Week 10 Game Previews
GAME OF THE WEEK
Corlears Hookers (7-1-0) at What the Puck (5-1-0-2)
Location: Tompkins West, 5:30 PM
Game Notes: The Hookers in another game of the week? Another matchup that’s best watched if you’re colorblind? Damn right. Why are we featuring the Wannabe Habs in the spotlight for a second week running? Justice, that’s why.
BTSH Fandom was robbed of the classic showdown they were hoping for last week when Hookers Captain/Goalie and Executive Producer Dustin Olson decided to host the BTSH All-Star game a month early. Unfortunately, he neglected to tell the Elves, and the result was a 6-1 drubbing that would send lesser players in to years of counseling.
Time for some payback and no one is better poised to bring it than the Orange Juggernaut. WTP has gone from being the team you love to hate to holding a special place in the affections of BTSH fans, largely due to the adorableness of the WTP farm team. With only Peter Putka’s adorable offspring bringing the cute factor for the non-family-friendly-named Hookers, WTP has already won the battle for the hearts and minds of their fellow hockey players. Now they just need to win the battle on the court.
Time for the Zimm to insist on roster checks and send Dustin, Al Huang and Jason Eitel’s mom a well-earned defeat.
Watchability: No doubt it will be another exciting match between these two top squads. But with a summer heat wave and a 5:30 pm start time, I wouldn’t even expect Hannah’s baby to be watching this one.
Poutine Machine at Gremlins
Location: Tompkins East, 1:00 PM
Game Keys: Respect for the Gremlins who went through a bunch of off-season struggles and have put together a very respectable 3-5 record. It helps as well that one of those wins was against their French-Fry-eating opponents this week. No doubt, Poutine will be looking for revenge. But that’s where their French Canadian roots may betray them. If they follow the inspiration of the Quebecers they’re named after, they may accept a bad result for over 400 years but be really annoying in defeat (je me souviens, y’all). It will be up to team sparkplugs Marcus “the Boot” Bonee and Tracy “No Mercy” Ng to make sure that doesn’t happen. Meanwhile, Gremlin star Jon “Ex-Redpants” Rick has convinced his team to embrace a new philosophy when it comes to games. We’re not sure that existentialism and competitive sport are a good mix, but we applaud Jon’s willingness to try new things.
Sky Fighters at Filthy Gorgeous
Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM
Game Keys: For years, people have said that you only need to watch the last five minutes of any NBA game. The same might be true of these two teams.
Filthy lost a heartbreaker to Fresh Kills last week thanks mainly to Dave Sokol’s unwillingness to be Dustin Olson. Meanwhile, Skyfighters staged a last minute comeback against the Riots and pulled out a shootout victory.
So, here’s what you do: head over to Doc’s, get yourself a nice, pint-glass sized Bloody Mary and come watch this match with, oh, let’s say, 7 minutes left. You should see at least three goals and (depending on who’s winning) a lot of Czech cursing or a five-minute standup routine from Filthy’s Matt Novick. Either is worth the price of admission.
La Famiglia at Denim Demons
By La Famiglia Beat Reporter Bill Tucker
Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM
Game Keys:
Remember Attack of the Killer Tomatoes? That was a great movie. The Denim Demons of yesteryear remind me of that classic 1978 film. The Red Army of old stomped through opposing competition, running amok in the Bratta Division. This year’s squad is reminiscent of the movie’s end, all shrunken vegetables and shattered dreams. With half of the squad leaving for rainbow colored pastures, Adam “Where’s My Nickname” Rubens’ team is in rebuilding mode. With new acquisitions like Brian “Mr. Nice Guy” Kubocik and Jen “Jersey Pride” Popack, the team is looking to build with youth and wanton drunkenness. My kind of people. But don’t count the perennial powerhouses out just yet. With Coach between the pipes and Mike Pereira finding his scoring touch, this team can beat anybody any given weekend, proven last Sunday with a 2-1 victory over the Butchers.
Remember The Godfather? That was a great movie. When you first meet Don Corleone, he looks like a doddering old fool with cotton balls in his cheeks. Fast forward an hour, and he’s a dangerous fella. La Famiglia of this year mirrors the classic Coppola film in more ways than one. Starting the season off slow, The Family has since made the Brown division an offer they can’t refuse. Give us the respect we deserve or we’ll bring the pain. What The Puck learned this the hard way last week in a 3-1 defeat to the Omnipotent Octopi (this nickname is based on the vague notion that their new uniforms have an octopus on them. If not, blame it on a Templeton Rye induced blackout). La Famiglia has found their form but if they look past the Denim Demons, they may be in for a rude awakening.
