Week 10 – Game Previews – Part 2

andyanddan
Gouging Anklebiters at Gut Rot
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Bill “Laissez Faire” Tucker 

Note:  Due to some personal issues involving a rhino, three parakeets and a sloth named Sugar Bear, Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins will be taking over for Bill in writing this week’s preview.

Zounds!  Much like the Super Bowl, the World Series and the Culver Country Regional Dart Tossing Competition, Biters / Gut Rot is the pinnacle of sport.  A grand display of alcohol tinged athleticism, this game isn’t so much a rivalry but the coming together of like-minded squads.  Known for combining fine hockey skills with drunken hootenanny, the Gouging Anklebiters are the BTSH equivalent of Patrick Kane, without the fraternity style douchebaggery.  With superstars like Joe. P and Sarah Moore providing the offense and the ever inebriated Craig tending the net, the Yellow and Gold have more than deserved their sparkling 6 -1 record.  Not that they care.

Gut Rot has also seen some hockey success along with their legendary revelry.  With a stifling defense and timely scoring led by Tom Caldwell, Tommy Cho and the Gilligans, Gut Rot is no longer the laughing stock of the league.  Led by Annika “The Anvil” Sweetland, Heather “I Brew It, You Drink It” Aspegren and Diane “Screw The Tuques” Johnston, the Rotters feature one of the best female squads in BTSH.  Despite the best efforts of goaltender Bill Tucker to ruin things by showing up hammered every week, the Smashing Stomach Biles have worked to a solid 3-4-1 record.  Not that they really care. 

And that’s the beauty of this game. Two teams, holding fast to the old school notion of good times before standings, Gut Rot / Anklebiters is what BTSH is all about.  Maybe there will be whiskey shots at center court.  Perhaps the goalies will face off.  There’s a chance both teams give the game a miss and go out for Bloody Mary’s in the early summer sun.  Whatever happens, this contest will be a shining example of exactly how to spend a Sunday chasing around a plastic orange ball.


Filthy Gorgeous at Gremlins
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Monica Russo

There are few pains greater than that of a woman losing her goalie. 

FG had some goalie messiness in its infancy, it’s true. Sometimes we had many goalies who never showed up. Sometimes we had unsatisfactory goalies. Sometimes we borrowed. Sometimes we scrambled. For a little while, we had James Stein. 
But like a beacon of blonde, volunteer-firefighting light, Dan-O emerged from the depths of the earth (a.k.a. Saturday morning scrimmage). He has been, in my biased opinion, one of the best goalies in the league, but more importantly, he has been a true Filthy, which is something that may be tough to explain, but, to me, it’s very valuable.
He also brought us Caroline, who, as these things go when you’re engaged to someone, is leaving, too. As much as I’ll try to replace her in my heart with Joanne Provencher (blonde French Canadian for blonde French Canadian, you feel me?), it won’t be the same. 
D.C.’s gain is for sure our loss. I know I speak for the league (and at the very least, all the Filthies), when I say that we will miss you both so much.
Oh, and we play the Gremlins this week. Sorry, Gremlins.
Someone find me a goalie.


Editor’s Note: Monica forgot to mention that Dan is also a competitive eater. I feel like this may be what he’s best remembered for.

Just kidding. If there’s such a thing as a trophy goalie, Dan-o is it. Everyone was jealous when Monica got him for Filthy and they all looked for similar qualities in their goalies. Talented. Reliable. Tall. Able to get Quebecois to shut up. Who wouldn’t want that on their team?

Dan-O and Caroline helped put the Gorgeous in Filthy Gorgeous and they made BTSH a better place to be every Sunday. Bonne Chance, mes amis!

Corlears Hookers at Rehabs
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West

Hookers and Rehabs. It sounds like a TRU reality series. Or a Saturday night at Jon Feldman’s place (booya!). 

But seriously, folks, there are teams in this league that can stop the buzzsaw that is the 2013 Corlears Hookers. Unfortunately you won’t find any of them outside the top division. And that includes the Boys and Babes in Black.

We’re not completely ruling out an upset (something the Rehabs are known for) but it is a long shot. With the Hookers realizing that they need some players to actually show up between May and September and the emergence of Danilo as their go to scorer, the wannabe Habs look pretty unstoppable.

Our prediction: Hookers 6 -Rehabs 2


Dark Rainbows at Mathematics
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square East
by Abby “I’m actually going to write about the game this week” Meisterman & Eli “Coachable”Kazin

Abby’s Take – Sooooo, Mathematics are 7-1. Not to say they didn’t always have talent, but I doubt a lot of you saw this coming all those years back.You go, Glen Coco… I mean, Mathletes.

But let’s talk about those Dark Rainbows for a second. The Rainbows have been in this league since 2004, won the championship in 2007, and then half the team went off and had families (or just felt maybe the time had come to talk of other things). The following season (2011) was rocky, as the team was cobbled together from players inside and out of the league and they finished at the bottom of the league. However, this season they’ve already won more games than they did the whole of last year. Goalie Ari Kipnis has been standing on his head, often garnering multiple shut-outs in one day. The Carson sisters have been reunited, proving confusing and challenging to opponents as they appear to be everywhere when both on the court. Many say that John Neilsen is unexpected so you’d think he’d be expected by now, yet his elusivity remains. Veterans Rudd and Brown consistently prove why 2007 was the Rainbows year. And though they’ve been plagued with injuries (foot surgery, ankle sprains, low attendance, back wrenching, hangovers, wedding attendance, etc.), the team has been soldiering on (and well).


