Week 12 News and Notes
Halfway Home
With the season at the halfway point, we in the media have written about many storylines in the past 12 weeks. Here is a closer look at our five favorites:
5. Corlears Hookers Promotional Days
After two seasons of sagging attendance among both fans and his players, Corlears Hookers captain Peter “Purple Rain” Putka knew he had to do something to increase turnout. Therefore, he devised an aggressive promotional schedule for the 2009 season. The giveaways kicked off in week 6 with the extremely popular Jason Eitel pog. In the following weeks, promotional items included a Reilly “Fake Dutch” Olson lunchbox and an Albert “Al” Huang trapper keeper. While the future promotional schedule hasn’t been fully released, the media have received word of a Jock Paul cowboy hat, a Noelle Safar beach towel, and a Peter “Purple Rain” Putka instructionl video on juggling (seen above).
4. Tuques Hockey
When Tuques public relations director Lisa Harrington read that the media compared her team to celery, she knew it was time for some drastic damage control. After several instructional seminars on charisma, Tuques Hockey is more than just a simple marketing slogan…it’s a state of mind. Goaltender Minkus has already created what will be the first of many Tuques Hockey vignettes. In addition, team superstar The Peter Wilson has promised to be more visible for his team and has issued the following statement: “Listen up, BTSH! There’s something I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for a while now. It’s not ‘Peter Wilson’. It’s ‘The Peter Wilson’. Get it right!”
3. Jeremy “The Foot” Schumacher
What began as a fairly innocent and somewhat innocuous nickname for Jeremy Schumacher has blossomed into so much more. Although calling “Foot Mania” the next “Dutch Fever” could be overstating Schuie’s current popularity, BTSH’s beloved head of discipline is making a strong run to be 2009’s next big thing. Of course, this does not mean that “The Foot” has given any slack to the league’s rule breakers. Quite the contrary, behind the power of his new nickname, it seems he is putting his foot down more than ever before.
2. Happy Little Elves vs. BTSH Media
The Happy Little Elves have been the butt of the media’s jokes since their creation…and with good cause. Their poor 2008 record combined with their electric lime jerseys and less-than-threatening team name have made them an easy target. The Elves, however, did not take these attacks lying down. Led by captain Ben Chadwick and Rich Glanzer, the team has seized control of the comments sections of nearly every post on btsh.org, filling them with mind-numbing gibberish and viscous prose. Amazingly, Glanzer even stumbled his way into getting his own guest column, an honor normally reserved for Denim Demons. Of course, Glanzer was only able to post comments after the media reminded him that his (Rich’s) login for hockey is HockeyRich, which he somehow forgot.
1. Larry’s Dream Team
Distraught by What The Puck’s early post-season exit in 2008, captain Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer vowed that nothing short of a championship would be acceptable in 2009. After a winter of intensive scouting, Mad Dog secured the services of three of the league’s top players in Adriano “Muscles Marinara” Bratta, Salvatore Malguarnera, Jr., and Hannah Stark. However, never satisfied, Mad Dog has continued his quest to recruit the league’s impact players. In another example of fabulous investigative journalism, the media were fortunate enough to procure this list of some of his targets. Stunningly, despite Zimmer’s commitment to perfection, team cancer Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri remains on the squad.
Only A Barnacle Bowl Victory Could Top This
After months of buildup, Sunday marked the culmination of one of the most vicious feuds BTSH has ever seen. Since their inception, the Happy Little Elves have endured numerous jabs and insults at the hands of the usually well-mannered media. Thus, with the Elves facing the media’s Mathematics this past weekend, tension was in the air. In addition, Elves spiritual leader Rich Glanzer and media member/Mathematics captain Derek Tagliarino upped the stakes by betting their championship belts on the outcome of the game.
With the sun blazing down on Tompkins East, the Elves jumped to a 2-0 lead midway through the first half. Although Math responded with a goal of its own, two more Elf goals late in the first sealed the deal, as the Elves eventually won 6-3. As a result, a packed East Village Tavern saw Tagliarino relinquish his prized belt to Glanzer that evening, unifying the two championships. Kudos to Glanzer and the rest of the Elves, who played a terrific game and stayed classy in victory.
Know Your Neighbor
Name: Heidi Karst
Team: Fresh Kills
Nickname: The Maple Leaf Muscle
Rejected Nicknames: The Pine Cone Muscle, Ligament, Tiny, Canadian Strongwoman
Origin: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
College: McGill University
Early Aspirations: To get an A on her fifth grade province report on Saskatchewan
First Job: Curator at the Hockey Hall of Fame
Current Job: Communications Associate at Rockefeller Brothers Fund
Hero: Warren Buffett
Reason to Love Her: She wards off bullies.
Reason to Hate Her: She could end your career if you make her angry.
Fast Fact: After Heidi and her captain Kevin “The Planet” Foster both requested 88 as their jersey number, she won the right to wear it by defeating him in a game of mercy.
Favourite Things: Litres, the environment, Toronto Blue Jays, maple syrup
Favourite Monarch: Mary of Teck
Least Favourite Things: Gallons, Quebecois, pollution, Bryan Adams
Best Known For: Having an extremely short temper
Hockey Comparison: Donald Brashear
Non-Hockey Comparison: Ike Broflovski
Things the Media Will Continue to Overhype about Her: She is the team enforcer for Fresh Kills.
Down the Road: In an effort to boost Fresh Kills’ public image, Heidi buys several ad spots during an NBC telecast of Sunday Night Football between the New York Jets and Oakland Raiders. With the Jets leading 32-29 and 65 seconds remaining in regulation, NBC cuts to one of Heidi’s commercials, causing fans to miss the end of the game. While viewers are shown closeups of Shane-O DeBlasio and Scott Townsend, the Raiders stage a comeback and win the game 43-32. As a result, the ads only serve to damage Fresh Kills’ perception.
Tags: 2009 season, Fresh Kills, Happy Little Elves, news and notes
Derek/Eli, I can take the insults. I can take the constant barage of insults you throw my and my teammates way. What I cant take is you reusing last weeks insult. I mean if you’re gonna re-use an insult, at least make it from last year!!
And for the record, I posted one time last year when I asked you what my name was on here.
If WTP truly is going to be a juggernaut they will need Ben, myself and Showtime so they can control the comments and the Dome! Adriano already has the bar.
By my estimation, the “mind-numbing gibberish” refers to Rich’s comments whereas the “viscous prose” remark is directed at mine. Although Derek and Eli are entitled to their dismissive attitude toward prolix and bombast, I must retort: “Bah! Humbug!”
Nevertheless this day and this accompanying article signify a transitional moment– a solstice, even– in the website media, as the once-diabolical dyad finally concedes the delicious taste of the Elves’ homemade Humble Pie which our duendes felices served them on Sunday. All hail your new Elven overlords!
Do you think the Squirrels would take Chadwick for Green straight up??
Do you think anyone would take Rich straight up?
i’ve got a couple of moldy socks i might consider for rich. but only if you throw in a 6 pack of water bottles.
as for ben, well….
Hey Rich, You spelled my name wrong. Its $-H-0-W-T-!-M-3 but I still got hockey love for you.