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ALTERNATE GAME OF THE WEEK

Cobra Kai at Mathematics

By Eli “Don’t start none, there won’t be none.” Kazin

Location: Tompkins East, 3:00 PM

Game Keys:

Cobra Kai and Mathematics are supposed to be bitter rivals, right? This question was posed to various members of the league, including several players on each team, and the answer is a resounding no.

Poutine Machine forward Jo-Ann Provencher quipped, “Cobra Kai and Mathematic are not rival. We are the Mathematic rival, since we play them on Rivalry Days.” Mathematics rookie sensation Zach Norris will not even be present on Sunday, as he is taking an extra week to prepare for the team’s big showdown with Gut Rot on September 16, adding “Man, I love playing Gut Rot!” Perpetually injured Cobra Kai forward Rem “Canadian Strongman” Garavito was more direct, noting, “Fresh Kills is our top rival. They used to be in our division, and we still hate those guys with a passion.” Happy Little Elves co-captain Rich Glanzer probably sums it up best, though; as he explains “the best rivalries are ones with traveling trophies, such as the prestigious (yet imaginary) Fairy Tale Cup and the Barnacle Bowl. Math doesn’t even have a traveling trophy at stake against Cobra Kai, but we do.”

In truth, this was once a great rivalry. But time, and with it roster turnover, has eroded the hate between the two squads, and now it is just another game on the schedule, just like any matchup between the Detroit Red Wings and Colorado Avalanche. However, this game still has a lot of meaning for both squads. Cobra Kai and the Mathematics are tied in the standings at 17 points apiece, and a loss for either team will all but extinguish any faint hopes for a division title.

La Famiglia at Fresh Kills

By Bill “Sweet Vermouth” Tucker

Location: Tompkins West, 1:00 PM

Game Notes: After a three-week hiatus, the height of the BTSH season is upon us and what better way to usher in our return to the blacktop than a classic matchup between La Famiglia and Fresh Kills.  Both teams enter BTSH’s final month with similar situations.  Both maintain second place in their respective divisions, both are coming off shutout victories in Week 16 and both feature a player whose name is synonymous with alcoholic merriment (Dave “And Lime” Soko for Kills and Alfred “Bourbon on the Rocks” Liu for the Family).  The key to victory will be shaking off the summer break rust.  According to sketchy reports handed to me on cocktail napkins during a drunken spree at Doc Holidays, Kills goaltender Patrick “The Dude” Barch spent the three weeks lobbying to become Mitt Romney’s running mate.  Apparently, his penchant for White Russians and general apathy towards politics held him back from consideration.  The members of the Omnipotent Octopi were a little harder to track down, but satellite photos showed offensive duo Shafiq “Off Black” Perry and Dennis “The  Flash” Miciletto partying in the Hamptons with a third party who bared an uncanny resemblance to actor Terry Kiser.  Stranger still was how they paddled back to New York on the back of this mysterious doppelganger.  Odd behavior aside, this Tagliarino Conference showdown should be one of the marquee matchups this coming Sunday.

Dr Hunter S. Tompkin’s Official Prediction: While La Famiglia and Fresh Kills both boast impressive goaltending and explosive offense, defense will be the name of the game here.  Kills by a nostril hair.  Oh wait. This is where I’m supposed to ramble on about drugs, booze and mishaps involving farm animals.  Next week, friends, neighbors and fellow wanderers.  Next week.

Denim Demons at Sky Fighters

Location: Tompkins East, 2:00 PM

Game Keys: Like swallows coming back to Capistrano, September sees the return of key players and full benches to many teams. It’s also the time for Captains to work on getting team chemistry to finally gel prior to the playoffs. So have team Captains Adam Rubens and Dan Hopper planned to achieve those goals?

Not wanting to lose the momentum of the Demons two game- winning streak, Rubens has created an elaborate deception. Informing his team that “the break was cancelled”, he’s had the Red Furies showing up at Tompkins each week and playing matches against teams he secretly hired. Yes, Jeff Kamen, this is why you didn’t recognize anyone on Filthy Gorgeous last Sunday. Unless any of the Demons players bypass the blocks Adam has placed on their computers and manage to read this site, the team will go in to this matchup thinking they’re on a five game winning streak. While we can’t endorse Adam’s tactics, we do admire his motivation skills.

Meanwhile, things haven’t been so easy for the Skyfighters’ Hopper. After learning about the Czech Republic’s rampaging meth problem by watching the season finale of BREAKING BAD, Hopper has been frantically lobbying members of D.A.R.E. to join the Skyfighters roster. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “team chemistry”. Unfortunately, to make room for these acquisitions Hopper has had to cut several players, including himself and goalie James Stein. Radical tactics but if he can keep Martin clean; the Cloudpunchers will always have a chance to win hockey games.

 

Corlears Hookers at Rehabs

Location: Tompkins East, 4:30 PM

Game Keys: The Post Kehoe/Danberg-Ficharelli era begins for the Rehabs. And the question for the team now is who will keep the rampaging egos of Bryan Welch and Jon Feldman in check? Both seem themselves as the Kobe like center of the Rehabs offence and “Dinner Plate” has been lobbying aggressively to have the team re-branded “Jon Feldman’s Rehabs”. Meanwhile, Welch has told Rich Glanzer that he will only ref games if he’s allowed to use a cardboard cutout of Kehoe as his partner. With feuding upfront and a big hole on “D”, all-star goalie Hilary may be the only chance this team has of shutting down the Purple juggernaut. As for the Hookers, Dustin has vowed to start the “second season” by fielding more than six players a game. If the Disco Kings manage to put two full lines together, it could be a long Sunday for the team in black.

Tompkins Square Riots at Gremlins

Location: Tompkins East, 5:30 PM

Game Keys: Two likable and skilled teams finish out the day’s events and the big question is … will anyone be there to see this game. The Anklebiters and Gutrot are playing on the opposite court and both those teams have Grateful Dead-like followings. Riots and Grems? Not so much.

Still, both teams are manned with league veterans and they know that a point here or a point there can make the difference between a fun first playoff round or the chance to block Kevin Foster wrist shots for an hour. Self-preservation can be a powerful motivator so expect the former Kills on the Riots to remind their compatriots that bye weeks are great for healing bruises.

Rumor also has it that Jon aka “Redpants” has left the Gremlins to try out for a new mid-Western Ball Hockey league sponsored by a Russian oil billionaire. Just a tip, Jon. Despite what they may have promised you, there is no “tenure” in hockey.

Flip a coin folks. This is anyone’s game.

 

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 6th, 2012 at 11:22 am and is filed under Weekly Previews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.