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Mike Is Auditioning To Play Larry

#8 Happy Little Elves (9-5-0-3) at #3 Fresh Kills (11-4-0-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: Happy Little Elves lead 2-1
2010 Result: Did Not Play
Game Notes: The Elves enter the quarterfinals despite having mixed success in their round of 16 win over La Famiglia.  The offense looked nearly unstoppable, racking up six first half goals and dominating the game’s tempo.  Even team anchor Rich Glanzer joined the party with his first goal of the season.  However, the tide shifted dramatically in the second half.  The Elves Team Defense Initiative crumbled, giving way to three La Famiglia goals and a tense final few minutes until an empty netter sealed the 7-4 victory.  Fresh Kills, on the other hand, had a much more relaxing round of 16 contest.  In his playoff debut, goaltender Patrick Barch turned aside every Poutine Machine shot to lead his team to a 4-0 win.  Ariel Imas scored twice, while each Sokolyansky brother also tallied a goal.  With Fresh Kills expected to bring a similar effort into this quarterfinal matchup, the outcome may hinge on whether the Happy Little Elves’ defense shows up.
Eli’s Pick: Fresh Kills. At some point, the Elves’ defensive lapses will catch up with them.
Derek’s Pick: Happy Little Elves.  Last week, Trevor Beauclair proclaimed, “Any team that I am on will not lose.”  I don’t see any possible way that this statement will come back to bite him in the ass.
Watchability: 4 Nakaharas

Who Will Be Smiling After This Game?

#6 Filthy Gorgeous (11-5-0-1) at #5 Corlears Hookers (12-4)
Location: Tompkins East, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 7-0
2010 Result: Week 5 – Corlears Hookers 3, Filthy Gorgeous 2; Week 14 – Corlears Hookers 2, Filthy Gorgeous 0
Game Notes: For the third consecutive season, Filthy Gorgeous and the Corlears Hookers will meet in the playoffs.  Thus far, the Hookers have dominated this series, winning all seven matchups, although none of their victories has been by more than a two-goal margin.  As a result of these struggles, the Filthies have been busy finding any way possible to reverse this trend.  “Gentleman” James Pereira, who has not scored against the Hookers since 2007, has undergone an extensive hypno-therapy treatment to help him forget his scoring deficiencies in this rivalry.  Dana Kravis has secretly filmed several Hookers team practices in hopes of uncovering their game plan, which as near as she can tell only involves Jason Eitel not passing.  In one of the more extreme measures taken, Dan “D.O.” Owens has crafted a voodoo doll of counterpart Dustin “Fake Dutch’s Brother” Olson, which he will impale on game day.  Finally, in what may just be a coincidence, Matt Workman has brought several members of the Hookers in front of the disciplinary committee this week, including Brendan “Dutch” Kearney, Jackie Spiegel, Peter “Purple Rain” Putka, Jock Paul, Dan Thompson, Noelle “Slapshot” Safar, Tiffany Hagge, Josh “Doc” Sadlier-Brown, Reilly “Fake Dutch” Olson, and Danilo Biagioni.  Oddly, he did not seem concerned with the play of Albert “Al” Huang.
Eli’s Pick: Filthy Gorgeous.  They have to beat the Hookers at some point, right?
Derek’s Pick: Corlears Hookers.  No.
Watchability: 5 Essocks

Everyone’s Excited For This Game

#18 Butchers (6-8-0-4) at #1 Denim Demons (14-3)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Denim Demons lead 1-0
2010 Result: Week 16 – Denim Demons 5, Butchers 1
Game Notes: It is no secret that the Butchers enter this quarterfinal matchup against the top seeded Denim Demons as massive underdogs.  This Cinderella team already shocked the BTSH world once last Sunday with a stunning 3-2 upset of the Hackett Division champion Rehabs.  Team scoring leader Ben Bloom and rookie Arnold Sanchez both tallied a goal in regulation, and “The Charismatic Enigma” Arthur Revechkis clinched the victory with the only successful shootout attempt of the day.  Despite a valiant effort by Gut Rot, the Denim Demons blanked the league darlings 2-0 in their round of 16 contest.  It was business as usual for the Fightin’ Rubens as league scoring co-champion Zack Tinkelman notched the game-winning goal, and all-star goaltender Aaron “Coach” Pagdon recorded the shutout.  In their lone matchup of the season, the Demons cruised to a 5-1 victory over the Butchers, with Mike Pereira scoring twice to lead his team.  The Butchers have already publicly identified Pereira as the main Demons player to focus on, but unfortunately, they do not know what he looks like or who he is.
Eli’s Pick: Denim Demons.  Captain Adam “Legend Killer” Rubens may be injured, but he can still coach.
Derek’s Pick: Denim Demons.  Covering Mike Pereira is a good idea, but there are too many other weapons on this team to ignore.
Watchability: 4 Marths.  Expect a large crowd to cheer for the Butchers…or against the Demons.