Dr Hunter S. Tompkins Official Prediction – When we arrived at Ace Bar, we were surrounded by wild, mutant vegetables. All frothing and drinking and making a ruckus. Luckily, Dave Ladanyi was there to beat them back to oblivion as Famiglia will do to the Demons by a score of 2 – 1.
Mega Touch at Cobra Kai
By ORG Special Correspondent Monica Russo
Location: Tompkins West, 2:00 PM
Game Keys:
Mega Touch at Cobra Kai is one of those games that you’d think would slip under the radar. You’d be wrong about that, however. Last week, Cobra Kai faced Gut Rot and won 10-1 (!!), while (You’ve Got the) Touch only eked 2 points past the Gremlins.
The heat, however, is going to be the great equalizer. It’s gonna be hot as balls this week. Like, old-school-August-break hot. So keep some ice in your pants, and watch Cobra Kai squeak a win against MT by the skin of their teeth.
Happy Little Elves at Gut Rot
Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM
Game Keys:
Both teams are coming off of drubbings last week (Jenna’s lovable losers lost 6-1 to the aforementioned Hookers while the Rotties had a bad day and a 10-1 defeat from Cobra Kai). We’d like to think that the two sides would comfort each other, like survivors of other traumatic experiences like the Bosnian War or a night on the town with Ellery. Unfortunately, we know this won’t be the case. Why? Mary Pratt. She’s returned to GutRot to take the promised land of the playoffs and she’s sworn to carve a path through any team that gets in her way. We have it on good authority from Dave that she’s repeatedly watched the hockey classic SLAPSHOT while muttering “Dr. Hook. He had the right idea.” This should be a very fun game if the refs can control Pratt’s hooligan tendencies. But if the umps put their whistles in their pockets … there will be blood.
Gouging Anklebiters at Dark Rainbows
Location: Tompkins West, 3:00 PM
Game Keys: Two sides that have seen significant roster changes this year go head to head and … no, we can’t do this. We need to talk about Abby Meisterman.
Abby joined the best damn reporting team in hockey. And we were happy to have her. But to date she’s yet to submit a single assignment. Sure, she’s had good excuses: “I’m in St. Croix,” “I have avian bone syndrome but only in my fingers,” “I don’t really like writing for the site and I’m pretty sure I never agreed to this.” But we’re not buying it. She’s clearly part of Rich Glanzer’s transparent attempt to sabotage the site.
Plus, she has yet to get together with teammate Mike Dudelovitch, thwarting our attempts to refer to the two of them as “Dudemeister”.
You broke our hearts, Abby.
Game prediction: GAB over Rainbows 3-2 in a shootout.
Butchers at Rehabs
By BTSH’s Answer to Pierre Maguire, Rich Glanzer
Location: Tompkins East 4:30 PM
Game Keys: The Butchers play the Reeeeeee-haaaaaabbbs in this Reeeeee—maaaaatch of the 2010 playoffs in which Arthur scored in a shootout to send the Rehabbers to an early postseason bender. Last week Arthur, Ben Bloom and Rachel Greene pulled double duty and played for the Hookers against the Elves. This week the Hookers offered to repay the favor and play for the Butchers, but Larry Zimmer of WTP vetoed that agreement since the Rehabs are the minor league affiliate of WTP.
So now that the game will be void of Hooker Ringers, who will win this matchup? The Butchers, since the Rehabs SUCK! OK, I really don’t think the Rehabs suck but Sven keeps writing that and I keep getting accused by Rehabbers of being the one to write it, so I sorta wanted to actually say it.
The Rehabs are actually quite good. They have the best fore-checking team in the league and a good not great team defense. The Butchers have better BTSH superstars and if they can match the Rehabs intensity, they will have the edge. I see that happening and give the Butchers a 2-0 victory.
Not-so-fun fact: Rob B. said, “Since Kehoe and MDF are going to be gone next season, I may join Romeo and whatshername and play for the WTP come September.” True story, he actually said that.*
Tompkins Square Riots at Lbs. Inc.