The last time these two teams met was the season opener, with 3-4 to the Mathematics. But, to be fair, the Rainbows didn’t have their regular goalie and the Norris matriarch wasn’t on the court. Will Pratt want a win on his way out? Probably. Will the Rainbows want to even the score? Sure thing.

Eli’s Take – BTSH is currently comprised of 20 teams and close to 400 players, but back when the league started in the spring of 2000, it consisted of only seven teams and approximately 60 players. Just a handful of those 60 are still with the league today, and after Sunday, their ranks will dwindle further, as Andy Pratt, after 14 glorious seasons, has but one more game to play before moving to San Francisco. 14 seasons, let that sink in for a little bit. Back when BTSH started, the Columbus Blue Jackets, Minnesota Wild, Brad Richards, Marty Turco, and both Henrik and Daniel Sedin all had yet to play a game in the NHL, and Bill Clinton was still the president. Andy not only played during and after BTSH’s so-called “Golden Age”, but also before it, and was also one of the seven original captains. And yes, there is still one original captain left besides Andy. Bonus points if you can name him or her. The league has changed dramatically since its founding, but players like Andy are what connects the league of today to its simpler past.

Editor’s Note: When I joined the league in 2005, the floppy-haired Bandy player who scored all of Henry Motion’s goal was inarguably the most-talented player in the league. Through eight seasons I’ve had the pleasure of playing against Andy, occasionally playing with him on tournament & all-star teams, watching him become a husband and a dad, and having him as a friend. Andy’s a terrific hockey player. But more importantly he’s a terrific human being. he represents the best of BTSH and he will be sorely missed. Good luck to Andy, Sarah, Donovan and Elliott as they start the next chapter of their life in San Francisco!

La Famiglia at Happy Little Elves
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Rich “Tuques Forever!” Glanzer

I was asked to write about the Tuques vs. the Elves, but honestly, there is someone that can do it better. And its my good friend, the only person in the history of BTSH to play for the Tuques and the Elves, The Great (Bearded One) Brian Ferry! Now spoiler alert, I’m sure Brian is going to talk about the time when the Elves shocked the BTSH Universe and won their inaugural game (Elly calls it the true, “Miracle at Moffo”). And you should listen to Brian when he talks about that game, because its the truth. But that’s when you should stop listening. Because he’s a no-good freakin liar. Yes he’s a good friend but that doesn’t mean I like him. He’ll probably talk about a game in 2009 where he played net and they won 5-2. It NEVER happened! 

As for this week, unfortunately Brian is out after suffering some sort of injury, and the Tuques have been really depressed about this. I don’t see how the Tuques will beat us. 
Denis has been so upset he’s only benching 450 pounds, Shafiq has been binge eating and has went from 145 pounds to 147. Hanwa threw away  the extra “a” in her name. Their goalie Tim who just celebrated his birthday told Elly to fuck off when Elly wrote, “Happy birthday Tim!”

No, the Tuques were still suffering from their 2008 loss and now the crippling injury to Brian has all but deflated them. Its not even going to be close, 4-3 Elves!

Guest Reporting by Brian “Elfapictus Emeritus, Famiglimaximus Domesticus” Ferry
Like the sound of Pierre McGuire telling NHL players to “have fun out there,” Rich Glanzer’s stories of the days of yore have long grated on the nerves of BTSH players and fans alike.
“The Elves beat the Tuques in their first-ever game!” “The Elves won the BTSH Championship in their third-ever season!” “Jan Erixon!” “John Stearns!”
Like his beloved Mets, Rich has been spending too much time focusing on past accomplishments. Let’s take a brief look at some of the Elves’ recent missteps:
• Following their inaugural season, the Elves allowed a bearded three-position RFA to be snatched up by their rival Tuques. Said free agent went on to start in net against them in 2009 and beat them, including denying a late-game breakaway by Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri.
• The much-hyped and grossly-mismanaged Glanzer Dome construction project has yet to be completed, due to cost and schedule overruns, public complaints about the blinding electric green facade, and countless OSHA violations.
• Elves netminder Shaun “too big for his britches, which are really freakin’ big” deLacy not only loses his 2.00 goals-against average bet with the BTSH Media during the 2011 season, his numbers are so high the Media Photoshops a beach ball in the net behind him.
Here’s another thing the Elves have done poorly: they’ve always underestimated La Famiglia. Sure, the Green Monsters have a respectable 2013 record at 5-3-0-0 while the Octopi have yet to find their stride at 3-4-0-1. But Azzurri Hockey has undergone a lot of changes this year. Gone is long-time Godfather Ladanyi, dividing his empire across many capable hands of co-captaincy. In are several new stud players, both men and women, who may help turn the tide of The Family’s reputation for strong regular seasons and weaker post-seasons. Could injured teammates Angela Vicari and yours truly make a quick enough recovery to help La Famiglia play the part of the 2012 Los Angeles Kings?
The Elves and La Famiglia face off in head-to-head match-ups in Weeks 10 and 11. One team may win both games, or the season series may be split, but one thing’s for certain: only one of these teams has peaked.





This entry was posted on Friday, June 21st, 2013 at 9:43 am and is filed under Weekly Previews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

One Response to “Week 10 – Game Previews – Part 2”

  1. HockeyRich says:
    June 21, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Elly: My guess is Larry Zimmer?
    Bill: Diane Johnston is a top 20 female player. Without her, you guys would be nothing. She even has more goals than me and you combined this year!
    Monica: Great writeup of Caroline and Dan. I’ve searched for that epic video but didn’t find it. (Lady Gaga women’s tourney) I found one version but not where Dan was dancing. This makes me sad. Good people leaving also makes me sad. But on the other hand, they are Canadian and Yankee fans so good riddance!

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