if they wish to win this game.
2. After missing several games last season, Hookers forward and co-captain Jason Eitel has vowed to have perfect attendance in 2011. He has also vowed to pass a lot more, but the media do not believe either of these promises.
3. In the above photo, Glanzer is seen sporting a New York Jets t-shirt and a Buffalo Bills cap. This Sunday, in another show of split loyalties and potential confusion, he plans to wear a Corlears Hookers cap in addition to his usual lime green Elves jersey.
Eli’s Pick: Corlears Hookers. They are undefeated (4-0) on Opening Day.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves. The team is eager to prove that last year’s playoff run and championship were not flukes.
Watchability: 4.5 deLacys. If this game were later in the season with a little more riding on it, it could be a 5. For now, however, it should just be a very competitive game.
Season Preview: Happy Little Elves
Tuesday, March 15th, 2011This Is Why The Elves Can’t Have Nice Things
Color: Electric Lime
Year Founded: 2008
2010 Regular Season Finish: 8-5-0-3 (3rd, Hackett Division; 8th overall)
2010 Playoff Result: Defeated Corlears Hookers in championship game
Conference: Weyersberg
Division: Rubens
2010 Leading Scorer: Trevor Beauclair, 17 goals
Team Song: Zack Ryder’s theme music
Key Additions: None
Key Losses: None