Location: Tompkins West, 4:30 PM
Game Keys: We were tempted to make this Game of the Week, largely due to the performance that the resurgent Riots put in against the Skyfighters last week. TSR dominated the first half of that game and it took a Messier-like individual effort from Martin Cejka to get the ‘Fighters the “W.” If they can bring the same form this week against the Lbs., expect this to be a very entertaining match. They’ll need every ounce of talent they have as Sasha’s Preppy Puckies are marching to a Brown division win with the inevitability of a Romney nomination campaign. Can the Riots be Rick Santorum for a week? Let’s watch.
Fresh Kills at Mathematics
By Fresh Kills Beat Reporter Eli Kazin
Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM
Game Keys: Hey, remember when Scott Lee used to play for the Mathematics? Derek Tagliarino sure does, and he can take solace in knowing that since Lee left Math to join Fresh Kills, life has been rather unkind to Lee. First, Lee choked away a late lead in the Fastest Male Competition at the 2011 BTSH Skills Competition, allowing David Kenneth Fraser to claim the title of fastest male in BTSH. Then, due to an inability to finish on his bevy of scoring chances, Lee was demoted to Fresh Kills’ fourth line, where his line mates were Nick Scott’s Labrador retriever and a cardboard cutout of Steph Opitz. Finally, Lee’s passion for the game of street hockey waned significantly, forcing him into an early semi-retirement. Lee’s plight, however, is fairly common among former Mathematics, as many have suffered a similar fate after leaving for supposedly greener pastures. Sarah “T-Bone” Torneten joined the Happy Little Elves midway through the 2009 season, but blew out her knee soon after, and missed large parts of multiple seasons. Georgine Paulin bolted for the Butchers prior to the start of the 2010 season, and is consistently greeted with a lusty chorus of boos from the fans whenever she touches the ball. Even Hector “$h0wT!m3” Melendez (yes, he was a Mathematic for half a season) has not been immune to this misfortune. His Battledome presence is a shell of what it once was and he was not even put on the 2012 BTSH All-Star Game fan ballot, which was released last week. Additionally, no former Mathematic has even won a BTSH Media Award after leaving the team, while many current Mathematics possess a Media Award, including those beloved btsh.org editors emeritus (2011’s Best Duo, yo!). Oh, and as for this game, Math is so going to win.
Editor’s Note: We always thought those “Media Awards” were rigged. We’ll be petitioning the Commissioner’s office for some representatives from Price-Waterhouse to attend this year’s ceremony.
I thought it was due today.
My dog ate it.
Fuck me, I suck.
Remember when Derek ran the org and there were pictures?!?
Good job Elly…much better.
I’ll actually back Sven on this one. Our web page creator is having some issues, which probably won’t be fixed until next week.
-The Man Who Calls It Right Down The Middle
I concur with Glanzer. These are the kinds of posts I like to see from the fresh kills beat reporter.
Who is pb? He/she seems to have good taste in who they concur with. That being said, he probably hates me.
I’d like it entered into the record that the only reason the Elves suffered a “6-1 drubbing” at the hands of the Hookers was because it was Rich Glanzer and not myself in net.
Furthermore, I’d like to petition the ORG to begin keeping a separate statistical column for the Elves, namely “Goals Allowed by Rich Glanzer” because he is currently demolishing my otherwise league-leading GAA.
Perhaps pb is just a Rich Glanzer pseudonym? Or Boston Bruin Patrice Bergeron?
Hey Shaun, why don’t we do a games played column. Try playing a few games in net before opening your extremely large mouth.
Our 6-1 drubbing was actually a 6-2 drubbing. Good Ol’ Gil is furious at the new media’s fact checking laxity!
“Even Hector “$h0wT!m3? Melendez (yes, he was a Mathematic for half a season) has not been immune to this misfortune. His Battledome presence is a shell of what it once was and he was not even put on the 2012 BTSH All-Star Game fan ballot, which was released last week.”
……. RIGGED.
the plural of emeritus = emeriti. i lol’ed when i saw “yo” not far away from it.
Existentialism and competitive sports mix up better than a dirty martini. I never head onto the blacktop without embracing my facticity.
Amy, competitive sports have only the illusion of semiotic referent in reality. The entirety of the system is constructed by collective delusion. The post-structuralists took the existentialists’ ball and ran away with it.