Posts Tagged ‘Happy Little Elves’
Week 17 News and Notes
Tuesday, September 21st, 2010Can You Guess Which Of These Elves Leads The League In Goals?
With just one week remaining in the regular season, the race for the 2010 BTSH scoring title is nearing a conclusion. Here are the top contenders for this coveted honor, which guarantees one pull from the media’s Mystery Box at the end of season awards ceremony:
Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney, Corlears Hookers (14 goals): It’s no secret that Gavin’s offensive output is directly correlated to Jason Eitel’s busy summer schedule. With Jason missing several games this season, Gavin has had the opportunity to play alongside teammates who actually pass the ball once in a while, a distinct difference from the days of Eitel. However, Gavin still has his work cut out for him, as he faces the Denim Demons and the league’s toughest defense this weekend. Odds of winning: 25-1.
Mike Pereira, Denim Demons (14 goals): Mike’s production has slid under the radar this season with teammate Zack Tinkelman getting the bulk of the media’s attention. Although he has always boasted a strong goals per game average, this is the first season in recent memory that Mike’s attendance has been consistent enough to make a real impact. Regardless, he will have to put up a hat trick against the staunch Corlears Hookers defense if he wants to win the scoring race. Odds of winning: 20-1.
“The Alpha Male” Ken Poulin, LBS, Inc. (15 goals): One of the few certainties of BTSH is that year in and year out, Ken, along with his linemate Karsten Pichon, will always be among the top scoring tandems. This season is no different. Once again, Ken has been extremely consistent throughout the season and has also produced the occasional outburst (4 goals vs. Tompkins Square Riots). He will face goaltender Craig “Ug” LaCombe and the Unicorns this Sunday. Odds of winning: 12-1.
Week 16 Box Scores
Sunday, August 29th, 2010The Elves Have Reason To Be Happy
Happy Little Elves 3, Sky Fighters 2
Happy Little Elves: Trevor Beauclair 2 (16), Gil Valdes (12)
Sky Fighters: Greg Infanti (8), Dan Lee (2)
Unicorns 4, Filthy Gorgeous 0
Unicorns: Joe 2 (7), Chris (4), Caitlin (1)
Shutout: Craig “Ug” LaCombe (2)
Dark Rainbows 3, LBS, Inc. 0
Dark Rainbows: Josh Wilson 2 (5), Denis Miciletto (on loan from La Famiglia)
Shutout: John Meyer (2)
Denim Demons 5, Butchers 1
Denim Demons: Mike Pereira 2 (14), Dave Fraser (3), Dave Shyu (3), Jeff Kamen (1)
Butchers: Georgine “Mulva” Paulin (1)
Mega Touch 3, Fresh Kills 2 (OT-SO)
Mega Touch: Andy Robertson (1), Scott Rosenthal (1)
Fresh Kills: Mike Sokolyansky (7), Ariel Imas (3)
Shootout: Mega Touch wins 1-0. Successful attempt by Eric Devlin.
Game Notes: Imas’ goal tied the game with three seconds remaining in regulation.
Poutine Machine 1, Gut Rot 0
Poutine Machine: Salman Haq (3)
Shutout: Tim Brown (1)
Game Notes: Haq’s goal came three minutes remaining in regulation time.
Tompkins Square Riots 7, Cobra Kai 2
Tompkins Square Riots: Alexandre Frenette 3 (11), Johan Blohmé 2 (2), Craig Thompson (5), Al Mendili (1)
Cobra Kai: Will Kuhns (7), Mark Talercio (7)
Rehabs 3, Corlears Hookers 2
Rehabs: Tom Houston 2 (4), Rob Blandi (5)
Corlears Hookers: Peter “Purple Rain” Putka 2 (7)
What The Puck 5, Mathematics 3
What The Puck: Tom MacDonald 2 (6), Mike “The X-Factor” Woodsworth (5), Corey “Chongo” Winters (3), Lisa Harrington (1)
Mathematics: Andy Pratt 3 (8)
Week 16 Preview
Thursday, August 26th, 2010Chris Doesn’t Like Being Touched
GAME OF THE WEEK
Happy Little Elves (6-4-0-3) at Sky Fighters (7-5-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
Game Notes: With only a point separating first from fourth in the Hackett Division standings, tensions will be high in Saturday’s clash between the Happy Little Elves and Sky Fighters. Although the Elves have performed decently this season and are still in a good position to win the division, co-captain Rich Glanzer believes the team is still playing well below its potential. The Elves currently boast the most goals on the season, but they have also allowed the most. Thus, after months of in-depth analysis, film study, and computer simulations, Glanzer has concluded, “I’ve determined that it’s our team defense that has been the problem…So I’ve created what I am calling, ‘The Elves Team Defense Initiative!!'” To help the league understand this complex project, Glanzer has provided this primitive sketch of his plan. He adds, “From now on, I’ve instructed all Elves to play better defensively, and stop giving up scoring chances. I’ve also instructed our goalie not to let the puck in as much.” After viewing Glanzer’s diagram, Sky Fighters captain Dan Hopper seemed unconcerned about this initiative. Hopper commented, “According to the sketch, it seems like the Elves want to have six players on the court. Last I checked, that was still illegal in BTSH.” Hopper also wanted to remind the league of the “Sky Fighters Defensive Initiative,” which is simply Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka playing defense for 50 minutes.
