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Those Crayons Came All The Way From Easton, PA

Sascha Was Too Embarrassed Even To Show Up
In one of the marquee matchups of the day, a highly motivated LBS, Inc. defeated the Corlears Hookers and officially established themselves as the “white team” of BTSH. Although this game had important implications regarding playoff seeding, there was far more at stake between the two teams. As the self-proclaimed cleanest player in the league Ken “The Alpha Male” Poulin explained earlier this summer, “We’ve been wearing white since this league was initiated!” However, when the Corlears Hookers formed last season, they also adopted white as one of their primary team colors. Although the game had no formal stakes to it, it was clear that the winner would be perceived as the top “white team” of BTSH.

The game proved as intense as one might expect with such a large payout, but LBS, Inc. eventually emerged victorious from the battle. The Alpha Male’s fiery (albeit, somewhat nonsensical) pre-game ramblings had actually motivated his team to go the extra mile. Following the game, the media presented him with a box of Crayola crayons featuring 64 different colors to honor his now famous rant. The Alpha Male claims he will continue to find ways to pump up his team as they prepare for a deep run in the playoffs.

Why is Mike Sellers at The Johnson’s?
Despite Sunday’s lovely weather and the return of meaningful BTSH hockey, several league members were noticeably absent from their games, opting instead to cheer on their favorite football teams. Fresh Kills’ heart and soul “Hollywood” Jeff Lesser missed not one, but two, games to root for his beloved Miami Dolphins. The Sky Fighters were without captain Amy Lott who, according to her teammates, was more than likely “too drunk from the Bengals game to even bother showing up.” Ironically, known Redskins hooligan Ellery “The Nature Boy” Gillette was present this weekend (potentially to the chagrin of Mexican Standoff). It remains to be seen whether this trend will continue as BTSH hits the home stretch.

Something Good About the Happy Little Elves
The Happy Little Elves do not make fun of the elderly.

Know Your Neighbors

Name: Mike Woodsworth
Team: What The Puck
Nickname: The X-Factor
Suggested Nickname: Woody
Rejected Nicknames: The Mountie, Mikey, Molson, Le Fleur, Chongo
Origin: Montréal, QC
College: University of Canada (they only have one)
Early Aspirations: To be the starting punter for the Montréal Alouettes.
Reason to Love Him: He hails from the tenth cleanest city in the world, so we assume he’s environmentally friendly.
Reason to Hate Him: He’ll scold you for littering.
Best Known For: His ironically colored red, white, and blue headband
First Job: Fact checker for La Presse
Favorite Vacation Spot: Saskatchewan (seriously)
Fast Fact: Mike is the national pineapple eating champion of Canada.
Favorite Things: Canada, The Expos, snow storms, “Hale” storms, curling, Les FrancoFolies de Montréal
Hero: Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer
Favorite TV Show: You Can’t Do That on Television
Hockey Comparison: Vincent Damphousse
Non-Hockey Comparison: Gatorade
Reason the Media Will Continue to Overhype Him: Canadian jokes are easy, and the writers get lazy (see below).
Down the Road: With increasing jingoist tensions among the ranks of What The Puck, the team finally fractures in 2011 into an English Canadian team and a French Canadian team. Mike assumes control of the French Canadian side, now named Ce Que La Rondelle, which also includes original WTPers Celine Dujeux, Brian Vroom, and Michelle Doucet. Since Quebec annexes Philadelphia in 2009, he also claims Kevin Lutsky. Corey “Chongo” Winters takes control over the English side, retaining most of the original team and the name What The Puck. Team cancer Ant “Father Time” Ventolieri is left off of both teams and forced to join the Happy Little Elves. In the inaugural battle between the English and French sides, Larry “Mad Dog” Zimmer scores the game-winning goal for the English Canadians, forcing the French team to repatriot back into What The Puck. Ant is still left off the team.

Captains’ Commendations:

Bad Touch (1): Joe Lops used his speed to create some scoring chances.
Bad Touch (2): Greg Kellerman stepped up from defense to center when Eric Devlin was “hurting” in the second half.
Cobra Kai: Everyone who wore a Cobra Kai shirt.
Corlears Hookers: The whole team put up with various upper and lower body injuries.
Dark Rainbows: John Meyer returned to the league and took away Sean’s birthday commendation in the process.
Denim Demons: Brad Weiger made a triumphant return from a category two hurricane ankle sprain.
Gouging Anklebiters: Shannon Voto played “mad nice”.
Happy Little Elves: Ken Szeto showed up…and played well. Rich Glanzer had a nice assist…and played well.
Filthy Gorgeous: Homin “Maverick” Lee shook off the rust in his first game in a while. Ali played a great game as goalie in his first game with Filthy.
Fresh Kills (1): This was Stephanie Feder’s first ever hockey game.
Fresh Kills (2): Caroline Currie and Amy Jones both played the entire game.
LBS, Inc.: “Seth [Wachtell]was two goals away from a shutout.” – Fernando Limonic
Mathematics: Sheena Otto defeated her rival former team, despite an obvious bounty on her head.
Mighty Squirrels: Eric Breitman stepped into the net and had a great game.
Rehabs: “Gina Hackett. A lot of players in BTSH can drink a ton of beer. A lot can play great ball. Few do it at the same time.” – Bryan “Stork” Welch
Sky Fighters: “Jen [Nelson] and Megan [Sigesmund] showed up and played better than most of us have all season.” – Dan Hopper
Tuques: Lisa Harrington fought off a bad head cold to keep her team from being shorthanded.
Unicorns: Craig “Ug” LaCombe kept the Unicorns in the game.
What The Puck: Susanna Tenney biked sixty miles to the court at “sixty miles an hour, eighty on the freeway.”

Tags: 2008 season, alpha male, Happy Little Elves, news and notes, The X-Factor

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 9th, 2008 at 10:08 pm and is filed under League Notes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.