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Oh No! Not Another Clip Post!

Top Ten Storylines From The First Half Of The Season

10. A BIG NAME CHANGE.  Unhappy with his original nickname of “Tiny”, Kevin Foster of Fresh Kills petitioned the media for something new, claiming (in somewhat of a non-sequitur) that he’s “really just a sensitive guy.”  After hours of intensive research and brainstorming, the media officially decreed Kevin’s new nickname to be “The Planet“, due to his all-world talent.  The Planet is extremely satisfied with the change.

9. ANOTHER DUTCH.  The media is happy to announce that there is yet another Dutch in the annals of BTSH.  Congratulations to Gavin “Dutch’s Brother” Kearney on the birth of his daughter, “Dutch’s Niece“.

8. NEW TEAM IN BTSH.  After an impressive victory in their inaugural game, the Happy Little Elves seemed destined to make a big splash in BTSH this season.  Unfortunately, despite the accolades by the media and their peers after the first weekend, they have yet to win a game since.  In addition, to add insult to injury, an anonymous member of Filthy Gorgeous is quick to comment on their new uniforms: “That’s the same color we had in 2006.  Then we realized it was really ugly.”

7. TWO MAD DOGS?  It’s no secret that everyone wants to be like What The Puck, but few teams actually succeed in doing it.  The Mathematics, however, found a way.  In what may be the best league prank of the season, several Mathematics dressed like the iconic team in orange.  Humorously, one unnamed What The Puck member actually thought the Mathematics were her real teammates and sat with them prior to the game…no one had the heart to tell her the truth.

6. MIGHTY SQUIRRELS FIND A NUT.  After finishing in fourteenth place last season, Mighty Squirrels captain Rachel “A-Korn” Greene knew she had to make some adjustments.  This season, with a new found all-star goalie and Greene’s patented “fundamentals first” style of play, the Squirrels find themselves nestled snugly in the top tier of the standings.  Now, if the Squirrels can just find a way out of Tim “(S)crappy” Gray’s seven year contract, they’d be golden.

5. MEDIA IN TROUBLE.  In the spirit of competition, Sky Fighters captain Amy Lott and Happy Little Elves captain Ben Chadwick agreed on a friendly wager for their early season battle.  With the Sky Fighters victorious, they won a case of beer and the right to rename the Happy Little Elves for a week.  Never one for restraint, Amy opted for an offensive and crude name that was censored within an hour of being announced in the week’s news and notes.  It probably didn’t help that the media ran this picture in the same post for an unrelated story.  Good luck in Pittsburgh, Stacy!

4. A WORTHY PREDECESSOR.  After impressive performances by Sharif “The Chocolate Buzzsaw” Corinaldi and Minkus in the first two Sharif Corinaldi Memorial Hot Legs Competitions, the bar had been set extremely high entering this year’s event.  However, Jason “The Hamburglar” Rosenstock of Mexican Standoff more than met the challenge.  One can only imagine how far the contest will go next year…

3. WEST IS BEST.  In an effort to generate buzz and ratings, the annual BTSH All-Star Game featured a new East vs. West format this season.  With teams divided geographically (as opposed to randomly), the Manhattan/New Jersey squad bested the Brooklyn/Queens squad by a final score of 4-1.  Thus, the real winners of the day were the Manhattanites, as both their team was victorious, and they did not have to travel back to Jersey.

2. LBS GOES CORPORATE.  No longer content to be recognized solely as just a “team”, LBS officially changed their name and image to LBS, Inc.  With CEO Sascha Puritz in charge of this reorganization, LBS, Inc. looks to take their business and marketing sense to make a strong run in the second half of the season.  Better yet, rumor has it that Seth Wachtell was finally promoted out of the mail room.

1. TRICYCLE RACE CONTROVERSY.  In conjunction with the Women’s All-Star Game, five entrants competed in the (potentially) First Annual BTSH Tricycle Race, an homage to the event from Revenge of the Nerds.  Although it seemed like nothing could possibly go wrong with people binge drinking and riding undersized vehicles on a slick, sloped surface, the contest ended in controversy.  With the winner unclear for several weeks, another rogue video finally emerged to end all doubt.

Know Your Neighbors

Name: Peter Prohaska
Team: Gouging Anklebiters
Nickname: Geech
Suggested Nickname: Cousin Merle
Rejected Nicknames: North Star, Polaris, Juno, The Body, Sandy
Origin: Duluth, MN
College: University of Wisconsin-Madison
Early Aspirations: To bring NFL football to Duluth for the first time since 1927.
Catchphrase: “Hey buddy, how ’bout a brew?”
Reason to Love Him: He ranks a nine out of ten on the “Huggability Scale”.
Reason to Hate Him: Even though he’s from Minnesota, he’s a Packers fan.
Best Known For: Winning the 2003 Beargrease Sled Dog Marathon, which is held annually in Duluth.
Fast Fact: CBS’s television flop, The Louie Show, was loosely based on the Prohaska family.
Favorite Things: Ice fishing, the North Stars, the John A. Blatnik Bridge (especially at night), lakes
Hero: Kent Hrbek
Hockey Comparison: Sean Hill (minus the steroids…we think)
Non-Hockey Comparison: Seth Rogen
Reason the Media Will Continue to Overhype Him: He keeps offering the media brews.
Down the Road: Peter attempts to form the first BTSH team comprised only of Minnesotans.  However, after realizing that very few league members are from the North Star State, he recruits the cast of The Mighty Ducks.  Unfortunately, when opening day arrives, his team loses badly to the Happy Little Elves.  Apparently, the players in The Mighty Duckswere only actors pretending to be hockey players and are not actually as skilled as they seemed in the movie…except for Danny Tamberelli, who scores a hat trick.

Captains’ Commendations

Bad Touch: Mike Tuckman paralyzed a rat by running it over with his bike.
Corlears Hookers: The Denim Demons hustled and played a great game.
Dark Rainbows: John Nielsen was great in goal, despite a sprained ankle.
Denim Demons: Abby Meisterman saved a shot off the goal line, which was the “play of the century”.
Filthy Gorgeous: Joseph Pereira was fabulous in his last game with Filthy Gorgeous.
Gouging Anklebiters: Jenny Miyasaki saved a goal.
Happy Little Elves: Jason Fate is a good goalie.
LBS, Inc.: Seth Wachtell had an amazing game in goal.
Mathematics: Sarah Torneten registered an assist in her first BTSH shift ever.
Mighty Squirrels: Rob Gorden played an awesome game in goal.
Rehabs: Kami Moore scored her sixty-fourth goal of the season.
Sky Fighters: Chris “Big Sexy” Shumaker had a shutout.
Unicorns: John Mark took one for the team.
What The Puck: With Larry unavailable, Michelle Doucet commended herself for showing up and being ready to play at 4:15…for a 3:00 game.

Tags: 2008 season, Clip Post, geech, Many Links, news and notes

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 29th, 2008 at 10:50 pm and is filed under League Notes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.