Bob’s Keeping An Eye Out For Shaz

#7 Sky Fighters (10-6-0-1) at #4 Tompkins Square Riots (9-7-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
2010 Result: Did Not Play
Game Notes: The Sky Fighters enter this quarterfinal matchup on the heels of an extremely tight win against their Hackett Division foes, the Dark Rainbows.  Although the Sky Fighters controlled most of the game, the affair remained scoreless for the first 40 minutes.  However, the defending champions eventually took a 1-0 lead when mid-season addition Shaz Khan netted the game’s first goal.  The Rainbows equalized six minutes later, but fellow Sky Fighters newcomer Dan Lee clinched the 2-1 victory with just three minutes remaining in regulation.  With several injured players including Greg “Mr. August” Cohan and Robert Kucera plaguing the Sky Fighters’ roster, Khan and Lee will need to continue to perform at a high level.  The Tompkins Square Riots endured an equally tough contest in their round of 16 matchup.  Facing a two-goal second half deficit against the stingy Unicorns, the Riots rallied for three unanswered goals, including two in the final three minutes of regulation.   The team showcased its immense depth, as three different players tallied a goal, even though team scoring leaders Patrik Blohmé and Alexandre Frenette were held off the board.  If the Riots want to knock off the defending champions, this duo will need to play a more integral part of this weekend’s game.
Eli’s Pick: Sky Fighters.  Even when Martin “Ocho Cinco” Cejka doesn’t play all 50 minutes, they still find ways to win.
Derek’s Pick: Sky Fighters.  Unlike last week, they will have the added benefit of captain Dan Hopper and his extensive knowledge of hockey, Pittsburgh, and pop culture for this game.  Only one of these is really applicable though.
Watchability: 3.5 Townsends

They Should Have Called It Nacho Platter Machine

#16 Poutine Machine (7-9-0-1) at #3 Fresh Kills (10-4-0-2)
Written by Round Of 16 Correspondent Jesse Kalb
Location: Tompkins East, 3:30 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
2010 Result: Week 15 – Game canceled due to “rain fears.”
Game Notes: As we move through the playoffs, Fresh Kills might be the sneakiest high seed in the tournament. Like all the children of that fictional town on public radio, they are best described as “above average” in most of the important metrics. They often don’t make the discussions of who the top teams are, but finished tied for second in points and top five in wins and goal differential. They probably feel no need to apologize for dominating a weak Donohue Division, so I won’t ask them to. Poutine Machine is a bit of a loose cannon in the playoff tournament. Despite posting by far the worst goal differential in the league (they were outscored by more than two goals per game (!)), they still managed six wins and a solid 5-0 thumping of Mega Touch in their play-in game last week. It will likely come down to who shows up for the Cheese Fries, whose attendance can generously be called spotty this season. Former Mighty Squirrel Dave Paglia has a history of clutch playoff performances; students of the game will recall his goal that gave the Squirrels a late second-half lead on eventual champion Dark Rainbows in the quarterfinals three years ago.
Vegas Line: Fresh Kills by 2.5
Jesse the Greek says: Lay the points. The Landfills will get it done against a game, but ultimately weaker opponent.
Watchability: 3.5 recycled monster truck tires

It’s Always Sunny For The Tompkins Square Riots

#14 Unicorns (8-8-0-1) at #4 Tompkins Square Riots (8-7-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: Unicorns lead 1-0
2010 Result: Week 4 – Unicorns 3, Tompkins Square Riots 2
Game Notes: The Unicorns enter their second playoff matchup on the heels of a convincing 5-0 shutout against the Gouging Anklebiters.  The victory continued the team’s recent trend of strong goaltending and defensive performances, as it marked all-star Craig “Ug” LaCombe’s third shutout in his last five outings and the fourth time the Unicorns have won by three or more goals during this span.  The MacNeil Division champion Tompkins Square Riots, however, are confident they can penetrate the staunch yellow defense.  Due to an abundance of game footage taken by Jaclyn Lee and captain Amy Jones, the Riots have identified several tendencies to exploit against the Unicorns.  For example, Unicorns forward Joe wiggles his right ear whenever preparing to take a forehand shot and wiggles his left ear when taking a backhand.  They also noticed that Mike always sticks out his tongue just before deking to the left.  Finally, the jewel in Courtney’s Denver Broncos hat will flicker just before she takes her patented “Tiger Shot.”  Only time will tell if this extensive film study pays off in the big game.
Eli’s Pick: Unicorns.  Right now, LaCombe is playing like Trevor “White Jesus” Tyrrell circa 2007.
Derek’s Pick: Tompkins Square Riots.  Patrik Blohmé and Alexandre Frenette may be the best scoring duo that no one knows about.
Watchability: 4 Fiores

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Go QB Eagles!