Keys To The Game:
1. While Glanzer’s artistic skills are limited, his coaching abilities should not be underrated. When these teams last met in Week 19 of the 2009 season, Glanzer called a late timeout with the score tied. During this break, he diagrammed the game-winning play, which not only clinched the Elves victory, but also preserved his place in the Survivor Pool.
2. Since the media uncovered Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka’s secret play for the Sky Fighters in 2008, a curse has befallen each of his teammates in the diagram. Four separate incidents have caused Samantha Lee, Amy Lott, Chris “Big Sexy” Shumaker, and James Townsend-Butterworth to leave the team, leaving Cejka as the only player who is still on the team. Thus, it may be only a matter of time before the Czech superstar is forced to leave for one reason or another.
3. With the Elves’ talented, yet sluggish, defender Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri expected to miss this week’s game due to a broomball tournament, it will be up to the hobbled Glanzer to bring down the average speed of the team.
Eli’s Pick: Sky Fighters. Dan Hopper’s strategy actually works.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves. Maybe the refs won’t notice the extra player.
Watchability: 4 Barnacles. With the Dark Rainbows facing a very hot LBS, Inc., the winner of this game could be the division leader at the end of the day.
The Indefatigable Rich Glanzer
Thursday, August 12th, 2010An Unauthorized Biography
By “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick and Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (with supplementary material by Dr. Byron Clavicle, DDS, LDS, NIMBY, and BTO)
The Early, Canine Years
Rich Glanzer was born on February 30, 1957 in Southampton, New York, the child of Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe. Controversy came immediately when the nurse told him he was “such a cute baby,” and he disagreed. Refusing even to cry, he announced a boycott of the hospital and crawled off into the woods. There, he was raised by a pack of coyotes who taught him everything he knows about diplomacy, a skill he still uses today.
Week 8 Preview
Thursday, June 10th, 2010Can The Elves Upset What The Puck Once Again?
GAME OF THE WEEK
What The Puck (5-0) at Happy Little Elves (4-1-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
Game Notes: High-octane offenses will collide, as the top two scoring teams in BTSH face off in a Weyersberg Conference showdown this Sunday. What The Puck has lit the lamp an impressive 28 times this season, good for second most in the league. However, with one fewer game played than a majority of the league, Larry’s Orange Juggernaut ranks first in per game scoring. Salvatore Malguarnera, Jr. and Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer lead a balanced attack with six and five goals, respectively. The Happy Little Elves lead all of BTSH with an astounding 31 tallies through six games. Rookie Trevor Beauclair has quickly made his presence known with his team-leading eight goals, which also ranks him second in the league. Even more stunning are the six goals from Elves captain “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick. With both teams averaging more than five goals per game, expect a lot of offense in this brightly colored battle.
Keys To The Game:
1. As a by-product of their prolific scoring, What The Puck and the Elves are also ranked one and two in goal differential. However, WTP’s defense and goaltending have been stingier, as it has allowed the second fewest goals in the league, even on a per game basis.
2. The Happy Little Elves stunned the league in Week 22 of the 2009 season with a 7-1 thrashing of What The Puck at Moffo. This outcome prevented What The Puck from clinching the coveted Prince of Weyersberg Trophy. The win, however, did not help the Elves to gain possession of the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup.
3. Unhappy with recent acquisition Jeremy Roenick crying on national television, What The Puck captain Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer has exercised his option to rescind last week’s trade that saw Corey “Chongo” Winters go to the Winnipeg Jets. Winters will take over Roenick’s place on the third line with grizzled veteran Tom MacDonald and Lisa Harrington.
Eli’s Pick: What The Puck. They’ve scored at least five goals in each game, and I don’t see the Elves getting six or more here.
Derek’s Pick: What The Puck. The normally carefree What The Puck players will have revenge on their minds.
Watchability: 4 Beauclairs. Roderick “Guy LeDouche” Cruz’s wild antics and unorthodox goaltending style are worth a Beauclair on their own.
