Week 13 – Game Previews – Part 2
Editor’s Note: With the thermometer pushing 100 degrees, we asked our correspondents to find out how BTSH Captains were beating the heat. Some responded with their full investigative and journalistic skills. Others were Rich Glanzer.
Corlears Hookers at Filthy Gorgeous
1:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
When teams meet each other as often as these two do, “heated” rivalries almost always develop. Think Avalanche-Red Wings in the early 2000’s. Rangers-Islanders in the early ’80s. Or Adriano Bratta and Denis Miceletto this season (who will win the coveted title of “Il Marcatore”?). Yes, familiarity breeds contempt. And so does hot as balls weather. So how will these teams keep their cool.
For the Hookers, it’s all about managing the bench. Think it’s a coincidence that Peter Putka and Al Huang are on “vacation”? That Jackie Spiegel is “injured”. No way, man. Dustin knows that his passion players are needed for the playoff push and he doesn’t need any ref trouble on the books. Instead, cooler heads will prevail. Anshu Sinha has been tasked with keeping remaining trouble spots Jason Eitel and Gavin Kearney in line, repeating the mantra “Go to your happy place” whenever either of her linemates misses a shot. And Olson has also kept the existence of the “Il Marcatore” title from Danilo Biagioni. He’s seen what happens when Italians compete for a trophy in summer heat. They may not be playing the Kills (who are slowly transforming in to the new Quebec City franchise) but with French phenom Jean Hebert patrolling the blueline for Filthy it’s best not to take chances. No one wants another “Zidane incident”.
Filthy has suffered from short benches lately so Monica Russo’s strategy for this week is to draft any available players she can find courtside. Unfortunately, this is a 1 pm game. is this the week that the famed Tompkins Square Saxophone Player finally makes his BTSH debut?
Sorry to tell the players this but this game could easily go in to OT. Expect a rerun of last week and a 4-3 shootout win for the Hookers.
Butchers at Gremlins
2:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
Remember that book that came out a few years back? 100 WAYS TO WEAR A T-SHIRT? I’m not sure if that was the exact title or not. But if the authors were planning a sequel, I would suggest they attend this game.
One would expect the Butchers to be fashionistas. Between Ben Bloom’s manufacturing connections, Rachel Greene’s Brooks Brothers heritage and Creamy’s five years working in a t-shirt shop on the Sea Isle City Boardwalk, this team knows their way around activewear. But the Gremlins match them in style and diversity. So this game won’t be so much about winning as it will be about “who wore it best?”
With Mega Touch already having appropriate the jort style, I’m expecting the Butchers to debut their new “sarong” look. Hey, Beckham tried it! And it can’t be any more *ahem* fashion forward than the shorts Ben wore last week.
The Gremlins will probably counter with another vintage look. Caitlin has been trying to sell the rest of the team on multi-colored sport skirts for years. But we think Iannis’ daring revival of the shirt suit will actually become their look of choice:
It’s a ballsy choice. And that kind of chutzpah is going to deliver a 3-1 victory for the Grems.
Rehabs at Mathematics
3:00 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Monica “Runnin’ Through the Sprinklers” Russo
Apparently the heat made me channel Adriano “Seriously Leave Me Alone My Feet Hurt” Bratta.
Cobra Kai at Gouging Anklebiters
4:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
by Bill “On the Biters Beat Too Long” Tucker
New York in the summertime is a smoldering pit of humidity, sweat and various varieties of body stink. In a word, it’s unpleasant. As the BTSH season grinds towards August, we decided to reach out to team captains and find out how they plan on beating the heat. Or in my case, make stuff up at the very last minute.
Although Cobra Kai’s captain Greg Allman declined to answer the question, it was clear a plan was in place. Investigative reporting (ie: hiding behind the pinball machine at Ace and sneaking peeks as his backpack) revealed a VHS copy of Batman and Robin. Either Mr. Altman plans on building a working replica of the film’s famed ice ray or he’s memorizing all of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s terrible puns.
Phil Donohue of the Biters had a different stance. When asked he simply replied, “Beat the heat? We ARE the heat.” With the league’s third best record, it’s hard to disprove that statement. After more investigative reporting (ie: hiding behind a wall made of empty High Life bottles), I discovered he was talking more about the team’s attractiveness level than rank in the standings. To that end, let’s face it: the Yellow and Gold are a good looking bunch. Ever see Alex “Call Me Derho” Derhohannesian in a shootout? Guy’s like a poor man’s Bradley Cooper.
Dr. Hunter S. Tompkins’ Official Prediction: After years of rambling around the sultry climates of Vegas and California, my heat tolerance is high. As such, I have developed a systematic ranking of each team’s Extreme Temperature Readiness (ETR). Cobra Kai ranks at a Q on a scale from C to H and the Biters come in at a 73.5 (based on a 10 point scale). Despite this evidence, the Biters are still the better team and should come away with a 4 – 1 victory.
Fresh Kills at Happy Little Elves
5:30 pm, Tompkins Square West
Forget the heat for a second (it’s less of a factor for the 5:30 games and nobody wants to picture a sweaty Patrick Moore). This game is all about master and student.
The Master? Dave Sokol. The student? Rich Glanzer. After somehow backing his way in to a BTSH championship in 2010, Glanzer has watched the Kills take away his title and then make another finals appearance last year. Meanwhile, the Elves have suffered early playoff exits.
So this year Glanzer’s mantra has been WWBDD (“What would Big Dave Do?”). He’s tried recruiting Russian players (get well soon, Boris). He’s tried recruiting guys named Scott. He’s tried building the whole offense around a scrappy female player (that didn’t worrk but we’re looking forward to seeing a few Jenna Cruff-Alice Bertoni battles in this game). But finally, Rich uncovered the Kills secret to success.
Get the ball to the French Canadian.
Trevor Beauclair may not sound like a Pepsi drinking, Joe Luis eating son of the Saginaw but trust us, there’s maple syrup in his blood. And for the Elves to stand a chance against Gabe Chenard-Poirier and that other good Quebecois guy, T-Beau better have a double helping of tortiere for lunch.
It’s a strategy that could work but the odds aren’t in the Elves favor. The Kills have two Quebeckers while the Elves are placing their hopes on a 2nd generation (at least) Acadian.
Ready to talk about that Joann Provencher trade yet, Rich?
“Meanwhile, the Elves have suffered early playoff exits.”
2011, Elves lose in the semis. Very early playoff exit indeed.
Well played, Bill. We can only hope that Ah-nuhld returns to such fine features as this!!