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If You Were On LBS, You’d Be Smiling Too

LBS Goes Corporate
When you’re an elite conglomerate like LBS is, simply being called a “team” is not enough.  LBS is far more than a loose a collection of hipsters who get together on Sundays like the rest of BTSH.  Instead, their ranks include stock brokers, government officials, and other community leaders who you aspire to be.  As such, the board of directors of LBS has declared that–effectively immediately–you must now refer to them as LBS, Inc.  Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin explains, “We’re more than just a team.  We’re a brand…a brand that people widely recognize as the gold standard of BTSH.  Kind of like Mr. Clean.”  As a result of this change in marketing direction, captain Sascha Puritz shall now be known as the CEO, Karsten Pichon shall be the CFO, Molly Jacobs shall be the Vice President of West Coast Operations, and Sam Anthony shall be the Director of Investor Relations.  Seth Wachtell has been reassigned to the mail room.

Next Time El Guapo Will Have To Use The Buddy System
After a slow start to the season, Gouging Anklebiters captain Phil “Sandy” Donohue decided to boost morale with a team trip to the Bronx Zoo. However, what began as a fun day trip to escape the stresses of hockey finished as a catastrophe. Almost immediately, since he had no adult supervision, Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri separated from the group and was lost. Fortunately, a helpful zookeeper found him, so Donohue could (reluctantly) recover his teammate in the lost and found. The normally reticent Charles DeFranco had to be ejected from the premises after getting into a twenty minute shouting match with Sven, the chimpanzee. Amy Kovner also had her share of misfortune as she became a tad overzealous at the snake pit and fell in. Thankfully, the snakes were not poisonous. The day ended when the Anklebiters fled the zoo, after Zach “Cryme Tyme” Weiner accidentally unlocked the lion cage.  They are not welcome to return.

Know Your Neighbors

Name: Brian Barrett
Team: LBS, Inc.
Nickname: Grandmaster B
Suggested Nickname: B-Squared
Rejected Nicknames: Stinky, Weasel, Buddy, Screech, Ski
Origin: Suffern, NY
College: Siena College
Early Aspirations: To escape the dull, suburban streets of Suffern and pursue a lucrative hip-hop career
Hero: Vanilla Ice
Reason to Love Him: He’s a big fan of the blog.
Reason to Hate Him: He has most likely grabbed your ass (we’re talking to both genders here).
Fast Fact: Brian scored a perfect 1600 on his SATs.
Favorite Things: New York Jets, Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002, lacrosse
Favorite Historical Marker: Rochambeau Encampment, at Lafayette and Washington Avenues in Suffern, NY
Best Known For: Joining forces with Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri to form the most despised team in league history
Hockey Comparison: Mike Komisarek
Non-Hockey Comparison: Wooderson
Things the Media Will Continue to Overhype about Him: He likes to wear a baseball cap while playing.
Down the Road: Brian rejoins forces with Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri to form a new team named “Haterade”.  Also on the team are the following players: Ellery “The Nature Boy” Gillette, Eric “El Guapo” DiPierri, “Hacksaw” Jim Dandeneau, Gina Hackett, Rachel “A-Korn” Greene, Albert “Al” Huang, Heidi “The Maple Leaf Muscle” Karst, Peter Oblamski, Eli Kazin, Derek Tagliarino, and Minkus as the goalie.  They finish third in their inaugural season after half the team is suspended by Schuie (who was not let on the team).

Captains’ Commendations

Bad Touch: As the only two females in uniform, Jennifer Nedbalsky and Elizabeth Moy were on the court from start to finish.
Cobra Kai: Ara “6-1-9” Arnn registered his first BTSH point with an assist.
Corlears Hookers: Kelly Buchanan showed up to cheer on her teammates…”and everyone who wore a helmet“.
Dark Rainbows: “K.C. Fisher gets the commendation for getting out of the kitchen.” – Sean Reynolds
Denim Demons: Emily Carson played her first game ever in the monsoon.
Filthy Gorgeous: Chris Baker, because “four near misses are almost as good as a goal”, according to Monica Russo.
Fresh Kills: “Patty Fernandez can never play, but she played today.” – Amy Jones
Gouging Anklebiters: Jenny Miyasaki “drew first blood”.
Happy Little Elves: Marc Surchin told captain Ben Chadwick that Chadwick played a great game.  The Elves’ fearless captain freely admits that this commendation is self-serving, but since the game was a blowout, he will take what he can get.
LBS: Erica Lee was the only active female in attendance for LBS, and thus, played the whole game.
Mathematics: Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi played a surprisingly decent game, despite biking all the way from Fort Greene in the rain.
Mexican Standoff: “I want to thank the LBS for playing in the rain and down a woman.” – Jefferson Hendricks
Mighty Squirrels: Mike Mincieli thought Mary Simons had a good game, and Rachel “A-Korn” Greene agrees.
Rehabs: Rob Nitschke from the Happy Little Elves lent his goalie pads to Hector “ShowT!m3” Melendez.
Sky Fighters: Patrick Borelli actually came to the game.
Unicorns: Courtney ran into the swamp behind the net without hesitation.
What The Puck: Roderick “Guy LeDouche” Cruz sported new goalie pads.

Tags: 2008 season, alpha male, grandmaster b, lbs inc, news and notes

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 at 10:25 pm and is filed under League Notes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.