Posts Tagged ‘Hockey Rich’
The Indefatigable Rich Glanzer
Thursday, August 12th, 2010An Unauthorized Biography
By “The Chairman” Ben Chadwick and Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta (with supplementary material by Dr. Byron Clavicle, DDS, LDS, NIMBY, and BTO)
The Early, Canine Years
Rich Glanzer was born on February 30, 1957 in Southampton, New York, the child of Arthur Miller and Marilyn Monroe. Controversy came immediately when the nurse told him he was “such a cute baby,” and he disagreed. Refusing even to cry, he announced a boycott of the hospital and crawled off into the woods. There, he was raised by a pack of coyotes who taught him everything he knows about diplomacy, a skill he still uses today.
Guest Columnist: Rich Glanzer
Monday, July 5th, 2010The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Rich Glanzer.
While everyone knows I like to stay quiet and not comment much, I feel the need to speak up about a miscarriage of justice. Before I speak of this injustice, I want everyone to know how much this hurts me to say, since the two people that have besmirched our beloved BTSH, I used to consider friends.
Adriano Bratta and Ben Chadtrick (Chadwick) are both in the Survivor Pool. However, in Week 5, they, along with Jesse Kalb all lost. When it happened, I, along with the rest of the league, figured there would be no winner, and the champion would revert back to whoever won last. And that just so happens to be me.
There is precedence in this approach. If the three teams involved all tie, the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup is awarded to the team that held it the previous season. So, since all three players lost in Week 5, they should have all been eliminated, and I, Hockey Rich, should have been deemed champion once again.
But because BTSH turncoats Derek and Eli run the Survivor Pool, they decided to make up their own rules, and screw me of my deserved title.
I have to say that the original winner, Abby Meisterman, and I are true champions. We wouldn’t accept taking the title if we actually lost. Adriano and Ben are not worthy champions. They are only worthy of our league-wide scorn.
Good Day!!
Guest Columnist: Rich Glanzer
Monday, October 12th, 2009The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Rich Glanzer.
As the winner of Survivor 2, I am entrusted to write an article. My initial plan was to write a 1,000 word soliloquy about why I hate Derek and Eli. 498 words were going to be devoted to Derek, 502 to Eli. But my therapist (Abby from the Demons) says I should be nice and talk about what I love about BTSH…or just ream the Rehabs.*
So I’ve decided to take Abby’s initial advice and give props to why I drive 1 hour and 20 minutes each way from Ronkonkoma to play in this league. Here is what makes the league so fun for me to play in.**
Week 20 News and Notes
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009The Alpha Male Is Probably Winning The Assists Race
With just two weeks remaining in the regular season, the race for the 2009 BTSH scoring title is nearing a conclusion. Here are the top contenders for this coveted honor, which guarantees one pull from the Mystery Box at the end of season awards ceremony:
5. Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka, Sky Fighters (18 goals): As the only defenseman in the top five, Martin is a bit of a dark horse in the scoring race. He will have a good opportunity to catch up this weekend when he faces Mexican Standoff, a team that is second to last in goals allowed. However, the Sky Fighters end the season against the Unicorns and the solid goaltending of Craig “Ug” LaCombe. Odds of winning: 50-1.
4. “Gentleman” James Pereira, Filthy Gorgeous (18 goals): James will have to score nine goals just to tie the league leader, but he may have an outside shot given his team’s remaining games. This Sunday, he faces the Tuques, who have allowed 15 goals in their last three games, and he closes the season against Mega Touch, who have allowed the third most goals in BTSH. Odds of winning: 40-1.
3. Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta, What The Puck (20 goals): If not for a severe ankle injury in the middle of the season, Adriano would be towards the top of (if not leading) the pack. Unfortunately, after missing several games, the defending scoring champion still has a lot of ground to cover. What The Puck finishes the season against the Happy Little Elves and Mathematics, two teams with losing records, so catching up is not an impossibility. Odds of winning: 25-1.
2. Jason Eitel, Corlears Hookers (21 goals): Despite putting up five goals against Mexican Standoff in week 17, Jason has not found the back of the net in the Hookers’ last three games. The biggest factor in his favor is that he may have a game in hand on most of his competitors. The Corlears Hookers are still negotiating with LBS, Inc. to reschedule their game from week 18. Odds of winning: 15-1.
1. Karsten Pichon, LBS, Inc. (27 goals): The scoring race is clearly Karsten’s to lose. He has a six-goal cushion on his nearest competitor and, like Eitel, may also have a third game remaining. If Eitel does manage to close the gap, this elusive makeup game could be very instrumental in deciding the scoring champion. Odds of winning: 1-3.
Guest Columnist: Rich Glanzer
Wednesday, June 24th, 2009The following views do not necessarily represent those of the editors or of BTSH. They do, however, represent those of Rich Glanzer.
While the Happy Little Elves have been sort of surprising some teams on the court this season, I feel we’ve been the league’s biggest disappointment where it matters most…at the bar! There is no funner (yes, it’s a word) team than the Elves. We are all partiers and drinkers. But this season, I’ve noticed some things I’m not too proud of at the bar. We have Mexican Standoff guarding the door, What The Puck running around feeling like they own the joint, Craig and his harem of Lady Unicorns showing up fashionably late, Demons everywhere, the Rehabs plotting in a corner, Georgine guarding Derek and Eli, and of course, Cobra Kai sitting at the end of the bar, like table #9 in the Wedding Singer.
But one hour after our game is over, I’m normally the only Elf left standing. So when some guy in a foot cast is screaming, “What The Puck!! What The Puck!!” and 19 Rehabs are chanting back, “REEEE-HAAAAAABBBBSS, REEEEEE-HAAAAAABBBBS,” I’m forced to slink into a corner and whimper, “Go Elves Go. Go Elves Go.”
Well, this Sunday, that changes!! The Happy Little Elves are taking back the bar!! Last season, we lost every game (except against the Tuques and Squirrels), but we had fun darn it!! This Sunday, we are going to have a blast, and we’d like you to join us. So if you haven’t been to the bar this year (Hookers), or go to Doc Hollidays (Anklebiters), come to the bar and hang out with the Elves. We’re not bad people, just bad hockey players!! And we’re not even that bad at hockey any more, so our lack of talent shouldn’t rub off on you. (Though WTP did lose their first game after I hung out with them the week before.) This is the last week before a two week break, so no excuses, party with the Elves!
First beer is on me. OK, not really, but come anyways!!