#18 Butchers (5-8-0-4) at #2 Rehabs (10-5-0-1)
Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM
All-Time Series: Rehabs lead 1-0
2010 Result: Week 8 – Rehabs 3, Butchers 1
Game Notes: The Hackett Division champion Rehabs enter the playoffs as one of the hottest teams in BTSH.  Since their mid-season signing of Brock Bosacker, the team has won its last six games and has averaged four goals in each of these contests.  Bosacker and his linemates, “The All-American Canadian” Adam Skuse and Alex Doucette (collectively known as the “10th Street Bullies”), have combined for 29 of the Rehabs’ 51 goals this season.  However, the Rehabs’ scorers have a tough task ahead of them, as they will face all-star goalie Eric Ramirez and the Butchers, who are fresh off of a shutout victory over the Mathematics in the opening round.  Four different players tallied a goal in the win, including captain and leading scorer Ben Bloom, who had 10 during the regular season.  The Butchers also boast the feared duo of Georgine “Mulva” Paulin, who is infamous for her goonery, and Ellen M., who is renowned for taking dives to get favorable penalty calls.
Eli’s Pick: Rehabs.  Due to the late start time, captain Meredith Danberg-Ficarelli has chosen not to institute a curfew for Saturday night.
Derek’s Pick: Rehabs.  Their defense has looked a lot better since the return of goalie Anthony Romeo.
Watchability: 3 BTSH Correspondents

Jason Is Well Rested And Ready To Go

#12 Cobra Kai (8-8) at #5 Corlears Hookers (11-4)
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
All-Time Series: Corlears Hookers lead 4-1
2010 Result: Week 4 – Corlears Hookers 3, Cobra Kai 1
Game Notes: For the second time in three seasons, Cobra Kai and the Corlears Hookers face off in the round of 16.  The Hookers have been quietly impressive this year, while letting other teams bask in the spotlight.  However, they remain just as dangerous as they have been in previous seasons and are still considered a legitimate title contender.  In addition, captain Peter “Purple Rain” Putka has taken several measures to ensure a successful postseason.  For example, he gave forward Jason Eitel a much lighter workload this year, to prevent his star player from hitting the proverbial wall in the playoffs, which Eitel has done each of the past three seasons.  Despite several key victories, Cobra Kai has had a very inconsistent season.  They have lost multiple games by wide margins, resulting in the third worst goals against average in BTSH.  However, the Dojo has also shown flashes of brilliance, including a 9-0 drubbing of What The Puck and a 5-2 victory over Donohue Division champion Fresh Kills.
Eli’s Pick: Corlears Hookers.  They have never lost in the round of 16.
Derek’s Pick: Corlears Hookers.  Another measure taken by Putka was to promise a 12 pound glazed ham to the team’s top scorer.
Watchability: 3 Murphys

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Ben Is Not Pleased With His Sandwich

#18 Butchers (4-8-0-4) at #15 Mathematics (6-8-0-2)
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
All-Time Series: First Meeting
2010 Result: Week 15 – Game canceled due to “rain fears.”
Game Notes: It is no secret that there is bad blood between these two Schumacher Conference teams.  Tensions began in the offseason when Mathematics stalwarts  Georgine “Mulva” Paulin and Jeff “Hawk” Hawkins defected to the newly established Butchers after captain Ben Bloom promised each of them a goody bag filled with various meats and a free haircut from Amanda Jenkins (Hawk did not receive his as of yet).  The animosity continued when Butchers agitator Ellen notched an extremely controversial win over Mathematics redneck Mike Smith in the 2010 Sharif Corinaldi Memorial Hot Legs Competition.  With their lone matchup of the season canceled due to “rain fears,” these intense rivals have had to wait until this opening round playoff game to settle their differences.
Watchability: 3.5 Hawkeyes.  Although both teams have lost their last three games, they each have a solid core of players that is capable of scoring a lot of goals.

Coop Just Changed His Name To “Pie”

#17 Mega Touch (6-9-1) at #16 Poutine Machine (6-9-0-1)
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
All-Time Series: Tied 1-1
2010 Result: Week 7 – Poutine Machine 1, Mega Touch 0; Week 14 – Mega Touch 2, Poutine Machine 1 (OT)
Game Notes: This is the only playoff game this weekend that features two teams from the same division.  Thus, Mega Touch and Poutine Machine will face off for the third time this season on Sunday.  Although both teams did notch a win against the other in their previous contests, Poutine Machine enters the playoffs with a slight edge, as its loss to Mega Touch came in overtime.  That result ultimately gave the Machine a higher seed and home court advantage for this game. Already, numerous preparations have been made in the Larsen Civic Centre in anticipation of this new franchise’s first playoff game.  Most notably, a pre-game ceremony will honor captain Patrick “Sven” Larsen for his outstanding work as the face of this franchise.  Additionally, perennially injured veteran Tim “(S)crappy” Gray will drop the ceremonial first ball.  Despite these planned festivities, Mega Touch defender Eric Devlin does not see the point in any of them and questions their necessity.
Eli’s Pick: Poutine Machine.  These teams are evenly matched.  When in doubt, take the home team.
Derek’s Pick: Mega Touch.  These teams are evenly matched.  When in doubt, take the team with more experience.
Watchability: 3 Jewetts